Fiancé just told me he only proposed to shut me up.

[olaplexy]

Name changed for this because I’m so embarrassed and I don’t want it linked to other threads where I’ve talked about how happy we are.

Fiancé and I got engaged last summer after being together for 7 years. Booked a wedding venue in autumn for autumn 2022. We had different ideas about the wedding, he wanted something bigger and I wanted something smaller and we compromised at something imbetween. I’ve gone through stages of being excited to plan and looking forward to the day and stages of wishing we could just elope and be married, as that is what I am most excited for - being married. I’ve expressed this to him and he has told me he finds it wearing. But I’ve been the one who has done 80% of the planning, form filling, finding vendors. In fact the only job he had was to book the registrar and he hasn’t done that yet.

Anyway, we’ve had a tough few weeks with some stuff going on in his family that’s made us both worried about how it will impact our day. I was just feeling sad about how I can’t get excited about the day at the moment and he asked me what we could to do make it better. I said we couldn’t do much within the parameters of what we already had booked/who we had invited etc. I then said he didn’t seem very excited about the wedding either, and he agreed. I asked him what he would change if we didn’t have any deposits etc paid and he said he would cancel what we had booked, and just have a long engagement and not think about a wedding until we both had a special day planned.

I then said I’d do the opposite - if just get married in a registry office asap and start married life. He told me he didn’t want to waste our one wedding day on a shit wedding and why would I want to do that. The argument suddenly escalated, with him
saying nasty things about my parents wedding and me asking why he wanted to cancel the wedding.

He suddenly started being really cold and nasty, and told me he only proposed to shut me up because I kept nagging him, he’s sick of trying to make me happy and I have an empty, bottomless void inside me that means I’ll always be miserable. He was so unpleasant.

We then carried on talking and he said he’d only said that to be mean, and he thought I was trying to railroad him into getting married without his family (which I wasn’t - I’ve been the only one to make compromises on that because my ideal
wedding has 0 guests!) and I’d gone into the conversation with an agenda.

I’m sat upstairs now not knowing how to proceed from here. He made me feel like I was in the wrong? But I don’t know why you would ever say to the person you’re engaged to you didn’t want to propose unless you actually mean it? I don’t know what to do.

If you marry him, you'll be separated in under a year

Don’t marry someone who says things like this to you

@mangoandraspberries

Listen to others upthread. I know you say you don't want to start again, but IMO you either start again now while it's relatively easy (you have no kids and are still relatively young), or you marry him, have kids and then have to start again in X years time when it's all so much more complicated....

This is so true.

Why not move on and meet a man who really loves you and can't wait to be married?! Don't settle for this begrudging creep. He'll drop you in a heartbeat if his head is turned..

That would be a dealbreaker for me…your future with him is not looking good.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP, it should obviously be a happy time for you both. I honestly wonder if he's shown his true colours? It's a really nasty thing to say. I would definitely be holding off at the moment otherwise I can see after your married this being thrown back at you time and time again in terms of "I only married you to keep you happy..." type thing. If you're unsure then end it - better that than go ahead and be unhappy and potentially brings kids into that.

Postpone the wedding, a lost deposit is far less than a regrettable marriage.

Oh are you the poster with A and B? A wanted to elope and B a big wedding. A 15person wedding was agreed, but then a sibling of the one who wanted to elope was unfaithful to their partner and A wanted to ditch the small wedding and elope.

If so this sounds like follow up emotional manipulation from A!

Okay, he may be a bad person or not but he has spoken his truth: he proposed because he felt pressure from you, it didn’t come from him.

I think the only way to backtrack from this is to relieve him from his commitment and start putting your ducks in a row because if you press ahead this will get much worse.

He needs to know you don’t need him before he can fully appreciate you. At the moment, given he feels forced to propose, he thinks you will put up with everything because on his eyes your top priority is “being married” regardless.

He sounds downright nasty. As a PP has said, the mask has slipped.

I think I'm your shoes OP I would be reconsidering whether I would want to get married to him at all.

I married a man like this. Said this kind of crap before we married and I downplayed with youthful confidence that it’s just a blip/not too bad/work stress etc it does not get better and I wish I’d left at the first signs of this crap, it’s anger management issues, ego, arrogance, emotional disregulation. It’s is hell being with someone like this. Find someone who looks at you like the sun shines out of your arse. Just do it. Bin his morose arse and then in 3 years time come back and thank us when you can say “I had a lucky escape and I’m with someone now who makes me laugh every day”

If you do marry there is a good chance he will throw at you ‘well it’s you who wanted to get married’ back at you in an arguement.

If that happens you will remember this junction in your life.

If you were engaged but living apart, no deposits paid yet, would you proceed?

I'd never be able to forget him saying that. I'd also struggle to be with someone so cruel.

Don't marry him OP. Listen to who he is.

When someone shows you who they are believe them.

You cannot marry this man, he is a plain nasty dickhead, no matter how nice he might behave at other times. Everything about your post is abusive. He clearly feels he has a right to treat you that way & that will only get worse once he feels he owns you

I was once in a similar situation & it was only when I got out, that I fully realised just how abusive he was & how unhealthy the relationship was, it was such a slow chipping away at my boundaries that I hadn't fully realised just how much he gaslighted me & destroyed my gauge on what was normal loving behaviour

It was a comment from him just like this that made me realise I couldn't marry him. He went from early proposal to making me feel like I somehow had to earn the wedding I wasn't even thinking of, ironically, financially it would have been a bad move for me, so I was becoming more cautious, yet still he treat me as if I was some desperate bint & he'd be doing me a favour to marry me.

