husband watching porn behind my back

[ladycoleman]

married 29 yrs and still my husband watches porn ..don't know why ??

*their genital area

Culebra

Thank you so much for your amazing post. That is exactly how it felt - cheating except if you try to write/express such a thing it is then you that is seen with the problem and that you are a prude and that every man does this. It is also men viewing women like objects I can't quite wrap my head around especially when many of these men have daughters. I have also been persauded to feel 'thankful' that porn is all there is and not an actual 'affair'. Throw in the secrecy aspect (in my case) and it feels like someone has pressed a detinator in my marriage in terms of loss of respect/trust.

I wouldn't like someone telling me what I can and can't do online but I guess if you have such strong feelings about it you'll have to leave. You can't stop him doing it if it's something he enjoys so you're incompatible.

Id imagine at least 90% of men have watched or use porn regular, at least 2/3 times a week. IF your relationship is ok and sex life is good with no issues and he wants to watch porn whats causing you the problem.
id understand if he was choosing porn over intimacy with you but if he wants a quick release then your being unreasonable unless the porn was something rogue like underage etc.

You can't control what someone masturbates over. You just can't.

@Paymentdeferred I'm a man (in case that's relevant) and I agree with you that porn could be described as cheating, if the couple have agreed beforehand that they both won't watch porn and then one of them secretly still watches porn. If a woman wants to set a red line that her partner cannot watch porn in the relationship, and the partner agrees to this, then the partner should stick to this, or at least should be honest if they're going to break this deal, and then the woman can decide how to respond.

I don't agree with the argument that "almost all men watch porn, so women must get used to it." I think if a woman sets porn as an absolute red line then she may find it more difficult to find a man who doesn't watch it, because she's choosing from a smaller pool of men, but if she wants to make that choice then that's totally up to her, and she deserves for her partner to be honest about whether they will make that agreement and whether they are genuinely sticking to it.

Nobody said women just have to put up with it.

If a male told a female she wasn't allowed to masterbate then that's controlling and I'd hope most would tell them to sling it. On the same note if a guys watched porn before and it's not affecting his work or ability to be in a relationship I don't see the issue. If he's agreed not too watch and then is, then it's not cheating to me but he's broken your trust in not keeping to the agreement. Completely different circumstances.

Many men are more highly sexed then females and feel the need to masterbate more than their female counterparts. I know I do compared to the other half. She's never felt the need to relieve herself and is happy to only do so during the act of intimacy. That wouldn't work for me.

Give over @hotandspicy

You said "If a male told a female she wasn't allowed to masterbate then that's controlling and I'd hope most would tell them to sling it"

You are comparing a controlling guy telling a woman not to masturbate to women not being okay with their partner watching porn - these are not comparable nor the same thing.

If you said a guy asking woman not to masturbate is controlling and vice versa - yes these are comparable.

Stop using all your Bs excuses to justify why women who are against porn and don't watch it themselves are not okay with their partner watching it.

Meant to say

Stop using all your Bs excuses to justify why women who are against porn and don't watch it themselves SHOULD BE OKAY with their partner watching it.

@hotandspicy We could debate over the definition of the word "cheating" but it sounds like you and I both agree that the man is breaking the woman's trust if he has specifically agreed not to do it and then does it anyway. I think most people agree that it's not OK to break your partner's trust.

It is possible to masturbate without porn. If a man wants to watch porn while masturbating then he has that choice, but he should be honest with his partner. If he doesn't want to live without porn then he shouldn't make the agreement to go without it. If he agrees to quit and then finds he can't, he should be honest with his partner that he doesn't want to keep to that agreement any more.

I'm interested to know whether anyone would mind their husband looking at something like anime/drawings. No real women involved. Or masturbating with their imagination or not at all.

Personally I don't like porn because it does make me feel a bit shit. The women he looks at don't look like me. Not an excessive user, though.

@Quirkyme Yes, I agree that it's not right to tell anyone that they should be OK with something when they're not. Everyone has the right to choose what is acceptable to them in a relationship, and for their partner to be honest about whether they are prepared to make those agreements.

Anothernick · 07/03/2022 09:25
From a male perspective - if my DW told me I should not look at sexual images, including porn, just because she did not want me to I think I would see that as controlling and unreasonable. But if she said she was unhappy with some aspect of our sex life then that would be different, that would certainly make me consider whether using porn was damaging our relationship.

