Any suggestions - friend being a bit OTT around my boyfriend...

[MyShinyNewCar]

OK. Will try and keep this brief...

Started seeing someone in one of my friendship groups about 4 months ago.

I'm mid 40s, he is late 50s.

We've been friends for around 4 years. In this group, I have made a fairly close friend, will call her A. A is early 50s and has been married for over 20 years.

Since we became close friends, she has told me that, when I first joined the group, she felt a bit threatened by me. I don't know if this is relevant.

Anyway, she is quite a bubbly, flirty person and flirts quite outrageously. Nothing is meant by it. It's harmless and no one really cares and it's often quite entertaining.

My boyfriend is quite a tactile, flirty person (but doesn't actually 'flirt'). Again, I don't have a problem.

A was really happy for us when we got together. We are blissfully happy. We both feel really happy, contented and at peace with each other. Its the best relationship I've ever had and the only one I've ever seen as having long term potential.

As a group, we get together about once a week or so for a couple of hours one evening and socialise. It's really nice. I've noticed that he's dialled back the flirtiness with her. He's friendly and still talks to/laughs with her and hugs her hello and goodbye - as we all do - but he's definitely and clearly put some distance in place. I've noticed but it's not something I've ever said anything about. But he has told me that I'm really important to him and he doesn't want anything to "fuck this up" so I'm assuming it's related.

Anyway, she has also clearly noticed and seems to have upped the ante somewhat...

For example, this week, when we met, I was talking to A and another woman at the end of the evening. He hugged the other woman but he just said goodbye to A and walked off to say bye to others. She said, "I'm not letting him get away with that!" And walked up behind him, put her arms around his waist and hugged him from behind. She and I are a similar height and build and he was wearing a coat so he clearly assumed (from his reaction) that it was me. When he turned round and saw it wasn't, he laughed and said," Oh it's you," had a quick chat with her, hugged her and she came back happy.

I noticed during the evening that she was smiling at, and trying to catch my boyfriend's attention, all evening. He ignored most of it and responded appropriately when he did.

It's only happened on about 3 or 4 occasions.

I don't know if I was overthinking it but it felt like she was watching me to gauge my reaction and every time he and I chatted or flirted, she was also straight in there.

I have no doubt that she has no genuine interest in him whatsoever. It feels more like she is just trying to prove to herself that she's still 'got it'. I don't know. It's nothing tangible enough that he would notice the increase and nothing inappropriate enough that he would put her straight but I feel like she now views me as some sort of competition and so I feel like I'm in a weird contest I didn't sign up for.

I've experienced this previously and it was tiresome, stressful ultimately the man and I fell out over it. I feel my boyfriend is doing the things I'd expect from him bit it feels that she's just 'pushing it'.

I don't want to cause upset in the group.

Any suggestions on how this should be handled?

She has the green eye. Ignore her

He sounds great to me. I'd just quietly note how things go with her for now.

@user1481840227

I'm quite clear that I'm not jealous. Jealousy isn't what I feel. Just "here we go again" weariness and a feeling she's going a bit OTT for his attention.

If I had a partner I wouldn't want a friend of mine going up behind him and giving him a bear hug from behind, that's just odd and disrespectful.

Likewise I wouldn't do it to his friends, because it's weird A.F
Most people know how to behave around other peoples partners!

If I saw people in their 40s and 50s acting like that I'd think they were swingers

def not swingers!

I agree it was 'weird AF'. I think it was disrespectful of her but it didn't make me jealous because its his behaviour rhat counts. But its definitely making see her in a different light. Let's put it that way.

They haven’t had an affair in the past have they?

This was the thought I was left with after reading the OP too. Or not even an affair but a one off. He seems as keen to distance from her as she is to pursue him, perhaps to make him feel uncomfortable by reminding him of it with her flirtatious behaviour.

Not that it really matters to your relationship if they did have a thing. She’ll probably get bored and move on to someone else soon enough.

[quote PerditaPerdita]@user1481840227
😂😂 yes she does sound like a swinger!!! 🤣🤣

OP: I'd be saying to him omg what's wrong with her, but that's just me. Maybe your relationship isn't in the right place yet for that kind of openness. I'd literally be having the kind of discussion you're having on here. And he'd smile and say yes she's a horrid slapper and don't worry, I'm keeping her at arm's length.

Then we'd have a pact that at any occasions together, he'd sit away from her, close down any engagement and really give her the message (at least for now, so she gets cold water in her face and stops it).

We would act in tandem.

Yes it is disrespectful and bad behaviour on her part. I think she has to be clearly put in her place with this.

[/quote]
he wouldn't say she's a horrid slapper. She's always come across as lovely to me and confident. I always saw this flirty side of her as just her being comfortable with who she is but now I'm wondering if she is just someone who needs male validatation. Her main flirting focus in the group is another guy but he seems to.have been forgotten in favour of bf. She barely looked at him this week!

