Any suggestions - friend being a bit OTT around my boyfriend...

[MyShinyNewCar]

OK. Will try and keep this brief...

Started seeing someone in one of my friendship groups about 4 months ago.

I'm mid 40s, he is late 50s.

We've been friends for around 4 years. In this group, I have made a fairly close friend, will call her A. A is early 50s and has been married for over 20 years.

Since we became close friends, she has told me that, when I first joined the group, she felt a bit threatened by me. I don't know if this is relevant.

Anyway, she is quite a bubbly, flirty person and flirts quite outrageously. Nothing is meant by it. It's harmless and no one really cares and it's often quite entertaining.

My boyfriend is quite a tactile, flirty person (but doesn't actually 'flirt'). Again, I don't have a problem.

A was really happy for us when we got together. We are blissfully happy. We both feel really happy, contented and at peace with each other. Its the best relationship I've ever had and the only one I've ever seen as having long term potential.

As a group, we get together about once a week or so for a couple of hours one evening and socialise. It's really nice. I've noticed that he's dialled back the flirtiness with her. He's friendly and still talks to/laughs with her and hugs her hello and goodbye - as we all do - but he's definitely and clearly put some distance in place. I've noticed but it's not something I've ever said anything about. But he has told me that I'm really important to him and he doesn't want anything to "fuck this up" so I'm assuming it's related.

Anyway, she has also clearly noticed and seems to have upped the ante somewhat...

For example, this week, when we met, I was talking to A and another woman at the end of the evening. He hugged the other woman but he just said goodbye to A and walked off to say bye to others. She said, "I'm not letting him get away with that!" And walked up behind him, put her arms around his waist and hugged him from behind. She and I are a similar height and build and he was wearing a coat so he clearly assumed (from his reaction) that it was me. When he turned round and saw it wasn't, he laughed and said," Oh it's you," had a quick chat with her, hugged her and she came back happy.

I noticed during the evening that she was smiling at, and trying to catch my boyfriend's attention, all evening. He ignored most of it and responded appropriately when he did.

It's only happened on about 3 or 4 occasions.

I don't know if I was overthinking it but it felt like she was watching me to gauge my reaction and every time he and I chatted or flirted, she was also straight in there.

I have no doubt that she has no genuine interest in him whatsoever. It feels more like she is just trying to prove to herself that she's still 'got it'. I don't know. It's nothing tangible enough that he would notice the increase and nothing inappropriate enough that he would put her straight but I feel like she now views me as some sort of competition and so I feel like I'm in a weird contest I didn't sign up for.

I've experienced this previously and it was tiresome, stressful ultimately the man and I fell out over it. I feel my boyfriend is doing the things I'd expect from him bit it feels that she's just 'pushing it'.

I don't want to cause upset in the group.

Any suggestions on how this should be handled?

It sounds like he's got the measure of her. If it continues, you could mention how uncomfortable it makes you feel, to him. How you feel is understandable, but try not to show a reaction to her other than a pitying look.

Don’t rise to it - that is playing into her hands. My mum and sister can behave like this around men - it is pathetic and painful to watch. It sounds like your partner is behaving well, so I would literally ignore at all costs - that will annoy her more than anything. But she may make a holy show of herself in her attempts to get a reaction. As long as your partner doesn’t rise to it, she is just showing herself up.

Thanks. Yes, I'm really careful not to show any reaction to it.

I'm no different with her but I did notice the previous time we went out that she looked at bit, I don't know, put out. She was a bit distant with me until I made an effort with her and he was quite dismissive of her on occasion (still friendly though) whereas he previously wouldn't have been.

It actually made me wonder whether she thinks he's distancing himself because I've asked him to and she's 'rescuing' him from that.

I don't know. I will say something to him if it continues but I don't want to sound 'jealous' because I'm not. I just don't want to feel on edge because every time I go to speak to him, she's got there first or she's staring at him and smiling trying to catch his eye when we're talking.

I just feel on 'high alert'.

We're all going out at the weekend and, tbh, I'm dreading it. There's part of me that would rather not go and just take myself out of it but that wouldn't be fair on him. Or me.

