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Original poster

Not mentioning you have kids until the first date

79 replies

TibetanTerrah · 23/02/2022 14:39

Is this a thing? I don't have children, and would prefer not to date someone that has them. In fact I've never been in a relationship with a man who has children. I've just come back from a first coffee with someone from OLD and he's waited until now to casually drop in he has kids Hmm this is the second time it's happened to me recently.

I'm aware that I'm approaching mid 30s and my dating pool may well have a lot of fathers, but fgs be honest about it.

Has anyone else come across this? I think it's quite a big thing to omit from your profile and not mention at all in conversation.

OP posts:
Traumdeuter · 23/02/2022 14:42

Depends how long you’ve been messaging. I wouldn’t expect someone to put it in their profile, but it would come up in the first round of messages.

Original poster
TibetanTerrah · 23/02/2022 14:44

We've been messaging for 2-3 weeks.

OP posts:
CrumpetStrumpet · 23/02/2022 14:44

I don't do OLD but if I did I would absolutely mention my DC before meeting.

Perhaps just ask yourself going forward? If you don't want to date men with children then that is perfectly okay. Weed them out earlySmile

Annasgirl · 23/02/2022 14:45

If your profile says you don’t want to date people with kids then surely you shouldn’t get matched with them? My advice, change dating site.

bbtatoes · 23/02/2022 14:46

I always asked this on OLD.

I do not want children, and did not want to date someone with children.

Original poster
TibetanTerrah · 23/02/2022 14:53

@Annasgirl I like Bumble though Grin there seem to be fewer creeps for some reason! I can filter by 'no kids' but that excludes people who just haven't filled it out properly, so I tend to just leave it and see what the profile says, assuming - stupidly apparently - that it would come up in conversation! I would never say on my profile text specifically I don't want to date people with kids, I couldn't think of a way to word it without sounding like a wanker Confused

OP posts:
Babadook76 · 23/02/2022 14:55

I think at that age it would actually be safer to assume that they do have children. If children are a deal breaker for you then you should really be asking if they have any before the date.

Original poster
TibetanTerrah · 23/02/2022 15:02

@Babadook76 He mentioned jokingly he has 'shared custody' of the dog he had with his ex, and the dog was actually with him as he was texting me. You would think that was a good enough segue to mention children?

It may not be an absolute dealbreaker. But it's kind of a big thing to leave out.

OP posts:
RainyWales · 23/02/2022 15:19

Almost a denial of the existence of his own DC. That wouldn't do for me @TibetanTerrah !

ComtesseDeSpair · 23/02/2022 15:21

Oh god, it’s crap. Has happened to me a couple of times: “oh, I didn’t tell you before because your profile said you didn’t want children and I didn’t think you’d want to see me if you knew I had them.” Too right, pal, hence why I’m going straight home now I do know.

Original poster
TibetanTerrah · 23/02/2022 15:24

@RainyWales I do feel it's a little bit like that tbh. I was laughing about how very very tiny my flat is, and he said in a faux-bragging jokey way, 'is now a good time to tell you I live in a 3 bed house alone, and I want to conver the loft for extra space'. I teased him about him possibly having a secret excessive teddy bear collection and he STILL didn't mention children.

Not to dripfeed but my own dad basically ignored my existence for over 20 years so I'm aware this may be touching a nerve. I'm also a 'full disclosure, honest to a fault' kind of person so deception about something so big unsettles me a bit.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 23/02/2022 15:25

I know what you mean, OP.

I'm mid 40s. I have 2 children - a mid teen and a twenty something. There is no way I would even entertain dating someone with children younger than my youngest. My boyfriend (who I have known IRL for a few years) has two a similar age to my eldest.

Actually, I think it would be perfectly reasonable to put in a dating profile that you don't want to date anyone with children. My friend stipulates that as a deal breaker before she agrees to meet someone.

Original poster
TibetanTerrah · 23/02/2022 15:32

@ComtesseDeSpair wow. it takes a special kind of arrogance to ignore a boundary you've said and think they can win you over anyway!

OP posts:
DarkCorner · 23/02/2022 15:33

Yeah, very weird not to mention them at all before the first date! what a waste of your time. I think some men (possibly women too but I was dating men) like to filter their lives a bit and and hope you'll be bowled over by their amazingness in person or maybe just not notice that they aren't what you were looking for Hmm.