I have male friends and a couple I'd hug from behind if they were single but not if they had a girlfriend. My internal compass would stop me from doing it. It's just inappropriate. I'd feel uncomfortable doing it. The fact she's never done it before is what is ringing the alarm bells and the fact sheave such a big deal.of 'not letting him get away with that'. Like she'd felt it as a rejection. Her husband is present for all of this and doesn't seem to have an issue with any of it.

It's just odd. He has two adult children. I've only met them once recently. She's met them a couple of times at different events over the years. Again, it was interesting that she told me how lovely his daughter is, how easily they can talk to each other etc I felt at the time she was doing this to try and make me feel jealous that she was more 'in' with his family than me. Except that just after I'd met her, he'd told me that his daughter finds A "too much" and a bit "overbearing".

I'll mention it to him this evening.

@WTF475878237NC

He sounds great to me. I'd just quietly note how things go with her for now.

He is

@ChuckBerrysBoots

They haven’t had an affair in the past have they?

This was the thought I was left with after reading the OP too. Or not even an affair but a one off. He seems as keen to distance from her as she is to pursue him, perhaps to make him feel uncomfortable by reminding him of it with her flirtatious behaviour.

Not that it really matters to your relationship if they did have a thing. She’ll probably get bored and move on to someone else soon enough.

No, definitely not. But I think she probably liked to think that, out of all the women, she was the one he'd got his eye on. And maybe that would explain why she felt threatened by me when I first joined the group. Until then, she felt that she was the cool, attractive one and then I took over that mantle (in her eyes).

Which all seems a but daft when she's happily married and at our ages!

• the cool, attractive one that all the men secretly fancied more importantly.

Has she been part of the group longer than you? If so, I'd say it's a control/power thing, if it's not that, it's attention seeking behaviour.

She may see him as attractive now he's taken, whatever it is, it's tedious and tiresome, but it doesn't sound like your chap is playing her game.

This is all about her OP.

Just to add, I'd be pissed off with someone flirting with my fella regardless how long they'd known him!

She's known him for probably 1 year or so longer. So not a life long friendship. And I don't think she sees him as particularly attractive even. But he is very attentive to me and is obviously quite 'adoring' - he's not emotionally unavailable let's put it that way! Maybe that is attractive 🤷🏻‍♀️

Tbh, I think it's a bit of both - a bit of power play and attention seeking.

She's quite flirty with strangers when she and I go out in a way I wouldn't be - for lots of reasons. I don't care if random men find me attractive. It's annoying to have your evening interrupted by a bloke who thinks it's fine to insert himself into your conversation! Whereas she quite likes it.

My sister is like this. I think it’s about knowing she could have him if she wanted him, which is disgusting but I wonder if A is like that. And she really doesn’t sound lovely at all.

The thing is, she is attractive. And fun, approachable, kind and supportive... it's just her behaviour around this that is a bit

I think I just feel I'm seeing a side to her I'd not really been aware of before.

Their friendship continuing to look like it had previously - fine; upping the ante in this way - weird AF... but I think she was doing it because it didn't look quite the way it had before because he'd stopped it out of respect for me.

If I were in her shoes, and I have been, I'd realise it meant nothing re the friendship but that the boundaries had changed now he was in a relationship and she seems to be trying to stamp all over his.

Definitely power/attention. She isn't interested per se, however, the fact he is more interested in you is rather challenging for her.

Like a PP has said, she isn't 'lovely' otherwise she'd be totally aware of the boundaries now he is in a relationship. There are naturally flirtatious people, you can tell they are just being outrageous, rather than romantic, and they'd move their attentions to more appropriate prey, she doesn't sound like this kind of flirt. Tis a shame, as you like her as a friend. Hopefully her behaviour will fizzle out, and your friendship can be on a more even keel.

As a side, I doubt her husband fulfils her, I can't imagine anyones partner would be comfortable with that behaviour.

She isn't interested per se, however, the fact he is more interested in you is rather challenging for her.

Yes, I think it's this more than anything else.

There are naturally flirtatious people, you can tell they are just being outrageous, rather than romantic, and they'd move their attentions to more appropriate prey, she doesn't sound like this kind of flirt

I think that's why I feel I'm seeing a different side to her. I wouldn't have had an issue with it continuing the way it was. But it's the upping the ante where I feel she's putting me in direct competition with her for his attention.

As a side, I doubt her husband fulfils her, I can't imagine anyones partner would be comfortable with that behaviour

Now this one, I wouldn't even speculate on. He loves her, they are a great partnership and they trust each other. But I think she takes that to mean you can do what you like short of an affair and the other person shouldn't mind.

Another thing I've remembered that's just me a bit.

He and I developed a bit of an 'in joke' last weekend. We privately and briefly referred to it once between ourselves when we were all out together this week - it's just a dance move. She looked puzzled and asked what it was about so I explained it and then she made reference to it constantly (did it) throughout the night.

I also thought that was odd. In jokes are only funny to the people they are between and we discreetly referred to it once. For her to insert herself into it and then repeatedly do it was just odd.

