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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's making me question everything!

89 replies

OverMyHead01 · 27/02/2022 06:46

Ive been with my OH coming upto 3 years now, engaged for about 3 months. We rent together no children of our own but kids from previous relationships.

It started early on actually but I just gathered he was stressed so let it slide.
He constantly criticises me and belittles me. Everything that goes wrong its my fault if we end up stuck in traffic he shouts at me for it. His trousers ripped the other day and that was my fault. It's got worse this past 6 months though, he started calling me clingy and needy, I dont think I am by a long shot I think its just another power play on his part.
Every morning before we leave for work he always gives me a kiss and tells me he loves me, 2 mornings last week he didn't so I just mentioned it you know, if something doesn't happen that normally happens all the time I'm bound to notice it. His response was.. oh sorry like, I didn't know I had to do it every single morning. You've gone right clingy you.
He hasn't told me he loves me since because he knows I want to hear it!? Head games?
I've done nothing but love this man I've never had a go at him about anything but he's always picking faults with me. It's like he always knows best and he can never do no wrong.
I've been torn this weekend not sure what I want anymore. When I look at him my heart fills with love because when it's good it's amazing but then when I think of the way he can treat me I'm confused again.
Because he called me clingy and needy I don't go upto him anymore for kisses and cuddles like I used to I wait till he wants it but according to him I've gone cold towards him so I must be cheating?!
Everytime I talk to him about anything, days out, the wedding, kids, family he snaps at me and jumps down my throat or bites my head off. He says he feels like I'm planning his life for him. No, I'm just talking about stuff for our life making memories and days out are only ideas.
I go to bed every night wondering if I'm good enough for him because I can never seem to do anything right.

Help me please am I actually too clingy or is it all him?

OP posts:
Cleanbedlinen12 · 27/02/2022 06:49

Run

lifeissweet · 27/02/2022 06:51

No. You are not too clingy.

Yes. It is him.

He is not a nice person. He is definitely deliberately messing with your head. He is keeping you destabilised but withdrawing affection just when you need it most. He doesn't want you to feel comfortable and sure of him. It's a control mechanism. You need to earn his love.

You shouldn't put up with someone belittling you and making you feel bad. This is someone who is supposed to love you, support you, lift you up and be your biggest fan and cheerleader. He is not being a friend to you.

You say that when it's good it's brilliant and you obviously love him, but no matter how good the good bits are, they can't make up for the rest, which is going to gradually strip away your self esteem until you don't trust your own feelings anymore.

He's controlling. He's unkind. This is not a good relationship. I'm sorry. Thanks

Ilovenutellaaaaa · 27/02/2022 06:54

Why are you putting up with this?, this isn't what a healthy loving relationship should be like, you sound like you are always on edge trying to please and placate someone who is cold and distant to you.

I would ask myself if I wanted to put up with him for the rest of my life, or if I wanted an actual shot at happiness, because you do know that he's not going to change and marrying him just complicates it if you want to leave....make a clean break now while you are still unmarried

FlowerArranger · 27/02/2022 06:56

This will be your life if you stay...

SarahBellam · 27/02/2022 06:59

He's a dickhead. You can't change him. Nothing you say or do will change him. He enjoys his pathetic power trips - knocking you off balance and keeping you on tender hooks seeking his approval is abusive and I'll bet once you start thinking about it you'll notice a whole host of other red flags. It's up to you whether you want to put up with that shit for the rest of your life, or whether you want to move on to something better and happier. As a general rule though, you do not waste your precious time and energy on people who make you feel bad.

Original poster
OverMyHead01 · 27/02/2022 07:02

Everything he said he loved about me when we first got together now just seems to annoy him.
He doesn't even tell me I look nice anymore when I make an obvious effort if were visiting family or whatever. Sometimes it's like he looks straight through me.
I've been the same person through our entire relationship, hes changed. He says he doesn't need to impress me anymore because he's got me and that I'm still in the honeymoon period and he thinks I'm still trying to impress him. I'm not at all I'm just me, I never pretended to be anyone different just to get him to like me.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 27/02/2022 07:02

Run for your life. Don't be foolish enough to marry this prick.

ByeByeMissAmericanPie · 27/02/2022 07:02

Please leave this relationship… or at the VERY least, do NOT marry him.

