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Original poster

Child in plaster following car accident- husband angry cos I'm too tired to host a party.

109 replies

Constructivewayforward · 27/02/2022 20:42

Young teenager been in car accident and has a fractured ankle.
Had a week of back and forth to hospital an hour away to take her for treatment.
Husband angry that I was too tired to socialise at her welcome home party today.
I stayed overnight in hospital to care for her and looking after her emotionally and physically.
He's gone to bed and left me up with her (in UK).
He's so angry with me and says he'll never have a houseparty again cos he has to do the work.
I effing told him my priority is teenager, not feeding and cleaning up after 40 people.
I'm so upset about her accident and now I just want to tell him I have to think what's best for the children and I going forward.
He did the same thing when they were born and I had csections.
No support and all he cares about is himself.
Made the party for teenager to cheer her up but went overboard.

OP posts:
7eleven · 28/02/2022 11:36

I’ll not bang on, and I’ll make this my last post, but if the daughter enjoyed the party and the OH sorted it, exactly why is it unreasonable? I agree that the lack of suitable food for OP was rubbish.

Original poster
Constructivewayforward · 28/02/2022 11:38

It was a blowdry
Massive apologies as I didn't construct a proper essay.

OP posts:
Original poster
Constructivewayforward · 28/02/2022 11:40

He wanted a party and resented doing all the work.
I'm nursing her and running a home. Physical and emotional care

OP posts:
Redsquirrel5 · 28/02/2022 11:44

OP
I think some people are being harsh here.
Unless you have stayed in hospital with a child you don’t realise how exhausting it is. They don’t sleep properly and you don’t sleep because of worry and then there is all the noise and coming and going from staff and other patients. Sleep is very fitful. Then continual treatment which involved two hours travelling there and back and more waiting with an anxious child. All that is pretty exhausting.
He thought he was doing something special to cheer DD up but 40 guests is pretty full on for someone out of hospital and touching a cast...why do people want to do that? The limb is painful enough and then someone wants to touch it, knock on it or write on it. OP was probably also tired of having to repeat herself to make sure people didn’t do these things.
The emotional feelings flood back when you arrive home and not sleeping at night because of worry, child having flash backs or getting up to take her to the toilet is all exhausting.

Hope you can have a quite day today and snatch a nap in the afternoon. You are both a bit fraught and he expected too much from you. Get tidied up ( shame you need to) and plan a few easy days, get some easy to cook meals, rope in someone who offers help and try and relax. I hope DD recovers well and the family does too. It must have been a shock for you all. Remember sibling too as they will have been worried too.

ParisLondonTokyoSlough · 28/02/2022 11:51

Having stayed in hospital with one of my children multiple times for days or a week at a time, by the time I get home my eyes won't stay open. The adrenaline keeps you awake while in hospital but as soon as I get home I crash and my husband/family has to take over fully for a day or two.

I don't think OP is being unreasonable, hospital stays with children are exhausting sleeping on an armchair for days on end, and waking up every couple hours at nighttime to be present to ask questions and be there for your child when the consultants and nurses check in on them. If OP needed a couple of hours at the hairdresser to destress the I don't see the problem.

girlmom21 · 28/02/2022 11:54

@Constructivewayforward

It was a blowdry Massive apologies as I didn't construct a proper essay.
On your kids birthday
Redfloweryellowflower · 28/02/2022 11:56

Can you reiterate to him - your job right now is emotional and physical support for teenager, and that is all you can manage right now. As he chose to host such a large party, hosting it and more importantly cleaning up after is his job. Lay it out very clearly that the large party was his idea, and therefore everything to do with it is his responsibility (I know it was last night, but it sounds like he doesn't get that.) make sure he does any remaining clearing up, sorting of recycling and so on. Every time he complains point out that it was his idea.

For those bringing up the hairdresser, just because you find it more tiring than hosting does not mean that is the case for everyone. We all react differently and have different triggers and thresholds on what we can do and that is OK.

ErrolTheDragon · 28/02/2022 12:14

@7eleven

I’ll not bang on, and I’ll make this my last post, but if the daughter enjoyed the party and the OH sorted it, exactly why is it unreasonable? I agree that the lack of suitable food for OP was rubbish.
Did you miss these sections of the OP? It's not that he decided to have a party, it's his totally inconsiderate shitty attitude towards her which is unreasonable.

Husband angry that I was too tired to socialise at her welcome home party today.
He's so angry with me and says he'll never have a houseparty again cos he has to do the work.
He did the same thing when they were born and I had csections.
No support and all he cares about is himself.

endofthelinefinally · 28/02/2022 12:33

Yes, that is the bit that jumped out for me. He sounds awful IMO. My dd was injured in a car accident and I looked after her for weeks. It was exhausting and she was 17 and NT, and I didn't have a younger, autistic child to support as well. If my DH had organised a 40 person party on dd's return from hospital I would not have been impressed. Thankfully he is not that thoughtless.

