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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What has happened?!?!

80 replies

brokenbubble · 07/03/2022 13:46

Hi everyone, I'm new here and my friend recommended I come in for support and advice.
My husband of 16 months and I are are deliriously happy-we are the couple that people envy-our sex life is great, we have such a healthy happy relationship, a beautiful home, everything is good.
However last Monday evening I raised a conversation as I knew something wasn't quite right. He said that he felt something was missing and he couldn't put his finger on it. We don't really argue although there has been some very minor bickering lately. He said that he wanted to spend some time at his parents and he's been there since. We spoke and texted for the first few days (mainly me begging for answers and for him to come home) and in the last few days we haven't spoken at all as he requested space because apparently I'm a bit needy, so I've left him alone which was so tough. Last night after 3 days of radio silence I messaged and said I've respected your space but we need to talk. He is coming home tonight. I don't have a good feeling judging from his business-like tone and subsequent silence although he answered me straight away when I suggested meeting.
I just don't know what's going on. We have just bought a new build house, have a dog and a holiday booked for April. He promises there is no one else as we made a commitment to each other in the beginning that we would always be honest about this if anything happened as we've both experienced something in the past and there are no signs (increased phone use/secrecy/lack of intimacy) to suggest this at all. Like I say, I am attentive and we are intimate every night so he's not looking for anything here. He is the happiest, loveliest man on earth and I'm hoping that he's just going through something in his head and withdrawing back to his man cave for space, but I don't know. He is estranged from him children and has been for years due to parental alienation. We tried to fight but the children have been so poisoned they just don't want to know. He has said that there is a hole in him which he doesn't think can be filled and we know this is the kids but he keeps looking for other reasons. My mother hasn't been too well recently and we both have stressful jobs and I keep thinking maybe I've leaned on him too much and he has just got to the point where he can't face my problems as well as his own. He said he wanted us to do more together but wonders if we're on the same path anymore. I have literally not seen this coming. I can't eat, sleep or function. The dr has just signed me off work as my job is stressful, and I'm mum to 2 kids (he's been in their lives for 6 yrs) who need me but I can't stop torturing myself. I'm hoping he will come home later and admit that the problems aren't in our marriage but with his trauma from his children and we'll work through it. What should I do? How do I cope? While I want support and advice please be kind. This is an incredible man, so affectionate and thoughtful and everything he's demonstrating now is so out of character.

OP posts:

TabithaTittlemouse · 07/03/2022 17:25

He’s been incredibly cruel by running away. I don’t think he’s half as lovely as you think he is.
Good men don’t run home to mummy without a word and he’s most definitely not ‘deliriously happy’ if he’s left you.

BeforeLight · 07/03/2022 17:40

Sorry you’re going through this, OP.
Are you sure he’s stayed at his parents’ house this weekend - have they confirmed that? Sounds like OW to me, but hoping not the case

Orchidsonthetable · 07/03/2022 17:44

I’m sorry this is happening but I think you need to brace yourself that this is not the actions of a deliriously happy man, that your view of the relationship, which I have to admit does sound a bit mills and boons, isn’t maybe his.

Hollywolly1 · 07/03/2022 17:55

@brokenbubble
So the ex stopped allowing him contact with his own children when he got together with you?
He should have tried to fix that before continuing the relationship.I wouldn't be to confident of a good outcome here and I certainly wouldn't have a glass of wine ready like a previous poster said.

BuddhaForMary · 07/03/2022 18:05

So the ex stopped allowing him contact with his own children when he got together with you?
He should have tried to fix that before continuing the relationship.

I know it's had OP but I agree with this. His priority should 100% have been making sure contact with his children continued. I know it's never as black and white as that but...

Hollywolly1 · 07/03/2022 18:08

Its very hard for someone to understand unless they have experienced it but a man can have an affair and the wife will not have had an inkling and not because the wife is not clued into the marriage its because the man is soooo sneaky leading the wife believing everything is perfect until boom,he doesn't come home anymore.It is of course sad but people get over it and go in to have a much better life with a nice man not a snake.

BuddhaForMary · 07/03/2022 18:13

@Hollywolly1 this is what happened with my first relationship. Lovely home, engaged, wedding booked, baby girl and one on the way.. as far as I knew we were THAT couple. And then one day he just didn't come home. Turned out he'd met someone through work and was halfway to Scotland to be with her when he finally got the guts to call me.

I'm NOT saying that's what's happening here, but people are often surprised at how easily these things can be kept secret.

Hollywolly1 · 07/03/2022 18:26

@brokenbubble
You say you knew him for 13 years through work ,I know you say you only got together 6 yrs ago but maybe the ex wife feels it was way longer and blames you for the break down of her marriage and felt you took her husband and no way are you going to take her children as well.
Men don't normally leave the marital home unless there is another woman.
I know thusvis extra difficult to believe as you just bought a house,a dog & a holiday planned but the truth is a man could have 10 houses and 10 children and a beautiful wife but if he gets his head turned he won't care no matter how good a wife is.You could be the best wife you could have given him everything but it makes no difference if they want to go my advice would be to open the door for him and tell him to enjoy on the way out and look forward and carry on with your own life,I guarantee it will be a lot more peaceful without him if he's that flakey

pompomseverywhere · 07/03/2022 18:44

@BeforeLight

Sorry you’re going through this, OP. Are you sure he’s stayed at his parents’ house this weekend - have they confirmed that? Sounds like OW to me, but hoping not the case

Could you follow him from work one night to see if he goes to his parents house. Maybe with a friend so he doesn't know the car.

movingon2022 · 07/03/2022 18:47

OP I am very sorry that you are going through this and can only imagine how you must feel. I personally do not think that this is about another woman, I think it is about his kids. Even though you did not do anything, he is not allowed to have contact with his kids because he is with you, and this was probably eating at him for a long time. Do let us know how the conversation went tonight. Good luck.

