Fiancé just told me he only proposed to shut me up.

[olaplexy]

Name changed for this because I’m so embarrassed and I don’t want it linked to other threads where I’ve talked about how happy we are.

Fiancé and I got engaged last summer after being together for 7 years. Booked a wedding venue in autumn for autumn 2022. We had different ideas about the wedding, he wanted something bigger and I wanted something smaller and we compromised at something imbetween. I’ve gone through stages of being excited to plan and looking forward to the day and stages of wishing we could just elope and be married, as that is what I am most excited for - being married. I’ve expressed this to him and he has told me he finds it wearing. But I’ve been the one who has done 80% of the planning, form filling, finding vendors. In fact the only job he had was to book the registrar and he hasn’t done that yet.

Anyway, we’ve had a tough few weeks with some stuff going on in his family that’s made us both worried about how it will impact our day. I was just feeling sad about how I can’t get excited about the day at the moment and he asked me what we could to do make it better. I said we couldn’t do much within the parameters of what we already had booked/who we had invited etc. I then said he didn’t seem very excited about the wedding either, and he agreed. I asked him what he would change if we didn’t have any deposits etc paid and he said he would cancel what we had booked, and just have a long engagement and not think about a wedding until we both had a special day planned.

I then said I’d do the opposite - if just get married in a registry office asap and start married life. He told me he didn’t want to waste our one wedding day on a shit wedding and why would I want to do that. The argument suddenly escalated, with him
saying nasty things about my parents wedding and me asking why he wanted to cancel the wedding.

He suddenly started being really cold and nasty, and told me he only proposed to shut me up because I kept nagging him, he’s sick of trying to make me happy and I have an empty, bottomless void inside me that means I’ll always be miserable. He was so unpleasant.

We then carried on talking and he said he’d only said that to be mean, and he thought I was trying to railroad him into getting married without his family (which I wasn’t - I’ve been the only one to make compromises on that because my ideal
wedding has 0 guests!) and I’d gone into the conversation with an agenda.

I’m sat upstairs now not knowing how to proceed from here. He made me feel like I was in the wrong? But I don’t know why you would ever say to the person you’re engaged to you didn’t want to propose unless you actually mean it? I don’t know what to do.

Please don't stay with this man because you are too afraid to start again. That is not a good reason to stay in a relationship. He has shown you how awful he is.

@olaplexy

I know if I ask him if he wants to call everything off he’ll act like I’m being over dramatic. Maybe I am? I don’t know what to do.

Don't ask him if he wants to call everything off. Ask your self. Do what your gut is telling you. You have choices now, but if you marry him you will no longer have choices. This is him on his best behaviour , things will only get worse if you marry him.

Imagine you end up marrying him, he will forever bring up 'you knew I didn't want to get married. I told you' whenever you argue or he wants to be mean because he's in a bad mood.

If he was just saying it to be mean - they wow. Why would you want to be with someone who sets out to hurt you by choice?

If he meant it - then clearly you don't want to marry someone who doesn't want to marry you.

Whichever way, you are having doubts, and understandably so. He is clearly having doubts. And even if he isn't, he's shown himself to be mean and thoughtless.

So at the very least, I would cancel the wedding plans. You can't get married unless you are 100% certain. This is the fun part - the engagement and planning the day. I appreciate it can be stressful if you disagree on all the planning or if one of you is doing all the planning (although they are also warning signs that you aren't compatible). But it should be one of the the more romantic times of a relationship.

Take the pressure off both of you and see how you really feel.

To be honest, I would suggest splitting up (unless he is usually lovely, supportive, respectful, deeply commited etc etc) based on your posts.

Don't stay with someone out of habit, or due to fear of the unknown. An unhappy marriage / divorce is FAR more scary than splitting up with your fiance.

Lucky he broke cover and showed himself before you married him.

Don't.

Run for the hills

This is him on his best behaviour , things will only get worse if you marry him.

That is so true. People don't suddenly become more loving, respectful, caring after marriage. What you're seeing now is his absolute baseline, if you marry him you're stuck with this forever at best, but more likely it will get worse over time.

Normal, nice, men do not behave like this. He is not a nice, kind man. RUN.

This man is nasty, a bully, (ordering you out of the bedroom) and he has you think king normal human thoughts and responses are ‘dramatic’. Believe him. Ditch him and enjoy your life.

I meant-believe his vile words, believe the type of person he is, be glad you can discard him and be free.

It was a big deal. At no point even in deepest arguments would either me or DH say that we only got engaged to shut the other one up. Coming into the room and telling you your feelings aren’t valid and you have to be the one to sleep in the spare room is telling you he doesn’t want to marry you.
He knows exactly that you want a quiet wedding and him holding out for the big wedding and long engagement is just to string you along until he leaves.