I don't know if me finding that odd was odd in itself or if it was odd

Now this one, I wouldn't even speculate on. He loves her, they are a great partnership and they trust each other. But I think she takes that to mean you can do what you like short of an affair and the other person shouldn't mind

We make assumptions on what we see, I'm sure he loves and trusts her, and like you say, she perceives that as 'anything goes'. I find relationships like that tend to fall short in some areas, hence the desire for attention. However, each to their own, and you clearly are not comfortable. I would just keep an eye without saying/doing anything for now.

No YOU are not odd THAT is odd! She is definitely feeling that she's lost her 'position' that's how I'd perceive it..

Very juvenile attention seeking behaviour, I think I feel a little sorry for her in some respects.

I think getting other peoples perspectives is helpful when they are constructive. I'm a little bit of a amateur psychologist on the side, I study human behaviour (probably because I am a bit weird myself) and this is not appropriate behaviour according to Lothermand et al

OP it sounds like you've got the measure of her and you're being quite astute in sensing where it comes from (ie she needs male validation and to feel attractive rather than making a play for your bf, per se). And it's so annoying when someone whose company who legitimately enjoy starts acting in ways that make you rethink that. Important to remember that the awkwardness is all her - not you or your bf. She's the one behaving weirdly and making it awkward.

I'd talk about it with your bf. Not in a big deal way, just - gosh, have you noticed X being a bit OTT lately around you? It sounds like he has and it might be a bit uncomfortable for him. If one of DP's friends had started obviously flirting with me when our relationship was quite new, I'd be quite uncertain about how to navigate it (though your bf seems to be navigating it impeccably). If he doesn't know her well he might not have the insight into her character/usual flirtiness that you do.

But it'll do you both good to name what's happening and you can probably have a laugh about her weirdness together, which might dilute the awkwardness. And you can develop strategies on how to deal with her, if you need them. Knowing your partner also knows what's up and is on the same page as you just makes things easier.

I might distance myself from her a bit but as you think it's more about her insecurities than anything malicious/personal, would probably just draw back subtly rather than ending the friendship. I suspect that if another new man enters your social circle she'll get distracted by another shiny new thing and turn her attentions there.

My mother was like this when younger and married — it was like she needed every man to find her irresistible regardless of whether she fancied them or not, consequently she ended up with few women friends!!

Why don't you just bow out for a few weeks. Make some excuses and tell her you want to spend time together.

Sounds like she sees herself as the queen bee. You and your partner's relationship excludes her (in her head) so she's pushing in.
I might be tempted if she tried the bear hug trick again to call out " A, put him down, you've got your own one over there" and laugh.
Maybe ask your man if he's ok with the way she's behaving, and is there anything you can do to help. If he says he can deal with it, fine, let him deal with it.

I guess you just need to know she is insecure and that at some point she will either get over it or change it in some way.
Your bf sounds like he has plenty of integrity around it.
It’s not a genuine threat, more like an annoying mosquito, so I’d just carry on as you are.

@Crikeyalmighty

My mother was like this when younger and married — it was like she needed every man to find her irresistible regardless of whether she fancied them or not, consequently she ended up with few women friends!!

I think it's partly this. She has said that a lot of female friends have previously dropped her and doesn't know why. When she said this, I wondered of this was the reason!

I'm not going to bow out for a while. My boyfriend wants me there. And it wouldn't be fair to expect him to miss out on an evening he really enjoys.

pickingdaisies

I think she'd interpret that as me being jealous. I think any comment would be better coming from him.

If he doesn't know her well he might not have the insight into her character/usual flirtiness that you do.

I think that's partly it. He has known her for longer than I've known either of them but he doesn't know her as well as I do. He knows we're friends. I think he'd be quite surprised if I said something to him about it...

I might be tempted if she tried the bear hug trick again to call out " A, put him down, you've got your own one over there" and laugh.

I think she'd interpret that as me feeling insecure or jealous. I think any comment would need to come from him.

Sounds like she sees herself as the queen bee. You and your partner's relationship excludes her (in her head) so she's pushing in.

She's not a typical Queen Bee if so but I see what you mean. Definitely pushing in. Like our relationship also includes her by some odd default.

It’s not a genuine threat, more like an annoying mosquito

I agree. I don't feel there's a genuine threat at all but I'm.just very aware of where I'm looking, where I'm standing, what she's doing... and I don't want to be. I like that we're all friends, all close, quite huggy etc but it's the change that is irking me somewhat.

She sounds like a (grown up) "Pick Me Girl"

I was reading your post and sort of cringing at her behaviour then I saw the post about the in joke and omg...how gut twistingly excruciatingly embarrassing for her....who does that?

She sounds deeply, deeply insecure, luckily you seem to have found a perfect gentleman who will never make you worry, seems your partner has his head screwed on and knows whats she is about.

I think you are right, any comments from you will be a victory in her eyes, just ignore and let any comments come from him, preferably loudly, in front of her husband