I didn't put it on my profile that I had a v young child but always mentioned in a message fairly early on to allow them to bow out if they wished. If you're finding some of them do this then I'd just ask the question fairly early on in messaging - "just wondering - do you have kids?" rather than put it as a stipulation on your dating profile. I'm guessing only someone totally brazen would outright lie!

ELCismyspiritnana · 23/02/2022 15:37

I think you can put in something like “I am only open to dating men without children”. I saw a few profiles from men along those lines and just scrolled on - no hard feelings.
I would say rather than just not mentioning them he actively avoided it - he clearly doesn’t live “alone” if he has any custody of the kids.

SpamIAm · 23/02/2022 15:37

Based on absolutely no evidence whatsoever, I suspect it's mostly men that do this. To be fair, if they don't see their kids much they may indeed be living life like they don't have children!

It's pointless isn't it? I'm happily married, but if I wasn't then I'd definitely mention my kids early on - what's the point in wasting my time going on a date if they're not going to be interested once they find out I have kids? (I also can't imagine getting through a conversation without mentioning them because they're such a huge part of my life - ie I have no social life 😂 - but that's a separate issue!).

nitsandwormsdodger · 23/02/2022 15:43

If you are dating at 30 I would assume people had kids
I think you should say you don’t and that you are not looking to have any yourself or as step the way to word it is “ I am child free by choice and wish it to continue that way , preferably would like to date like minded man “

TheSnowyOwl · 23/02/2022 15:44

I’d be quite blunt and ask when messaging. No point in wasting your time.

It’s probably because the majority of people do have children in the age bracket you are looking at and they have learnt that some people won’t progress any further with dating if they admit that. Therefore, they hope meeting them will change your mind and you’ll keep on dating.

thethreemuskateers · 23/02/2022 15:44

I would definitely mention kids before going out on a date. I met 2 blokes recently just whilst out drinking nothing serious but they were both in the 40s and didn’t have kids and I didn’t want to take it further as thought it would be a bit of a mismatch they had loads of spare time. But then I’m not overly keen on meeting someone with kids as can’t be bothered with the whole step parenting/blended families 😂 think I’m better off on my own 😂

Original poster
TibetanTerrah · 23/02/2022 15:56

PPs have mentioned I should 'assume' that men around my age/slightly older will have kids and that's fair. I've only recently got back into dating and I think I've accepted this, but it's more 'bonus point if you don't' kind of thing Wink

That said, I'm left with the impression that I was sort of manipulated into a date, like he thought he might ruin his chances - not necessarily true! - if he mentioned them.

Obviously there's every chance I will never hear from him again, so I'm pondering this for nothing Grin it was more a general question about 'hiding' his kids I suppose!

OP posts:
TheDuchessOfMN · 23/02/2022 16:21

Lying by omission…

You should make it clearer in your profile that you’re only interested in seeing men who don’t have kids. There’s nothing wrong with that 🤷‍♀️

And if they ignore that bit, you should just ask directly when you’re messaging. Saves you wasting your time

Original poster
TibetanTerrah · 23/02/2022 16:28

@TheDuchessOfMN maybe I'm coming at this from the mum rather than dad pov, but why is it up to me to ask? Shouldn't it be enough of who you are to have on your profile or at least mention before you meet?

I kinda care more about whether you have kids or not (and whether you're a good dad) more than the long walks on the beach, gsoh spiel.

OP posts:
Peachtoiletpaper · 23/02/2022 16:29

In this case the 'I live alone' comment seems a bit disingenuous as after that you would assume he lived, well, alone I.e. wouldn't think to ask about kids. Surely even if they only stay at weekends that's not living alone.

I put on my profile that I'm not looking to date anyone who already has kids. I was on Match before and that wouldn't stop loads with children messaging me, not even acknowledging that so if someone hasn't specified then it's probably worth asking rather than waste time chatting or going on a date.

AnotherSillawithanS · 23/02/2022 16:30

I wouldn't be singing it from the roof tops. You never know who you're talking to really do you.

TheDuchessOfMN · 23/02/2022 16:32

I don’t think so.
I’m not an online dater, so I’m just guessing here about myself, but I have 3 kids, and I don’t think I would necessarily tell someone/a stranger, unless asked. I wouldn’t see it as something I need to disclose. But I wouldn’t purposely hide it either, so if it came up in conversation, I would mention them…
That’s why, because it’s your issue, YOU need to clarify first

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