It sounds like he is a coward who is trying to get you to back out of the wedding so he won’t get the blame for it.

It's this ^^ exactly. He does not want to marry you. And as awful and hurtful as that must feel, I promise it isn't a patch on how awful and hurtful you'd feel years (and, god forbid, kids) down the line and having to break up a marriage.

Get out now while you can. It will be far less messier and painful in the long run. Please don't factor in how long you've been with him, how closely your lives are currently entwined etc - google the sunken costs fallacy to see how this is just the worst thing you could do.

He is SHOWING you that he does not want to be married to you. You need to accept this and call it off

1: Says vile things to you
2: States he did this to be mean
3: Refuses to apologise
4: Doesn't think you deserve to feel how you feel (the pathetic and sleep in spare room comments).
This man holds you in contempt. Please don't let him gaslight you into thinking this is okay because it is not.

I’m oscillating between wondering if it wasn’t that big a deal? He clearly doesn’t think it was if he just came in like we’d had a silly row..? Like, am I over-reacting? Am I just escalating this?

But this is what abusive men do when they hit you, too. They then act normal and gaslight you and make you think that you're the crazy one. They don't take responsibility for their actions.

I wonder if feeling lonely when you're with someone because they don't understand you/relate to you/share your feelings is worse than feeling lonely because you're on your own?
What do you think OP?
There are better matches for you out there and you might meet one. But you definitely won't if you continue on with him.

Have you been doing all the planning and organising for the big wedding he wants and you don't?

Also, OP, imagine you had children and he spoke to you like that in front of them? Or treated them like it? Not on.

Do what my friend did. Cancel the wedding and use the money on a lovely holiday.

@housemaus

Regardless of the context...

Do you want to marry someone who deliberately says things designed to destabilise how secure you feel in your relationship plans and make you feel unwanted when he wants to win an argument?

Do you want to marry someone who insults your family to win an argument?

Do you want to marry someone who suggests you're broken and emotionally exhausting in order to win an argument?

Do you want to marry someone who then freely, easily admits they do things like this to 'be mean' as though that's a normal, rational response?

Do you want to marry someone who makes assumptions ("thought I was trying to railroad him") about your intention and takes the nuclear option in response instead of trying to talk about his feelings with you?

Do you want to marry someone, who, when you've made a compromise on your wishes (to have a small wedding) in favour of his (a big, much harder to organise, wedding), makes you do all the work and then drags his heels on doing even a tiny administrative task?

This could have been about any number of things. It's his defensive, cruel, wildly escalating response to feeling attacked that's the problem here - not the wedding itself.

Please keep reading this, again, and again...

haven't read the whole thread but in my experience 7 years really is a "thing" in relationships. It used to be called the 7 year ich or something but i have witnessed multiple times in my life various couples breaking up at 7 year mark of their relationship or a multiple of 7 years (eg 14 years or 21 years etc)

Wow.

The mask has finally slipped. You'd have to be crazy to marry this man.

I am so sorry this has happened to you.

What he said is extremely hurtful. I know you likely still go through with this but it is better to at least take some time out and think about what YOU want and deserve.

This type of man will make your life miserable. He will blame you as the years go by for everything he feels is wrong in his life. You will be the reason he never was rich or famous. You will be the stone around his neck. All the while you’re love and care will be taken for granted.

This type of guy is also the type to have “the one who got away” syndrome. He will feel justified in whatever vile actions he subjects you to because he TOLD you how he felt. He will blame you because he will feel like he settled for you.

He is a coward and he feels he is the prize. But he is no prize. You are.

I urge you to get help with your self esteem and to tell trusted people what he said. I know it makes it more real but you should not be carrying this burden alone.

He is at fault for all of this and has brought it on himself. He is the type to never take accountability for his own actions because it’s easier to blame others for failure

Please don't marry him. You deserve so much more

do not marry this 'man' you are worth so much better he is just horrible

You poor thing!

I haven’t got anything else to add really, just to second what has already been said by PPs.

You need to stay strong and think of YOURSELF and what YOU want and WHO you want it with. 💐

All the best OP x

You clearly have very different ideas when it comes to weddings and marriage. What's the rest of your relationship like? How do you agree or disagree on other big things (money, life goals, children)?

Take some time to calm down and re evaluate. Venues can be cancelled, it's no biggie in the long run. This guy, at least, really doesn't fight fair. He hits below the belt. Whether he meant what he said or not, that was cruel and unloving. Red flag. Sorry.