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Original poster

Child in plaster following car accident- husband angry cos I'm too tired to host a party.

109 replies

Constructivewayforward · 27/02/2022 20:42

Young teenager been in car accident and has a fractured ankle.
Had a week of back and forth to hospital an hour away to take her for treatment.
Husband angry that I was too tired to socialise at her welcome home party today.
I stayed overnight in hospital to care for her and looking after her emotionally and physically.
He's gone to bed and left me up with her (in UK).
He's so angry with me and says he'll never have a houseparty again cos he has to do the work.
I effing told him my priority is teenager, not feeding and cleaning up after 40 people.
I'm so upset about her accident and now I just want to tell him I have to think what's best for the children and I going forward.
He did the same thing when they were born and I had csections.
No support and all he cares about is himself.
Made the party for teenager to cheer her up but went overboard.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 28/02/2022 10:07

@Constructivewayforward

It was 40 people,hot and cold drinks. Rearranging furniture

You said he sorted all the drinks.

Pinkbonbon · 28/02/2022 10:09

Actually kinda reminds me of the start of mirs doubtfire!

His wife comes home to find he has thrown a massive party with a petting zoo in the house xD
When you were young you thought she was uptight in her reaction to thow a wobbly. And harsh to ask him for a divorce. But when you grow up, you think 'bloody good on her!'.

Anyway, point is op, a selfish partner who drains the life out of you is totally pointless. Worse than that, its a backwards step. So why not just ditch him for good? Get yourself free! You don't want your kids growing up thinking women should tolerate this crap from partners.

EthelTheAardvark · 28/02/2022 10:10

@saraclara

He's been unpleasant post-party, but I don't think he did anything wrong in organising it, given that is her birthday (though forty people seems OTT)

You do seem to be martyring yourself though. I'm not sure why you stayed in hospital overnight with a teenager who's old enough to drive, nor why you stayed up until 2 with her instead of encouraging her to get some sleep.

Why assume because she was in a car accident that she must have been the driver?

NowEvenBetter · 28/02/2022 10:11

He’ll ‘never forgive you’ and adds nothing good to your life? Great, start the divorce and put yourself out of your miserable situation. The drip feeding and details about one day of your life aren’t really relevant-you picked a shit man. Change that.

7eleven · 28/02/2022 10:15

@NowEvenBetter

Mmm this is one occasion where I definitely think it would be interesting to hear the OH’s point of view.

Loopytiles · 28/02/2022 10:16

Would take this as a moment of clarity to propel you into separating from him.

7eleven · 28/02/2022 10:23

For example, it could read ‘our daughter was recently in an accident. It’s been really upsetting for all of us. It was her birthday and I didn’t want her to miss out on it being celebrated, so I threw her a party. As I knew my OH was exhausted I arranged everything. My OH went off to get her hair done. During the party, which my daughter loved, my OH was moody, rude to our guests and spoiled it. She then expected me to do all the cleaning up. I’m really angry with her for ruining my daughter’s birthday party. She always makes everything about her and I’ve had enough.’

PinkForgetMeNot · 28/02/2022 10:26

@Constructivewayforward

Not making it up! Husband a neat freak and 2 autistic children. WWYD? Look after anxious distressed child or feed pizza to 40 people cos husband decreed it?!

Or go to the hair salon

Saysama · 28/02/2022 10:26

This post has jumped the shark for me.

OP, why do you write like you’re sending a series of telegrams? Very strangely worded posts.

Have we finally achieved the singularity? Are there robots on MN?!

AchillesPoirot · 28/02/2022 10:28

This all sounds quite odd.

I’d recommend a day chilling and ignore the catch up of teen’s schoolwork.

I hope you all feel better soon.

BreastedBoobilyToTheStairs · 28/02/2022 10:29

@girlmom21 we'll have to agree to disagree. You can ask the hairdresser for a quiet session. No need to chat bollocks.

I love my family and friends dearly but 40 of them in one go when I'm exhausted is going to leave me incredibly drained. Not everyone thrives on big gatherings.

ClawedButler · 28/02/2022 10:36

OP just sounds exhausted to me. Physically and emotionally.

You can't pour from an empty cup.

I agree it's confusing and hard to work out what the actual timeline of events was and all that from the posts. But when you are at your limit, sometimes you just need to vent, rather than produce a series of detailed bulletins designed to meet the approval of strangers on the internet.

