Any suggestions - friend being a bit OTT around my boyfriend...

[MyShinyNewCar]

OK. Will try and keep this brief...

Started seeing someone in one of my friendship groups about 4 months ago.

I'm mid 40s, he is late 50s.

We've been friends for around 4 years. In this group, I have made a fairly close friend, will call her A. A is early 50s and has been married for over 20 years.

Since we became close friends, she has told me that, when I first joined the group, she felt a bit threatened by me. I don't know if this is relevant.

Anyway, she is quite a bubbly, flirty person and flirts quite outrageously. Nothing is meant by it. It's harmless and no one really cares and it's often quite entertaining.

My boyfriend is quite a tactile, flirty person (but doesn't actually 'flirt'). Again, I don't have a problem.

A was really happy for us when we got together. We are blissfully happy. We both feel really happy, contented and at peace with each other. Its the best relationship I've ever had and the only one I've ever seen as having long term potential.

As a group, we get together about once a week or so for a couple of hours one evening and socialise. It's really nice. I've noticed that he's dialled back the flirtiness with her. He's friendly and still talks to/laughs with her and hugs her hello and goodbye - as we all do - but he's definitely and clearly put some distance in place. I've noticed but it's not something I've ever said anything about. But he has told me that I'm really important to him and he doesn't want anything to "fuck this up" so I'm assuming it's related.

Anyway, she has also clearly noticed and seems to have upped the ante somewhat...

For example, this week, when we met, I was talking to A and another woman at the end of the evening. He hugged the other woman but he just said goodbye to A and walked off to say bye to others. She said, "I'm not letting him get away with that!" And walked up behind him, put her arms around his waist and hugged him from behind. She and I are a similar height and build and he was wearing a coat so he clearly assumed (from his reaction) that it was me. When he turned round and saw it wasn't, he laughed and said," Oh it's you," had a quick chat with her, hugged her and she came back happy.

I noticed during the evening that she was smiling at, and trying to catch my boyfriend's attention, all evening. He ignored most of it and responded appropriately when he did.

It's only happened on about 3 or 4 occasions.

I don't know if I was overthinking it but it felt like she was watching me to gauge my reaction and every time he and I chatted or flirted, she was also straight in there.

I have no doubt that she has no genuine interest in him whatsoever. It feels more like she is just trying to prove to herself that she's still 'got it'. I don't know. It's nothing tangible enough that he would notice the increase and nothing inappropriate enough that he would put her straight but I feel like she now views me as some sort of competition and so I feel like I'm in a weird contest I didn't sign up for.

I've experienced this previously and it was tiresome, stressful ultimately the man and I fell out over it. I feel my boyfriend is doing the things I'd expect from him bit it feels that she's just 'pushing it'.

I don't want to cause upset in the group.

Any suggestions on how this should be handled?

Yes, pick me girl is about right.

She doesn't want any of the men she flirts with but I think she feels threatened that their attention is elsewhere and wants to know she's still attractive.

I don't see her as insecure but she has asked me for reassurance on things in the past so maybe she is a little 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm not sure now whether to say anything to him. He is one of those people who always sees the good in others. I've never heard him criticise anyone. I think he'd find it confusing that she and I are friends and yet I think she's behaving inappropriately towards him. But I need him to know I think it's inappropriate and disrespectful because I don't want him to take lack of comment as a sign I'm actually OK with it.

I do know, because she's told me in the past, rhat she prefers the company of men to women and doesn't have many female friends. Although the ones she has are close.

When she did the dance move (which she did several times throughout the evening) she was looking at him. I think she was hoping he'd join in. He didn't. She looked at me - possibly to gauge my reaction and I just smiled at her.

The stupid thing is, as I was telling her about it, a voice in the back of my head was screaming at me, "What the hell are you doing? You know she'll do it now," and then she did 🙄

I've never seen her behave like this at all towards/around her best friend's husband.

He's trying to distance himself.
If I were him I'd tell her straight. Women like this are an embarrassment. Where's her husband?

She’s jealous, but not because she wants him as such, she wants what he gives. By that I mean she’s noticed that he’s loving and attentive towards you and she doesn’t get that in her own relationship. She’s someone who likes PDAs because they are public proof of her desirability.
I’ve experienced this on several occasions from different women - my DH is uxorious and it’s catnip to the lonely and frustrated. It is very wearying I agree.

He is trying to distance himself but if he sees that I don't appear to have a problem, he might re evaluate his position on the appropriateness of her behaviour. Iyswim.

It's the telling her straight I think he'd find hard and I'm not sure I'd expect him to. He's not confrontational at all. If he continued to ignore and rebuff, I'd hope she got the message. But I do want to say something to him.

Her husband is laid back to the point of his feet being in the air. He doesn't appear the slightest bit bothered who she is talking to or how she is behaving.

I can’t be arsed with ‘flirty’ people who seek attention.

@JosephineDeBeauharnais

She’s jealous, but not because she wants him as such, she wants what he gives. By that I mean she’s noticed that he’s loving and attentive towards you and she doesn’t get that in her own relationship. She’s someone who likes PDAs because they are public proof of her desirability. I’ve experienced this on several occasions from different women - my DH is uxorious and it’s catnip to the lonely and frustrated. It is very wearying I agree.

Yes, that makes a lot of sense.

And uxorious. What a wonderful word ❤

I would’ve avoided her from ‘ she is quite a bubbly, flirty person and flirts quite outrageously’

‘. Nothing is meant by it. It's harmless and no one really cares and it's often quite entertaining’

Strongly disagree, it’s annoying at best!

