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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's making me question everything!

89 replies

OverMyHead01 · 27/02/2022 06:46

Ive been with my OH coming upto 3 years now, engaged for about 3 months. We rent together no children of our own but kids from previous relationships.

It started early on actually but I just gathered he was stressed so let it slide.
He constantly criticises me and belittles me. Everything that goes wrong its my fault if we end up stuck in traffic he shouts at me for it. His trousers ripped the other day and that was my fault. It's got worse this past 6 months though, he started calling me clingy and needy, I dont think I am by a long shot I think its just another power play on his part.
Every morning before we leave for work he always gives me a kiss and tells me he loves me, 2 mornings last week he didn't so I just mentioned it you know, if something doesn't happen that normally happens all the time I'm bound to notice it. His response was.. oh sorry like, I didn't know I had to do it every single morning. You've gone right clingy you.
He hasn't told me he loves me since because he knows I want to hear it!? Head games?
I've done nothing but love this man I've never had a go at him about anything but he's always picking faults with me. It's like he always knows best and he can never do no wrong.
I've been torn this weekend not sure what I want anymore. When I look at him my heart fills with love because when it's good it's amazing but then when I think of the way he can treat me I'm confused again.
Because he called me clingy and needy I don't go upto him anymore for kisses and cuddles like I used to I wait till he wants it but according to him I've gone cold towards him so I must be cheating?!
Everytime I talk to him about anything, days out, the wedding, kids, family he snaps at me and jumps down my throat or bites my head off. He says he feels like I'm planning his life for him. No, I'm just talking about stuff for our life making memories and days out are only ideas.
I go to bed every night wondering if I'm good enough for him because I can never seem to do anything right.

Help me please am I actually too clingy or is it all him?

OP posts:
RoisinD · 27/02/2022 08:02

You cannot allow him to continue to be abusive not only to you but also your child. Get out of there now. I would never put any partner before my child.

sorrysaywhatnow · 27/02/2022 08:02

Absolutely no. This man is a bully and a controlling one at that. Please please leave if only for your child's sake

User0610134049 · 27/02/2022 08:03

Oh fgs I didn’t even have to read the whole thing just leave him where is your self respect?

Loopytiles · 27/02/2022 08:07

‘ It started early on actually but I just gathered he was stressed so let it slide’

That was a massive mistake. Moving in with him was another.

Your choices to date with this relationship have not been good for your DC. They will have witnessed the way you’re treated and experienced it themselves, and noticed the difference in treatment with the other DC in the household. Staying, and marriage, wouldn’t be good for them either.

lisaandalan · 27/02/2022 08:10

FFS run find a place to rent for you and your child and go he is horrible and makes you feel shit, why an earth would you want to stay.
You could be with someone who makes you happy and why would you want your child in this environment they will grow up feeling insecure, you don't want that.
Go out next week find a private rental and leave, if you can't pay all the rent universal credit will help you.
Do it for your child's sake if not your own. X

biggirlknickers · 27/02/2022 08:12

I’m handing you my first LTB of the year.

What position are you in financially and practically? What are you going to need to do to extricate yourself from this man?

Ohyesiam · 27/02/2022 08:15

This relationship can never make you happy. He’s showing you he can treat you any way he wants.
Please get out now, before all your confidence is eroded away

autienotnaughty · 27/02/2022 08:18

Leave

Bananalanacake · 27/02/2022 08:21

Could you move out but still see him, if he objects you can say " if we live apart I can't rip your trousers."

Mummacake · 27/02/2022 08:22

Your child deserves better as do you. This will become your normal - don't allow him to continue to abuse you & your child. There's red flags all over this. Leave now!

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 27/02/2022 08:25

@Bananalanacake

Could you move out but still see him, if he objects you can say " if we live apart I can't rip your trousers."
He's a nasty piece of work that needs to be entirely out of her and her dc's life. @OverMyHead01 get out of this relationship pronto.
beastlyslumber · 27/02/2022 08:26

He's abusive towards you and your child.

There's nothing you can do to fix this, except to leave.

Get out now before it gets worse (and it will get worse.)

Protect yourself and your child.

Run.

Shoxfordian · 27/02/2022 08:27

It doesn’t seem as though he likes you, certainly doesn’t seem to love you

Ltb

Doanythingforlove · 27/02/2022 08:31

What a horrible man.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 27/02/2022 08:33

He's abusive to your child

Why are you still with him?

