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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH is being horrible to me

100 replies

LadyFyck · 23/02/2022 18:37

I think.

Recently we had a minor disagreement over a "joke." I was on a stepladder at the top of the stairs painting the top of the wall and he did that thing where you grab someone, jolt them toward a massive drop so their adrenaline goes mad and say "saved your life" or something. So he jolted me toward the stairs, while I was already standing on a ladder and I had no idea he was even there. I had headphones on listening to music and it was absolutely terrifying!! I shouted "what the fuck are you doing you fucking idiot!?"

And he has been sulking and ice cold to me since then. It was on Saturday. He has literally not touched me or shared more than a couple of sentences with me since then. He knows 100% that withdrawing affection is something I consider to be horribly hurtful and abusive and I have, in this time, expressed to him that I feel very unloved and sad. He has done absolutely nothing to make me feel better, nor has he apologised for frightening me, but he expects me to apologise for shouting at him when I literally was terrified. He says I should trust that he would never hurt me or put me in danger and I said I am not apologising for a reaction when I was frightened, perhaps he should apologise for doing something so dangerous! He maintains it wasn't dangerous because he was in control the whole time and I made him feel humiliated by what I said and how I reacted.

He's making me feel absolutely worthless and he's never normally like this. He has got form for sulking like a fucking teenager every so often but not like this. I am so miserable. I told him this and said that I feel like he's doing this now to discourage me from ever sticking up for myself because this will be the result, and he said that's a disgusting thing for me to say!

OP posts:
Onlywomengivebirth · 23/02/2022 18:41

I cannot tell you how much I HATE jokes like this. I’m with you. And teenage sulking is such a turn-off.

GreyCarpet · 23/02/2022 18:42

He feels embarrassed and ashamed, as well he should, and that's what he means by humiliated.

ravenmum · 23/02/2022 18:43

Sounds to me like he knows full well that he was out of order, and is blaming you because he can't stand to admit he was in the wrong.

A stand-off will get you nowhere, though. If you want a different reaction you're going to have to try a different approach.

pointythings · 23/02/2022 18:44

He knows he fucked up so he's gone on the attack. Personally I'd be telling him 1) never to do anything like that again and 2) to can it with the bloody sulking because it's childish and you're not having it any more.

And then if no change I'd be taking steps to dump his sorry arse. My late husband was a sulker before he ever became an alcoholic and I wish I'd got rid earlier.

LadyFyck · 23/02/2022 18:44

@ravenmum

Sounds to me like he knows full well that he was out of order, and is blaming you because he can't stand to admit he was in the wrong.

A stand-off will get you nowhere, though. If you want a different reaction you're going to have to try a different approach.

That's exactly what I think it happening, plus he can't admit that he's embarrassed. He doesn't deal with those feelings well, he was brought up by a man who is Never Wrong but everyone else is.
OP posts:
ravenmum · 23/02/2022 18:49

As he's making the atmosphere at home unpleasant, any chance you could go out and meet up with friends/family, go shopping, go to the cinema etc.? Do this until you have both calmed down a bit, then see if you get anywhere with less accusatory tactics - maybe more along the lines of "what can we do about your toxic upbringing to stop it ruining our relationship"?

ravenmum · 23/02/2022 18:49

If you can be bothered, obviously...

RoyKentsChestHair · 23/02/2022 18:50

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree does it. He sounds like a knob. He’s denied your experience and then reversed it so that he is now the victim. I’d don’t know if he would fit any of the other traits of manipulative people, but this is classic DARVO - and that’s usually forged out of shame. These types know they’re a twat but they can’t face the reality so they switch it around to make you into the twat. Well done for not accepting what he’s trying to hand to you. This is his fuck up. Flowers

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 23/02/2022 18:53

I'd ignore him right back!

Don't do any of his washing cooking etc

Keep yourself busy - he will hate it

The twat

Watchkeys · 23/02/2022 19:12

I made him feel humiliated by what I said and how I reacted

Yes, of course you did. You had a perfectly normal reaction and he's feeling humiliated because he's humiliated himself.

I agree with @RoyKentsChestHair, this is DARVO. He's making you feel to blame when he's the one who made a mistake. Nobody would actually argue that it's ok to push someone on a ladder at the top of some stairs; that's objectively a really really idiotic thing to do.

Does he ever do the DARVO on you at other times? D'you ever feel like you end up apologising even though you're the one who's got offended/hurt in the first place?

Ramalamadingdongs · 23/02/2022 19:15

The Apple doesn't fall far from the tree. He thinks you're in the wrong because he scared you?

