Is this stalking behaviour

[Angrymum22]

DH reconnected with an old ex over the first lockdown. It started off innocently enough and he was initially very open about it but it all got a bit flirty, verging on EA. DH fessed up when ex started visiting our local area, she was actually visiting the small town just up the road from us on the day I was there having my hair done. Anyway the shit hit the fan, and our relationship took a bit of a hit but we got over it. DH accepted he had gone too far, he’s 59 and not of the digital age so didn’t think flirting online was the same as face to face. He does now!
Anyway after unfriending her she joined a few of the private groups he’s on and has been trying to engage with him rather covertly. Liking posts he likes etc. He didn’t block her so we have been able to monitor her activities ( she’s a big sharer). She has visited a number of pubs close to our home, taking photos that you would only recognise if you are a regular customer and posting cryptically on stories and posts.
My question is -

1. Is she focusing on trying to wind me up because I messaged her to ask her to back off when I found out it was becoming more than friendship, and she still feels humiliated/angry that I confronted her

Or

1. Is she batshit, and showing stalking behaviour

From her social media she appears to be a sane, sensible woman. I don’t think I could carry on trying to wind someone (me) up for nearly 18mnths. So I’m worried that after 18mnths of low grade stalking there may be an up shift. DH is wary about blocking her totally because he doesn’t want to escalate her behaviour. He doesn’t remember her behaving like this when they were together ( nearly 40 yrs ago) but who knows. I have started recording everything just in case.

He needs to make it clear he is not interested rather than enjoying the attention. Don't buy the innocent act.

No this isn’t close to stalking or harassment. If anything I’d basically say your/ your DH’s behaviour is completely wtaf are you doing?

1. Your DH is 59 and doesn’t understand that digital is flirting? Seriously? Has he been under a pile of rocks for the past 15 years? Have you?You’re clearly prepared to minimise his behaviour/ absolve him from blame so easily. Why?

2. You messaged her asking her to back off? Did your DH ask her at any point? Having engaged (knowingly - sorry I don’t buy the he didn’t know what he was doing BS) in an EA, did he then boundary the comms/ relationship?

3. has she actually messaged/ made contact (without response) more than twice? More than two unwanted contacts once some is asked to please stop is technically harassment

4. this is the most wtaf moment of your post. You haven’t blocked her because you like to stalk / follow/ monitor her? Are you serious? And you’re coming on here asking if she’s stalking you?

This is my honest assessment. Your DH knew exactly what he was doing. He has you fighting over him (and messaging her telling her to back off) and you then stalking her online following where she is/ what she’s doing. Whilst in the background having engaged in an EA with her, knowing that she has some form of connection to him. He’s getting some sick/ twisted kick out of triangulating you and her and you’re engaging.

Stop. Block her everywhere. If she makes unwanted contact. Make it clear once that is unwanted and she needs to stop (he needs to do this). Then if there is ongoing attempts at contact it is harassment and you can involve the police.

He has. To be fair 2021 has been a pretty shit year for us culminating in me being diagnosed with breast cancer so he has been totally preoccupied with my treatment and recovery. He has not interacted with her, but we do occasionally check on her social media feed to see if she is still visiting the area. I spotted her pulling out of the road opposite ours last summer, we live very rurally and I was surprised see her since she lives an hour away from us. He didn’t believe me so checked her social media and she had posted a photo of herself in our local pub (very much off the beaten track.

Oh and stop making this about her. Focus the time and attention on your DH / your relationship and why he felt the need to message/ reconnect with an ex and conduct an EA.

This happened because of him. And if he had boundaries he would have her blocked and not be playing this messed up game of checking her stories/ posts. It’s beyond weird and I cannot get my head round how you think she’s stalking you.

@Angrymum22 she is a free citizen and has every right to be in any pub. She could be in your area for a multitude of reasons. That could be to bump into your DH/ you. It could be to see someone else. Block her everywhere.

I don’t need to say much because @Starrynamechange has pretty much covered it. She’s not stalking you she’s going to places that you know. It’s interesting how you’ve made it all about her and not about him. I can assure you flirting is flirting whether it’s online or in person and people of all age know this. If you’re going to give your DH the benefit of the doubt that “he didn’t know” why not apply the same logic to her? I would block her from all your social media and stop looking at what she’s doing.