2DogsOnMySofa · 27/02/2022 08:38

You can't do right for doing wrong.... your affectionate - you're too clingy, you let him come to you - you're cold! He shouts at you for things that aren't in your control and now he's started on your children - this is who he is and not the actions of a man who care and loves you. Leave him!

hesbeen2021 · 27/02/2022 08:41

He's dipping his toe in to becoming an abuser. He's just trying out a few things to see how you react, sort of practising and seeing he can get away with it he will escalate, I promise
He doesn't love you. Love isn't like this

Ohfortheloveofgodwhatnow · 27/02/2022 08:45

You’re engaged just 3 months and he’s at this shit? No op, it’s not you at all. Happily, he’s showing you early what your life with him will look like. This is the thin end of the wedge.
Get out while you can.

Pashazade · 27/02/2022 08:47

Please leave now. You do not need him in your life he will only cause you further grief and damage your child and probably your relationship with your child if you continue to live in this environment. He doesn't really care he made it clear by saying he has you where he wants you. Listen to your alarm bells and act on them.

TooMinty · 27/02/2022 08:49

He's not good enough for you, you deserve better. He has ground you down already in such a short time. Please get rid of him Thanks

lovingtheheat · 27/02/2022 08:49

"He says he doesn't need to impress me anymore because he's got me"

Aka he has snared his prey and thinks you're too weak to leave so now feels confident in showing you his true colours.

You and your child are worth more than this. Don't let him condition you to shut up.

Your comments re his attitude to your child are also concerning. He sounds abusive.

ChinstrapBobblehat · 27/02/2022 08:49

Just adding my voice to the chorus in the hope it’ll give you the strength to do what you know you need to do, OP.

You may think you love him but you don’t, you love a version of his best self that he used to reel you in - that man is gone. You may feel you’ve invested too much time/effort/emotion in the relationship, but 3 years is nothing versus a lifetime of unhappiness.

This man is emotionally abusive. He’s aggressive, manipulative, angry - and he doesn’t even like you, let alone love you. Get out now. He’ll turn back into his ‘old self’ no doubt in an effort to stop you, but don’t fall for that BS. He’s shown you who he really is, and you and your child deserve better.

frozendaisy · 27/02/2022 08:59

Time to get on Rightmove and find a place without him in it for you and your child.

There will be peace then you won't get the blame for all his nonsense.

Comtesse · 27/02/2022 09:05

Doesn’t sound like you should be getting married Flowers

Houstonjane · 27/02/2022 09:53

So many red flags in this post, please do not marry him. I would get out of this relationship now, he is emotionally abusive. Things will only get a lot worse, I am speaking from experience.
Why put up with someone who constantly criticizes you and belittles you? He says everything is your fault, he is reading from the abusers script. Down the line, when he smacks you in the face, he will say you made him do it. Or maybe he will never lay a hand on you, he will not need to, as he will destroy your mental health and leave you anxious, scared and compliant to his demands. I could have written your post myself years ago, things got much, much worse. The abuse I suffered was horrendous but the pyschological and emotional abuse was the worst of all. I kept hoping things would get better, not a chance. He is one abusive, deranged individual, if he is shouting at you for the heavy traffic or his trousers ripping. Things which are totally beyond your control. Please speak to Womans Aid and a counsellor, they will back up what the women on here are trying to advise you.
He is playing head games calling you clingy and needy. He is making you feel so insecure, that is not a healthy relationship.
Abusers are dominators, they always think they know best and can do nothing wrong.
There are usually a few good times with abusers, it is the cycle of abuse and further messes with your head.
One minute he says you are clingy and needy and now you stop the affection, you are cold and cheating? This is text book abusers behaviour. Can you not see, you will never win no matter what you do?
He snaps at you, jumps down your throat , bites your head off and you ask if you are good enough for him? Or too clingy?
YOU ARE TOO GOOD FOR HIM and YOU ARE NOT TOO CLINGY.
You say everything he said he loved about you in the beginning now annoys him. He was love bombing you. You were his prey that he lured into his trap.
You say he never compliments you when you look nice, my abuser never did either. Sometimes friends would say you look stunning and he would look annoyed and look me up and down like I was shit on his shoe.
I remember the staring straight through you too. Desperately trying to make things better, I kissed his cheek, he fixed his eyes on something in the distance and stared straight ahead, there was contempt in his face.
Your partner is calculated, he knows what he is doing. He has even told you that now the honey moon period is over and HE HAS GOT YOU, he does not have to try anymore.
He is even criticizing and complaining about your child.
Sorry my reply is long but I could identify with so much you wrote.
I think you should RUN and LEAVE THIS ABUSER. From my own experience, I think things will get a lot worse for you.
He is showing you who he is, believe him. PLEASE DO NOT MARRY HIM. GET AS FAR AWAY FROM THIS MAN AS YOU CAN.

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