Fiancé just told me he only proposed to shut me up.

[olaplexy]

Name changed for this because I’m so embarrassed and I don’t want it linked to other threads where I’ve talked about how happy we are.

Fiancé and I got engaged last summer after being together for 7 years. Booked a wedding venue in autumn for autumn 2022. We had different ideas about the wedding, he wanted something bigger and I wanted something smaller and we compromised at something imbetween. I’ve gone through stages of being excited to plan and looking forward to the day and stages of wishing we could just elope and be married, as that is what I am most excited for - being married. I’ve expressed this to him and he has told me he finds it wearing. But I’ve been the one who has done 80% of the planning, form filling, finding vendors. In fact the only job he had was to book the registrar and he hasn’t done that yet.

Anyway, we’ve had a tough few weeks with some stuff going on in his family that’s made us both worried about how it will impact our day. I was just feeling sad about how I can’t get excited about the day at the moment and he asked me what we could to do make it better. I said we couldn’t do much within the parameters of what we already had booked/who we had invited etc. I then said he didn’t seem very excited about the wedding either, and he agreed. I asked him what he would change if we didn’t have any deposits etc paid and he said he would cancel what we had booked, and just have a long engagement and not think about a wedding until we both had a special day planned.

I then said I’d do the opposite - if just get married in a registry office asap and start married life. He told me he didn’t want to waste our one wedding day on a shit wedding and why would I want to do that. The argument suddenly escalated, with him
saying nasty things about my parents wedding and me asking why he wanted to cancel the wedding.

He suddenly started being really cold and nasty, and told me he only proposed to shut me up because I kept nagging him, he’s sick of trying to make me happy and I have an empty, bottomless void inside me that means I’ll always be miserable. He was so unpleasant.

We then carried on talking and he said he’d only said that to be mean, and he thought I was trying to railroad him into getting married without his family (which I wasn’t - I’ve been the only one to make compromises on that because my ideal
wedding has 0 guests!) and I’d gone into the conversation with an agenda.

I’m sat upstairs now not knowing how to proceed from here. He made me feel like I was in the wrong? But I don’t know why you would ever say to the person you’re engaged to you didn’t want to propose unless you actually mean it? I don’t know what to do.

He's horrorible. Life is hard once you get married (I am happily married but it's hard with young kids and money worries and the mundane lifestyle)

Think very carefully

He's told you he only proposed because 'you went on about it'. It's a normal thing to talk about marriage if you're - are you? - living together, but he seems to have no interest or motivation in himself for it. He wants a big wedding but has contributed nothing even towards a medium sized wedding. On the other hand he insults and argues with you about having no public ceremony. Sounds to me like he just wanted the status quo but couldn't or wouldn't be honest about it for fear of upsetting his apple cart. Along with his horrible behaviour to you it just doesn't sound like he is madly in love, and it won't get better if he starts to feel trapped and resentful after marriage. You have to be strong and honest with yourself now as to whether this is a committed and loving man.

He doesn’t want to get married. Marriages are a lot easier to get into than they are to get out of, so I would think very hard about whether this is what you want to do.

Jesus, nice way of him to try to sort an altercation. Honestly OP, if you think your life are entwined now, wait until you need to disentangle your lives once you have children and mutual assets.

IfI were you, I would stop planing for a couple of months and see if after 2 months you are still keen to get married. At the end of the day, it is not unusual for couples who have been together for a good number of years to split on the year after they marry.

He was out of order in the way he spoke, but...I must say just by reading your story I feel exhausted...

It seems the marriage planning has turned into some kind of monster that is driving you both crazy and you both lost sight of why you wanted to do it in the first place.

You are supposed to get married because you want to make a commitment to someone. If you lose sigh of that and just obsess about the logistics it becomes a bit meaningless.

Maybe you both need to step back and try to remember why you decided to get married in the first place. The venue and everything else in the end is not the most important, they are just props. It is about you two wanting to be together, or not...the practicalities should be secondary.

Postpone your plans and revaluate if you are really in the right relationship. Better to do this now than do something you will regret..

@olaplexy

He’s just come into the room with a stupid sorry face on, expecting us to just be normal again. I told him I wasn’t ready to talk, I didn’t want to be normal and I just wanted to go to bed. He told me I could sleep in the spare room if I was going to be pathetic and not make up. I’m not going to.

