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Original poster

Ultimatum to get engaged

88 replies

Curiousgeorgia5 · 04/03/2022 09:52

My friend has given her DP an ultimatum to propose this year or separate.

This seems like a bad way to start an engagement to me. Like forcing him into it.

I have gently questioned her about this. She does not want him to leave, she just wants to get married.

Just curious if anyone else has made this kind of ultimatum and did the relationship work out?

OP posts:

Hidingin · 04/03/2022 09:59

It’s difficult isn’t it. If she stays with him for years and has his children and he never married her people will say why did you stick around?
But if she tells him she wants to get married now she’s pushy and starting the marriage badly.

If she wants to get married I’m not sure why as women were not supposed to communicate that Or have any impact on the time line of it In the same way we can say I want to buy a house, are you also happy to save up for a deposit?
I want children in x years, would you also like to try then?

But of course if she said I need a ring or I’m leaving
And had no discussion about if he wants to get married, if he wants to get married to her
What his ideal timeline may be
Why they’re not married yet
Then yes that’s probably not going to go well.
Equally if they’ve not been together long it’s a bit much.

I don’t think it’s as black and white as your question implies. But I also think you’re the friend wanting to find out if you can say this to your DP

Bananarice · 04/03/2022 10:08

She is not forcing it. Just making her boundaries clear.

If she has strong feelings and want to get married, why should she stay with a man who doesn't want to marry her?

Engagement by itself is nothing. I hope she knows this. It will give her no protection, just a move in the right direction.

Original poster

Curiousgeorgia5 · 04/03/2022 10:13

There's nothing wrong with women saying that they want to get married, thats not what I'm saying.

It's more if you push someone into marriage, can it ever work?

It's not black and white at all. This might push him into leaving and then friend ends up losing.

I'm not the friend no. I am married. Just interested in others opinions and if I am being too negative about this move? Seems like dangerous game playing to me.

OP posts:

GiantSpider · 04/03/2022 10:13

I didn't give DH an ultimatum exactly, but I did make it clear that I expected a proposal pretty soon. We'd been together nearly 5 years at this point. Sure enough he proposed on my next birthday and we've been happily married for 18 years now. So it worked for me!

I think these days I'd just propose myself, but back then I wanted him to do it.

oldestmumaintheworld · 04/03/2022 10:14

I did this although not as an ultimatum. I said, I'm getting older, I want a family and I don't want to do that without being married. If you dont want to that's fine but you need to make up your mind and tell me.

GeneLovesJezebel · 04/03/2022 10:14

There’s nothing wrong with wanting the security of marriage before you get pregnant. Maybe that’s what she’s planning.

Eastpoint · 04/03/2022 10:15

I did this in the early 90s and we’re still married. After 3 years I didn’t want to wait & see what happened. I gave him a month to think about it, before we agreed to marry we discussed whether we wanted to try & have children etc.

CornishGem1975 · 04/03/2022 10:16

I don't see the point in giving an ultimatum, why not just ask him to marry her? If he says no, she knows where she stands.

CPParenttoDD1234 · 04/03/2022 10:17

100% she should do this….. she’s saying you have a choice as she is saying I want marriage.

If she is to lose him ultimately it’s because they want different things. She’s wants marriage he doesn’t x

Getoffmyshoes · 04/03/2022 10:20

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with this at all. Plenty of men don’t value marriage as much as women and sometimes an ultimatum is needed. I know several couples where the woman has given the ultimatum and all except 1 are now happily married.

Women can’t do right for doing wrong! Giving an ultimatum is pushing him into it, but kids before marriage is being irresponsible, but if you just dump him because he hasn’t proposed then you’re a fool for not telling him your feelings!

I didn’t have to give an ultimatum as my DP proposed after a year, but I certainly made it clear I was expecting a proposal before the two year point or I’d be reconsidering the relationship.

Original poster

Curiousgeorgia5 · 04/03/2022 10:20

Yeah not sure why she won't just propose. I think previous talks about marriage have ended badly and he's made it clear it's not a priority for him.

Good to hear that this has worked out well for other people though.

OP posts:

Didimum · 04/03/2022 10:20

'Ultimatum' is the wrong word here. It's her life and she has every right to say what's going to work for her and what isn't, and he doesn't get to hold all the cards when marriage is concerned. If the end of the year is where her straw lies, then she can tell him that – what he does with that information is up to him.

Will a scenario like this ever play out well, whether it includes marriage or not? Maybe it won't, but that has nothing to do with the 'ultimatum' and everything to do with their basic incompatibly surrounding marriage.