It looks like he’s showing his true self. MN is peppered with (mainly) women who have or are still experiencing a very similar scenario.

It’s definitely not you. It’s him.

Original poster
OverMyHead01 · 27/02/2022 07:13

There was a time I'd just sit and talk to him about anything and everything and I'd feel comfortable doing it.
Now I just sit quietly for fear of getting my head bit off.
He asks why I'm quiet so I say I've got plenty to talk about you just don't want to hear it. He says you make me sound like a right bastard.i just sit and think to myself, well if the shoe fits..

OP posts:
NETSRIK · 27/02/2022 07:22

Ruuuuuuun.

Velvian · 27/02/2022 07:30

You need to leave him op. Do not do this to yourself or your kids.

supercali77 · 27/02/2022 07:31

Oh lord no, this sounds dreadful, leave before you end up married to this nightmare

Velvian · 27/02/2022 07:33

So what if you do love him? It would still be stupid too put that feeling above your safety, sanity, security, relationship with your children...

lifeissweet · 27/02/2022 07:34

OP, please read what you have written back to yourself and imagine it is someone else's words (a friend or someone you care about). What sounds good about this relationship?

He has told you he made an effort for your honeymoon period, but that's over now. That's a really worrying statement. It suggests a level of calculation. He is aware that he put his best side out there to get you and now he thinks he has you trapped and can behave how he likes.

This is the real him. The person you love doesn't exist. This is not a nice man.

I am not sure you are ready to hear this yet, but you need to leave him

lifeissweet · 27/02/2022 07:35

Does he treat your DC in the same nasty way he treats you?

Original poster
OverMyHead01 · 27/02/2022 07:40

He can be quite critical of my child yes, when I try to defend them he gets pissed off at me for it.
The things he tells my child for his kids do the same and he never says a word.
If I pick up on something one of his kids has done all I get is yeah well your child does this, this and this.
I have asked him if he does actually like my child because he complains and criticises an awful lot.

OP posts:
thethoughtfox · 27/02/2022 07:40

So sorry, OP. It doesn't sound like he likes you. Is that good enough for you?

GeneLovesJezebel · 27/02/2022 07:43

Leave. Leave. Leave.

layladomino · 27/02/2022 07:44

Op, please read back all of your posts, then ask yourself what you would say if your friend or adult daughter was saying them about her relationship?

Ask yourself if this man loves this woman. Because I'm afraid he doesn't. He is abusive. He messes with your head on purpose. He criticies, belittles, blames. He doesn't care about your feelings.

Is that a decription of a man you'd want to marry?

When someone loves you, they show it. Every day and in a multitude of ways. They want to show it. It comes naturally. You're left in no doubt.

Please don't marry someone who is showing you they won't make a good husband. He is cruel, unfeeling, disrespectful. He won't get better. He will likely get worse once married. He is so very arrogant to think he can treat you like rubbish and you'll still want to marry him.

Please leave. For your children's sake if not your own. They are seeing a bad model of a relationship on which they might base their own in future - and I'm sure you wouldn't want that for them. And from your description of him, I doubt he's a loving and supportive SD.

daisyjgrey · 27/02/2022 07:46

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Run away now.

Anonymousaga · 27/02/2022 07:51

Cleanbedlinen12

Run

This was your first reply to your post and the only one you need. Take this advice and run.

MsFrog · 27/02/2022 07:53

He sounds absolutely awful and you shouldn't have to put up with behaviour like this. It will have a negative impact on your child as well, seeing you being treated this way and being treated badly as well. If I were you, I would leave. It's not how nice someone can be when they feel like it that matters, it's how someone supports you in the tough moments. He doesn't sound like he cares about you or respects you at all. Sorry OP xx

lifeissweet · 27/02/2022 07:54

Ok. I'm going to be blunt now.

If you don't leave, you are allowing your child to be bullied and allowing your child to see you being disrespected and bullied too.

I assume you put your DC first and are a good parent. For that reason alone you must leave as soon as possible.

MordenLarch · 27/02/2022 07:55

It’s him. He’s controlling and sounds completely obnoxious. You deserve better

Sazzlepop22 · 27/02/2022 08:01

End this relationship!

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