husband watching porn behind my back

[ladycoleman]

married 29 yrs and still my husband watches porn ..don't know why ??

@MoonbeamsGlittering I agree with you, I think honesty is important.

Unfortunately every relationship has peaks and troughs, and there are times when honesty is in short supply. And while it can be upsetting, it is part of the natural cycle too, otherwise if one avoided breakdown at all costs that wouldn't make room for personal renewal or other relationships to form - and that goes for either partner.

So honesty is important, but sadly, sometimes that's gradually lost too, and it may become inevitable. It's not as if you can or would want to maintain complete honesty till the end in a relationship that you think it's breaking down, if at some point you decide that instead of opposing that you'd rather let it run its course. And it'd be rare for both partners to let go of complete honesty in the relationship at the same time. More likely, one will do it first and the other if they can't repair it most likely will have to follow. I understand it is a blow for the one that didn't initially let go of honesty. It can be a bitter disappointment. But just as constructively when the relation as being formed someone's got to take the first step, destructively if you wish when the relationship is being unwound someone's got to take the first step, and that's life.

I personally in my own relationship do not think hiding the fact one watches porn (or rather should I say, simply mainstream sexy blockbuster movies or TV programmes as 'substitute porn' to avoid getting into the issue of exploitation) requires or deserves a quest to discover what the partner may be up to and whether he or she pleases him or herself on their own. Rather the opposite, I'd rather my partner has the skill, so they can do it independently from me when I'm not available; and I might not be available temporarily for all sorts of reasons, some nothing to do with an impending or potential relationship breakdown. And also has the skill should the relationship break down so that they can maintain a degree of pleasure self-sufficiency after parting and not have to jump into another relationship right away just out of sexual need. Same as I also don't look into my partner's text messages or ask where they've spent their afternoon or days away. For me rather than assume that self stimulation and/or seeing someone else is not going to happen, I assume it might happen at any time, and I wish my partner will deal with that maturely and wisely. Who knows if that will lead to both of us feeling happier in the relationship? I know it'd made me happy if I did it and I'd handle it well, so why not them?

So there is a long distance between an absolutely monogamous relationship and a completely open relationship while remaining a couple. I don't think all relationships ought to be one or the other extremes necessarily. I think some will, but most will be something in between. My opinion is as long as personal safety is maintained and healthy habits are cultivated I'd prefer the relationship to be as flexible as possible. And I'd leave the decision of what are healthy enough habits with regards to themselves to my partner, and not try and dictate the level of flexibility they would like to avail of either.

So I don't make emphasis on honesty in my own relationship to the expense of something else. If I can get enough honesty in it for our purposes which would allow me to maximise, or rather optimise, other aspects of the relationship, I'd be happy to sacrifice a bit of honesty to have on the whole an overall satisfactory relationship.

It is important, but it is just one factor. For me a more important factor is hope that the relationship overall will get better, and not unduly obstruct the formation of other relationships if the relationship needs replacing. All the honesty in the world, if I couldn't hope for those two, or as least for one of those at a time whether alternating or not if you think they may be incompatible, would not be enough to satisfy me or to make me happy. I'd live in a sad, lifeless jail of honesty if I did that, and I wouldn't want that.

@prohodilka As long as your partner has at least some idea that this is your philosophy then fair enough. But if your partner thinks that you're being completely honest with them, while actually you're hiding various things from them that would shock or upset them, then that sounds unpleasant. If you've spent some time reading other threads on Mumsnet then I'm sure you've seen how traumatic it can be for someone to discover that their relationship has been riddled with lies without their knowledge.

@MoonbeamsGlittering I agree.

My partner and I have never vouched fidelity to one another, that was not the bargain we made when we met and later married. That it has turned out to be that way does not mean it was intended to be that way. If one day fidelity's broken and my partner gets upset, I've got enough "receipts" of conversations we had over twenty years ago, prior to getting married, where we explicitly opted out of any fidelity requirements. And we've never revisited or sought to amend that.