Things got worse. I kicked him out. He married the woman he wasn't having an affair with 3 months later, yet still stalked me for over a year. His abuse of her turned physical after the DCs were born & he was shagging anything & everything behind her back too, including prostitutes. He treat her like his cattle at home. They were divorced within 3 years & he's had a string of women since, though lost his looks & is now very bitter & he lives his life of lies where he reinvented himself with a different nationality that he thought made him cooler & lies to his kid who thinks he is part Italian & isn't. It's incredibly sad & fucked up & I am so, so glad I saw sense & kicked him out.

I'm still happily married to the old friend I ended up dating after kicking "my fiancée" out & still happy 20 years later & I see nothing but a very lucky escape & that I was brainwashed for the years I did waste on him.

There is life after abusive arseholes & it's way better than I suspect you really have with this man who has absolutely no respect for you.

He does not deserve you, how dare he tell you he does you a favour by marrying you... no he does not. Let him go, you deserve way better than this.

Never once did my DH ever make me feel he was doing me a favour by marrying me. He frequently says exactly the opposite in how lucky he feels I agreed to marry him. That's how it should be, not this

@olaplexy I don’t want to tell you what to do. I have copy and pasted some info on respectful relationships.

Have a read and carefully consider your own relationship. Hope it helps you know how to move forward.

bodytalk.org.au/relationships/respectful-relationships/
Respectful relationships
What is a respectful relationship?
A respectful relationship is one of mutual respect, trust, good communication, understanding and honesty. Being in a relationship should be a positive experience for both people. We each have the right to feel safe, valued and cared about in our relationships, and this is particularly important when starting a closer, intimate relationship.
A respectful relationship includes:

• Being able to have fun together
• Having respect for yourself and for your partner
• Feeling comfortable
• Being able to say ‘no’
• Being able to make your own decisions
• Feeling accepted and free to be yourself
• Listening and being heard
• Being able to express your thoughts and feelings honestly with each other
• Being able to talk things through together and make compromises
• Supporting each other through the good times and bad ...

Conflict in respectful relationships
Even in a respectful relationship you will come across disagreements and arguments. Conflict is normal and healthy and can help you learn about and understand each another. It can be unpleasant, and can make you feel sad, guilty, confused or angry. It’s important to deal with conflict as it arises; it’s how you manage your differences and come to resolutions that are important in maintaining a respectful relationship.
Some ways differences can be managed respectfully include:

• Expressing feelings calmly and in a non-blaming way
• Understanding that it is ok to have differences, and to have different opinions
• Listening and understanding each other’s point of view
• Being open to learning about new things and about each other’s values
• Communicating wants and needs clearly
• Being willing to resolve disagreements; to negotiate and come to a compromise
• Not pressuring your partner to do something they don’t want to do
• Not putting pressure on yourself to do something you’re not comfortable with
• Managing anger without harm
• Giving each other personal space
• Recognising and owning misunderstandings If you have tried discussing an issue with your partner and they are not being understanding or respectful of your point of view, you may need to remove yourself from the situation – and maybe you need to decide if this is the sort of relationship you want to be in. It’s also important to respect yourself and take care of what’s best for you.

You’ll marry him, no doubt from your posts. Be prepared for a life of misery because this behaviour of saying the worst thing possible to hurt you won’t stop. Ten years down the line and possibly children later, when he’s saying he only married you because you pressured him and he’s wasted time on you, you’ll wish you were brave enough to disentangle your lives now. It’s a MN tale as old as time.

For what it’s worth, my exH did this too before our wedding. I left and we’re divorced - this doesn’t end well. Anecdotally, I’m now married to a wonderful man, with children together, who would never ever speak to me that way so starting again pays off.

Personally, I couldn´t get past his nasty comments, if you think I am a pathetic empty needy void, why are you marrying me? Something is very wrong here. Please heed the warnings people are giving you and leave.

What he said was unforgivable. I wouldn't feel the same way about him after that.
Cancel it all and get out of the relationship.
You'll save yourself a lot of pain further down the line

You don't want to start again ?

It is the perfect time for you to start again !

Your family & friends will support you

Holy shit, run.

That comment about the empty bottomless hole - its him actually telling you what HE is. It's too specific to be anything else.

@olaplexy

He didn’t apologise once for being deliberately cruel, even after he admitted it. Even when I asked him to.

That shows you what kind of man he really is. Do you really want your life to be tied to this awful person?

@Pinkbonbon

Holy shit, run.

That comment about the empty bottomless hole - its him actually telling you what HE is. It's too specific to be anything else.

I also expect this is pretty accurate.

OP, can I ask how old you both are?

It sounds like perhaps you got together young & just need a conclusion after 7 years together?

I'm getting these awful vibes from his words/actions that he does not like you, never mind love or respect.

These are not the actions of a kind & loving man.

I think you need to process all that has happened, maybe have some counselling on your own as to why you're so determined to hang on to this relationship- especially after all he has said.

I don't think there is any coming back from this, unfortunately- he sounds like he has narcissistic traits. Please read up on it - his mask is slipping....

@olaplexy

Stop trying to define whether or not you're 'overreacting' or 'escalating' things due to some undefined idea that HE is right (about not being bothered i.e a 'silly row') and that YOU are somehow being 'unreasonable' ????

You were upset because of WHAT he said, and how he said it.

It doesn't MATTER whether HE thinks you are 'right' or 'wrong' to be upset ffs !!

It only matters that you ARE upset.

And HOW he reacts to YOU being upset, is to tell you to fuck off to the spare room ????

This man couldn't give a shit about YOU. He doesn't even consider you worthy of a genuine apology when he's upset you ffs !

THIS is what you need to ponder. What would your 'marriage' be like when he still expects to TELL you if, and when, you are 'allowed' to be 'upset' ??

If you allow HIM to define what you are 'allowed' to feel, think or say ?

He is NOT a 'nice' person.
You deserve better.