Is this stalking behaviour

[Angrymum22]

DH reconnected with an old ex over the first lockdown. It started off innocently enough and he was initially very open about it but it all got a bit flirty, verging on EA. DH fessed up when ex started visiting our local area, she was actually visiting the small town just up the road from us on the day I was there having my hair done. Anyway the shit hit the fan, and our relationship took a bit of a hit but we got over it. DH accepted he had gone too far, he’s 59 and not of the digital age so didn’t think flirting online was the same as face to face. He does now!
Anyway after unfriending her she joined a few of the private groups he’s on and has been trying to engage with him rather covertly. Liking posts he likes etc. He didn’t block her so we have been able to monitor her activities ( she’s a big sharer). She has visited a number of pubs close to our home, taking photos that you would only recognise if you are a regular customer and posting cryptically on stories and posts.
My question is -

1. Is she focusing on trying to wind me up because I messaged her to ask her to back off when I found out it was becoming more than friendship, and she still feels humiliated/angry that I confronted her

Or

1. Is she batshit, and showing stalking behaviour

From her social media she appears to be a sane, sensible woman. I don’t think I could carry on trying to wind someone (me) up for nearly 18mnths. So I’m worried that after 18mnths of low grade stalking there may be an up shift. DH is wary about blocking her totally because he doesn’t want to escalate her behaviour. He doesn’t remember her behaving like this when they were together ( nearly 40 yrs ago) but who knows. I have started recording everything just in case.

[quote MyPretttyRedDress]@Angrymum22 I'm sorry that you have been ill and your husband's behaviour has not been good at a time when you really need his support. But I am just wondering if he has actually told her that he does not want a relationship with her? I know that you have but has HE. Because that would go some way to explain why she is maybe hanging around your local area in the hope of seeing him. How do you know that they are not still in touch? And what are his thoughts on the whole thing? You say that you occasionally look at her social media together - who initiates that?
Like other posters I don't get from what you have written that your dh takes responsibility for the situation and he seems happy for you to be left feeling torn up about it. [/quote]
The short lived EA happened 18mnths ago. We worked through it and DH and were back on track. I was diagnosed with breast cancer last year. DH was brilliant throughout treatment and continues to be so.
The OW visiting our local pubs came to light because we live in a small hamlet and the landlords are friends of ours so mentioned a woman had been asking after DH. Think more Emmerdale type community than Coronation street. It’s not a popular tourist area and she lives over an hour away.
DH unblocked her temporarily to see if it was her. He is annoyed since it obviously upset me at a time I was very stressed. He feels contacting her to call her out may just fuel the situation.
My op was not about his behaviour but whether her current behaviour is normal or weird behaviour for a married 57yr old woman.

The OW visiting our local pubs came to light because we live in a small hamlet and the landlords are friends of ours so mentioned a woman had been asking after DH.

This is quite different from your previous posts though, I thought you only knew she had been there due to public social media posts - obviously her specifically asking after your husband is completely different to her 'just' being there.

If you had mentioned that in your first post then it would have been easier to understand you thinking she's not letting not go.

Originally he didn't want to block her because of her escalating and you would follow our advice and block her but now you're saying he's unblocked her temporarily?
If he'd blocked her she wouldn't have bothered posting on SM because there's no chance he'd have seen it.

Originally she was just in your area, now she's asking after you in pubs in a tiny little hamlet?

Interesting how the story changed when you didn’t get everyone agreeing with you that this woman is an awful stalker.

@STARCATCHER22

Interesting how the story changed when you didn’t get everyone agreeing with you that this woman is an awful stalker.

Not asking for agreement but some of the info is very outing which made me reluctant to post it. My original question was very general re stalking and not about the ins and outs of their behaviour prior to discovery. I’m not interested in views re DHs behaviour but more worried that OW behaviour is not normal for a middle aged married woman. I could imagine is pretty standard if your in your teens and twenties particularly with social media, but I’m not of that generation.

Yes but being in your area and specifically asking locals about your husband is a much clearer example of her not letting go / of her potentially stalking etc than her simply being in your area which is what you said originally.

Had you disclosed that she was asking people about your husband I think most people would have agreed that she sounds like she's not letting it go.

It wouldn't have been any more outing to just say 'she's been in our local area, asking people about my husband' than it was to say 'she's been in our local area'... so not sure why you didn't give that info to start with.

Is the person that previously harassed you another woman that your dh was romantically involved with?

If so, he has been incredibly unlucky to have been involved with 2 women who have then go on to stalk you both. Don't you think?

