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Original poster

Ultimatum to get engaged

88 replies

Curiousgeorgia5 · 04/03/2022 09:52

My friend has given her DP an ultimatum to propose this year or separate.

This seems like a bad way to start an engagement to me. Like forcing him into it.

I have gently questioned her about this. She does not want him to leave, she just wants to get married.

Just curious if anyone else has made this kind of ultimatum and did the relationship work out?

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 04/03/2022 12:26

I’m a little torn. I was with my husband for 7 years before we got engaged. We both knew where it was heading because we’d spoken a lot about eventually getting engaged and married. I didn’t feel the need to give him an ultimatum because I knew that we both felt the same. I did like to send him pictures of rings I liked for fun though! 😂
You’ve said previous conversations haven’t ended well because he doesn’t see it as a priority. Personally I wouldn’t give him an ultimatum but would need a proper discussion with him about what he wanted for their future. If she wants to be married and he isn’t ready to commit then j think you’re right to raise the issue of what happens next to her. Is she prepared to end it with him or will she stay?
My friend pressured her partner to propose. She gave him the ultimatum. They agreed for a long engagement and went to buy the ring together. Overtime he felt like he was the only one compromising and was more accommodating to her needs and wants than his. He eventually left her as his family encouraged him to do what was right for him and he wasn’t ready to be engaged or married yet.
I agree that she shouldn’t be sitting around waiting for a proposal but if he isn’t ready yet then he shouldn’t be forced into it either. It’s more of a discussion of what do they both want in the future.

gannett · 04/03/2022 12:31

@LindaEllen

I don't understand why women do this. TALK to your partners. ASK them if they want to get married, and if they do, when. I don't understand why women try to force their partners' hands and then post all over social media about a romantic proposal.

If you want to get married, you ask your partner. We don't live in the sodding 1950s.

This.

Why do people think a proposal should be the man's decision?

How do you get so far into a relationship that you know you want to marry this man, without having had a proper conversation about what you both think about marriage generally, whether you want it, what sort of timeframes you both want?

How do you get to the stage where you want to commit the rest of your life to someone, but can't take the lead in making it happen?

"I think we should get married. Do you? And if so, when?" shouldn't be too hard to say.

(For me, the conversation involved laying out why I didn't want to get married - but DP and I have talked about marriage as a concept/construct many times, and if I had wanted to get married I'd have had ample opportunity to tell him.)

MostlyHappyMummy · 04/03/2022 12:33

How does she think being engaged will change things? She still won't be married.

2bazookas · 04/03/2022 12:49

Absolutely pointless. If one party doesn't want to commit to the other, the relationship isn't going to last.

Marriage takes two enthusiastic volunteers both determined to make it work. Prisoners and passengers are fatal.

FuckIDunno · 04/03/2022 12:50

I didn’t give an ultimatum as I had no intention of leaving after 15 years, but I did tell him marriage is important to me and if he had no intention of getting married he should tell me now.

We were married within 4 months. 🤷‍♀️

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/03/2022 12:59

She needs to start planning the wedding as soon as he asks. It will be obvious if he is dragging his feet

It might be obvious to others, but not necessarily to her if she's determined to go on kidding herself. It's depressing how often this happens - also how often the DPs find someone else and are then married very quickly

DelurkingAJ · 04/03/2022 12:59

I did something akin to this. We’d been dating four years, I was late 20s and I believe my words were ‘if this isn’t going to end in marriage then I want to be single at 30, not at 35 or 40 because I want to have children and I want to be married first’. We’re over a decade into marriage. DH freely admitted it was something he was just thinking would happen eventually and he hadn’t thought about it in terms of how much time I had to play with (I’m slightly older so his mates were nowhere near getting married).

TartanCurtains · 04/03/2022 13:12

I gave my ex an ultimatum after five years together to propose, or I'd leave and find someone who would. He did (willingly it seemed), and we got married and lasted 10 years.

When he left me, among the other things he said by way of "explanation", he pointed out he had never wanted to get married in the first place. Which was nice of him.

Ilady · 04/03/2022 13:36

I think that if getting married is important to you that you should be able to say this to your boyfriend. Marriage gives people more legal rights if things were to go wrong or if one person died leaving the other person with a child or children to bring up.
One lady I went to school with had a good career and was with this man for a few years. She was in her late 20's and wanted to get married and have children. He knew this but he was happy just going out with her. She ended things with him. Within a few years she was married to another man and they have a family now.
Another man I know ended things with his girlfriend as he knew she wanted marriage and kids. He told me why he did this. At least he was honest with her and did not let her waste her time thinking that a proposal was coming. She is now married to another man and they have a family.
It's not fair stringing some one along when you know that you have no interest in getting married or having kids. At least be mature enough to be honest with your girlfriend that you don't want marriage and possibly kids.
Your friend has told her boyfriend what she wants. Unless he is on the same page she right to walk away when she has time to meet another man who wants the same as her.

birdlawyerr · 04/03/2022 13:53

Why not if that’s what she wants?

layladomino · 04/03/2022 17:57

My friend and her OH had agreed they wanted to marry one day, but she wanted it sooner. He wanted to wait a bit. I believe he genuinely wanted to marry but they were on a different timeline.

