Can an emotionally abusive husband change?

[BreadGenius]

I've finally come to the end of the road with my emotionally abusive husband and told him so last night, after yet another weekend of sulking, shouting and relentless negativity (him, not me). Today he's 'promising to change'. I'm having a hard time believing in this forthcoming change given that we've been married for twenty years and he's made this promise every few months with depressing regularity.

I've been persuaded to 'give him one more chance', and I will really try, but am I being stupid? Has any abusive man ever changed his behaviour for more than a few months? I used to think that he was a decent man really, because the abusive episodes were often weeks or even months apart. However, having read Lundy Bancroft's 'Why Does He Do That', I've realised that he's simply following the 'abuser's script' and reeling me back in with his decent behaviour after yet another of his angry outbursts/sending me to Coventry fits.

I've tried so hard to help him - getting him appointments with two different counsellors over the years, and yet they all seem to validate his opinion of himself i.e. that he's a lovely man and that I should be grateful that he works so hard to earn a living for us all. Or at least that's what he claims they tell him. Obviously, I don't know if it's true or not and if he's telling them the truth. I suspect he's not being honest with them because he is an inveterate liar and will never admit to it, even when he tells the most obvious lies to me or the kids.

Any advice, hopeful or not?

@Divebar2021

He didn’t have the best childhood

Meanwhile back at the ranch….. are your children having the best childhood then? Living with the man who rants at their mother all through the house. The pair of you are supposed to be modelling good relationships and I’m afraid 50% good and 50% shit isn’t a pass mark on the “good childhood scale” You are altogether directing your energy pointlessly at the wrong person.

My elder daughter has a self contained flat here and the youngest is away at uni. I’ve been with him for longer than twenty years, but only married for twenty, or probably twenty one now I come to think about it. Wedding anniversaries don’t exactly loom large in my thoughts these days.

I do realise I should have left before now and that I’ve not given the girls the best childhoods and I feel guilty about that too, but my husband used to work abroad for years so he wasn’t normally around and things only got bad a few days after he returned so I did my best to hide the conflict from them. I know I’m still culpable though.

No, no, no, no, no, no and no !!!!

@ jonny1265 they may well change once the relationship has ended and they have motivation, but 100% they will not change. Abuse is a character trait and you cannot change your character, once they are back in the comfort zone the abusive traits will slowly but surely creep in again. I think its damaging to suggest they can change, pitentially encouraging a woman to end up right back in the position she no doubt fought very hard to get out of in the first place. They absolutely cannot change indefinitely!! A woman should never be encouraged to go back to an abuser under the disguise that they have changed!

I had a dreadful childhood, made to endure a house like yours, OP. Thanks to the people who produced me, I have PTSD, anxiety and gut problems from being made to endure an environment like you’re inflicting on your kids. All the navel gazing is fine and dandy, but can your kids go anywhere better? Any relative who’d provide a safe, non abusive home for them? That’s where the focus should solely be.

Ah, ok, just saw your newest post under your name change. Your kids have already started getting away from your toxic house, that’s good. Are they in therapy yet?

‘The kids were asleep/they didn’t see most of it/they didn’t know’
They know. And it damages them for life, in a variety of ways.
Cortisol and adrenaline flooding their developing bodies, fear, anger, appeasing the abuser, feeling they have to protect the victim, learning from their example of how men treat women, etc. Fucking brutal.

@PrettyVacancy I was in a very similar relationship to yours but I managed to leave; I won't say it has been easy but the relief of not having to put up with DH's abusive behaviour is huge.

The trouble is these men can be nice, and that's what keeps us with them...and the hope that somehow, magically, they will change.

They won't, so we have to. I have to tell myself repeatedly that even though I miss him, and some of what we had together, I still need to keep walking away. It is so tempting to give it one more try but I'd done that for years and it never worked...maybe now he's on his own he'll sort himself out, but I doubt it. Your DH is exactly the same, he won't do anything whilst he thinks you're still there, so you need to be the one to make the change, as hard as that is. You and your girls deserve a happier life.

Thanks a dollop and I’m sorry that you were in the same position, but really happy for you that you found the strength to leave.

He stomped back inside a while back and said that I needed to find someone for him to see. He really can’t accept that I’m not going to cure his abuse. I’ve explained that it would be like trying to get someone to quit smoking or drinking i.e. that it’s not going to work if I find a therapist for him. He’ll either go to one or two sessions and then stop, or he’ll charm the therapist into thinking he’s wonderful and get her (he always wants a female therapist) to stroke his ego. The lady one actually called him a poor little wounded soldier if I believe what he told me.

I’m going out with friends this afternoon and will manage to forget him whilst I’m out, thank goodness.