Yeah, my mum used to do it too.

It was embarrassing but any vaguely available man in a 5 mile radius was on her radar!

It's why I'm so aware of it and alert to it.

I had a mutual acquaintance behave like this when I got together with my DP. She was more in his friendship group and had been also friends with one of my exes who had obviously sold her the “crazy ex” story.

She was very overtly flirty with him when she hadn’t been before and always in front of me, almost gleefully looking me in the eye.

Anyway I openly howled with laughter at her. But she wasn’t a friend of mine so I had no allegiance to keep. She doesn’t do it now and after 13 years we are quite friendly. It’s a weird power play thing I think.

She sounds like an absolute tit, to be honest. Is she one of those women who completely changes personality around men? And if so, I have to ask why you'd want to be friends with someone so immature in your 40s/50s?

As for advice, just roll your eyes and ignore. Your new partner sounds like a decent guy who has got the measure of her and knows how to humour it to keep the peace

Yeah, it is a weird power play.

I invited her put for a drink a couple of weeks ago, after the first time I was really aware that it was happening, and we had a lovely evening.

I dont think she wishes me any harm or wants to split us up and she certainly doesn't want him. This is about her.

@YukoandHiro

She sounds like an absolute tit, to be honest. Is she one of those women who completely changes personality around men? And if so, I have to ask why you'd want to be friends with someone so immature in your 40s/50s?

No, she flirts with everyone! There just seems to be more focus on him now.

Tbh, I didn't view it as immature before. She's a confident, successful woman who let's her hair down and we all have a laugh. She's always been lovely. But I now feel I'm veering into 'frenemy' territory. And I really cba with that.

I'm not even sure how conscious it is, tbh.

@YukoandHiro

As for advice, just roll your eyes and ignore. Your new partner sounds like a decent guy who has got the measure of her and knows how to humour it to keep the peace

Yes, this is exactly what he's doing.

I have been ignoring but it's hard when it feels like whenever I want to rank to him, she's already vying for his attention.

But I am giving no reaction.

"Flirty" people are annoying as fuck.

Talk not rank!

I think for the woman in my scenario, it was that she and another friend had been the main females in that group before I came along. I had history with her as someone else’s ex in the same kind of set up, with my ex it was a band and she was their van driver so she had more power in that situation. In this situation though she probably wanted to assert what she had left, a lot of people know us both separately so maybe she wanted to remind me of my position, I don’t know.

The power of laughter is a glorious thing though. If I were you I would laugh at how little it affects you and she’ll suddenly wonder why she’s wasting her time. It doesn’t fill her cup that way.

@LondonWolf

"Flirty" people are annoying as fuck.

Generally, I'd agree.

She's a flirty with everyone person. I took her out with a couple of male friends and she was flirting with one of them terribly.

My boyfriend is probably 'a bit cheeky' rather than flirty and only with women he knows well. He's never been like it with strangers.

And he doesn't make sexual comments at all where as she does.

@SisterAgatha

I think for the woman in my scenario, it was that she and another friend had been the main females in that group before I came along. I had history with her as someone else’s ex in the same kind of set up, with my ex it was a band and she was their van driver so she had more power in that situation. In this situation though she probably wanted to assert what she had left, a lot of people know us both separately so maybe she wanted to remind me of my position, I don’t know.

The power of laughter is a glorious thing though. If I were you I would laugh at how little it affects you and she’ll suddenly wonder why she’s wasting her time. It doesn’t fill her cup that way.

Yeah, there is some familiarity in that. She was in the group before me and regarded herself as the 'attractive', outgoing, one who stood out. Apparently, when I joined, she felt that i was 'competition' for her in that respect.

Oh that was it, she was the coolest one until I came along. Apparently.

Thing is, I like her. Out of all of them, she's probably the only one I'd really socialise with on my own. It's just this development is odd.

Just say something to him about it and call her out on it if you want.

