husband watching porn behind my back

[ladycoleman]

married 29 yrs and still my husband watches porn ..don't know why ??

clearly you are all woke prudes so i wont waste anymore of my time, just dont be jealous of the young women with big houses and fast cars paid for by porn instead of having to do hard work, and yes I a woman are defending porn, deal with it

@Person123456

are people seriously bringing wokeness into porn, i think its time i moves to wales or europe

Feel free to move to Wales or Europe then. I don't see this "people bringing wokeness to porn" comment that you are talking about. But there is porn is racially degrading, and/or perpetuates racial derogatory abuse, and racism. And men, are getting off on it, and have this fascination with dick that's a different colour from their own.

It's all pretty fucked up.

Just because someone points things out, you don't need to object to it by using 'woke' as your argument.

Mumsnet isn't the most representative of the general UK opinion on porn probably due to the feminist stance

75% of UK men described regularly accessing porn in 2014 (and its estimated to have gone up since due to Internet increases)

Pornhub alone was visited by half of UK men (estimated) in lockdown and generates more hits than bbc news

Not to say everyone has to find it acceptable and it can't be a deal breaker but to highlight the gulf between mumsnet consensus and the general public

Why do women have to love their job when they do sex work, but it doesn’t matter that they hate their job if they work in an office

I've done a lot of office temping and never once has having a penis enter any of my orifices been part of the job description. Ive never been expected to risk disease, pregnancy or injury to my genital area. Perhaps the offices you've worked in have been different though.

@Quirkyme What the hell are you on about? Most men aren’t watching racist porn to see a dick that’s a different colour to their own! You’ll find odd kinks anywhere but most straight men just love watching a naked woman. In fact, pornographic material doesn’t even have to involve sex or them moving, it can be still erotic images. Plenty of men had a wank over page 3. Are these wealthy women all fucked up for life after their abusive career?

@BobLep0nge You know what I meant. Plenty of places have employees doing dangerous things without insurances and safety being taken seriously. Just as lots of women will voluntarily work in the sex industry and not be or feel violated! Women don’t even have to penetrated by a penis to make pornographic images or videos but Mumsnet wives would say any woman baring skin for titillation is being coerced and abused. Some people know they have good bodies and just like selling songs when you can sing, they sell images or videos of their bodies. Men like it because they’re naked and hot, but their wives call them abusive because they’re jealous.

Plenty of places have employees doing dangerous things without insurances and safety being taken seriously

What jobs have women risking disease, genital injury and pregnancy? What other job has you the same rates of PTSD as soldiers?

Men like it because they’re naked and hot, but their wives call them abusive because they’re jealous

Why is it that people who support the prostitution and degradation of women and girls always claim this jealousy nonsense? We are not jealous, it's so juvenile for you to claim we are. We actually care about the health and happiness of women and girls as a whole and of society, it a damned shame you don't.

You’re missing the point though - just as there are bad places to work in any field, there are good places too. There is plenty of porn out there that is ethically made by women who aren’t coerced into doing it and lots of women working for themselves and not answering to men. No one has said whether they would be ok with their partners/husbands watching these women if the abuse label didn’t fit.

My brother in law works in a prison and has had some terrible injuries and risked being around junkies with god knows what. He is paid peanuts! Plenty of people do risky jobs and don’t love it but do it to pay their bills and set themselves up for life. Adult entertainers (male and female) can earn a whole life’s salary in a few years or less! They might not love it but neither do lots of workers.

Some people can’t get their head around selling sex but women don’t always need sex to be sacred and loving. Some people can do things for money and it not ruin their life. And as I’ve said before, porn isn’t always women being banged by a bloke. Some girls in the adult industry will not do hardcore stuff and might not do video work at all, but partners still seem to have an issue with this. Why when they’re not risking disease or pregnancy then? No one has said that the issue only lies in pornographic films but images or sole-play videos are ok.

