Is this stalking behaviour

[Angrymum22]

DH reconnected with an old ex over the first lockdown. It started off innocently enough and he was initially very open about it but it all got a bit flirty, verging on EA. DH fessed up when ex started visiting our local area, she was actually visiting the small town just up the road from us on the day I was there having my hair done. Anyway the shit hit the fan, and our relationship took a bit of a hit but we got over it. DH accepted he had gone too far, he’s 59 and not of the digital age so didn’t think flirting online was the same as face to face. He does now!
Anyway after unfriending her she joined a few of the private groups he’s on and has been trying to engage with him rather covertly. Liking posts he likes etc. He didn’t block her so we have been able to monitor her activities ( she’s a big sharer). She has visited a number of pubs close to our home, taking photos that you would only recognise if you are a regular customer and posting cryptically on stories and posts.
My question is -

1. Is she focusing on trying to wind me up because I messaged her to ask her to back off when I found out it was becoming more than friendship, and she still feels humiliated/angry that I confronted her

Or

1. Is she batshit, and showing stalking behaviour

From her social media she appears to be a sane, sensible woman. I don’t think I could carry on trying to wind someone (me) up for nearly 18mnths. So I’m worried that after 18mnths of low grade stalking there may be an up shift. DH is wary about blocking her totally because he doesn’t want to escalate her behaviour. He doesn’t remember her behaving like this when they were together ( nearly 40 yrs ago) but who knows. I have started recording everything just in case.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

DH like many men didn't consider flirting with an ex online as cheating, he does now and has owned it and blocked her.

1. This isn't what 'most men' think, I don't know why you think that's the case?

1. I bet he would consider it cheating if you did it.

Most men who grew up without texting. We missed the boat. The only way you could communicate when we met was face to face or by a proper phone call. He would see it as flirting but not cheating. Again different generation. Maybe flirting has gone out of fashion.

Had a discussion about her ruining my marriage and that she needed to leave us alone.

Your husband was the one who ruined your marriage. 🙄

@Hiddenvoice

I found out my dh was having an EA. I was hurt and contacted her myself. Had a discussion about her ruining my marriage and that she needed to leave us alone. DH and I worked incredibly hard to save our marriage but this woman would still find a way to contact him. He blocked her on everything but she would get a new phone or email and contact him. He had to be the one to tell her to back off because he wasn’t interested. He apologised to me and to her because he messed with her feelings. She was also in a relationship but she became so infatuated with him that she was hurt when it ended. She visited places that he liked to feel close to him again and tk maybe bump into him. It all ended when he messaged her and then changed his phone number etc. This was quite a few years now and we’ve got past it thankfully. He’s very open with his technology- not thag j feel the need to check anything. I think the whole not being friends on social media led this woman to think he was single. DH and I spend a lot of time together but we still are friends online etc

This is almost exactly what has happened. Interesting that your DHs ow felt the need to be close to him by visiting places he frequented.

@baileys6904

Op you have forgotten the unwritten rule on here that men are arsehole, do everything on purpose unless it's something positive, in which case it was accidental. All relationships that have the remotest hiccup should end and we should all be single and Independant forever.

I'm sorry for your illness and wish you every happiness in the future. I don't think either behaviour counts as stalking, although half of this forum usually condone that when it fits the chosen narrative. Ignore the woman, you have bigger things on your plate and you do whatever makes you happy, either with or without your DH. I hope he's learnt from this, but just remember, you live with him and see his actions. No one on here does. There are always anomalies to patterns. Just take care of yourself x

Thank you. Like you I often try to post pps that go against the usual attitude. Maybe because I don’t need to be with DH but want to be with him is an alien concept. The ability to forgive seems to be a disappearing quality. I have done a few things throughout our relationship that many would not forgive under the rule of mns. I chose to forgive DH. Maybe I am weird.