I'm sorry . He's doubled down on showing a really nasty side of himself.

Again, if you take this out of context of this specific argument, he's showing you exactly how he's going to respond when he knows he's done something wrong (in this case, being cruel and manipulative) and been called out on it: he's going to act like nothing's happened and hope you go along with it so he doesn't have to apologise.

If you don't go along with it, he's going to flip the narrative so that even though, tonight he told you he wasn't excited about your wedding and thought you were a miserable person who nagged him into a proposal he didn't want, dangled your wedding over your head - you're now being pathetic. You're in the wrong. If you don't 'make up' tomorrow, then it'll be that you're dragging it out - it'll be more 'proof' you're never happy.

Then the next time you disagree with him, you'll have that voice in the back of your head - don't say anything, or he'll just think I'm never happy with anything. His behaviour just now is designed to make sure you feel bad for challenging him when he's out of line - he's setting you up as the villain. Not consciously, probably. But that's what he's doing - "Olaplexy can't take it when I say some mean stuff in an argument, can't ever be happy, can't make up after a tiff".

And you don't want to be seen as a misery who is banished to the spare room and might have the threat of your wedding being cancelled cos he's (paraphrasing) not even that arsed anyway, do you?

So you'll just keep your mouth shut next time and go, all is forgiven.

It's a line, crossed (if he hasn't done this in the past).

I know this sounds dramatic, but it's basic emotional manipulation. At worst, it continues - he says crueler things each time you disagree, punishes you for daring to expect an apology. Maybe not - but at best, he's emotionally immature and handling the big stuff when you don't agree is going to be exhausting and horrible and you're going to be expected to allow him to cross several emotional lines and then paste a smile on once he's over it.

Honestly, get out now while you still can.

To be honest you should have known this is what he really thinks since it took him 7 long years to propose. No idea why you wasted so many years with him if marriage is what you wanted. Surely you want a man who's actually keen and excited to marry you No one, absolutely no one, needs that length of time to know if they want to commit, and if they do, they're certainly not keen on the woman! Men know soon in the relationship if the woman they're with is the person they'd like to be with for the rest of their lives and they don't hesitate for anything in life they really want.

It won't feel like it now but he's done you a massive favour. Relationships like yours where you cohabit for a long time before they take the plunge for the real commitment of marriage have the worst divorce rates because there's a reason why the guy (normally is the guy) was dragging his feet to commit and presumably many of them do in the end not due to what they truly want, but because it's what's expected after so long together/direct or indirect pressure from the woman. Move out and find a man who deserves you @olaplexy

Thank you so much for all your advice. I’m reading it all but my head is spinning. I appreciate the support and kindness so much. I couldn’t talk to anyone about this in real life yet, I’d be so embarrassed, so this is such a help.

I’m oscillating between wondering if it wasn’t that big a deal? He clearly doesn’t think it was if he just came in like we’d had a silly row..? Like, am I over-reacting? Am I just escalating this? and then agreeing with most of you this was a really horrid thing to say.

As others have said end it now, and before innocent children are brought into this who then have to suffer their family breaking up. Your boyfriend's words show he has underlying doubts about you but far more importantly his words are showing a side to him that will only worsen after marriage.

Housemaus is entirely right in everything they've said, so I shan't repeat it.

Is your DP usually so vicious when you squabble? Has there ever been red flags in your relationship before? This could be a telling glimpse as to what your future is going to be, so take time to think on it; there's no rush to cancel anything right this second.

If he's anything like my DH, you might not get a decent response to begin with, so let the dust settle and broach the subject with him again in a day or two. Ask does he really think you're empty inside/ that he's sick of trying to make you happy/ why does he think it's acceptable to bring up your family/ why hasn't he apologised/ and if he doesn't want to get married, say so. By then, you should know in your gut if he was just being a reactive git after a bad day, or if there's something wrong.

Personally, if this appears to be part of a trend, I'd rather forfeit my deposit than waste money on a potentially foreseeable divorce later down the line, or wose, finding that my sense of worth and security in my relationship has been trampled.

