Can an emotionally abusive husband change?

[BreadGenius]

I've finally come to the end of the road with my emotionally abusive husband and told him so last night, after yet another weekend of sulking, shouting and relentless negativity (him, not me). Today he's 'promising to change'. I'm having a hard time believing in this forthcoming change given that we've been married for twenty years and he's made this promise every few months with depressing regularity.

I've been persuaded to 'give him one more chance', and I will really try, but am I being stupid? Has any abusive man ever changed his behaviour for more than a few months? I used to think that he was a decent man really, because the abusive episodes were often weeks or even months apart. However, having read Lundy Bancroft's 'Why Does He Do That', I've realised that he's simply following the 'abuser's script' and reeling me back in with his decent behaviour after yet another of his angry outbursts/sending me to Coventry fits.

I've tried so hard to help him - getting him appointments with two different counsellors over the years, and yet they all seem to validate his opinion of himself i.e. that he's a lovely man and that I should be grateful that he works so hard to earn a living for us all. Or at least that's what he claims they tell him. Obviously, I don't know if it's true or not and if he's telling them the truth. I suspect he's not being honest with them because he is an inveterate liar and will never admit to it, even when he tells the most obvious lies to me or the kids.

Any advice, hopeful or not?

OP, I lived this cycle for 20 years. I can only speak from my experience. He didn’t change despite countless declarations. I left. I’m happy. Hope you find happiness, too

They don't change. It's not in their interests to, as long as you keep giving them 'one more chance'

I kicked mine out a decade ago and havent ever looked back

Thanks both of you. I’m not really expecting him to change, but he makes me so confused about what’s really happening and I sometimes feel I’m going mad. Our eldest daughter is beginning to ignore him now, even though he’s never physically violent towards me. I try my best to stop him shouting near the kids, but once he’s in a rage he follows me through the house.

He will never change, though I think this is dawning on you, now.

The only help he needs is packing his bags.

If he's been promising you ever few months for 12 years that he'll change and hasn't, why would this time be any different?

You can change your mind and you do not indeed have to give him any more chances.

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?.

You can only help your own self ultimately; he does not want your help and or support and indeed he has thrown it all back at you. He has lied to you about these counsellors and may have tried to manipulate them into taking his side. Abusive men are never open to being at all counselled.

He remains abusive after 20 years of marriage; he has not changed at all. Your children, particularly the eldest, are being affected by seeing all this abuse within their home which is not the sanctuary it absolutely should be. This is not the legacy you should be leaving your kids. What do you think they are learning from you two about relationships here?. Your own recovery from his abuses of you and in turn them will only properly start when you leave him, permanently this time.

What's different about his promises this time?

He's never going to change because he doesn't want to.

Pretty Vacancy are you the OP? If you change your name back for this thread (just put your old name in the box marked username when you post) it will make it easier for people to understand. OP posts show in blue, yours are white like the rest

It never happened for me. I left 7 yrs ago, happy and healthy now . I wish you all the best, you deserve it 🌸

@WildPoinsettia

Pretty Vacancy are you the OP? If you change your name back for this thread (just put your old name in the box marked username when you post) it will make it easier for people to understand. OP posts show in blue, yours are white like the rest

Sorry, yes, I couldn’t sign in on my work computer for some reason so I reregistered 🤦🏻‍♀️

What you're asking of him is impossible.

Why would anyone who is in a possition of power relinquish that power willingly because they suddenly have grasped the concept of fairness, towards you.

It's not going to happen, not in the way you wish for it to be fair and equal, ever.

If every time he was abusive towards you someone came in and kicked his head in, maybe he would learn through possitive reinforcement, understanding that his maltreatment of you results in maltreatment of him, other than that no, no matter what you do this man will not change.

It is of no benefit to him to change, you accepting that he is selfish, unkind and abusive is more helpful for you going forwards and understanding you are not at fault and do not need to work on making a vile person, kind caring and considerate.