Geppili · 07/03/2022 18:49

"..requested space because apparently I'm a bit needy,"

This stands out for me in your post. It is one of the few specific details he has given you, albeit in an unpleasant way. He wants space from you (and the dc, the dog, the new build and the holiday). Your experience of your marriage is very different from his.

Your ecstatic description of tour perfect and enviable marriage rings alarm bells for me. No healthy marriage is perfect and unassailable in the way you describe. Perhaps his vision of the marriage is one of feeling trapped, needed too much, touched out? Whose decision was it to get a dog?

MermaidEyes · 07/03/2022 19:13

I think this too. OP, you say you are 'deliriously happy' and 'the couple everyone envies'. It almost feels as if you're trying to convince yourself more than us that this is true. No relationship is so utterly perfect that everyone envies it.

Moonface123 · 07/03/2022 19:15

Who the hell does he think he is ? Don' t let him call all the shots.
Forget your image of your marriage, look what he' s doing, anytime a man tells you he needs space, go and pack his bags, get rid of him, because what that usually means is he' s already shacked up with someone else.

BOOTS52 · 07/03/2022 19:17

I would not be happy that he thinks he can just walk away for a few days and thinks that is acceptable. Sometimes it is those people who think they have the happiest marriage and have their head in the clouds that are shocked when there is something going on with one of the people in the marriage. You never really know anyone is my belief and hopefully it is about his kids and he is having some kind of crisis (not that I wish that on anybody) but I would wait to hear what he says and would ask him straight out is there someone else. Also has to be boundaries in place from you as he cannot just walk away when the going gets tough as life is full of ups and downs especially as we get older with ageing or sick parents, teenagers etc sickness. I hope things work out but do not be begging him back. I would hear what he has to say but if he says not coming back I would pack his bags and he would stay out.

Imperfectp3rf3ction · 07/03/2022 19:20

Could he want more children ?

WizardOfAus · 07/03/2022 19:41

There is another woman, OP.

Brace yourself and start investigating for clues as he won't readily admit it. He will deny, deny and deny until you have proof... and then it's all going to be your fault.

I know you can't see it now. But all the affairs threads start with the exact same scenario. . 'My husband has withdrawn from me. He's not happy. He's become a different person. I don't understand, we were so happy'

Also reference, which says:

www.runawayhusbands.com/

There is a book which is basically going to outline every step you're about to go through.

As the saying goes, 'men don't leave a relationship unless there is somewhere soft to land' (ie- another woman).

Good luck and sending you strength.

MunchyMonsters · 07/03/2022 19:51

This is really shit for you OP, really hope you can get it resolved tonight.

Good luck

Dottdoo · 07/03/2022 20:07

I really hope it isn't for your sake OP but having read enough threads like this - they tend to always end in - it's OW.

Thing is in this day and age, 'affairs' can start long before any sex is involved. WhatsApp, text, messenger, work laptops and phones - people can get embroiled in one another before they've even left the house to go on a date (so it's harder to spot more classic signs of 'I'm working late tonight').

They can be convincing in their lies, because if you haven't had sex with someone then in their mind they aren't cheating or having an affair. So they look you dead in the eye and say no.... even if they've been messaging someone so much that it's making them rethink their marriage - they still won't see it as an affair (some men anyway! Not trying to tar everyone with the same brush).

Nowadays it's as important to have the conversation about emotional affairs as it is to talk about 'traditional affairs'.

You have to be specific in your line of questioning - are you texting, talking or emailing another woman where you know I would be upset if I knew what was being said? Then you wait for that flicker of unease to wash across their face.

Hope it isn't that OP. I really do. You sound really nice xx

WTF475878237NC · 07/03/2022 20:15

www.runawayhusbands.com

Yep this will help you so much. He's way ahead of you on this sorry.

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 07/03/2022 20:19

There is another woman. Listen to what all these wise women are saying and look up “the script”

You’re about to get the full dose of it.

This crap is so common, it’s almost laughable ( if it wasn’t so fucking tragic.)

LoganberryJam · 07/03/2022 20:19

How upsetting and confusing for you, OP. I hope you had a good conversation and made some progress to understanding what the problems are.

oakleaffy · 07/03/2022 20:23

I’d say the hole in his life is missing his children.
Other people’s children ,no matter how you may like them, come a poor second if one is yearning for one’s own kids.
Might be wrong, but he should fight for his bio kids.

Hollywolly1 · 07/03/2022 20:29

@oakleaffy
I don't agree because he kept on his relationship with the op and even married her,I think the only person the op's husband loves is himself.I think if he cared for her at all he wouldn't have left her on her own with no contact.

Hollywolly1 · 07/03/2022 20:31

Strange thing is a lot of women assume their husband is depressed when they leave them but the reality is the husband probably having a great time with another woman

baileys6904 · 07/03/2022 20:37

Op try to ignore all these so called experts that have decided another women is the answer to every question and just trot out the same lines on every occasion.
Man gone quiet? Got another woman.
Man gone more extrovert? Got another woman
Man changes his phone? Got another woman
Man won't change phone number? Doesn't want to lose contact with other woman

Its the same old spiel that wouldn't be as bad except they say it with such certainty I wondered if it was your actual husband answering...

Be kind to yourself and know that whatever is said tonight, you are strong enough to find a happier future. There may be someone else, there may not be. You will be ok

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