Sorry he is very much a digital dinosaur. He can make a phone call and write a text but for anything else he just hands me the phone. He’s very dyslexic so struggles with anything that requires more than switching on or off. He is a terrible flirt but that has never bothered me because it’s always been in real life and boundaries are much more obvious. He texts two or three people in real life, all men.
This is not really a question about his behaviour. He has accepted responsibility and made it clear that it was a bit of flirting and ego stroking and when she has tried to make contact has ignored.

Then we have to agree to disagree. It is about his behaviour. He’s a digital dinosaur and yet he managed to conduct an online EA? Really? I’m sorry but the only person in clear denial of your DH and who he is is you.

Sorry if I’m coming across as harsh but I’ve had my fill of threads with women hammering other women and letting the man (who cheated on you in this instance) off the hook. He’s emotionally manipulating you. And getting a kick out of this.

His wife is now checking where is EA partner is and whether she is stalking him. . And the fact is you and he are digitally stalking her. Boundary the situation and block her.

If you try and involve the police (and you genuinely think there is a risk she is stalking you), this is one of the first questions they will ask. Is she blocked? Everywhere. And if not? Why not?

OK point taken. Perhaps I’m a little over sensitive. We had 10yrs of harassment which we eventually took legal action over. Again a perfectly normal individual who made life difficult for us. We have them the benefit of the doubt for far too long. Maybe we just attract weirdos.

I think you’ve probably got bigger issues if you’re not very well at the moment. Block her everywhere and move on. Good luck with your treatment.

Not sure I’m buying that your DH is a “digital dinosaur” if he was able to have an EA affair online without handing you the phone… why are we always so ready to make out like men are helpless and useless?

Also, she is in no way stalking you. If anything, you are stalking her. She will be able to see if you are viewing her Instagram stories, even if you are not friends on there. She happens to be in the area that you live. As she has not made any further contact with either yourself or your DH, it is fairly safe to assume that she’s probably not interested.

Hi @Angrymum22

Firstly I'm very sorry you've been ill and I hope you're doing ok. This with the woman is the last thing you need.

I don't think you attract weirdos. I think you may just be sensitive to the idea of being targeted.

With this woman: she may well think that he would love to carry on, but you've intervened. So she thinks he does like her, but you've put up a barrier. So she may be putting herself in his path in the hope of a chance meeting.

Not blocking her on anything has given a mixed message. It's allowed her to presume he still wants a connection of some sort.

She isn't stalking as she hasn't approached you or done anything or directly menaced or contacted you or him. Nor has she ever been asked to stop. You can't dictate where she can go. She's actually done nothing.

I'm afraid you possibly can't even be certain he hasn't had any further conversation with her.

It's pretty simple what has to happen. Total removal of her on everything. Block her number etc. And forget she ever existed.

Her posts may be an attempt at a wind-up, the two fingers up at you, and/or a message to him that she always ready when he is. But either way, you should focus on your life and health and excise her from it completely.

59 and doesn't understand that online flirting is actual flirting .

You are minimising his behaviour, OP.

OP i am sorry you had a bad experience in the past.

I am also sorry that your husband cheated on you.

I really think you should listen to Starry though.
It is beyond weird that:

1. This woman is not blocked EVERYWHERE
2. You are checking her social media and cross referencing her activities etc

If anything, you are exhibiting stalker-like behaviour.

I don’t mean to be horrible but honestly just block and work on your marriage.

Also i wish you a full recovery

Sorry he is very much a digital dinosaur. He can make a phone call and write a text but for anything else he just hands me the phone. He’s very dyslexic so struggles with anything that requires more than switching on or off.

But he managed an EA online OP. Remember that. He's not as much of a dinosaur as he claims to be.

He needs to block her. You need to block her. Stop looking at her social media.

Thankyou I have been lucky and cannot praise the NHS enough.
I have had far too much time on my hands so perhaps overthinking. I have always been very respectful of other peoples relationships so struggle to understand why people think it’s ok to step on others toes.
When DH finished with his last ex (30yrs ago) I was careful not to show any interest until 18mnths later. Maybe I’m old fashioned.

Sorry you have been ill. I missed that bit. But still find it hard to believe that a 59 year old man is such a dinosaur.

Yup. Agree with what everyone else has said. You are stalking her.