I think if someone did that to me i would throw up and probably scream. I dislike ladders at the best of times, but at the top of the stairs and you didn't know he was there? Fuck that. That's not funny at all. What if he didn't have it all under control? What if something went wrong and you went falling down the stairs?

Nah. He should be begging your forgiveness.

Maray1967 · 23/02/2022 19:28

I would be absolutely furious if mine did that to me.
There is absolutely no way I would be making any effort to smooth things over when he’s not apologised. That would be it. He can look after himself. I don’t see how giving in will help you in the long term. It will just set a pattern which he will continue. He needs to apologise now for shaking the ladder - extremely stupid and dangerous behaviour.

girlmom21 · 23/02/2022 19:44

If my DP had scared me like that and I'd made it clear I was scared he'd apologise straight away and make sure I was ok.

Your DH is being a dick.

Watchkeys · 23/02/2022 19:46

The fact that he thought he was in control is really concerning. He's willing to bet with your safety that he wouldn't make an error. It's like when Michael Jackson dangled his baby over a balcony... why would you take the risk, just for the sake of it?

violetbunny · 23/02/2022 19:50

Does he normally sulk and give you the silent treatment when you have a disagreement?

Shoxfordian · 23/02/2022 19:56

Sounds like he’s from a line of men who are never wrong then Hmm

Does he often sulk?

Crikeyalmighty · 23/02/2022 20:07

I think many men are like this, it seems so many of them have some kind of mental aversion to saying the words ‘I’m so sorry, I totally fucked up’ - instead they try as others have said to reverse it into ‘overreaction or lack of sense of humour or other such bull’ .

Midlifemusings · 23/02/2022 20:09

While your reaction was perfectly legitimate and his sulking is immature so is your view that you are worthless because he hasn't spoken to you for a few days. Be your own person. Making your worth so dependent on some trivial argument is immature as well. Own your own feelings.

Using words like unloved, humiliated, worthless etc over a ladder joke gone wrong? Just as immature and dramatic as his immature sulking and silent treatment.

spacehardware · 23/02/2022 20:09

He sounds like a c*nt

Is there anything good about him?

Positivelyhopeful1 · 23/02/2022 20:11

I hate sulking. It is such controlling behaviour.
He is behaving this way (possibly subconsciously) as this chips away at you and ultimately you end up never challenging his behaviour because you're too exhausted by his moods as a consequence.

nancybotwinbloom · 23/02/2022 20:11

I'd be out every night with plans with friends if I could if my DH ignored me like that.

Fuck him.

As soon as he sees your not bothered or appear not bothered it might make him willing to apologise.

Although maybe he will sulk more because you are not bothered.

My ex gave used to give me the silent treatment it's souls destroying. He did it for two weeks once when I was on mat leave on my own whilst my parents were on holiday so I couldn't confide in them.

Literally not one word. Nothing.

It wears you down eventually so you end up apologising even when it's not your fault just to get rid of the atmosphere.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 23/02/2022 20:11

Ime men who are incapable of apologising are utter Cunts. My exh once rammed dd's buggy over my sandle-d feet on holiday.
Refused to say sorry as apparently it was an accident.. He strode on ahead while I looked for damage..utter twat.
Consider your future carefully op.
That was our last holiday before I ltb.

HashtagShitShop · 23/02/2022 20:17

What does he expect you to have shouted? "oh my wonderful husband, you put us both in danger as a joke and could have killed me. How grateful I am to you for doing so"?

There is no outcome in the world which would have had someone who had had that done to them laugh or similar. Everyone would panic, scream and most likely swear.

If he can't see that then he's a cretin. And for sulking because that was your reaction to a very real danger? What a pathetic man child.

LadyFyck · 23/02/2022 20:30

@Midlifemusings

While your reaction was perfectly legitimate and his sulking is immature so is your view that you are worthless because he hasn't spoken to you for a few days. Be your own person. Making your worth so dependent on some trivial argument is immature as well. Own your own feelings.

Using words like unloved, humiliated, worthless etc over a ladder joke gone wrong? Just as immature and dramatic as his immature sulking and silent treatment.

Those feelings aren't about his joke. That was my fear and annoyance. The feeling of worthlessness is due to the fact that I told him I was feeling upset that he was being so cold to me and he ignored me still. Also that he knows withdrawing affection and being given the silent treatment is something that I find very upsetting due to it being the weapon used against me in my childhood. It made me feel like I didn't matter and that I could die and nobody would care. He knows that this will hurt me but his own bruised ego is taking priority. That's what hurts
OP posts:
LadyFyck · 23/02/2022 20:31

@spacehardware

He sounds like a c*nt

Is there anything good about him?

Lots. This isn't an expected thing. I definitely am familiar with his sulking, but he's generally lovely.
OP posts:
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