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Original poster

Ultimatum to get engaged

88 replies

Curiousgeorgia5 · 04/03/2022 09:52

My friend has given her DP an ultimatum to propose this year or separate.

This seems like a bad way to start an engagement to me. Like forcing him into it.

I have gently questioned her about this. She does not want him to leave, she just wants to get married.

Just curious if anyone else has made this kind of ultimatum and did the relationship work out?

OP posts:
Zazdar · 04/03/2022 11:09

My concern is that she has not prepared herself for this outcome.

That was the case with my friend. He was the love of her life and she had planned their future life together in great detail. It didn’t help that he moved on pretty quickly after the split.

To be honest, I tried my best to be a good friend but she became hard work.

3peassuit · 04/03/2022 11:11

I think she’s right to do this. Better to break up than waste years with a man who can’t commit.

LindaEllen · 04/03/2022 11:12

I don't understand why women do this. TALK to your partners. ASK them if they want to get married, and if they do, when. I don't understand why women try to force their partners' hands and then post all over social media about a romantic proposal.

If you want to get married, you ask your partner. We don't live in the sodding 1950s.

Original poster
Curiousgeorgia5 · 04/03/2022 11:17

@agentjohnson I'm actually starting to see it more as a positive action for her now - but thanks for your input!

I think women should be free to make boundaries, communicate them and be respected by their partners in doing so.

No problem with a woman saying this what I want, get on board or leave. Just thinking ahead to possible outcomes that's all.

Sometimes it's hard to discuss things like this as people are so tied up in their own stories.

OP posts:
Chisandbiscuits · 04/03/2022 11:17

I made it very clear to DH that I wanted to get married within the next few years after we we started going out. This came about after he told me we could maybe have a long engagement as a couple he knew had been engaged for ten years. I was very short with him and told him I had no intention of hanging around waiting for him for ten years. I wanted to get married and if he didn't value me enough to propose I'd be off. We got engaged the next Christmas and that was over twenty years ago. The only thing I regret about it was it took away the spontaneity of the engagement

Derelicthome · 04/03/2022 11:17

I would have thought for first time marriages, most men would see proposing as a right of passage. I think it’s actually a big deal to take that away without sounding out if that is what they want. Like the guy turning up to the wedding in the white dress would piss off most brides (sorry terrible analogy).
And so giving an ultimatum is actually kind in still allowing the man a timeframe to propose if that is important to him.
That was my thinking anyway.
I gave my DH an ultimatum. I said I would propose to him at the next leap year and if he wanted to be the one to propose he needed to do it before then.

Thewindwhispers · 04/03/2022 11:20

I do know a woman who, 6 months after meeting her boyfriend, told him ‘I want marriage and children and I’d love them to be with you but I don’t have time to wait around so fyi if we aren’t engaged within the next 6 months then this relationship isn’t right for me.’

They’re happily married with several kids now.

Sheilablessus · 04/03/2022 11:23

Is there anything worse than being 'strung' along? Does friend think he might be waiting till a better prospect comes along.
Better to decide now than in 2 years time.
Make your mind up time sunshine!

JadeSeahorse · 04/03/2022 11:26

I was the one given an ultimatum in our case.

Boyfriend at the time said unless I agreed to marry him there was no point in carrying on.☹️

Understandable really if we had been together for a few years but we had only been dating for 3 months.🤣

However, he was obviously right, (As he often reminds me 😄), as we have been very happily married for 42 years!

Didimum · 04/03/2022 11:29

Well, if she's not prepared to follow through on it, then she'll have to learn the hard way.

Petsop · 04/03/2022 11:30

Yep happens quite a lot. Man happy to coast, woman ready for commitment. I’ve seen it over moving in together, getting married and having children. In all instances works out fine. Think it’s just part of communication and asserting boundaries in relationships.

Original poster
Curiousgeorgia5 · 04/03/2022 11:31

It's really interesting hearing everyone's different experiences! I thought this was a really unusual situation, but I guess it isn't.

OP posts:
Chloemol · 04/03/2022 11:34

She needs to be careful, he could propose and get engaged with no intention of marrying her

Linguini · 04/03/2022 11:35

Can't she propose to him?

Linguini · 04/03/2022 11:36

^ sorry I guess it's too late now she's made her ultimatum.

I hindsight she should have just said "will you marry me".

theyreallydontcare · 04/03/2022 11:41

She's right to give him an ultimatum. Women are made to seem unreasonable for putting their needs first, and too many men are very happy indeed not to get married.
I was only 19 when I met my husband, and full of anti-marriage rhetoric. Fast forward 8 years, after one abortion and two miscarriages, and broken promises of marriage and an engagement that was looking increasingly like something just done to appease me, I left. I loved him to bits but I felt I was compromising myself too much. It was a gamble. I was fully prepared for it to be completely over, but he was shocked to the core. We took it slowly, but after 6 months I moved back in with him, and we were married a year after that. We've been together nearly 40 years now in total.

Sometimes you have to do what feels right.

Original poster
Curiousgeorgia5 · 04/03/2022 11:43

I think proposing would have been the more direct way of doing it. Asking the question seems better than trying to get someone else to do what you want.

The engagement with no marriage at the end will just prolong the stringing along. But it's her life.

OP posts:
me4real · 04/03/2022 11:44

I don't see the point in giving an ultimatum, why not just ask him to marry her?

@CornishGem1975 That's not as romantic somehow though.

CornishGem1975 · 04/03/2022 11:45

Nothing romantic about an ultimatum either @me4real!

moocow123456 · 04/03/2022 11:52

One of my friends did this.

She had been with her partner for about 6 years and said either you marry me or I'm ending the relationship.

He did marry her and they now have children and are still together.

I don't agree with it though.
I wouldn't want someone to marry me purely because I'd said I would end the relationship otherwise!
I can't understand it though as marriage is not important to me at all.

ClaudiaWankleman · 04/03/2022 11:52

She should propose if it is that high up her list of priorities. The idea that women must be proposed to is a bit silly IMO.

Zazdar · 04/03/2022 11:53

The engagement with no marriage at the end will just prolong the stringing along. But it's her life.

She needs to start planning the wedding as soon as he asks. It will be obvious if he is dragging his feet.

OhMygodddd · 04/03/2022 11:54

She’s in the right, I should have done that, 16 years later I still wasn’t married. An ultimatum is better than wasting your best years on someone who won’t marry you

Lalliella · 04/03/2022 12:02

Why do women sit around waiting for proposals? Are we in a Jane Austen book? Why doesn’t she just sit down with him and have a talk about where their futures are going?

Dontbeme · 04/03/2022 12:04

It's not black and white at all. This might push him into leaving and then friend ends up losing

It's odd you think of it as her losing, what would she have lost really, just a man that is happy to waste her time and not offer her the security that marriage offers legally. That is no great loss, maybe it could be her opportunity to clear out the dead weight in her life and make room for something more fulfilling whether that's a new partner, new work or travel opportunities or just the time to focus solely on herself for a bit.

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