I say that if there is no fidelity requirement there ought to be no no-porn requirement either (or using movies as porn, etc), as porn ranks lower than a break of fidelity. However, porn has never been explicitly discussed. I've intently always omitted mentioning it (and partner didn't either). My partner knows about Incognito browsing and so do I. I do not inspect the router logs. My partner wouldn't know how to get to the logs, but if they could, for the most part all they'd see is regular sites, such as Vimeo, DailyMotion, the Internet Archive, YouTube!, on occasion some Eastern European or Russian web sites where lots of pirated movies of all kinds are found. But my partner would never know what I watched as when the connection is over HTTPS the router log doesn't log the full URL, only the site. For anything else there is Tor (and not that it is much needed at all, but sometimes ordinary movies can't be found in their entirety other than on porn sites, for some reason, though it is the exception rather than the rule, and of course the logs record a visit to the site, although not over Tor).

Frankly I do not understand how people can get pleasure watching regular porn clips. I find those not inspiring at all, and the more explicit it is, the less it inspires me. If I depended on those for my pleasure I'd be wasting my time looking for clips for an hour till I've had enough and I give up and walk away. It just does not work. Perhaps my brain does not work as that of the average man. Anyway, I'm quite happy the way it works, I wouldn't change it.

I'd say this to ladies, the issue of men watching porn is no big deal. Yes, it uses material suspect of originating from exploitation of people, and that's a valid objection and if they feel strongly about that I agree they make their views known and even try to enforce it. But it's the same someone feeling strongly about animal abuse and trying to turn their partner vegetarian, or someone against sweatshops or child labor and trying to ensure their partner only buys certified ethical / fair trade goods. And yes I agree that exploiting people sexually is more abhorrent than underpaying people or killing animals for food or fur, specially minors and vulnerable people (and probably only comparable in its abhorrence as keeping slaves or stealing organs off people). But people just don't have the same moral principles. Asking men not to watch porn because it harms people is a moral imposition. Women who think like that should start by saying, "I want to dictate the following moral imposition, or restriction, upon you, and ensure that you'll live by my morals as regards to the following..." and proceed to explain the issue of porn actor exploitation and therefore the ban on porn. The issue of watching porn is a big deal only if for you personally it is a big deal, or immoral, it is not a big deal universally (and it is not illegal).

And separately discuss the issue of whether watching porn constitutes infidelity, even when it does not involve meeting anybody else.

And separately, thirdly, the issue of honesty, by all means bring it up too. Whether the action is aggravated because it was hidden (and hence would it be more acceptable if in the future it wasn't hidden?)

If they believe either or both of those or all three, fine, it is good that they make themselves clear and discuss it, but do not conflate the issues.

Or if none of those is really the issue and they simply do not want that to happen and want to claim ownership or right of exclusive use over their partner's sexual organs, fine, say so. But do not tell me that's an issue of honesty. That'd be more like saying "You to some extent belong to me, and use of your privates belong to me (because we're married or whatever, or because I was expecting that all this time), so please comply and do not contradict me or cross me and don't use them for something I wouldn't approve". That's how that would sound to me.

For me lack of honesty is if partner is doing something that affects me and not saying. It's not what my partner does with their private time or in their own mind or in the bathtub or meeting somebody or whatever, that's none of my business. My partner's a free person and deserves all the freedom they can get and I'm not going to stand in the way. Of course partner is expected to look after my health. Partner shouldn't engage in unprotected sex with me and another partner unless reasonably sure the other partner doesn't have STD's, and I'd do likewise (and this rules out prostitution). But honesty in that regard is being able to say, if something despite all due care doesn't go according to plan, "I took good care and attention and I had our wellbeing in mind as I did that (meaning health)". It is not to say "I didn't have any encounters". That's their business. All safe encounters are their business. What they do out of sight is always their business.

I wish most people saw it like that. And if people say, "I can't give too much freedom to my partner because he'd take advantage of it or misuse it or do something immoral or reckless, because he's immature or he's a jerk or he always gives in to his desires or whatever", then why did they marry someone like that? Or why stay married or stay together? It seems porn isn't the issue here, but their choice of partner. Porn is only a symptom. And you should address causes not symptoms. Symptoms only admit palliative care.