You need to block her, forget she exists, just don’t give her another thought and focus on your own lives.

I will follow advice and block her.

I agree that is anything you are stalking her.

This woman is allowed to do what she wants. She's not married to you. Maybe she doesn't understand what she sis doing either. Perhaps she's adding herself to groups, liking posts and ending up in your local pub completely unaware of how it happened...bumbling through life blaming everyone else for her misdemeanours.

'Not of the digital age' at 59 is absolutely preposterous. My mother is 78 and sets off her vacuum from her ipad. He's never going to navigate through the next thirty years if he's this behind with technology already.

Your illness takes precedent here and I’m sorry your husband’s behaviour is adding to what must already be a difficult and stressful time.
I think that as your husband ‘fessed up’ as you say, then he did realise he was flirting and he did realise it had got out of hand. Yes, there are people who think cheating is only face to face and even that as long as you don’t have sex it’s not cheating to go out with / even kiss other people. They do, however, tend to be people who know they’re very much in the wrong and want to minimise it to either exonerate themselves or in some cases turn the blame to you and make out you are overreacting. Obviously your husband didn’t do that but he did minimalise. If he knows he flirts face to face with women he must know that it makes no difference whether the words he used are spoken or written down. Tech dinosaurs struggle with the actual tech itself and tech terminology, being a tech dinosaur doesn’t remove your grasp of the meaning of words in your native tongue.
Anyhow, he fessed up rather than his it all and is now focussing on you, which is great as it is exactly what you should both doing.
You both need to block her and put it in the past now. What he did and her proximity will no doubt have attacked your trust, so I’m not surprised you feel the need to see where she has been or where she is. But you need to stop. Trouble is, by following her moves, you are actually stalking her! Your husband is also able to retain an interest and get an ego stroking again if he thinks she’s doing it deliberately! Exes can stir up memories of youth and days of less responsibility and routine, one of mine popped up out of the woodwork when Friends Reunited started and made it clear what he wanted from the get-go. He was a deluded knob forty years ago and clearly still is!
Block and ignore OP. If she is doing it deliberately she’ll get bored. I wouldn’t want my husband checking up on her whereabouts after he’d confessed to flirting either. If she keeps making unwanted contact, however, that is stalking and a different matter. Block, ignore, move on and get well soon. X

@Angrymum22

Thankyou I have been lucky and cannot praise the NHS enough. I have had far too much time on my hands so perhaps overthinking. I have always been very respectful of other peoples relationships so struggle to understand why people think it’s ok to step on others toes. When DH finished with his last ex (30yrs ago) I was careful not to show any interest until 18mnths later. Maybe I’m old fashioned.

You are still making this about her. Your DH had an emotional affair with her. He is the one who is married to you. The fact that you waited 18 months after he split with his ex is irrelevant. He didn’t even wait to split up with you to pursue her…

Leave the poor woman alone, block her on everything and focus on looking after yourself.
If you have forgiven your husband for the EA, you need to move on and forget about this woman for your own sake x

Both of you need to block her, on all social media that you're on (Whatsapp, facebook, instagram, linkedin) then check your settings and see exactly who can see your posts.

Any temptation to message her/contact her on your part should probably be nipped in the bud, it may only add fuel to her fire. Does she know your address?

She knows you follow her movements and is deliberately visiting places nearby (no reason why she can’t) to wind you up and get her own back for being warned off! Blocking her will be much more frustrating for her.

@Angrymum22

He has. To be fair 2021 has been a pretty shit year for us culminating in me being diagnosed with breast cancer so he has been totally preoccupied with my treatment and recovery. He has not interacted with her, but we do occasionally check on her social media feed to see if she is still visiting the area. I spotted her pulling out of the road opposite ours last summer, we live very rurally and I was surprised see her since she lives an hour away from us. He didn’t believe me so checked her social media and she had posted a photo of herself in our local pub (very much off the beaten track.

for your treatment.

You might be overthinking or have anxiety because of your treatment. Or your instincts might be correct. A single friend of mine offered “support” to a friend’s husband when his wife got cancer as it was a stressful time for him. Looking back, she was trying it on with him. You don’t need this extra stress. Ask your DH how he can demonstrate that the EA is over. The book “Not Just Friends” by Shirley Glass has been recommended on here before.