Her husband loves her but I don't think I've ever seen him give her the sort of attention my bf gives me. Or any at all really. He calls her his beautiful wife bit I've not seen physical affection between them. Maybe he did and that s just 20 years of marriage for you! But there are other married couples in the group who are still very affectionate after much longer unions.

@Loopytiles

I would’ve avoided her from ‘ she is quite a bubbly, flirty person and flirts quite outrageously’

‘. Nothing is meant by it. It's harmless and no one really cares and it's often quite entertaining’

Strongly disagree, it’s annoying at best!

It wasn't annoying though because there was always a line that wasn't crossed. I feel she's crossing that line now.

OP, you really should mention this to him now that she has escalated. You‘ll kick yourself if he relaxes his boundaries with her because he thinks you’re not bothered.

Yeah, I know. That's what I'm thinking 😕

I think you should mention it to your boyfriend in a lighthearted way. I reckon this is probably really awkward for him also (although you can’t fault the way he is dealing with it) and I bet he will be relieved once you have both acknowledged it. Then perhaps you can both agree on a way to put a stop to it. I think the next time she behaves in this way when you are both present your boyfriend needs to make some kind of lighthearted comment to her. This sends a clear message to her that you have both noticed and demonstrates that he is not interested in her.

That would be ideal! But what lighthearted comment... I'm rubbish at this sort of thing.

God I don’t know! How about something like “wow A, you’re really spoiling me with all this attention! Shiny new car, get over here and see how it’s done!”

Maybe not quite as clumsily or cringy as that but you get my drift? This way he is showing her he has noticed her behaviour and he is bringing you in to show to her that the two of you are a united front. And you’re both pretty much telling her to back off in the nicest and most respectful way? 🤷‍♀️ Not that she deserves it mind.

You could tell him if it goes tits up between you two, she could step in as she seems to be marking her territory while you're actually together.

OP,

Lots of good advice above.

She sounds insecure and tedious.

I would find a woman over the age of 18 behaving like that embarrassing and would avert my eyes, total cringe for her.

I think it is quite possible to not be jealous, but not wish to be triangulated in company by her behaviour in such a public way.

I would get the Ick for it, and for him, because he is going along with it, even if he doesn't wish to.

I find that behaviour crass and my reaction would be Ick, you can have him, even if he doesn't want her to have him.

I'm probably not articulating that well but I simply wouldn't want to be with someone who wouldn't want to be loyal in public.

If he cares about you he shouldn't want to tolerate some woman throwing herself at him in such a manner.

Would many men tolerate it?
I think not.

I would simply walk away.

This is why I think @Rollergirl11 is correct, you need to mention it.

It is possible to do so in a calm manner which conveys that your self respect really wouldn't allow this tedious public triangulation of her insecurity.

You sound lovely, I can well imagine he doesn't wish to fxxk things up.

I was going to say something last night but we were both just so tired. We're going out this evening with everyone so I'm going to say something this afternoon.

Since starting this thread, I've been reflecting on a number of conversations she and I have had, things she's confided in me about (which I obviously won't disclose to him) and I'm certain that this is not 'innocent'. I don't think for a second that she is 'after' him but the 'pick me girl' stuff is a thing.

I suppose I'm a aware that without the wider context, he could think I'm overthinking it. I'm just going to have to tell him that there is a bigger picture - eg he might see the behaviours but not have considered the motivation.

Maybe her main motivation is being competitive with you. I had a 'super flirty' friend who was like this, and in the end I distanced myself because it was a pain to be around.

Tbh it sounds like you and your dp are hanging around this group too much maybe? I wouldn't make a massive thing of it, just maybe say to him that her constant flirting with him is getting on your nerves and leave it at that. As for her I'd just ignore her, but also maybe just go out more you and your dp on your own a bit more?

It's a competition... With you. If you've noticed her behaviour, no doubt she has seen that you've noticed and it gives her a bit of a thrill. But you can only compete with someone who is playing the same game. Ignoring her is your best option. Don't watch her behaviour or comment on it at all. She'll soon get bored as there's no fun when there's no reaction from you.

The group isn't the problem though and some people have been friends fro 40+ years so it would be a shame to miss that. We see spend the entire weekends together and occasionally or other night in the week so we see each other plenty. A night out with the group at the weekend is rare.

Yes, I agree she's competing with me for his attention and I think that's the simplest way of putting it to him.

The problem is that the first night it happened, I completely ignored order it but she utterly monopolised him. I don't think he'd realised it was happening at the time amd she and her husband hadn't been out for a few weeks so I just put it down to th having stuff to catch up on but I did think her constant focus on him was a bit OTT even then.

It was after that night that I noticed him backing off a bit. Like I say, it's only been 3 or 4 occasions but it's definitely an increasing pattern now.

I agree in that I don’t think OP should be the one to comment or make any response to this woman. However I definitely think the boyfriend needs to address it and preferably with OP present. That way the friend can’t think that he’s been told to speak to her by OP, which would probably be how she would spin it to herself if he talks to her privately.

In a nutshell OP, I think your man needs to make it crystal clear to this woman that her attention is not appropriate and completely shut it down. I wouldn’t settle fir anything less tbh.

I think your partner is aware and is handling it best he can. He clearly isnt interested in her at all.

And she is a special breed of insecure, she probably doesnt view herself as insecure but she clearly craves public validation and she isn't getting it from her husband.

Maybe you and your partner can have some fun tonight. Make up a new word and a silly backstory about how it came about....see how many times she uses the word in one night.