Fiancé just told me he only proposed to shut me up.

[olaplexy]

Name changed for this because I’m so embarrassed and I don’t want it linked to other threads where I’ve talked about how happy we are.

Fiancé and I got engaged last summer after being together for 7 years. Booked a wedding venue in autumn for autumn 2022. We had different ideas about the wedding, he wanted something bigger and I wanted something smaller and we compromised at something imbetween. I’ve gone through stages of being excited to plan and looking forward to the day and stages of wishing we could just elope and be married, as that is what I am most excited for - being married. I’ve expressed this to him and he has told me he finds it wearing. But I’ve been the one who has done 80% of the planning, form filling, finding vendors. In fact the only job he had was to book the registrar and he hasn’t done that yet.

Anyway, we’ve had a tough few weeks with some stuff going on in his family that’s made us both worried about how it will impact our day. I was just feeling sad about how I can’t get excited about the day at the moment and he asked me what we could to do make it better. I said we couldn’t do much within the parameters of what we already had booked/who we had invited etc. I then said he didn’t seem very excited about the wedding either, and he agreed. I asked him what he would change if we didn’t have any deposits etc paid and he said he would cancel what we had booked, and just have a long engagement and not think about a wedding until we both had a special day planned.

I then said I’d do the opposite - if just get married in a registry office asap and start married life. He told me he didn’t want to waste our one wedding day on a shit wedding and why would I want to do that. The argument suddenly escalated, with him
saying nasty things about my parents wedding and me asking why he wanted to cancel the wedding.

He suddenly started being really cold and nasty, and told me he only proposed to shut me up because I kept nagging him, he’s sick of trying to make me happy and I have an empty, bottomless void inside me that means I’ll always be miserable. He was so unpleasant.

We then carried on talking and he said he’d only said that to be mean, and he thought I was trying to railroad him into getting married without his family (which I wasn’t - I’ve been the only one to make compromises on that because my ideal
wedding has 0 guests!) and I’d gone into the conversation with an agenda.

I’m sat upstairs now not knowing how to proceed from here. He made me feel like I was in the wrong? But I don’t know why you would ever say to the person you’re engaged to you didn’t want to propose unless you actually mean it? I don’t know what to do.

Accept his fuckery as the gift it is and get out before you make the mistake of having children with him.

I’m oscillating between wondering if it wasn’t that big a deal? He clearly doesn’t think it was if he just came in like we’d had a silly row..? Like, am I over-reacting? Am I just escalating this?

This is gaslighting. He is gaslighting you. The effect is to make you doubt yourself and not believe your own eyes and ears.

Yes, it was a big fucking deal. Would you ever have spoken to him like that, before today? If not, why not?*

*(Because you're a decent human being, that's why not, but you're not holding him to your own standards for some reason).

A number of years ago one of my friends was engaged and a few weeks before the wedding he told her he did not want to get married. My friend always wanted to get married, buy a house and have a family.
So she was very upset when he did this. The reality was that things had not been good between him and her for a while. My friend did say me a few months later that she would have cancelled the wedding as they were not getting on.

For someone to tell you after a 7 year relationship that he only asked you to get married as he was sick of your nagging. My feeling is he did this to keep you in his life. He then went on to see a few other horrible things to you and then blames you for what he said. He is showing you his true colours and I take note of what he said to you and how he has treated you since then. I think if you marry this man you going to end up in an unhappy marriage.
I know it not easy to end a long relationship but it easier than end up in an unhappy marriage with a man who has no respect for you. I have seen woman getting married despite their man having a number of red flags and within a few years they are in horrible situations.

My friend who's engagement ended went on to meet a new man. I noticed how well her treated her. He knew that she wanted marriage, a house and family. He go to see her when she lived 2 hours drive away due to her work. He supported her when she was doing further study. She ended up getting a job close to where he lived. They got engaged within 2 years and married about a year later. They had a few tough times during their marriage but they got though them.

@needanewplannow

I’m oscillating between wondering if it wasn’t that big a deal? He clearly doesn’t think it was if he just came in like we’d had a silly row..? Like, am I over-reacting? Am I just escalating this?

