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Original poster

Ultimatum to get engaged

88 replies

Curiousgeorgia5 · 04/03/2022 09:52

My friend has given her DP an ultimatum to propose this year or separate.

This seems like a bad way to start an engagement to me. Like forcing him into it.

I have gently questioned her about this. She does not want him to leave, she just wants to get married.

Just curious if anyone else has made this kind of ultimatum and did the relationship work out?

OP posts:
headspin10 · 05/03/2022 08:58

I know someone who did this, basically said 'baby or marriage' it didn't go well.

DeeCeeCherry · 05/03/2022 09:06

She's not 'oushing him into marriage' she has boundaries.

What do you want ger to do, sit around in silent hope?

MiddleAgedLurker · 05/03/2022 09:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

Prescottdanni123 · 05/03/2022 09:49

I wouldn't want to pressure someone into getting married. If he hasn't proposed, chances are it is because he doesn't feel ready yet. And if two people enter into marriage before one of them is ready, there is a chance of it all going tits up before long.

Lurking9to5 · 05/03/2022 11:21

It's precisely that courage to walk away that means you are "valued" in the first place. When you cling to something that isnt ideal like it's a raft, they know you have no courage to value yourself more highly.
I regret what a frightened mouse i was. I was sociable and outgoing though so i didnt realise i was a frightened mouse. I thought i was confident.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/03/2022 12:55

It's precisely that courage to walk away that means you are "valued" in the first place. When you cling to something that isnt ideal like it's a raft, they know you have no courage to value yourself more highly

Beautifully put, Lurking9to5

Natty13 · 05/03/2022 13:51

I know 2 women who did this. Both strong characters with more passive husbands. Both couples happily married >10 years now.

I think for both the men in those situations, they were in the back seat for everything else in the relationships while their GFs were in the driving seat so while they kept saying they wanted to get married it would never have happened otherwise because they never would have "got round" to proposing. From what I can see, they dont get round to anything much in life until they are told. Not for me but clearly seems to work for them all.

FayCarew · 05/03/2022 14:03

It's not such a bad idea.

I know a couple who had been dating for a long long time. She gave him an ultimatum, he didn't propose and they split up. He said she was nice but she wasn't his future wife.

She met someone else and got married quite soon after, He married the next girlfriend after a couple of years

InRoseBlush · 05/03/2022 14:12

I don't think it's a bad idea tbh, if he doesn't propose and she sticks to her word at least she won't waste anymore time with him. If marriage is important to her and he doesn't want to marry her or anyone then he's not the man for her.

I haven't given an outright ultimatum but when my boyfriend and I had been together for a while and started having chats about marriage I told him I want to be engaged before I turn 30 and wouldn't stick around if it didn't happen. I don't want to be one of those women who waste years hoping their boyfriend will propose. When I turn 30 we'll have been together for 4 years and he agreed that my timeline worked for him too. So we will see!

D0lphine · 05/03/2022 14:30

My current bf asked me about kids after our second date!

Lots of men want relationships that will progress to marriage and kids.

I think she is right to be clear about her goals in life and she can reasonably expect a good progression.

I don't think a man can be surprised about a woman wanting to get married after a couple of years of being together, esp if women is 25 or more. And if he doesn't want to get married then ditch him and find someone who does (plenty of men do!)

I wouldn't advise giving an ultimatum tbh but I would advise discussing it openly and often and making it clear from the start of a relationship that you want kids and marriage within the next few years. I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

SleepingFrog · 05/03/2022 14:37

Not quite the same but I did tell my now husband that if he didn't know within a few years that he wanted to marry me then not to waste my time as I knew marriage was something I wanted. The conversation came about because my husband was not bothered about being married and I didn't want to be with someone for years and years then realise it was wasted time waiting for a proposal that would never come. If she has made it clear to her partner that marriage is important to her and he doesn't want it then a split or proposal ultimatum seems to make sense... If he doesn't want to propose then why hang around if it's so important to her? Both of them could find someone with relationship values more similar to their own. I think the important part of this ultimatum situation is whether he is a strong enough person to walk away rather than be coerced in to a proposal and that's only something your friend will know; there's not going to be a good future in a marriage that was unwanted by one half of the pair.

SprayedWithDettol · 05/03/2022 14:50

I don’t understand the wait until the end of the year. If he wants marriage, he knows it now. The next 10 months waiting will be hell.

Just ask him and if he says no, then split.

whiteroseredrose · 05/03/2022 15:06

I did it.

My (now) DH had said that he wanted to spend his life with me but wasn't that bothered about marriage. To me it was very important.

(As background my ex had said the same but was married to someone else within 6 months of our splitting.)

So I told him to have a good think about it. If he really did want me then we would arrange a wedding. If not I would move on. To me it would be a sign that he didn't really want me after all. I wanted his decision within about 10 months. He proposed after 3 months.

In December we will have been married for 24 years.

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