DH is being horrible to me

[LadyFyck]

I think.

Recently we had a minor disagreement over a "joke." I was on a stepladder at the top of the stairs painting the top of the wall and he did that thing where you grab someone, jolt them toward a massive drop so their adrenaline goes mad and say "saved your life" or something. So he jolted me toward the stairs, while I was already standing on a ladder and I had no idea he was even there. I had headphones on listening to music and it was absolutely terrifying!! I shouted "what the fuck are you doing you fucking idiot!?"

And he has been sulking and ice cold to me since then. It was on Saturday. He has literally not touched me or shared more than a couple of sentences with me since then. He knows 100% that withdrawing affection is something I consider to be horribly hurtful and abusive and I have, in this time, expressed to him that I feel very unloved and sad. He has done absolutely nothing to make me feel better, nor has he apologised for frightening me, but he expects me to apologise for shouting at him when I literally was terrified. He says I should trust that he would never hurt me or put me in danger and I said I am not apologising for a reaction when I was frightened, perhaps he should apologise for doing something so dangerous! He maintains it wasn't dangerous because he was in control the whole time and I made him feel humiliated by what I said and how I reacted.

He's making me feel absolutely worthless and he's never normally like this. He has got form for sulking like a fucking teenager every so often but not like this. I am so miserable. I told him this and said that I feel like he's doing this now to discourage me from ever sticking up for myself because this will be the result, and he said that's a disgusting thing for me to say!

Lovely men don't treat their partners like this

How did he think you would react, though??

What a massive bellend.

Sorry, no advice, but yanbu at all. Dickhead.

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor

Lovely men don't treat their partners like this

Agreed. Lovely men don't put their partner's at risk for a laugh. Lovely men don't do obviously unsettling and scary things to their partners for fun. Lovely men admit their mistakes. Lovely men know how to apologise. Lovely men don't give their partners the silent treatment.

There is so much here that shows he's not really lovely, deep down. He's insecure and insecure about being insecure, and protecting his ego is more important to him than you feeling ok, when push comes to shove.

God he sounds exhausting.

I second the suggestion of being out with friends constantly Until he gets over himself.

Most people would react the way you did. He is behaving like a naughty child. When my dh did this, I asked him if he wanted me to respect him as a man, or regard him as child; I said it in exasperation after far too many sulks and whinges and self-pitying behaviours.

While he was still shocked thinking about it I also said "just grow up" rather firmly and loudly. (We were in our 40s.)

Admittedly, he was truly shocked. No one, but no one, had spoken to him like that before;

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Bye has crossed that line.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and yours taught you about silent treatment and withdrawing affection. They really did teach you a lot of damaging lessons about relationships and it’s not altogether surprising that you chose someone like this now. You were primed to accept such from them and other people. If you’re also now a people pleaser that likely too started from wanting to parent please.

Abusers like your H and your parents are not nasty all the time because if they were no-one would want to be with them. I doubt you have much if anything if a relationship with your parents these days.

My counsel to you would be to now see a solicitor and plan your exit from this marriage particularly as your children are being affected by their dad’s abuse towards you and in turn them.

And no he’s not generally lovely either if you’re treated like this by him. That also tells me you have a very low relationship bar.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?

@LadyFyck

You really need to develop your own self worth. Many people do not have a man at their beck and call and yet they aren't worthless humans. The fact that you are voicing you are worthless if a man doesn't talk to you for a few days is a real problem. You need to be your own person. Your entire identity and and self worth and existence should not be dependent on what he says or does.

Both of you have really immature and unhealthy patterns here of responding to this. Maybe there is a really unhealthy codependency and that is what is coming out. You are so affected by his silence to the point of worthlessness and humiliation and he is so affected by being sworn at and called names that he can't speak or interact. Therapy seems like a good next step.

I would have one more conversation along the lines of what you did was dangerous, I could have been hurt, however much YOU feel you were in control, I couldn’t know that and was extremely frightened by what you did. It was not funny and should never have happened, and to then put up with no apology from you about frightening me, and childish sulking is not on

I await your apology, then get on with life, let him sulk, say good morning etc breezily to him, chat as you would do normally, carry on with your daily life, but I wouldn’t be doing anything for him. He can cook his own meals, clean up after himself etc

[quote Midlifemusings]@LadyFyck

You really need to develop your own self worth. Many people do not have a man at their beck and call and yet they aren't worthless humans. The fact that you are voicing you are worthless if a man doesn't talk to you for a few days is a real problem. You need to be your own person. Your entire identity and and self worth and existence should not be dependent on what he says or does.