She was also keen that he be the one to propose (he had previously almost 'fallen in' to getting married because his OH / family all expected it. She needed to know this was his decision). However, if he was the one proposing then he would get to decide the timing. So, she made clear to him that he could decide, privately, when he wanted to propose, but she could decide, privately, how long she was willing to wait. If he hadn't proposed by that date then she would leave.

He may be the one proposing but she wasn't going to be a passive onlooker in her own life.

This was a long time ago and they've been happily married for a long time now.

GreyCarpet · 04/03/2022 18:04

My exh gave me a similar ultimatum after proposing, and me turning him down, twice previously.

I just didn't want to get married. To him or anyone.

In the end, I accepted. Because I wasn't ready to walk away and I couldn't think of a better reason to give him than I just didn't want to. I married him for all the wrong reasons and it was a short unhappy marriage.

I think it's a bad idea!

Zazdar · 04/03/2022 18:07

I believe he genuinely wanted to marry but they were on a different timeline.

Some couples don’t appear to have any intention of getting married even though they describe themselves as “engaged”.

MrsMillhouse · 04/03/2022 18:29

Early on in our relationship i made clear to DH that I wouldn’t be hanging around for years on end waiting for a man to propose: I wanted to get married, and wouldn’t be having children with anyone without marriage or hanging around for someone who didn’t love me enough to get married. DH wasn’t massively fussed about marriage, but knew he wanted to be with me for life: so we got married.

I don’t see anything wrong with the ultimatum: if he doesn’t want to get married, why should she hang around

istandwithukraine · 04/03/2022 18:30

I made it quite clear to my DH what my boundaries were when it came to marriage (and marriage before children) - he knew the consequences. We got married. I don't see the issue personally - Better then tip toeing around the issue and complaining on MN 5 kids and 10 years later that your "boyfriend" won't marry you 🤷🏻‍♀️

Dramaticpenguin · 04/03/2022 18:37

I had made it clear that I wanted to get married if we were having children, then when I got pregnant u said if we weren't getting married, the baby was having my last name, because I didn't want a different name from my child. That worked, a proposal came fairly soon after that and we've been married 11 years (together 20)

CrumpetStrumpet · 04/03/2022 19:00

Your friends partner has already made it clear marriage isn't his priority. However it is your friends and that makes them incompatible.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to get married. However I would rather die than beg a man to marry me (which is effectively what this is) Who wants to marry a man they've had to cajole into it?

Your friends predicament is a very good example of why women should part ways from a man as soon as it becomes clear they aren't compatible. I suspect he will either flat out refuse her ultimatum. In fact I hope he does and that that does walk away to save herself further pain. You can guarantee the other alternative will be a grudging engagement that lasts forever...

ittakes2 · 04/03/2022 19:03

If he doesn’t want to marry her than he will leave her and she will be free to find someone that does.

cornflakedreams · 04/03/2022 19:10

"Friend" . You are clearly no friend to her to publish this online.

It's quite some next level gossiping to publish your so-called friend's private life online and invite strangers to pass judgement.

If she could recognise herself from all the detail you've published, it's identifiable regardless of not naming her. That's why newspapers only report limited vague details on the victims of sexual assault cases as otherwise they can be identified by people who know them, even if not named.

Pretty sure from all that detail she won't be in any doubt it's her you're writing about. Well done.

gemloving · 04/03/2022 19:15

@Curiousgeorgia5 but she hasn't lost if he doesn't want the same as her. Marriage is important to her and if he doesn't want it, then they are not compatible.

Lurking9to5 · 04/03/2022 19:18

I think it will marshall his thoughts and it reminds him that she is not obliged to just accept his terms.
Different circs but my xbf was shocked when i l3ft him. I think some men do 5hink a woman ought to be grateful for q boyfriend and just shut up and put up.

Neolara · 04/03/2022 19:18

I think this is reasonable common and also very sensible for lots of women. I know of women who stayed around for years hoping their partner would pop they question but it never happened. By the time they faced up the the situation, they were in their late 30s with the prospect of never having children a very real possibility. Their partners had just strung them along for years and behaved incredibly selfishly.

Original poster
Curiousgeorgia5 · 04/03/2022 19:32

@cornflakedreams what details have I shared?

Do you know her age? Where she lives? If they have children? Jobs? How recently this happened? How long they have been together?

Don't plenty of people talk about friends anonymously on here?

I've come round to thinking it's not that strange after all after hearing how many others have done similar.

OP posts:
MrsBlaue · 04/03/2022 19:57

I agree with those saying it’s normal. She doesn’t want to waste her life if his intentions do not match hers. She obviously has deep feelings for him for she hasn’t just left like many would do in a relationship that’s moving too slowly for you. Sh*t or get off the pot!

Aprilx · 04/03/2022 21:09

@Curiousgeorgia5

There's nothing wrong with women saying that they want to get married, thats not what I'm saying.

It's more if you push someone into marriage, can it ever work?

It's not black and white at all. This might push him into leaving and then friend ends up losing.

I'm not the friend no. I am married. Just interested in others opinions and if I am being too negative about this move? Seems like dangerous game playing to me.

She won’t succeed in pushing him into it against his will, if he doesn’t want to marry her he won’t and then she at least has her answer.