Also, saying you 'have an empty, bottomless void inside' is a horrendous thing to say to somebody, regardless of how angry they are. He sounds like my mum, who used to say that kinda crap to me. Listen to it long enough and it starts to do damage, so put yourself first for your own well-being. Being single is better than being in a negative relationship x

This man does not love you, he does not want to marry you, he is mean, thoughtless and nasty. Do not marry him. Dump and run. As fast as you can.

When hurtful words are spoken they can’t be taken back.

You deserve better and I think you know that, time to cancel the wedding and not waste any more time on this poor excuse of a man.

@MightyMinestrone I disagree I'm afraid; my husband and I were together seven or so years before we got engaged, and even then it's because I proposed lol. We're completely happy, so the length of time before a proposal isn't an indicator of how good a relationship is.

OP,

He is a very nasty piece of work.

If you talk yourself out accepting that his behaviour and go ahead and marry him you will bitterly regret it.

He has shown you who he is.
Believe him.

A nasty piece of work.

Do not marry a nasty prick out of fear.

This is not a man to have children with.

Don't marry out of embarrassment.

Tell your friend and family what he has said.

This is not shit you forget.

He has no respect for you or your family

End this today

It would be better to be a happier single person

@olaplexy

Thank you so much for all your advice. I’m reading it all but my head is spinning. I appreciate the support and kindness so much. I couldn’t talk to anyone about this in real life yet, I’d be so embarrassed, so this is such a help.

I’m oscillating between wondering if it wasn’t that big a deal? He clearly doesn’t think it was if he just came in like we’d had a silly row..? Like, am I over-reacting? Am I just escalating this? and then agreeing with most of you this was a really horrid thing to say.

It’s a huge deal, as is his minimising of it. Ie calling you pathetic for not getting over it and making up. I agree with everyone here. He’s sounds bloody awful and I would be re-evaluating the marriage.

I don’t think you should be ending a relationship over this by any stretch of the imagination. Ultimately it is a disagreement and marriages are going to be full of them. But… maybe putting the wedding on hold isn’t a bad shout as it’s clear it’s not how either of you would like it. Cancel the venue. Start from scratch and start again when he initiates it so you don’t feel that’s it’s one sided.

He clearly doesn’t think it was if he just came in like we’d had a silly row..?

Does that not make you furious ?

How would he feel if you said those words to him. Go on try it, say:

'I only accepted your proposal because you asked.

There's a bottomless pit of self pity, neediness, manipulation and frankly juvenile behaviour that I'd rather not be shackled to for the rest of my life.'

Even as an example, ask him how he would feel. He'll probably shrug.

Telling you to sleep in the spare room because you don't want to make up with him ? GET.TO.FUCK.

Firstly, I would scream into his face long and loud. Then tell him to fuck off into the spare room until he understands how hurt you are.

He's basically telling you how to feel after he deliberately hurt you and undermined his own marriage proposal ! How stupid is he ?

A pp said he's backing out of getting married to you but wants it to be your fault.

Marrying this prick will be the biggest regret of your life. Please do not do it.

@Tiffbiff

It's you, isn't it ? My God.......

Either that or you are a man posting.

Prefer a long engagement instead of marriage ? Why ? Until she proves her self worth ? Good enough ?

ODFOD

Just sounds like an argument in a stressful time that’s got way out if hand OP
Sleep on it.
You probably feel better in the morning and so will he. He wouldn’t be doing a wedding otherwise. And men usually leave the planning to us.
DH often says wild stuff in arguments and 30 seconds later is saying sorry he didn’t mean it but I’m still hurt

*proves herself worthy

(worthy of a better fiancée/husband)

@Yellowsubhubabubbub

Really ?

Can we encourage higher standards not lower standards ?

Haha no testicles here I assure you, but having people tell the OP to leave her relationship over a disagreement on where/ when to get married is massively over the top.

If she wants to get married and that’s all she cares about without consideration for how her partner wants it - then she’s getting married for the wrong reason.

If he only wants to get married a certain way ( more popes, bigger venue et ) then he’s getting married for the wrong reason.

So start from scratch and come up with a new plan as neither of you are happy with the current one?!

Good Lord, alarm bells all round. Consider yourself lucky he's shown his true colours before you married him.

I know it hurts, but he's not the one for you, I'm afraid. And he's making it abundantly clear.