Is this stalking behaviour

[Angrymum22]

DH reconnected with an old ex over the first lockdown. It started off innocently enough and he was initially very open about it but it all got a bit flirty, verging on EA. DH fessed up when ex started visiting our local area, she was actually visiting the small town just up the road from us on the day I was there having my hair done. Anyway the shit hit the fan, and our relationship took a bit of a hit but we got over it. DH accepted he had gone too far, he’s 59 and not of the digital age so didn’t think flirting online was the same as face to face. He does now!
Anyway after unfriending her she joined a few of the private groups he’s on and has been trying to engage with him rather covertly. Liking posts he likes etc. He didn’t block her so we have been able to monitor her activities ( she’s a big sharer). She has visited a number of pubs close to our home, taking photos that you would only recognise if you are a regular customer and posting cryptically on stories and posts.
My question is -

1. Is she focusing on trying to wind me up because I messaged her to ask her to back off when I found out it was becoming more than friendship, and she still feels humiliated/angry that I confronted her

Or

1. Is she batshit, and showing stalking behaviour

From her social media she appears to be a sane, sensible woman. I don’t think I could carry on trying to wind someone (me) up for nearly 18mnths. So I’m worried that after 18mnths of low grade stalking there may be an up shift. DH is wary about blocking her totally because he doesn’t want to escalate her behaviour. He doesn’t remember her behaving like this when they were together ( nearly 40 yrs ago) but who knows. I have started recording everything just in case.

Your husband hasn't blocked her for a reason.

Thankyou. Fortunately she’s nothing of my health problems DH never discussed his relationship with her. I think initially she assumed he was single which is why is messaged her. DH and I are not friends on social media, we don’t see the point since being semi retired we spend plenty of time together. All the flirting happened nearly two years ago and finished soon after it started which is why I am puzzled that she is still hanging around. But I have followed the advice and we will draw a line under it so hopefully she will fade away.

You are focussing on her, when only your husband has lied to you, had an EA and let you down. Not understanding tech is not an excuse. He knows what flirting is, unless he's completely stupid. He's convinced you that she's somehow tricked and lured him in to it, the poor victim that he is. Of course he knew what he was doing.

And you are the ones stalking her. He wants to keep an eye on her? Seriously? Does that not bother you. If you have forgiven him (he's the one who wronged you) then you should move on. There is no evidence she's stalking you.

I imagine it's been convenient for your DH that you've demonised her and he's now the innocent victim whose lying and emotional cheating seem to have been forgotten.

I haven’t really demonised. On the face of it she seems a popular lovely person and we’d probably get along in different circumstances it just her rather strange behaviour that makes me uncomfortable.
DH like many men didn't consider flirting with an ex online as cheating, he does now and has owned it and blocked her.

@Angrymum22

I haven’t really demonised. On the face of it she seems a popular lovely person and we’d probably get along in different circumstances it just her rather strange behaviour that makes me uncomfortable. DH like many men didn't consider flirting with an ex online as cheating, he does now and has owned it and blocked her.

He knew what he was doing OP. He knew it was inappropriate.

"DH like many men didn't consider flirting with an ex online as cheating" this is absolute rubbish.

The fact he just 'hands you the phone' is not being a digital dinosaur it being a lazy fucker -the modern equivalent of breaking a glass so you don't have to wash up

DH like many men didn't consider flirting with an ex online as cheating, he does now and has owned it and blocked her.

1. This isn't what 'most men' think, I don't know why you think that's the case?

1. I bet he would consider it cheating if you did it.

'Strange behaviour' such as talking to a man that she thought was single? Then liking some social media posts he also liked and going to a pub an hour away from her home?

There is only the being on your street that I could count as strange.

DH like many men didn't consider flirting with an ex online as cheating
Whether it is or it isn't he did it and he's getting your forgiveness whereas this woman is deemed inappropriate with her behaviour and she isn't married at all.

"Woman goes to pub and goes on Facebook"

Is she focusing on trying to wind me up because I messaged her to ask her to back off when I found out it was becoming more than friendship, and she still feels humiliated/angry that I confronted her

I am actually cringing that you did this. WTF were you thinking? Your husband is not a child and not your possession. How grossly inappropriate and downright creepy of you.

Maybe we just attract weirdos.

Have a look at who the common denominators are. That would be you and your husband.

Your DH seems to have gone to a lot of trouble tomake and continue contact with this ex, given as you say, he is dyslexic and struggles with technology.

I don't think he's as innocent or as technologically incapable as you believe.