Weller123 · 28/02/2022 10:43

You are obviously exhausted & no doubt a little traumatised after learning that your daughter had injured herself in a car crash! Nothing feels right when you are in that frame of mind. It would be lovely if he had foreseen that & made different choices but we are all guilty of not fully understanding a situation that we have not been through ourselves!
Perhaps it would be an idea to wait until you are feeling better in yourself and then discuss with your husband how it made you feel. He will also have his own side of the story and will have his own feelings to deal with. Was he at home with your younger child whilst you were at the hospital? Was he trying to juggle work and childcare commitments? Did he feel useless because he was at home whilst his daughter and his wife were going through a difficult time in hospital? Is he an extrovert who finds a party to be energising and a solution to a difficult time, and you an introvert who finds a party draining?
It has no doubt been difficult for you both in different ways but unless you talk to each other and help each other understand your own point of view you will build resentment and anger each time either of you make a mistake.
Perhaps you have a difficult relationship anyway, in which case this may be further justification to yourself that he is not the man you want him to be. That’s fine to feel that way, but in terms of the party, you will never resolve anything and change your future together unless you try and understand each other’s motivation and point of view.
I hope your daughter is feeling better and will soon be back to normal. Take some time for yourself. Tell your daughter you will be there for her but place boundaries for your own wellbeing. It is not unreasonable to tell her 2 hour talks should be conducted during the day, this will only help her learn more empathy for others and will build her feelings of self-esteem that she is able to manage her own emotions at times when other people are unavailable for very legitimate reasons.
You have my full admiration for looking after her so well, but we cannot begin to give others what they need until we have taken care of our own basic needs. I am sorry you have been through a tough time and I hope things get easier very soon.

Original poster

Constructivewayforward · 28/02/2022 10:45

Dear everyone
Have written bullet points cos I'm effing knackered.
I was not rude to guests, I asked them to ask husband as I was trying to make sure daughter was topped up with painkiller and not having people touch her ankle.
She was unfortunately awake most of night and now has codeine.
Respectfully yours
Tired mum.

OP posts:

endofthelinefinally · 28/02/2022 10:50

Codeine causes severe constipation so get the movicol going at the same time.

ikeepseeingit · 28/02/2022 10:53

Try to get some rest OP. Sounds like you've been running yourself ragged. Talk to your husband when you're properly rested and everyone is a bit less fraught. Ignore school work for now. I think you all need a blanket rule of no parties after a hospital stay from now on!

Hope you and your daughter are feeling better soon x

steppemum · 28/02/2022 10:56

I broke my ankle a couple of years ago, had a pin as well.

I was really in pain for about 2 weeks. If anyone had thrown me a party I would have gone to bed. It was bloody awful, a party is the last thing I would have wanted, birthday or not.
And if anyone had touched it in those first 2 weeks I would have burst into tears.

After 2 weeks I went into a proper cast, and it got so much better.
Long term 100% well and good.

Your dh is so lacking in empathy that it is a joke.

7eleven · 28/02/2022 10:58

I also broke my ankle a couple of years ago and was shocked at how dreadful it made me feel. However, in this instance, it seems as the person with the broken actually enjoyed the party. It was the parent who didn’t.

2022IamHavingYa · 28/02/2022 11:03

Odd thread. How big is your house that you can host 40 people! And how much did pizza and cake cost for all those people?

I’m not seeing the logic of you telling guests to ask you husband where the rubbish goes. Welheyher it not you were dishing out painkillers it would have been just as easy to say, just pop it over there than it would to say, go and ask husband.

I feel the crux of this thread is hat you are not being looked after by your husband and you feel you are doing the majority of the work?
You could always sit down like an adult and discuss it with him?

steppemum · 28/02/2022 11:03

I got asked why I'm not eating - cos I react badly to pizza and cake!
So guests thought it was odd that I wasn't looked after too, cos I'm nursing her.

I've just seen this from one of your posts.

You made him look bad in front of other people, and he's got the hump.

EthelTheAardvark · 28/02/2022 11:07

[quote girlmom21]@BreastedBoobilyToTheStairs going to the hairdressers is a massive chore and I'd much rather socialise with friends and family than talk bollocks with a hairdresser for an hour...

Hosting people doesn't really take that much effort. She said her husband did all the hosting. If there's really that much tidying up to do after having some friends and family round for pizza that it takes an extortionate amount of energy you're socialising with dickheads. [/quote]
Going to the hairdresser a massive chore? I just tell the hairdresser what I want, then sit back and let everyone else do the work. He's happy for me to talk as much or as little as I want. I can't see what's such a chore in all that.

7eleven · 28/02/2022 11:07

OP. Why did you call it a homecoming party in your first post, rather that a birthday party? It puts such a different complexion on the matter and was designed, I suspect, to acquire all the ‘your husband’s an arse’ replies you’re getting. I posted one myself.

I changed my mind when I found out it was a birthday party. I think that was a bit disingenuous of you.

ErrolTheDragon · 28/02/2022 11:07

You made him look bad in front of other people, and he's got the hump.

Rather, his own lack of consideration for the OPs needs made him look bad in front of other people! (I'm sure that's what you meant, but with this sort of unhealthy dynamic it's pretty important to attribute the blame correctly. It's not the OPs fault she's gluten intolerant and her idiotic DH only bought food she couldn't eat.)

girlmom21 · 28/02/2022 11:09

@EthelTheAardvark well I think going is a massive chore because you have to travel there, explain what you want, have mundane conversation (and spend the whole time feeling awkward if there's no conversation), sit under them shitty lights, pretend you like it when you've just spent £50 to look exactly the same as you did an hour ago, then travel home.

I'd rather be at home with my friends and family who my husband had already arranged all the food and drinks for etc

steppemum · 28/02/2022 11:20

@ErrolTheDragon

You made him look bad in front of other people, and he's got the hump.

yes you are right, it is not the OPs fault, he is being unreasonable, and got the hump because he didn't like people noticing his lack of consideration

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