He won't change. My XH's second wife was warned that he had abused me, but didn't believe it because he told her that it was my fault. Years later when she was dying she told me that she wished that she had listened and not married him. He was even more abusive to her and vile when she was terminally ill.

That is shocking Whatdrama. What a piece of scum your XH is. My H has been married before and I wish his ex had warned me, although would I have listened? Doubtful. She ended up trying to commit suicide and she was an alcoholic and drug user. How much of that was due to what he put her through I wonder? She was really horrible to me, so of course I believed his crazy ex stories. I no longer believe them.

He's had twenty years to change.

I think you know it's never going to happen.

He stomped back inside a while back and said that I needed to find someone for him to see

What would happen if you told him that he had to sort out finding a therapist?

I think this is back under my new registered name. Sorry for the confusion. I can't log in on this computer under my normal name for some reason, probably due to my own stupidity.

I have told him that it is up to him to find a therapist and that it's not my job. He's just told me that he's emailed someone. Not sure if that's true because he tells so many lies that I automatically discount most things he says after years of being let down and made a fool of. I really hold out very little hope, but I am giving him one more chance to change his belief that he cannot help but abuse me.

I've put a time limit on it this time and am looking at potential houses for myself for the first time ever. I don't want to make my daughter homeless, but I know that I cannot cope with a third decade of being bullied and she agrees.

We’ll done @BreadGenius stick to your timescale and don’t be frightened to shorten it when you’ve suddenly had enough…and looking at houses is good, some of you is ready to move on 👌

Well done. Stick to your guns this time, you and your daughter both deserve better.

I've been reading this thread with interest.

I left my Dh last year, I was deeply unhappy, he was only interested in himself and emotionally abusive.

I had and still am having therapy, Im currently on courses for my self esteem, I've never done so much work on myself.

Myself and Dh cut contact with each other for a period of time. In this time I expected him to go off the rails. He didn't.

• He's in weekly therapy and has been for months. He's stuck at it when I was convinced he wouldn't last more than 2/3 sessions tops.
• He's in regular contact with his gp, he makes his own appointments and goes with whatever the gp suggest. Might sound daft to some but I'm talking about a man that couldn't even do a food shop this time last year.
• He fully admits to abusing me. Its hard, it hurts. He admits he was controlling, through therapy he's learnt about co-dependency. He's ashamed of himself.
• He is deeply sorry, his apologies are sincere. I've been married to him for years, I know him and I know this is sincere. He's made an conscious effort to repair the damage he's done with my family.
• He's dealing with his traumatic childhood, getting answers from his family and unpicking everything in therapy to help him realise why he's become the person he has.
• He lost an extremely close member of his family to suicide years ago. He's kept hold of the ashes and always refused to spread them or put them in a proper resting place. He's currently organising to bury the ashes at our local cemetery.

These things are huge but these things are not easy by any means. To get to this point, Dh had to hit rock bottom and I had to leave him in order to do so, I had to watch him fall apart and do nothing. I then had to cut him out completely to work on myself. Which I did and am continuing to do so.

At this moment, we are still living separately, we have no plans to live together. We speak daily and meet once a week for a coffee or a walk. He now asks me how I am and listens to my response.

BUT through my own therapy, I have my head well and truly screwed on. I am happy for DH that he is sorting his issues however I am not in anyway completely blind that he could easily snap into how he was.

I've got my boundaries - I've learnt how important they are in therapy - and I'm sticking to them. I'm on my own journey, I have goals and so far, Dh is respectful of those and is supportive. If he ever tries to walk all over me then I am done. Dh also has his goals which I will not interfere with.

I have no idea what the future holds for us but this time last year, I never ever imagined we would be like this. I'm taking it day by day and not expecting any sort of miraculous change every time I see him.

Even if he did change op, it is absolutely imperative you have your own therapy. You go on your own journey. You owe it to yourself.

@justtrying11 Thank you for taking the time to post about your experience. I really hope things work out for you and your DH, whatever form that takes. I doubt I will have the same sort of journey with my DH, but it's very interesting to read your story and to realise that, very occasionally, an abusive man can admit to what he's been doing and wish to change it.

