Any suggestions - friend being a bit OTT around my boyfriend...

[MyShinyNewCar]

OK. Will try and keep this brief...

Started seeing someone in one of my friendship groups about 4 months ago.

I'm mid 40s, he is late 50s.

We've been friends for around 4 years. In this group, I have made a fairly close friend, will call her A. A is early 50s and has been married for over 20 years.

Since we became close friends, she has told me that, when I first joined the group, she felt a bit threatened by me. I don't know if this is relevant.

Anyway, she is quite a bubbly, flirty person and flirts quite outrageously. Nothing is meant by it. It's harmless and no one really cares and it's often quite entertaining.

My boyfriend is quite a tactile, flirty person (but doesn't actually 'flirt'). Again, I don't have a problem.

A was really happy for us when we got together. We are blissfully happy. We both feel really happy, contented and at peace with each other. Its the best relationship I've ever had and the only one I've ever seen as having long term potential.

As a group, we get together about once a week or so for a couple of hours one evening and socialise. It's really nice. I've noticed that he's dialled back the flirtiness with her. He's friendly and still talks to/laughs with her and hugs her hello and goodbye - as we all do - but he's definitely and clearly put some distance in place. I've noticed but it's not something I've ever said anything about. But he has told me that I'm really important to him and he doesn't want anything to "fuck this up" so I'm assuming it's related.

Anyway, she has also clearly noticed and seems to have upped the ante somewhat...

For example, this week, when we met, I was talking to A and another woman at the end of the evening. He hugged the other woman but he just said goodbye to A and walked off to say bye to others. She said, "I'm not letting him get away with that!" And walked up behind him, put her arms around his waist and hugged him from behind. She and I are a similar height and build and he was wearing a coat so he clearly assumed (from his reaction) that it was me. When he turned round and saw it wasn't, he laughed and said," Oh it's you," had a quick chat with her, hugged her and she came back happy.

I noticed during the evening that she was smiling at, and trying to catch my boyfriend's attention, all evening. He ignored most of it and responded appropriately when he did.

It's only happened on about 3 or 4 occasions.

I don't know if I was overthinking it but it felt like she was watching me to gauge my reaction and every time he and I chatted or flirted, she was also straight in there.

I have no doubt that she has no genuine interest in him whatsoever. It feels more like she is just trying to prove to herself that she's still 'got it'. I don't know. It's nothing tangible enough that he would notice the increase and nothing inappropriate enough that he would put her straight but I feel like she now views me as some sort of competition and so I feel like I'm in a weird contest I didn't sign up for.

I've experienced this previously and it was tiresome, stressful ultimately the man and I fell out over it. I feel my boyfriend is doing the things I'd expect from him bit it feels that she's just 'pushing it'.

I don't want to cause upset in the group.

Any suggestions on how this should be handled?

Well we're leaving shortly to go to his before going out tonight.

I'm thinking of saying to him in the car something along the lines of I'm not sure whether he's noticed but I've noticed a change in her behaviour over the past month or so. And that I just want him to be mindful of the fact that I thinks she's competing with me for his attention. I'll tell him that when we first met, she has admitted that she wouldn't speak to me because she was 'jealous' (her word) and felt a bit intimidated (again, her word). She said that, until I joined, she was the pretty, cute, cool one. But that she felt that position was threatened by me. Once she got to know me, she liked me but has said she still feels like that on occasion.

I think she is genuinely pleased we are together but I also think that she is a bit jealous of the attention he gives me. And I agree woth a previous poster who said ots challenging for her.

Depending on his response (because maybe he hasn't noticed the extra and is just backing away because he feels its appropriate), I'll refer to her hugging him from behind clearly hoping he'd think it was me - which he did, which would then associate his response/reaction to 'me' with her, and the in joke thing.

I'm just going to ask him to be 'mindful' and aware of it. It's a big night for him (given the reason we're all going out) and I don't want to put a downer on what should be a great night for him.