You are wasting your time hoping for change in him.

If you're the kind of person who finds books are helpful, I'd recommend a book by Lundy Bancroft called Should I Stay or Should I Go. I found it really helpful for thinking things through and it has some good stuff on making plans to leave, if you choose to do that.

Sorry, shouldn't try and multitask - I just read your post again and saw you've already read another Lundy Bancroft book. Still recommend Should I Stay - it's very methodical in thinking through your options, and some great stuff for healing and recovering too.

I’ve just ordered it, thank you!

My abuser did not change in 27 years. The only thing an abuser understands is negative consequences to themselves. Abuse is all about power and control.

He might change.

But only when he's old and needy and you may have a reversal of power but you've wasted years of your life.

I’m still so confused. I sometimes feel that I hate him because of the way he treats me, but then he’s nice foe weeks or even months on end and I feel guilty and that I’ve imagined it all. I know on a rational level that I’m being abused, but I keep wondering if I’m making him do it because he says I’m aggressive. I do shout back, but he’s not scared of me like I sometimes am of him, despite him never hitting me. He’s just big and very loud and gets into rages and follows me everywhere if I try to leave the room.

If you think you have the power to control his behaviour, then wouldn't you be getting him to behave well towards you permanently?

You are not causing this.

I’ve just told mine how I’m sick of anything I say he reacts and shouts badly to, he’s not. Bothered speaks nice to cat and treats me like crap

Have YOU been to a therapist OP ?
Or went to couples therapy? So you could get your point across?

DH is very charming and I believe he would also swizz a councillor into thinking he’s got a nagging wife rather than the wife has to live with someone who gaslights and then claims no knowledge

I finally put the foot down with DH after years of normalising his behaviours. He has resisted , but I can see he’s getting slightly better although I can see it’s a struggle for him , and he really resents not being able to act out.
( which in itself pisses me off)
Any time he even puts a toe of of line now, I go bananas and remind him that he’s not got his feet under the table anymore so he’d better think about what he says or does next.
Sometimes it works, sometimes I get flowers.
What I’ve started to say when he is complaining about something IM making him do is “ no,no,no IM not the X problem. YOU are making the X problem “ and it does eventually trickle through and he’s beginning to realise that he has to take responsibility for his actions now.

But you have to be ready to repeat and defend yourself It’s up to you how far you’re willing to go.
I have told DH a lot recently, that I’m not living my life like this and neither is DC.

I feel stupider by the second the more I’m reading, but I’m also grateful to you all for pointing out what should be obvious to me, but definitely isn’t. God, yes, he dotes on our dog and would never raise his voice to him.

I have been to see a therapist in the past, but it’s so expensive that I can’t go back yet. I’m plagued by seeing both sides, his and mine, and although I’m almost certain I’m not aggressive and abusive he always insists he’s the real victim and I end up apologising. He never, ever apologises, even at times like the death of our cat, who I’d had from a kitten. He had a real temper tantrum at me that day and I wished I was burying him, not my lovely little cat.

I feel stupider by the second the more I’m reading, but I’m also grateful to you all for pointing out what should be obvious to me, but definitely isn’t

None of us knew this instinctively, you know. Some people, emotionally stable, healthy people, are taught when they are children. The rest of it learned it by going through it, or seeing someone we love go through it. You're not stupid if you haven't learned a lesson you were never taught.

And some never learn it, so you're a step ahead of them.

I am a therapist with abusive men and they can change but it take real investment on their part and over a significant period of time. It also works better when the relationship has ended and offering second chances hinders the process. As with most behavioural change processes, there needs to be motivation to do so and there is no motivation if the person continues to be let off their poor behaviour. So my advice is he is not going to change whilst he is still with you.

No he will never change leave him. My "parents" have been emotionally abusive for the last 60 years and I really wish I'd gone NC 40 years ago and saved myself horrendous pain and mental suffering.