I am curious to know what you would feel if you liked for example to look at animal torture videos, Nazi group sites or some such, and your wife said you should not - would you see that as controlling and unreasonable?

Also, a lot of people’s sex lives are getting messed up by it. Men who can no longer do real sex.

Men who think buggering, choking, slapping and spitting is sex.

@ScrollingLeaves

Everything you said spot on.. but your last 3 sentences are it. Honestly honestly honestly.

Men who think buggering, choking, slapping and spitting is sex.

Anal sex is fine, seems to be a big thing on here. (Often done wrong in a way that's unpleasant, doesn't have to be). The whole spitting thing- just noooope and the rest.

@ScrollingLeaves A lot of women like that kind of sex, with or without porn use

if a woman doesnt like porn (or meat for example) thats absolutely fine, your choice etc.. to then push that agenda on your partner and expect them to be onboard is not acceptable for me, Ive known as a example people that have eaten meat for 30+ years, now changed to being vegans and now try and push their agenda on others, posting animal cruelty videos vie social media of slaughter houses etc. As I said, people can have their own views on topics like watching porn but it doesnt mean others need to buy into it.

My missus doesnt watch porn but i do, shes never said to me i shouldnt watch it and if she did, i wouldnt agree to it because for me its harmless, so wouldnt commit to something i know i wouldnt stick too.

However, id always choose proper sex with my other other any pornsites anytime. the real thing trumps anything you see online and thats something thats always puzzled me when i see posts on here from women asking why their fellas refuse sex but then want to watch porn instead. thats weird!!

said said women are against porn... But like everything, some are, some are not, your making it sound like the majority are against it.. They are not..

if your in a relationship and the other person is doing something you dont agree with, sure you can ask them to stop but you cant make them. if your not happy then leave and find someone that agrees with your views on the matter.

@hotandspicy

You're still on your BS.

"You're making it sound like the majority of women are against porn, they are not."

Says who?

I'll tell you that you are making it sound like the majority of women are for porn, they are not.

Kindly refer to @Culebra comment as to why ALOT of women actually feel they can't say anything to their partner about their porn use.

As a man who benefits from porn, and is unable to see that it is an issue for a lot of women - I don't actually feel that you should be a part of this conversation.

You cannot speak for women, you may be able to speak for your partner - based on what you discuss in your relationship, but you can't speak for women.

Only women can, love.

@hotandspicy the very fact that you say in your view porn is harmless shows how very little you give a shit about women.
Porn is far from harmless for the many women who are trafficked and used and abused for the sake of your wank.

But thanks for your mansplaining to women about what women are into. I suppose you as a man would know so much more about what women want than..us women

bigbloom · Today 15:00
“Men who think buggering, choking, slapping and spitting is sex.”

Anal sex is fine, seems to be a big thing on here. (Often done wrong in a way that's unpleasant, doesn't have to be). The whole spitting thing- just noooope and the rest.

Its fine for you perhaps.

It sounds to me like you need to lighten up and maybe have a release of your own. you sound all pent up.

Not every porn video is made by forcing women into having sex for mens pleasures. many are made by women, are you assuming they also enforcing their own genders to perform like monkeys for men to beat one out. many females have made their fame and fortune by choosing to do this and been paid well for something they enjoy. What about amatuer videos that are uploaded by consenting couples. Are they on the ban list too.. Are you going to tell me your sure the female was forced into making that for the mans pleasure too.
Of course, theres some sides to that industry that are shady, Ive not been supporting that and of course, you dont even have any idea what genre i could of watched either.

Not all porn is bad regardless of you claiming it is.

Why would anyone want genitalia in their mouth? Not everything is degrading. The fact you call it buggering tells me I won't get a measured response.

none of those are something id suggest are a turn on for many men. not me anyway

do you not like being pleasured orally from your partner? Considering thats how the largest % of women find orgasming the easiest to reach Im surprised that women find that a turn off unless they have had bad experiences previously or are prudish about their bodies.

Peoniesandcream · Today 16:00
@ScrollingLeaves A lot of women like that kind of sex, with or without porn use

Its all they know because of all the young men watching porn. Young girls feel they have to go along with it in many cases.

Where is the romance gone, and why are people so jaded that they can’t feel anything without upping the violence?