I don't think he needs to say anything directly, not yet anyway, just be aware of it and consider in in his interactions with her.

He isn't interested in her but he does like her. He wouldn't do anything he considered to be unkind but he will maintain boundaries.

I know that before even speaking to him about it.

I agree with those who say you just carry on and act as if it does not bother you.

It sounds like she likes attention and being at the centre of things, or at least goes a bit OTT when she thinks she might not be at the centre of things or getting enough attention, in which case compliments and positive references to her might feed that ego and cause her to quieten down.

And in the end, there'll be some other new toy/distraction that she'll focus on instead.

I'd do it in public, she's a nuisance.
If it were a man doing this, the behaviour would be called out. If no verbal solution was agreed it'd be taken to the cobbles.

@1Ta1T

I agree with those who say you just carry on and act as if it does not bother you.

It sounds like she likes attention and being at the centre of things, or at least goes a bit OTT when she thinks she might not be at the centre of things or getting enough attention, in which case compliments and positive references to her might feed that ego and cause her to quieten down.

And in the end, there'll be some other new toy/distraction that she'll focus on instead.

I see what you're saying but that's not really how she works. She'll carry on. A new bloke has joined the group in the last couple of months and she barely speaks to him so there seem to be specific targets.

I don't think it would feed her ego and stop it. It hasn't until now.

I will continue to act as though it doesn't bother me but I want him to know that it does iyswim.

I'd rather just get back to an even keel the way it was before tbh.

It's almost as though, because we were both in the group when we got together and are the only group members who have - everyone else is long time married, that she feels they are all part of it somehow.

I've dated another man previously and she was only friendly and polite to him.

I guess it must feel like I've taken her friend away and she's desperately clutching on to him. Except that isn't what's happened at all.

To be fair OP, it doesn't sound as though this woman's behaviour is out of place in this group. You mention flirting a great deal amongst the various people so she is acting within the group norm and as she always did. Its your BF who for some reason has decided to change his behaviour towards her. If I were her I'd wonder what was going on, as the example of deliberately not hugging her when he did another woman must have seemed weird. Its easy to fall into the trap of deciding all women have an agenda, but she's a married woman, he's a bloke pushing 60 who she's presumably kept her hands off so far, so im not sure why he'd feel the need for performance faithfulness all of a sudden. Unless there's a history you don't know, I'd be inclined to think she's wondering what on earth she's done to suddenly get the cold shoulder from him and is trying to get back to the way things were.

How did it go last night - I wonder if the flirting stepped up further?

It was interesting. We spoke about it. I said I wasn't asking him to do anything other than be mindful of it happening. He agreed with me.

She almost completely ignored him. Didn't even say hello when she arrived. But was perfectly fine with both of us when we said hello and spent time chatting normally.

But it was a night out in a club so it'll be interesting to see what happens next time we're on our weekly low key night out.

Sounds like your bf has/had a thing for her and is now distancing himself from her.
In all honesty you are all a bit too old for this 'teenage' drama...

maybe just talk to your friend and ask her to dial it down a bit. After all you were friends first right?

That’s a bit weird isn’t it? Maybe someone has already had a word with her. 🕵️‍♂️

As an aside I am completely intrigued about your social life! Clubbing in your 40’s and 50’s?? Impressive!

@Marvellousmadness

Sounds like your bf has/had a thing for her and is now distancing himself from her. In all honesty you are all a bit too old for this 'teenage' drama...

maybe just talk to your friend and ask her to dial it down a bit. After all you were friends first right?

No. He doesn't have a thing for her. She's attractive woman so maybe he did in the past 🤷🏻‍♀️ that's OK though. It happens! I'm sire I've had things for people in the past too

It's the change in her behaviour that was odd nothing else.

I met them at the same time so although she and I were closer friends than he and I, we haven't been friends for longer.

@Rollergirl11 me too, all this talk of new people joining circles and weekly fun socialising and flirting. It's another world.

@PuppyMonkey hah hah, I’m having visions along the lines of a JG Ballard’s novel! 😂