This is gaslighting. He is gaslighting you. The effect is to make you doubt yourself and not believe your own eyes and ears.

Yes, it was a big fucking deal. Would you ever have spoken to him like that, before today? If not, why not?*

*(Because you're a decent human being, that's why not, but you're not holding him to your own standards for some reason).

This ^

What he said to you was extremely cruel and now he wants to explain it by saying “he just did it to be mean”. That’s a massive red flag for me - it seems like maybe there has been a bit of friction around the wedding and sure when people are frustrated they say and do stupid things. But this is not how you treat someone you love and respect.

@OrlandointheWilderness

Sounds like he wants the wedding and you want the marriage.

My DF is a vicar. He has a theory that the more important (and expensive in many cases!) the wedding the less the chance of the couple staying together as for some people they can't see past the day to the rest of their lives.
I would think very, very carefully about marrying this man.

Orlando My SIL is a Registrar. She's of the same opinion as your DF.

You must know this isn't normal behaviour for someone in love. This level of conflict suggests he doesn't want the marriage. It's not that unusual for the engagement to trigger the end of a relationship because it creates a bit of a challenge for the relationship and suddenly you can see how you each handle a bit of pressure. But here, I think he wants to push you to call it off but isn't ready to face that yet so is going back and forth about the wedding day itself.

People always knee jerk on here. Wait for things to calm down then ask him what he wants to do about the wedding.
You dont have to accept what he says but it will give you an indication of how he really feels. Try not to get emotional.
In a perfect world he wouldn't have said such cruel things but he sounds like he's under pressure from his family's problems and blew up...he's not perfect but who is?

@olaplexy

He didn’t apologise once for being deliberately cruel, even after he admitted it. Even when I asked him to.

My DH has never once said anything cruel to me in 14 years of marriage. We drive each other crazy sometimes, and have arguments occasionally, but we would never speak to each other like that. I don't know if I'd be able to stay with someone who was deliberately cruel to me. How would you trust them? And trust is really important in a marriage. Marriage is not just the wedding day, it's the rest of your lives.

At the very least I would postpone the wedding, if not cancel. It doesn't sound like a very promising situation to be honest 💐

@olaplexy

He’s just come into the room with a stupid sorry face on, expecting us to just be normal again. I told him I wasn’t ready to talk, I didn’t want to be normal and I just wanted to go to bed. He told me I could sleep in the spare room if I was going to be pathetic and not make up. I’m not going to.

He sounds vile.

Thank your lucky stars that he revealed his true nature before any wedding took place.

@olaplexy

He’s just come into the room with a stupid sorry face on, expecting us to just be normal again. I told him I wasn’t ready to talk, I didn’t want to be normal and I just wanted to go to bed. He told me I could sleep in the spare room if I was going to be pathetic and not make up. I’m not going to.

Wow. Just wow.

This goes from bad to worse.
This man is showing you EXACTLY who he is. Believe him.

Understand that if and when you leave he will keep up the narrative you are "being pathetic" and overreacting. There will be no self reflection and no responsibility and as with the wedding (& I suspect several other areas of your life) you will need to be the one who adults and drives things/makes it happen.

I get that there are external pressures but you need to get really clear on the fact that none of that excuses his behaviour or makes it okay
In the year prior to marrying my DH and I ran a gammit of life events- 3 close family bereavements, 2 x job changes, house moves, emergency surgery, mh crisis with siblings, annnnd all the usual wedding BS on top. Neither of us ever behaved with this coldness or contempt.
@housemaus was spot on. Reread it.

I think while it's scary... you know if you stay you are choosing a life of unhappiness.

i have heard this statement many times over the years, as in a man saying he only got engaged to shut his girlfriend up.!

God, call it off and reconsider. I could never in my right mind marry someone who can't handle conflict and goes on the defensive so badly that they verbally attack and insult like that. He only proposed to shut you up and you're a needy bottomless pit??? Just WHO says that to their fiance? WTAF??? It's a HUGE sign of immaturity and a lack of emotional intelligence, and he may well be showing you how he really feels... and you must have emotional intelligence to get married.