I care about women doing what they want in life - a true feminist. Not wanting all women to cover up because someone insists they’re being abused. I believe that lots of people are abused/coerced/treated badly in various careers and porn is no different but lots of women know exactly what they’re doing and wouldn’t thank you one bit for forcing them back to their minimum wage jobs when they’re earning a fortune and showing off a body they’re proud of.

Isn’t it funny that men can strip and women can pay to ogle them but they’re not abused. They’re capable of making their own decisions; it’s just all these poor misguided women who are abused.

When we talk about wanting equal rights for men and women, some of you would see women back where they started. Not because men keep them down, but other women who don’t like to see them doing better than them or looking better than them. Let’s have all women covered head to toe in Summer, just in case your boyfriend/husband gets sight of their bum/legs/boobs that happen to be better than yours.

I wouldn’t tolerate porn in a relationship as it would make me feel insecure. I find it weird that people are fine with porn but think it’s so much worse to see live camming or going to a strip club - but people are allowed their boundaries.

I’m sure many men (and a few women) would also like to be able to have sex with many partners - but tolerate being a monogamous relationship because not many women would like it.

@wingscrow

It is sad that so many women seem to accept the narrative that it is 'normal' and something that all men do and that we should just accept it...

Porn is doing so much harm to relationships not because there is anything wrong per se with wanting to look at sexual images but because the type of visuals that porn shows is almost always degrading and violent towards women.

It normalises rough sex and gives a completely distorted image of what having sex looks like.

So it is completely normal too for the OP to have issues with porn and to discuss that with her partner if she wants to.

This !

@Person123456

clearly you are all woke prudes so i wont waste anymore of my time, just dont be jealous of the young women with big houses and fast cars paid for by porn instead of having to do hard work, and yes I a woman are defending porn, deal with it

I did a lot of work with women who had left the sex industry, some strippers, some did porn. But they all had very similar mental scars. Not one had a big house and fancy car and the life you’ve described. They had PTSD, sexual injuries, some had had surgery to repair anal tears. ALL were on anti depressants and ALL were in counselling. These were women who thought they had entered the industry willingly, but on reflection were coerced and convinced by the men who recruited them they would be rich, have power, control, would be adored, would have a great time. In reality, these women were completely broken. It was devastating some of their stories.

So yeah, I can’t tolerate porn. Because the man watching it doesn’t give a fuck if the woman doing it is ok or that in a few years that woman will be having a mental health crisis, or worse trying to cope.

@MCLQC

Men have been interested in porn since it was invented. I found copies of my dads porn mags in the 70’s! It’s not a new thing.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erotic_art_in_Pompeii_and_Herculaneum

Being honest the thing that gets me most isn’t the ethics, although I’m not keen on that either, it’s the fact in my case my H has said he watches it very occasionally when away on business— I know that isn’t the case and it’s virtually every day — I simply find it hard to be still attracted to someone in their late 50s busily watching this stuff most days. I agree with a poster above, if it was a case of only watching ethical porn would I still be bothered- yes, because as a woman just turned 60 the secrecy and frequency has killed something at a deeper level . I know because I monitor the router— I’ve always done it from when my son was a teen as had concerns with him about drugs at the time, I just never stopped when he left home and that’s when I picked up the constant porn use . At some point I will say something, however I have to be prepared that it will possibly end the marriage as he tends to react badly to any ‘criticism’

If you distrust your partner so much that you monitor all their internet searches then better end it now. It's hard to think if a more controlling attitude than that!

Not as simple as that Nick at the moment - but it will happen.

@Anothernick

If you distrust your partner so much that you monitor all their internet searches then better end it now. It's hard to think if a more controlling attitude than that!