@Aquamarine1029

Is she focusing on trying to wind me up because I messaged her to ask her to back off when I found out it was becoming more than friendship, and she still feels humiliated/angry that I confronted her

I am actually cringing that you did this. WTF were you thinking? Your husband is not a child and not your possession. How grossly inappropriate and downright creepy of you.

Maybe we just attract weirdos.

Have a look at who the common denominators are. That would be you and your husband.

If I found out some slag was coming after my husband I'd tell her to fuck right off too.

@P1ainJanine

Your DH seems to have gone to a lot of trouble tomake and continue contact with this ex, given as you say, he is dyslexic and struggles with technology.

I don't think he's as innocent or as technologically incapable as you believe.

I agree with this totally.

Also, whose idea was it for you and your DH to not be friends on social media? I think that's pretty strange. I mean fair enough not to post on each others but to not be friends at all?

Maybe you're stalking the wrong person?

She is married with a close grown up family, who seem to live a happy comfortable life. This is why I can’t understand why she would risk losing it all. I warned her off because I thought DH was totally out of order and she needed to know he wasn’t a free agent, nothing about the way he presented himself suggested otherwise. It was despicable behaviour on his part, but she was not in the least bit angry with him. She basically blamed me for spoiling their fun. I suppose this is what stuck with me. DH is deeply ashamed of his behaviour and we have rebuilt.

Maybe we are the weird ones.

I admit that I have probably taken more interest than I should have but with our previous experience, before social media, we totally ignored it, didn’t discuss it with anyone. But the person involved just didn’t go away. They would drive past our house, phone us day and night, both at home and work. Caused serious damage to my car (threw acid all over it while I was at work) and sent a card congratulating me on my miscarriage amongst other things. At no point did we reveal any of this to family or friends. However I had some conversations with mutual friends telling me that I needed to stop behaving inappropriately. I realised that the person harassing us was projecting her behaviour on to me. But we just moved on and after 10 yrs it petered out. When I look back I can’t believe we let it go.

Social media seems to make us much less tolerant and gives us easy access to people we really shouldn’t engage with.

I am a health professional so I am very careful about my personal life. I have to be very careful about social media, one of the reasons DH and I are not connected on social media is to prevent misuse of social media by patients.
I have to appear sane and professional on social media, no witty ranting as per restaurant owners on trip advisors. If I breech any professional body rules I loose my registration and cannot work.
I’m definitely overthinking but it’s not something I have been able to talk through with anyone. An anonymous forum gives me somewhere to vent and cogitate without being seen as a nutter by those who really know me.
I don’t mind being insulted by mns.

If I found out some slag was coming after my husband I'd tell her to fuck right off too.

@blacksax OP has already said that this woman thought her DP was single when she first messaged. So she did nothing wrong.

OPs DP then proceeded to flirt back making him more in the wrong than the single woman

Personally if I found out my DP was flirting with an ex, I certainly wouldn't be telling anyone but my DP to fuck off.

However, as OP chose to stay in the relationship, her DP should have been telling his ex to back off and blocking her. If I was ever in a position where I felt another woman was threatening my relationship, id expect my DP to deal - I wouldn't be sending threats on his behalf.

And just to add to the countless OPs, someone capable of having an online EA isn't a technophobe unable to use a phone without handing it over to his partner - it's a complete contradiction. He's absolutely loving this and the fact that you're now helping him to stalk her online is a whole other level of messed up.

And what does him being dyslexic have to do with it?? Does nobody who is dyslexic ever cheat??

I am a health professional so I am very careful about my personal life. I have to be very careful about social media, one of the reasons DH and I are not connected on social media is to prevent misuse of social media by patients.
I have to appear sane and professional on social media, no witty ranting as per restaurant owners on trip advisors. If I breech any professional body rules I loose my registration and cannot work.

If he was incompetent as you claim none of this would be an issue. If he was as nice as you claim it wouldn't be an issue either.

If I found out some slag was coming after my husband I'd tell her to fuck right off too.

If he was encouraging a woman by flirting with her I'd be telling him to fuck right off.

You can't accuse someone of being a slag because they're flattered or responsive to flirting.

In fact, you shouldn't call women slags full stop. How grim.

Your reason for not being friends on fb doesn't seem to add up as you can keep your friends list private. Even my friends can't see who else I'm friends with, let alone strangers

That aside, is there a reason his relationship status doesn't say "married"

@girlmom21

If I found out some slag was coming after my husband I'd tell her to fuck right off too.

If he was encouraging a woman by flirting with her I'd be telling him to fuck right off.

You can't accuse someone of being a slag because they're flattered or responsive to flirting.