Both of you have really immature and unhealthy patterns here of responding to this. Maybe there is a really unhealthy codependency and that is what is coming out. You are so affected by his silence to the point of worthlessness and humiliation and he is so affected by being sworn at and called names that he can't speak or interact. Therapy seems like a good next step.[/quote]
I'm not saying I'm worthless because I don't have the support of a man. I'm saying he is making me feel I am worthless to him because I have expressed how he is making me feel and he is still choosing to.

Yes he is being callous to you in order to preserve his own ego.

Not good btw.

He terrified you and what he did was potentially dangerous. He should be begging you for forgiveness for his poor joke/near assault.

He’s not lovely.

Fucking hell. HE’S NOT LOVELY.

He endangered you. Now he is punishing you with a classic tactic of the emotionally abusive. He is DARVO.

He’s a wanker OP.

The best advice I’ve read here yet (other than LTB) is to ignore him completely and do nothing for him and give him his own shit back. Muster within yourself the strength to separate from his manipulation.

@LadyFyck

No one can make you feel any way. Your feelings are your own. You are responsible for your own feelings. Just like well she made me angry - so.... Nope. You need to take responsibility for how you feel. As does he. What if he says you are responsible for his feelings and your words made him shut down? Again, nope. He is responsible for his own feelings too.

The ladder 'joke' is abusive in itself.

No normal adult would do that to another adult on a ladder at the top of the stairs.

The fact that he wanted to frighten you like this shows that he has a lot of pent-up aggression towards you, which he expressed in his 'joke' that put your life in danger.

It's worrying.

he expects me to apologise for shouting at him when I literally was terrified. He says I should trust that he would never hurt me or put me in danger and I said I am not apologising for a reaction when I was frightened, perhaps he should apologise for doing something so dangerous! He maintains it wasn't dangerous because he was in control the whole time and I made him feel humiliated by what I said and how I reacted.

This happened on Saturday?! What an arsehole.

Let me tell you a story. On Friday night my DH got into a bit of macho posturing with the car next to us at the lights and it looked like he want going to be the one to cede. I reacted instinctively by telling him loudly to Stop! and he got the arse saying how dare I overreact and imply he would endanger us all and the kids etc.

We parked, slightly furious with each other, but not arguing in front of the kids, and got settled in the cinema etc. Kids went to the toilet before it started and he said again I should apologise to him for “screaming” and “saying he’d ever put the children in danger” blah blah. I told him (in furious whispers, as we’re in the cinema) like fuck would I apologise for an instinctive reaction from fear and it made fuck all difference to me if he knew he was perfectly in control because he scared me regardless and I said duck all about him endangering anyone so he was projecting his own shit there and could wait for as long as he liked for an apology.

Then we watched the film, and when we got up to leave we had a cuddle and he accepted he was being an area and disproportionately reacting, and I apologised for the way my reaction had made him feel.

Over in 2.5 hours max - and we were in enforced silence for about 2 of them.

He’s not “lovely” if he sulks to manipulate and doesn’t accept his actions had a consequence, even if unintended.

You were on a fucking ladder! At the top of the stairs! My DH would never ever carry out a “joke” like that.

You describe it as a ‘minor disagreement’ but he’s been sulking for most of a week.

He’s not lovely, he’s horrid - as you said.

He was totally in the wrong for scaring you and not apologising for frightening you. And I don't think anyone would have liked what he did.
However, you're being totally dramatic for saying he's making you feel worthless. It feels like you're just over egging it because people on here have criticised him.
I personally, though, don't see red flags every time someone does something stupid.