I jumped the gun and contacted her before confronting him. I initially asked him to leave, but that wasn’t possible in the middle of lockdown. A we were forced to talk it through. Why shouldn’t I be the big bad wife, I am!
I didn’t need to do the dance.
My only communication was to inform her that he was still married. I didn’t slag her of or rant. I was polite and to the point. I didn’t even swear.

Nobody should ever need to be the big bad wife. Spouses aren't helpless assets to be protected from all these dangerous people throwing themselves at them

The fact you contacted her before you confronted him also suggests you caught him? How did you find out? Your original post gave me the impression that he felt so guilty he openly confessed but this now doesn't seem to be the case at all?

Hence why you're seen as the one spoiling the fun. If he hasn't been caught it would still be happening (and most likely would have escalated)

My only communication was to inform her that he was still married.

Shouldn't that have come from him?

The more you post and the more you excuse his behaviour, the more I'm thinking he was just sorry he got caught, rather than sorry for what he did.

Anyway thank you all for your contributions. I know I have to let it go and move on. Let’s hope she does too.

@DiddyHeck

My only communication was to inform her that he was still married.

Shouldn't that have come from him?

The more you post and the more you excuse his behaviour, the more I'm thinking he was just sorry he got caught, rather than sorry for what he did.

Exactly and the first post says it started off innocently and escalated from there. Surely at some point during this "innocent" conversation before the flirting he would have mentioned he was married.....unless he specifically didn't want her to know (in which case it didn't start innocently at all).

In any case, you sound lovely OP. I think we're all just frustrated that you can't see the extent of what he's done and are mis-directing your hurt/anger at the ex

I hope you are recovering well from your illness and take care

Oh my DH didn’t come off lightly. And no when I discovered the conversation he had carefully not mentioned me. This was a real problem for me at the time but at least he didn’t play the”my wife doesn’t understand me card”. I am not defending his actions and he is totally to blame for the mess he caused on our relationship but as I’ve said before it wasn’t the absolute end. However his ex has sailed through the whole thing without her reputation or relationship sullied. I don’t agree with revenge so resisted the temptation to contact her DH. Perhaps I’ve let her get away with murder but I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if it destroyed her family unnecessarily since DH was adamant that he was not going anywhere with it. Fool I may be but vindictive home wrecker I’m not.

However his ex has sailed through the whole thing without her reputation or relationship sullied.

Why are you talking about reputations though? Only one more person knows about your husband's behaviour than about her behaviour - that person is you. So your husband's reputation hasn't been sullied, other than to you, and this his fault.

This hasn't been something everyone knows about where he's been painted as a villain and she's an unnamed party. Nobody knows about any of this other than you three.

His relationship has absolutely been damaged because of his actions. That's not on her - she didn't even know he was married for ages!

No, there were a number of people close to us who know. He accepted that I needed support and was happy for them to know. So he has had to accept that his reputation amongst those whose opinion he values has been effected.

She basically blamed me for spoiling their fun

Personally I'd wonder if he's been doing the same, whether you have evidence of it or not
There's a lot of "I told him" and "I told her" such-and-such in your posts and very little about his own input - especially bearing in mind that you discovered this instead of him coming clean

I'm very sorry you have health worries (as PPs have said you really don't need this as well) but I'd also doubt you have the full story here

He accepted that I needed support and was happy for them to know.

How gracious of him 🙄

People are being exceptionally rude and nasty to @Angrymum22.. she has come
On here for advice. There's no need to be so rude. She's clearly gone through a terrible time with it all. I agree that what her husband done is unacceptable but my good god - imagine feeling really down about something and having you lot making it 40000 times worse!!!!

I hope that you are ok @Angrymum22, and if it's any consolation - I think the ex's behaviour is mental and I would be seething!!!

RLou thank you. The view of men can be very polarised at times on mumsnet.