Saying that is a weak justification. As someone who supports and uses porn ( from previous threads ) what do you think of what bookworm say

‘I did a lot of work with women who had left the sex industry, some strippers, some did porn. But they all had very similar mental scars.
Not one had a big house and fancy car and the life you’ve described.
They had PTSD, sexual injuries, some had had surgery to repair anal tears. ALL were on anti depressants and ALL were in counselling.
These were women who thought they had entered the industry willingly, but on reflection were coerced and convinced by the men who recruited them they would be rich, have power, control, would be adored, would have a great time.
In reality, these women were completely broken. It was devastating some of their stories.

So yeah, I can’t tolerate porn. Because the man watching it doesn’t give a fuck if the woman doing it is ok or that in a few years that woman will be having a mental health crisis, or worse trying to cope.‘

Having also been familiar with this side of the industry it amazes me the lengths users of the sex industry , and yes it is the sex industry! go to, to either ignore or downplay the damage it does to so many women and girls. . It also never ceases to amaze me that when asked how they KNOW the ‘women ‘ they are at ‘using’ are of legal age and gave consent , they seldom have an answer and seldom seem to care .

It’s well known that the industry is repeatedly in trouble for underage and non consensual content of women and girls . How anyone supports this and tries to flip the narrative to ‘ my partner shouldn’t be looking cause it’s ‘controlling ‘ is laughable

It’s not controlling to not want to be with someone who supports a vile industry that doesn’t give a toss whether they post non consensual or underage images of women and girls’

What’s controlling is for a man to think he has a right to be in relationship with a woman who sees it as an issue and that he can manipulate or hide it from her

@Wavypurple

Sadly it’s completely normal now.

Personally I think porn is a reprehensible business. Dehumanises women and promotes abuse. However, I think the percentage of men in the UK that don’t watch on a regular basis would be around 5%.

Not excusing it at all. It’s just how it is. A 50 year old wanking over a teenager whose life is now fucked forever is disgusting.

Absolutely. It is sick - and sends such destructive messages to young people.

Porn is disrespectful & degrading to women !
its not ok & if it makes you feel hurt & disrespected ! That’s valid ! It doesn’t mean your feelings don’t count & there’s something wrong in your relationship ! Men are weak minded & are mainly driven by there penis!

Aside from the massive issue of the industrial abuse and degradation of women to create porn, porn use is cheating, which is why it feels precisely like that to many women. Men work hard to totally invalidate women's instinctive feelings on this. Women are utterly gaslit by men into accepting that just because there's no touching, it's not cheating, and so they should squash down their feelings on it. What bullshit. Private parts are just that - private. If a man is deliberately seeking out videos of other naked women, which should be off limits to him if he's in a supposedly monogamous relationship, he's cheating. Wedding vows are 'forsaking all others' not 'forsaking all others, but allowed to access visuals of thousands of other women's breasts and vulvas'. Why are we letting men define the boundary of what cheating is, when they're bound to define porn as acceptable if they can get away with it!

Porn is no different to strip clubs or cam girls either. I'm baffled by people who argue that porn, cam girls and strip clubs are different levels of acceptable when the only real difference is the involvement of a screen or a time delay, as if these things magically alter the ethics. Imagine if we said the same about war on the news: 'oh it's okay, the bombing is just on a screen and it happened months ago'. And if touching is the magic boundary that defines cheating, well it should be absolutely fine for a man to invite a stripper into his house and enjoy the show in his living room and there's no problem, right?

When it comes to ethics I cannot see at all how fuelling the abusive exploitative porn industry and wanking over women's degradation and abuse is deemed any more acceptable behaviour in a partner than him having actual sex with another consenting woman - at least she was freely willing to be there. It's a testament to men's incredible gaslighting skills and power in the world that women's hurt and anger over this issue is minimised, invalidated, dismissed and ignored.

SPOT ON.

Well said.

Completely agree with Culebra.

I agree & very well put !

Ive never been expected to risk disease, pregnancy or injury to my genital area

If only it were just their genital

Anal sex is now a staple in mainstream porn. Actresses are expected to potentially damage their faecal continence.