ValerieCupcake · 04/03/2022 10:21

@Bananarice

She is not forcing it. Just making her boundaries clear.

If she has strong feelings and want to get married, why should she stay with a man who doesn't want to marry her?

Engagement by itself is nothing. I hope she knows this. It will give her no protection, just a move in the right direction.

Look at Vanessa Feltz, engaged since 2006. That Mummy Diaries woman who keeps popping out kids with her 'fiance'. Being engaged for years is a waste of time. Like you said it means nothing.

user1471554720 · 04/03/2022 10:21

When I started seeing dp we were early 30s. I did not want to spend years with someone without marrying and having a family. After about 6 months I said to him in general conversation, that people should either get married after 2 to 3 years or split up. He was a bit surprised but it indicated that I would move on if there was no commitment after a reasonable time.

I know thar people meet in college etc in their early to mid 20s and wait 7 or 10 years to get matried. That is different as people usually wouldn't get married at 23 and would start a career first.

I didn't want to keep waiting as I wanted a family and was afraid we would be 38, still meeting twice a week and neither here nor there.

The thing is, I was prepared to walk after the 2 years. If people are not prepared to walk and make an empty threat, they will show their do that they are desperate abd he may lose respect for them

AuntieStella · 04/03/2022 10:30

@Curiousgeorgia5

Yeah not sure why she won't just propose. I think previous talks about marriage have ended badly and he's made it clear it's not a priority for him.

Good to hear that this has worked out well for other people though.

She needs to decide if this is the deal breaker for her. Because no matter how important marriage is to her, if he does not want to be married there will be no proposal.

And if she states her boundary and then breaches it by staying, then that's not a good position to be in. Only she can decide what matters most, but I wouid always advise against setting out a boundary if you don't have the will to maintain it

Eastpoint · 04/03/2022 10:35

A friend of mine issued an ultimatum & her partner sad no & they split up, she met someone else who she married and had children with.

Laptopsandmouses · 04/03/2022 10:41

The thing about ultimatums is she needs to be willing to follow through on it, so if he doesn’t propose, she needs to walk, or she just looks like a manipulative game player.

It’s a gamble and she shouldn’t gamble what she can’t afford to loose.

WorraLiberty · 04/03/2022 10:44

@Curiousgeorgia5

There's nothing wrong with women saying that they want to get married, thats not what I'm saying.

It's more if you push someone into marriage, can it ever work?

It's not black and white at all. This might push him into leaving and then friend ends up losing.

I'm not the friend no. I am married. Just interested in others opinions and if I am being too negative about this move? Seems like dangerous game playing to me.

She's not pushing him into marriage, she's telling him to shit or get off the pot, which I think is fair enough.

If he doesn't want to get married she can move on.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/03/2022 10:46

Ever's a long time, but it doesn't seem the best start to me
In any case you can't force someone to get married, and your friend could easily find herself with an engagement and then endless excuses why the wedding had to be delayed

Under the circumstances, would it really be a bad thing if this caused him to leave? If they don't want the same things it seems better that she finds out now, whatever the temporary upset

k1233 · 04/03/2022 10:49

Maybe she is very prepared to lose a relationship that is not going where she wants it to go. Why hang around pining to be married when he doesn't want to be. Better to cut her losses and find someone on the same page as her.

Rainbowqueeen · 04/03/2022 10:52

I actually think it’s a good thing. She can walk away knowing that she was perfectly clear about what she wanted and expected for her life and that he chose not to accept that. - assuming they don’t get engaged.
Hanging around waiting dropping hints and hoping would be a waste of her time.

I also feel really strongly that a person who doesn’t want to get married, knows that their partner does but won’t end the relationship and keeps them hanging on with maybes and future faking is a cowardly selfish nasty person.

Zazdar · 04/03/2022 11:00

A friend of mine did this and they broke up. She wasn’t happy.

Original poster

Curiousgeorgia5 · 04/03/2022 11:02

It might work out for the best if he leaves.

My concern is that she has not prepared herself for this outcome. She thinks this only has one ending.

Also it definitely is an ultimatum - her word.

OP posts:

stripeyflowers · 04/03/2022 11:05

She made it clear it was all-in or over. He chose to stay. It's not the best but in a similar situation I would do the same.

AgentJohnson · 04/03/2022 11:09

I wish more women would do this. She is given him the opportunity to make a decision, he doesn’t have to marry her but he doesn’t get to waste her time if marriage is something he doesn’t want now or in the future. Would you prefer your friend to waste her time with someone who doesn’t share her relationship goals?

Some people have a hard time with women making their boundaries clear, it appears op, you’re probably one of them

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