In fact, you shouldn't call women slags full stop. How grim.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I warned her off because I thought DH was totally out of order and she needed to know he wasn’t a free agent, nothing about the way he presented himself suggested otherwise. It was despicable behaviour on his part, but she was not in the least bit angry with him. She basically blamed me for spoiling their fun. I suppose this is what stuck with me. DH is deeply ashamed of his behaviour and we have rebuilt.

If your DH had warned her off himself none of this would have been an issue. No wonder it came across as you spoiling their fun. The approach you took has given her the impression that he was enjoying them being in contact and loving the flirting but the big bad wife has come along and put a stop to it.

If he was as deeply ashamed as you claim, he'd have told her to back off himself. A simple message such as "sorry this has got out of hand. I've had a reality check and realised how badly I have behaved. I love my wife and it would be inappropriate for us to continue to communicate" then immediately block

Instead he's enjoying you 2 fighting over him like a prized possession

@girlmom21

If I found out some slag was coming after my husband I'd tell her to fuck right off too.

If he was encouraging a woman by flirting with her I'd be telling him to fuck right off.

You can't accuse someone of being a slag because they're flattered or responsive to flirting.

In fact, you shouldn't call women slags full stop. How grim.

Well said!

Most of DHs fb is sports related and we pretty much share the same friends so don’t see the need to be fb friends. We are old fashioned and communicate almost completely in person with the odd phone call or text when needed. We met and got to know each other before mobile phones so have never really digitised our relationship. DH did ask me if I as ok with him friending his name x from when he was a teenager, since I have a couple of very old flames I keep in touch with I didn’t see it as a problem. He also has a few past gf on his friends lists but has never defaulted back to the teenage boy like he did with this ex. Maybe lockdown fever had a part to play, I think most of us had far too much time to reflect and think about our past. I just don’t understand how he snapped out of it but she didn’t.

I found out my dh was having an EA.
I was hurt and contacted her myself. Had a discussion about her ruining my marriage and that she needed to leave us alone.
DH and I worked incredibly hard to save our marriage but this woman would still find a way to contact him.
He blocked her on everything but she would get a new phone or email and contact him.
He had to be the one to tell her to back off because he wasn’t interested. He apologised to me and to her because he messed with her feelings. She was also in a relationship but she became so infatuated with him that she was hurt when it ended. She visited places that he liked to feel close to him again and tk maybe bump into him.
It all ended when he messaged her and then changed his phone number etc.
This was quite a few years now and we’ve got past it thankfully. He’s very open with his technology- not thag j feel the need to check anything.
I think the whole not being friends on social media led this woman to think he was single.
DH and I spend a lot of time together but we still are friends online etc

I just don’t understand how he snapped out of it but she didn’t

Because he was the one who got caught by his partner, so had to in order to stay with you.

She wasn't caught by hers so had less to lose in continuing.

Op you have forgotten the unwritten rule on here that men are arsehole, do everything on purpose unless it's something positive, in which case it was accidental. All relationships that have the remotest hiccup should end and we should all be single and Independant forever.

I'm sorry for your illness and wish you every happiness in the future. I don't think either behaviour counts as stalking, although half of this forum usually condone that when it fits the chosen narrative. Ignore the woman, you have bigger things on your plate and you do whatever makes you happy, either with or without your DH. I hope he's learnt from this, but just remember, you live with him and see his actions. No one on here does. There are always anomalies to patterns. Just take care of yourself x

@bongobingo43

I warned her off because I thought DH was totally out of order and she needed to know he wasn’t a free agent, nothing about the way he presented himself suggested otherwise. It was despicable behaviour on his part, but she was not in the least bit angry with him. She basically blamed me for spoiling their fun. I suppose this is what stuck with me. DH is deeply ashamed of his behaviour and we have rebuilt.

If your DH had warned her off himself none of this would have been an issue. No wonder it came across as you spoiling their fun. The approach you took has given her the impression that he was enjoying them being in contact and loving the flirting but the big bad wife has come along and put a stop to it.

If he was as deeply ashamed as you claim, he'd have told her to back off himself. A simple message such as "sorry this has got out of hand. I've had a reality check and realised how badly I have behaved. I love my wife and it would be inappropriate for us to continue to communicate" then immediately block

Instead he's enjoying you 2 fighting over him like a prized possession

I jumped the gun and contacted her before confronting him. I initially asked him to leave, but that wasn’t possible in the middle of lockdown. A we were forced to talk it through. Why shouldn’t I be the big bad wife, I am! I didn’t need to do the dance. My only communication was to inform her that he was still married. I didn’t slag her of or rant. I was polite and to the point. I didn’t even swear.