I would urge you to look at the brilliant work of John Gottmann and give this relationship a great deal of thought. He turned nasty rather than communicating kindly. Not good husband material.

And there are plenty of people out there who get married because they're tired, not because they really love the other person, especially men. Just look at the divorce stats. Don't become one of them...

www.gottman.com/

www.acouplesplace.com/Gottmans_Four_Horsemen_are_Divorce_Predictors.html

Even if it went ahead would you feel happy? I think you'd always have doubts.

It would be over for me.
Why would you want to marry a dickhead anyway?

Tbh if this is him in the run up to your wedding then it's really not looking good for long term. He may regret what he said but the fact is he has made you feel like you are not good enough and now if you get married it will be slightly spoilt by those words. Whether you stay with him is upto you but I would definitely cancel the wedding regardless of money lost and take your relationship back a few stages while you decide how you feel. At least then if later down the line you start planning again it would be a fresh slate. I personally think you deserve to be with someone who can't wait to be married to you and accepts you as you are.

@1forAll74

i have heard this statement many times over the years, as in a man saying he only got engaged to shut his girlfriend up.!

That’s because it’s an uncomfortable truth in a lot of cases. An awful lot if men just want a relationship. They agree to marriage, and accept kids are apart of that , to maintain that relationship and because it’s expected of them. But if they are total honest about if , they never wanted any of it.

In this case the emotion and temper of an argument has revealed the essential truth. That he’s doing it to please her. The rest is him trying to back peddle and plaster over that.

But the reality is he feels pushed into it.

Don’t marry someone because you aren’t brave enough to start again.

Listen to what he’s saying now and don’t spend another 7 years with someone so cruel and heartless

Listen to others upthread. I know you say you don't want to start again, but IMO you either start again now while it's relatively easy (you have no kids and are still relatively young), or you marry him, have kids and then have to start again in X years time when it's all so much more complicated....

Stay with him if you want
But cancel the wedding
He'll resent you for it

Cancel all of it. And leave him. In no particular order.

@olaplexy
I know THREE men very well, and all three were nagged and harried to get married by their long term girlfriends {They were all living together}

Sadly, the men caved, to keep the women quiet, ''hoping'' that it would work out.

In each case, there has been an incredibly painful divorce.

RED FLAG.
If he admits now to offering to marry you to shut you up...DON"T get married.

He is telling you he doesn't want to marry.

Men really can get pressured to marry... the war of attrition , the constant hinting and asking by the woman, usually.
But they resent it, and it doesn't auger well for the marriage.

@IrishKatie1971

God, call it off and reconsider. I could never in my right mind marry someone who can't handle conflict and goes on the defensive so badly that they verbally attack and insult like that. He only proposed to shut you up and you're a needy bottomless pit??? Just WHO says that to their fiance? WTAF??? It's a HUGE sign of immaturity and a lack of emotional intelligence, and he may well be showing you how he really feels... and you must have emotional intelligence to get married.

I would urge you to look at the brilliant work of John Gottmann and give this relationship a great deal of thought. He turned nasty rather than communicating kindly. Not good husband material.

And there are plenty of people out there who get married because they're tired, not because they really love the other person, especially men. Just look at the divorce stats. Don't become one of them...

Very good points.

I'd agree with this, 100%.

Men get cornered into marriage, and hate it.

They then lash out or are unfaithful, and divorce ensues.

Marriage needs two people who are at least own the same page.

[quote olaplexy]@housemaus your post is so right. But I just can’t imagine leaving him. Our lives are completely entwined. I don’t think I’m brave enough to start again.[/quote]
PLEASE do not, do NOT marry this man.

He is cruel and believe me, once trapped by marriage, he will be far crueller.

''Entwined''... caught in razor wire, more like...Cut free of this man and start afresh with someone else.
He will cause you nothing but future pain if you are legally married.

Please heed the signs.