RantyAunty · 28/02/2022 12:47

Birthday or not, it was ridiculous to have a party with 40 people the day she returns from the hospital.

Nothing wrong with a small family only gather around the cake, blow out the candles, open a few presents.
Then organise a large party when she's well.

Original poster
Constructivewayforward · 28/02/2022 14:18

Thanks all.
Need to get codeine liquid from gp as calpol not enough.
Red squirrel Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Constructivewayforward · 28/02/2022 14:21

Paris London
Hope your child is ok.
I was given a bed but baby in room kept crying.
Daughter upset all night till 3 when exhaustion took over.
I don't know how to help her.
I have to wheel her to toilet.
Constant pain.

OP posts:
triballeader · 28/02/2022 15:31

Constructive - sharing in case this is something that MIGHT help. Physio's sorted out a suitably sized zimmer frame for dd to help her mobilise in her home after her b.a. car accident. It was far more stable than crutches and allowed her an easier self transfer from the bed that had to be moved downstairs. The frame gave a protective zone around her smashed up hip and thge leg she was not allowed to put weight on. She had a slip sheet and grab rail that allowed her to sit up and turn in bed before using the zimmer to get upright. Being able to do a few things for herself helped her regain a zapped self confidence. She cheered at being able to access the loo on her own. The rest of the time she really was in a wheelchair and was for months. I honestly recommend either buying or hiring a suitable cushion to reduce the potential risk of pressure sores if your DD needs it for more than a few days. A decent pair of cycle or gardening glooves help to protect hands when self propelling.

I have no idea what logic your husband was using but it was not realistic for the circumstances. In fact words fail me. Having to have bones surgically re-aligned then pinned is a bit more than a simple fracture that is easily stabilised with a cast. Your daughters genuine needs have to be your priority for now.

girlmom21 · 28/02/2022 15:41

OP can she not use crutches? Does she have other injuries aside from her ankle?

AchillesPoirot · 28/02/2022 16:20

If she’s non weight bearing crutches will be difficult.

girlmom21 · 28/02/2022 16:26

@AchillesPoirot

If she’s non weight bearing crutches will be difficult.
Crutches are easy on one foot depending on her age
AchillesPoirot · 28/02/2022 16:27

No they’re not for everyone. Not in my experience.

EthelTheAardvark · 28/02/2022 18:48

When I broke my ankle many, many years ago and was non-weightbearing, they gave me those crutches you put under your arm pits. Do they still offer those? I got to be quite nifty with getting around using them.

BOOTS52 · 28/02/2022 18:52

Poor you as you sound emotionally and physically drained and I do understand how you are feeling. The past few days have been horrible and lack of sleep, stress and worrying about your daughter and then a massive party on the day you return home from hospital not right. He could have had it in a few days with just a few family members when you all had time to be rested and settled back home. I cannot believe he did not get you food that you can eat. I cannot have gluten or dairy or else am very sick and if have gluten get Dermatitis herpetiformis all over back which look like I have been scratched by a panther and is painful.
He could have got you a frozen gluten free pizza in shop. Just thoughtless especially since you were at hospital all night. Ignore those having a go at you as you are doing your best and looking after children, teenagers with extra needs is extremely time consuming and can be draining. All as you want is a bit of support well leave him to clean up the mess. Just try to eat something and get some sleep as lack of sleep makes everything seem worse. He sounds like he wants everyone to think he is great organizing a party. Selfish and silly to have party day you arrive home. Take few days but then you need to talk to him about communication and not just doing things on the spur of the moment. Hope your daughter feels better and you get some rest.

Original poster
Constructivewayforward · 28/02/2022 20:46

I've got her a wheelchair which is helping her to move around.
This is it, he's selfish and it's happening yet again - blaming me for her distress.
Sorting out finances to start a new life without him.

OP posts:
7eleven · 02/03/2022 10:59

I hope your daughter is feeling a bit better, OP

Original poster
Constructivewayforward · 02/03/2022 11:29

Codeine helps.

OP posts:
Juniper68 · 02/03/2022 11:35

You'll be better off without him. Best wishes.

RB68 · 02/03/2022 11:50

She has had a pin so had open surgery and a GA - no wonder she feels crap. She won't be on crutches yet as they will want the healing to start and ensure its not knocked or accidently stood on. With this sort of surgery its a deep bone pain (been there done that got at least 2 t shirts) and it is sould deep until they get the meds right and the best thing you can do is dose up rest eat and sleep.

He is basically not recognising that after surgery people need to recuperate - its not an immediate perk up and get buzzing sort of thing, and not understanding how wearing socialising is when you are tired, sore, recovering and just want to sleep and recuperate

random9876 · 02/03/2022 17:18

I think wait to get through the next week or two and dissect this later. Everybody had a shock and judgement and emotions probably all over the shop. It’s quite possible neither you or your DH were firing on all cyclinders/being terribly rational but perhaps you were both trying to do the right things that came out wrong. But with the strain of two kids with autism and this accident, maybe start with self/mutual compassion and a bit of a rest, and then ask „what happened there“?