Far better than constantly being on high alert and on edge assessing her behaviour and if his response was appropriate and how often he ignored her versus how often he gives her the attention she desires etc

It actually made me wonder whether she thinks he's distancing himself because I've asked him to and she's 'rescuing' him from that.

No she doesn't think that. Honestly just say something rather than trying to analyse behaviour and responses and how they interact.

I think you are being a bit U here.

I think it’s very difficult to be in a relationship with someone who was in your friendship group and you’ve only been with him 4 months so it’s still very new.
Im concerned that you think she’s your frenemy when you’ve been friends with her for years and only been with him 4 months - don’t let a relationship come between you and your friends.

You say they both have a flirty personality and they aren’t attracted to each other so she is acting as normal - I just think you are more aware of it now.

I think he was very rude that he didn’t hug her initially and this would have raised a bit of a red flag for me.

I find flirty people really annoying but it sounds like you’re getting jealous when there’s nothing to be jealous about and you’ll end up driving yourself mad overthinking everything.

I would think it’s a bit odd that he feels the need to distance himself from her in the way you describe - if you’re all friends, she’s married and there’s nothing in it then why would continuing his up until now typical behaviour with her “fuck things up” with you? If you all hug bye and he hugs one person but not the other then it draws attention to their friendship being different in some way - it could be that he’s attracted to her and/or has been overly flirty with her in the past and feels guilty about it now he’s in a relationship with you. If you’ve noticed it, others in the group will have too. They haven’t had an affair in the past have they?

Facewipes
That’s what I was thinking.

I can’t work out why but this would make me feel very uncomfortable and I think it’s because of what you’ve said.

I think it’s very off he wouldn’t hug her even though she’s his friend and he hugged everyone else including another women. That wouldn’t sit right with me.

OK. Well I gave as much detail as I could. I appreciate no one responding knows me, them or the group dynamics.

I'm quite clear that I'm not jealous. Jealousy isn't what I feel. Just "here we go again" weariness and a feeling she's going a bit OTT for his attention.

It's only changed in the past 3 or 4 weeks. Prior to that she was the same with him as she'd been before - which I had no problem with.

They definitely haven't had an affair.

He probably does think she's attractive. Because she is and he's not blind. That doesn't bother me. I think she's attractive.

I don't know if he thinks being the way he was before would "fuck things up". He just said he didn't want that to happen. And he means in any way. Not with women. I don't want to fuck things up either!

I think he just feels that you should behave differently when you're in a relationship. I think most people think that!

Her position would have made it difficult to hug her. He'd have had to push someone else out of the way. He hugged her earlier on in the evening. It's waste that she was making a point of the fact he hadn't in a way that seemed a bit OTT. If I'd been in her position, I'd have hugged the other person later when it was more convenient. I wouldn't make a big statement and about follow them and allow them to think it was actually their girlfriend doing it 🤷🏻‍♀️ but maybe that's just me...

I know them both well. I have no concerns about his intentions either now or previously.

I had no issue with the way things were before. But she has definitely changed in the way she is towards him over the past few weeks.

I'm quite clear that I'm not jealous. Jealousy isn't what I feel. Just "here we go again" weariness and a feeling she's going a bit OTT for his attention.

If I had a partner I wouldn't want a friend of mine going up behind him and giving him a bear hug from behind, that's just odd and disrespectful.

Likewise I wouldn't do it to his friends, because it's weird A.F
Most people know how to behave around other peoples partners!

If I saw people in their 40s and 50s acting like that I'd think they were swingers

@user1481840227
😂😂 yes she does sound like a swinger!!! 🤣🤣

OP: I'd be saying to him omg what's wrong with her, but that's just me. Maybe your relationship isn't in the right place yet for that kind of openness. I'd literally be having the kind of discussion you're having on here. And he'd smile and say yes she's a horrid slapper and don't worry, I'm keeping her at arm's length.

Then we'd have a pact that at any occasions together, he'd sit away from her, close down any engagement and really give her the message (at least for now, so she gets cold water in her face and stops it).

We would act in tandem.

Yes it is disrespectful and bad behaviour on her part. I think she has to be clearly put in her place with this.