[quote Midlifemusings]@LadyFyck

No one can make you feel any way. Your feelings are your own. You are responsible for your own feelings. Just like well she made me angry - so.... Nope. You need to take responsibility for how you feel. As does he. What if he says you are responsible for his feelings and your words made him shut down? Again, nope. He is responsible for his own feelings too.[/quote]
Our feelings aren't under our control. Otherwise nobody would ever feels sad, would they, because everybody would choose to feel good all the time. We are not responsible for our feelings. We are responsible for the actions that result from our feelings. We are responsible for avoiding situations and people who give us bad feelings. Humans are societal animals. Humans choose individuals to 'let in' to their emotional space. Once that's done (and yes, that's a choice at a deeper level) it needs to be undone and we need recovery time, before those individuals' actions do not affect our emotional state.

It's far too basic to say that 'No-one can make you feel anything'. What kind of world do you live in? One where being told 'I love you' or being given a thoughtful gift doesn't make you feel happy? One where, if your beloved mother was to say 'Fuck off, I've never loved you', you'd simply choose not to mind?

OP's husband has done something dangerous and it's made her feel bad in a variety of ways. That's perfectly valid. If she wants his actions not to affect her emotions, she can't just stop. She'd need to divorce him, move away from him, and fully emotionally detach.

The 'Well she made me angry' example is not valid, because feeling angry isn't a problem. It could easily be followed with 'So I sat down with her, made us both a cup of tea, and we talked it all out so that we're both much happier' Anger is healthy. It's demonstrated unhealthily, sometimes, and that's what you're talking about. Same with 'your words made him shut down'; his feeling is valid. His response to it is what he is responsible for. 'Responsible'/response. Response-able. Able to respond appropriately. Even to difficult emotions. That's what 'responsible' means.

All emotions are valid. They are signposts that indicate to us where the healthiest situations for us, as individuals, are. To suggest that you can control how people make you feel is invalidating, on such a simple level. You can't. You can only be 'response-able', recognise the pattern, and stay away from people who make you feel things you don't want to feel.

I’d put my headphones back on and ignore him and plan to meet up with friends work etc and cook for one etc and do plenty of zoom FaceTime in the evening - or evening go away for a new weekend on my own.

He literally terrified you and then blamed you for being terrified as he was ‘the big man in control of the little woman’ arsehole - personally the then sulking bit escalated it as of course he can’t be wrong.

My friend from university was married to an idiot like this jumping out and going boo when she was taking stuff out the oven etc one day she was on step ladder a little one getting something out of a cupboard and similar to you but much lower little steps he shouted boo at her she fell off and not only broke her leg but a can hit her head and split it open. He thought saying ‘sorry’ was enough and it would be a good funny story to tell their friends. She divorced him. Funnily enough he lives in my town and has never had a long term relationship - he has a fun time for a few weeks and then they run. He’s 55 and never had children and never grown up. You can choose to end your relationship for any reason. Regarding your childhood I get it - get some good counselling because 10 years ago I would be crying to a partner like this and asking him to stop and give me a cuddle - abusive childhood. And after nearly a year of counselling I would end it over something like this and not look back.

Well said @Watchkeys

*Agreed. Lovely men don't put their partner's at risk for a laugh. Lovely men don't do obviously unsettling and scary things to their partners for fun. Lovely men admit their mistakes. Lovely men know how to apologise. Lovely men don't give their partners the silent treatment.

There is so much here that shows he's not really lovely, deep down. He's insecure and insecure about being insecure, and protecting his ego is more important to him than you feeling ok, when push comes to shove.*

These are wise words.

Even if the initial 'joke' (which wasn't funny) was an error of judgement which could be forgiven, as soon as he realised he'd terrified you a decent person would have been mortified at their actions and full of apoligies. He's still punishing you for instinctively telling him what an idiot he was being.

Don't plead or beg. Just lead your life and have some fun. And let him know how childish and deeply unattractive sulking is.

I'm with you on this. He says you should know he would never hurt you but the fact is, he risked hurting you for a laugh. Could he absolutely guarantee there was no chance you and the ladder would fall down the stairs? Nope.

Write to him.

Opening words- take this very seriously, think about it before you react, this is a dealbreaker situation. That you love him very much, and hope you can work together to resolve it.

Then explain that he is punishing you with his silence and moodiness but that you have done nothing wrong, simply be terrified in a terrifying situation.

That even if you had done something wrong, punishing you with silence is inappropriate and unhelpful strategy.

That he may need counselling to learn how to deal with shame, if you are to move on as a couple.