So unlucky, that I would say you are reading far to much into this (and possibly over egging it because you didn't get the responses you want) or you haven't had the full story either time.

If she was blocked how was she liking his posts. If she was blocked she would know he wasn't reacting to her posts.

Its entirely likely, she has other reasons to be there and her life isnt all about your husband.

But you are the one that keeps checking her social media. If yiu are genuinely past this, then where she is or what she is doing is no consequence.

The fact that she asked about him in the out is no more outing than anything else you posted, seems odd you left this really relevant Info out of the op.

Just block her again and do actually get on with your lives.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Yes but being in your area and specifically asking locals about your husband is a much clearer example of her not letting go / of her potentially stalking etc than her simply being in your area which is what you said originally.

Had you disclosed that she was asking people about your husband I think most people would have agreed that she sounds like she's not letting it go.

It wouldn't have been any more outing to just say 'she's been in our local area, asking people about my husband' than it was to say 'she's been in our local area'... so not sure why you didn't give that info to start with.

This.

If you had mentioned originally that she was asking after your husband, that wouldn’t have been outing but is a pretty big fact to have missed out. It also supports your idea that she may be in the area looking for your husband.

I’m not sure why you felt the need to say that it may be standard behaviour for someone in their teens/twenties as if stalking an ex would be okay at that age. It wouldn’t be.
If it’s meant to be disparaging and suggest that my opinions don’t match yours because I’m in my teens/twenties, you would be incorrect. I’m not.

If anything, you’re the one acting in like you’re in your teens/twenties (according to your idea) as you’re using social media to keep tabs on your husband’s ex.

My advice remains the same. Block her. Stop checking up on what she’s doing and take care of yourself.

Associatepeggy yes our previous harassment came from his ex before me. I was unwilling to disclose this because the Rottweilers would have jumped on this and given me a lecture on my choice of partners. This ex cheated on my DH with his close married friend. She went on to marry him and didn’t start her ten years of hatred’s me to until after she was married. Presumably she thought if we did disclose any of it, no one would believe us because she was as all lived up in her new marriage.
Very few people in real life know about it because we thought she would give up if we didn’t respond.
These two women were both long term partners ( 5+ yrs ) the actual stalker focussed on me and tried to convince me that DH was having affairs etc. But we had a mountain of evidence that it all came from her. Like most people DH had blamed his friend for the cheating (familiar story) and not her.
DH has always had a much stronger moral compass than me, he doesn’t speak to his brother because he cheated on his gf with her best friend so I was gobsmacked by his recent behaviour. As I said he really thought it was harmless flirty, lesson now learned.
I hope that she fades away but my recent health problems have not helped with anxiety and I think our historic experience has just triggered my paranoia. I just thought we had reached an age where people didn’t act so batshit crazy.

He must be a proper catch!

Predictable reply🤣

Well people can only go on what you've told us. Which is pretty much that you have a feckless wimp of a husband who just can't help but flirt with women and lead them on but who then leaves you to deal with any fallout (once you've found out about it). If there's a pattern developing then you're probably not paranoid but your anger and distrust is misplaced at the 'crazy stalkers'.

I just don’t understand how he snapped out of it but she didn’t.

When have relationships, almost relationships, situationships, flirtations etc. ever worked like that? There is often one who doesn't want to let go.
Emotional affairs can have a huge impact on a person especially if it's with an ex from someones younger years.

DH like many men didn't consider flirting with an ex online as cheating, he does now and has owned it and blocked her.

ALL men know that flirting with exes online is cheating. No one is that stupid or naive no matter what you want to believe.

DH has always had a much stronger moral compass than me, he doesn’t speak to his brother because he cheated on his gf with her best friend so I was gobsmacked by his recent behaviour.

Clearly he just acted like he had a stronger moral compass. Judges others but rules can be bent if it's him behaving badly, he just played dumb!