@Angrymum22 I'm sorry that you have been ill and your husband's behaviour has not been good at a time when you really need his support. But I am just wondering if he has actually told her that he does not want a relationship with her? I know that you have but has HE. Because that would go some way to explain why she is maybe hanging around your local area in the hope of seeing him. How do you know that they are not still in touch? And what are his thoughts on the whole thing? You say that you occasionally look at her social media together - who initiates that?
Like other posters I don't get from what you have written that your dh takes responsibility for the situation and he seems happy for you to be left feeling torn up about it.

@Angrymum22 I’m back with my husband after his affair that would have mumsnetters collectively howling and wringing their hands. You know your husband has been an a’hole, you don’t need mumsnetters to tell you that over and over.

Ime the other person who has an emotional or sexual affairs can become obsessed with the cheat. They do write pointed messages on SM and turn up in places where they believe they might get a chance to see them. They’ve built the fantasy narrative up in their heads to truly believe this is the one.

But all these things happen when the line has not been drawn clearly in the sand.

Your husband needs to block this woman from all his social media AND add you. Not having you on his media sends a very funny message to her.

You need to work as a pair to show that you are a team and that you are rebuilding your walls around your marriage.

I think someone suggested ‘not just friends’ by Shirley Glass, great book to start thinking about whether your husband is as remorseful as you believe he is!

Good luck!

What others said. I can well imagine OW is turning up to the local pub etc for her own ends - a chance to bump into your husband, shit stir, play out a fantasy, whatever - but you're letting her occupy space in your head rent-free, as the saying goes. Stop looking at her SM. Direct all your energy, the both of you, into your marriage.

I had a painful fall out with a friend a year ago. She now follows me (physically and digitally) in various ways - not stalking, but just regular deliberate reminders that she's there/knows where to find me. It's a thing people do unfortunately.

I’m honestly so fed up with people repeatedly posting judgement on threads like this that most mnet posters would be ‘howling and wringing their hands’ because posters have stayed with a spouse after an affair.

Nowhere have I said that and nor have I seen (sorry if I’ve missed it), any judgement that the Op has stayed with her husband. I bluntly couldn’t care less.

What I’ve called her posts out on (as have others) is that a) she seems to have given her husband a very easy get our of jail free card by claiming that he so technologically incompetent he is unaware he was conducting an online affair. Even though he actually engaged in one 🙄. b) pointing out that the harassment/ stalking is actually right now being done by the OP and her DH (before they blocked this woman) as they are monitoring her.

She may well be intentionally putting herself in places to bump into him. Equally she may be in certain places because it’s completely unrelated to him. We don’t know. Nor does the OP. But if this is indeed the beginning of stalking/ harassment then the woman needs to be blocked asap. Everywhere. That’s it, that’s what i said. And if the OP spoke to the police, they would advise the exact same.

No judgement, handwringing or howling here. Stop projecting.

Really I’m projecting. Don’t think I even mentioned anyone in particular on this thread, and certainly not you Starry.

I offered advice to the OP which was RELEVANT to her situation. You offered yours. End of.

Who's projecting, if not all the mumsnetters that can decide the character make up of a man from a few lines on a Web page. I don't know if your posts are normally measured or not, but there are so many on here that just wait to jump on any man posts on here and perhaps some other members are fed up of it.

So if any people on here are projecting, I'm not sure youre looking at the right side of the debate

You haven't let it go and moved in if yiu still check her social media.

Its far more likely that she has good reason to be in the area. Rather than driving round hoping she sees him or to collect photos to try and secretly communicate with him on fb. She wasn't humiliated by you contacting her. She likey thought it was all a bit odd which is why she replied the way she did.

I have to say 'we aren't friends on fb because we already have mutual friends' does seem odd.

I don't think moving past it is a bad thing as such. But you have let it go with your husband. But not with her.

You have a raft of reasons it wasn't really his fault bur know painting her as some stalker who can't let it go and letting that eat you up.

Lots of bores on MN who love finding an OP to berate and put down, usually for some pedantic reason. They also all repeat each other like nodding dogs!

In agreement with Baileys, basically.

And wishing you health OP