He's abusive, he knows how you feel, you've talked him him about his behaviour and he hasn't changed. There's your answer

Most of us will get into a bit of a doom loop now and again, the difference is, you talk it through, realise what's been happening and make steps to change your behaviour or the lifestyle that's causing the behaviour (in my dh case he was working nights, meaning he got crap sleep and was grumpy. We sat and talked it through, he's changed his shifts and he makes sure he gets enough sleep. He also speaks to me now and again to make sure we're still ok)

In your dh case, he's made promise after promise after promise and not done anything. He's not changed because it's all part of the abusers lifecycle. Be nice, be horrid, reel you back in, be horrid again

OP if he's that committed to making changes, can you move out with your dd and your dh can take a path similar to @justtrying11 dh? He gets therapy, whilst you get some well earned peace whilst he sorts himself out. You can then reconcile if he's stuck to his word

[quote BreadGenius]@justtrying11 Thank you for taking the time to post about your experience. I really hope things work out for you and your DH, whatever form that takes. I doubt I will have the same sort of journey with my DH, but it's very interesting to read your story and to realise that, very occasionally, an abusive man can admit to what he's been doing and wish to change it.[/quote]
Sadly I think my story is quite rare. Even my own therapist is shocked at the change in my Dh.

The main thing I would advise here is you get your own therapy. In the months that I thought DH would never change, I learned skills to build my self esteem, to realise MY worth. When you are in an abusive relationship, life is never about you. It's all about them. I'm looking after myself better than I ever have, I've got tattoos to remind me I am strong and I am worthy. I've changed my hair, even had piercings! I'm on courses to build my self esteem...I've done so much. And if I hadn't of done any of this, I can guarantee the minute I saw Dh was changing, I more than likely would of gone back to him. But I'm not and I've no plans too.

We've talked about the possibility of living together again but it's way in the future. DH said himself he has to be sure he won't change back to his old ways and I need my freedom for the time being.

But even if DH hadn't made these changes, therapy has helped me so much. I've learnt about my childhood, I've learnt why I married the man I did. And I can honestly say, I would of been absolutely fine to continue my life without him because I was learning all about myself.

I am continuing my journey alone, DH is doing the same and we will see which direction we go in.

It's long and it's hard op but the only way I feel these men ever rarely change is by leaving, cutting them out of your life and you work on YOU. You have do something to change it for you. I had the empty promises. They mean nothing. You have to take action, it's hard but you need to do this for you. Leave him too it.

People can change (I totally believe that) but they won't unless they hit rock bottom or really want to. If he knows you're always prepared to give him 'One more chance', there's no real incentive or need.

I would suggest it's 'tough love' time. Tell him you're done and that he has to leave. Refuse to budge and then follow through. Start a new life for yourself. If there's even the teeniest desire in him to change, then this will be the stick of dynamite he needs. However, you might just find that life is sweeter without him.

Amazing @justtrying11 you are doing great! And as you say who knows what will happen in the future but whatever it is you are looking after, and out for, yourself now; sounds like your DH is working really hard to sort himself out and all credit to him.

I am separated from my DH in the hope that he will do the same, but whether he does or not, me and DC are healing and getting on with our lives.

@BreadGenius this is def the way forward, take care of yourself

@adollopofthisandthat

Amazing *@justtrying11* you are doing great! And as you say who knows what will happen in the future but whatever it is you are looking after, and out for, yourself now; sounds like your DH is working really hard to sort himself out and all credit to him.

I am separated from my DH in the hope that he will do the same, but whether he does or not, me and DC are healing and getting on with our lives.

@BreadGenius this is def the way forward, take care of yourself

Thank you. I feel so much better and I look so much better too. Being in an unhealthy/abusive relationship is draining, it's suffocating. I'd advise anyone in that situation to get therapy. I've needed it for a long time regardless of what happens in the future.

Op - I wish you all the best. I wouldn't hold your breathe on him getting counselling. I'd go for the house for you and your DD. You are allowed to walk away and put yourself first. You are allowed to prioritise you. You are not doing anything wrong by leaving him. You could end up doing him a huge favour in the long run but don't think of it like that - more importantly you are respecting yourself. Use your free time to build your boundaries. Speak to womens aid, they are fantastic. You can get free therapy through them also.

Keep posting on here, keep a diary - whatever it takes for you to get your story out, your thoughts. I found keeping a daily diary incredibly useful. I still have it but I've recently got a new one for the next chapter in my life whatever that will be.

I wish you all the best - please if anything, just make a change for you and your dd

You know I think it boils down to this - people are innately nice or innately not nice. For the former, being a decent human being is the norm. And yes, they nay deviate from it sometimes but they mostly, are decent, kind, compassionate human beings. The later...well, why would.you want them in your life? Surely the bare minimum in a partner should be that their baseline is 'nice'. Why would you want to spend your life with someone who isn't that? Who struggles to achieve a baseline of basic human decency. Or worse, who has no interest at all in meeting it (despite the lies he may tell when realising you are about to leave).

Life is too short to waste on bad human beings.

I'd advise anyone at this stage of their relationship to ring and speak to Women's Aid. You don't have to be experiencing violence, you don't have to be convinced that it's abuse, you don't have to be wanting to LTB! They will listen and help you work out what you want to do, and supply you with advice, contacts etc to achieve that.