It was his inability to act that gave him away. His change in behaviour made it obvious that his head was elsewhere. Twenty five years ago I may have agreed with you but after 30yrs together the change was very obvious.
Men are a bit black and white about cheating, if it doesn’t involve sex they don’t consider it cheating. My generation grew up pre texting so the whole online/digital relationship is unfamiliar. If we wanted sex we dated and had real sex, occasionally phone sex, but sending a letter or postcard ( the pre digital method of texting) was not a thing. DH didn’t have a smartphone until 3 years ago, his dyslexia meant that texting with a phone pre iPhone was frustrating and difficult for him so he would just call and still prefers this method. He only joined Facebook properly in 2020 to alleviate the boredom of lockdown. There are still lots of people who don’t live out their lives online. The only thing DH has posted on fb are photos of our DS at sporting events. He recently got hacked via messenger and asked me to sort it out so has no problem with me looking at his phone. He asked if I minded him friending this woman from the outset, the intent to cheat was not there and he admitted what he did was wrong when I explained what was considered an online emotional affair. But had never considered that it was “an affair”.
For me flirting is much more than a few words on a screen. It’s the body language that goes with it. It’s easy to fake feelings behind a screen not so easy in real life. I accept everyone’s opinion he did wrong and has done his time. Our relationship is much stronger as a result, we had to talk and although my first reaction was to throw in the towel I realised that I still loved him and his actions post EA meant we were able to rebuild. My cancer diagnosis had a profound effect on him and has further cemented our relationship.
We have been through so much together and our relationship has stayed rock solid, I just didn’t think that this was the absolute end. I may be wrong but I hope not.
I am grateful for the input of everyone both positive and negative. I see now that much of the problem is in my head and I need to take steps to distance myself so I can learn to trust again and properly move on. He has chosen to stay so I have to accept that he is being honest.
But if the ow does walk into our local pub I just hope I have a full glass of red wine at hand😂

@Angrymum22

He has. To be fair 2021 has been a pretty shit year for us culminating in me being diagnosed with breast cancer so he has been totally preoccupied with my treatment and recovery. He has not interacted with her, but we do occasionally check on her social media feed to see if she is still visiting the area. I spotted her pulling out of the road opposite ours last summer, we live very rurally and I was surprised see her since she lives an hour away from us. He didn’t believe me so checked her social media and she had posted a photo of herself in our local pub (very much off the beaten track.

Where was he when you spotted her pulling out of the road opposite yours?

At home with Covid. We both had Covid I was collecting DS from the school bus.

Men are a bit black and white about cheating, if it doesn’t involve sex they don’t consider it cheating.

Not true. They do consider it cheating, but they do it anyway.
Just because they say they didn't think it was cheating doesn't mean they believed that.
Easier to say they didn't consider it to be cheating than to admit that they knew it was.

Fuck me, loving how some people forget this is meant to be a forum of support and decide their opinion far more important than actually helping someone. There are actually ways of making your thoughts known without the judgement that seems to go with it for some members.That good old #bekind didn't quite make it over here for long, did it.

OP it doesn't matter if your OH is a 'catch' for someone else on here, let them focus on their own relationship, whether that's good, bad or non existent. Only you know your husband.

Incidentally, pretty impressed apparently all men know flirting is cheating. Although I'm not a man, I don't believe it's the same in any way shape or form. I'll quite happily have a flirt. Doesn't mean I'm anything less than devoted to my partner, and actually the happiest I've been in a long time. It means I'm secure in my relationship and so is he.

OP, pls don't put yourself through the judgements. Look for the thoughts if you must but remember misery loves company...

Im going to go against the grain here… firstly ignoring your DH’s initial actions, she’s hanging around your locality, she is asking about him, she is joining groups, she’s trying to make herself visible. It’s subtle but it’s still there. I think you’re right to be wary of her intentions.
The way to stop this is to block her, both you and DH and if there any further direct contact by another method, DH needs to be very clear it’s unwanted.

@baileys6904 couldn't have written this better myself. What a miserable nasty bunch this lot are!! Talk about kick her when she's down! Absolutely vile reading these messages.. must be so miserable in themselves! YOU SHOULD BE SUPPORTING THIS WOMAN!!!! Not berating her!

And for the record... flirting is absolutely not cheating! Ridiculous....

@rlou3 thank god for that! Sometimes these comments make me think the world's gone mad!

@baileys6904

Fuck me, loving how some people forget this is meant to be a forum of support and decide their opinion far more important than actually helping someone. There are actually ways of making your thoughts known without the judgement that seems to go with it for some members.That good old #bekind didn't quite make it over here for long, did it.

OP it doesn't matter if your OH is a 'catch' for someone else on here, let them focus on their own relationship, whether that's good, bad or non existent. Only you know your husband.

Incidentally, pretty impressed apparently all men know flirting is cheating. Although I'm not a man, I don't believe it's the same in any way shape or form. I'll quite happily have a flirt. Doesn't mean I'm anything less than devoted to my partner, and actually the happiest I've been in a long time. It means I'm secure in my relationship and so is he.

OP, pls don't put yourself through the judgements. Look for the thoughts if you must but remember misery loves company...

you are right. I’m a tough old bird and have been on mumsnet to spot the goaders who are intent on creating drama for their own entertainment.

• long enough.