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Original poster

Not mentioning you have kids until the first date

79 replies

TibetanTerrah · 23/02/2022 14:39

Is this a thing? I don't have children, and would prefer not to date someone that has them. In fact I've never been in a relationship with a man who has children. I've just come back from a first coffee with someone from OLD and he's waited until now to casually drop in he has kids Hmm this is the second time it's happened to me recently.

I'm aware that I'm approaching mid 30s and my dating pool may well have a lot of fathers, but fgs be honest about it.

Has anyone else come across this? I think it's quite a big thing to omit from your profile and not mention at all in conversation.

OP posts:
3kidsinsane · 23/02/2022 16:36

I wouldn't even mention mine until I knew if it was going anywhere. I do however make it clear I wouldn't date anybody who wants kids or is undecided

HangingOver · 23/02/2022 16:36

I think it's either that they are worried you wouldn't agree to the date otherwise or they just don't mention their kids much. There are friends of DPs (men in 40s) that I've known for months and months before the fact they have children eventually comes up in conversation, whereas I find when meet women for the first time it seems to come up far quicker, whatever you're talking about.

Lyonic · 23/02/2022 16:41

Maybe have some deeper conversations with people before you meet them? If I ever left my wife, the next person would know 100% straight away that id kids

Iheartmysmart · 23/02/2022 16:43

I totally get where you’re coming from. I’m older than you, mid fifties, and DS is leaving home in August so I’ll have no ties. Have got on my profile that I’m not interested in anyone with younger kids yet still get men message me when they have school aged children. One was quite blatant about the fact he wanted someone to move in with him to help look after them! Hmm no thanks, done my time child rearing.

AlwaysFireFighting · 23/02/2022 16:44

Bear in mind that women often won't put on their profile that they have kids, to avoid being targeted by paedophiles. V sensible IMO.

Obviously, the risk of a father being targeted by a female paedophile is vanishingly rare, but perhaps men see a general trend of women not declaring kids on a profile, and subconsciously do the same?

In your position, I would ask the direct question as soon as you start chatting.

ouch321 · 23/02/2022 16:51

@nitsandwormsdodger

If you are dating at 30 I would assume people had kids I think you should say you don’t and that you are not looking to have any yourself or as step the way to word it is “ I am child free by choice and wish it to continue that way , preferably would like to date like minded man “
What a weird thing to say!

Why would you assume someone who's 30 would have kids. There's a 50% chance of someone having a child and given that 30 is the average age to have a child if you do decide to have them that means there's roughly 25% chance of a 30 year old having a kid.

DillonPanthersTexas · 23/02/2022 16:51

pamIAm

Based on absolutely no evidence whatsoever, I suspect it's mostly men that do this

There was a thread on here a few weeks ago with the OP asking is she should mention that she has kids before meeting for a date. Most people said yes but there was a sizable minority that felt it was fine to lie by omission for the first few meets as they wanted to vet the men to make sure they were not peados

PotatoGoblins · 23/02/2022 16:52

I wouldn’t expect it to be in someone’s online profile, but it’s definitely an important factor in their life that should be mentioned early on - way before actually going on a date

Lyonic · 23/02/2022 16:53

@Iheartmysmart

I totally get where you’re coming from. I’m older than you, mid fifties, and DS is leaving home in August so I’ll have no ties. Have got on my profile that I’m not interested in anyone with younger kids yet still get men message me when they have school aged children. One was quite blatant about the fact he wanted someone to move in with him to help look after them! Hmm no thanks, done my time child rearing.
Im not sure why you think looking after kida is such a bad thing. You should take more chances. He could be the best guy ever
Viviennemary · 23/02/2022 16:53

I think that unless the DCs were living at their house why would they mention it before you've even been on a date.

RedCandyApple · 23/02/2022 16:56

I think you should ask before meeting my ex didn’t tell me he had a child until I had been seeing him for a few weeks! Now we have children and I’m not with him anymore and he openly admitted to me that he doesn’t tell women he has children.

RedCandyApple · 23/02/2022 16:59

You can put it on your profile, on tinder I saw quite a few men saying they won’t date single mums.

CandyLeBonBon · 23/02/2022 17:00

"Im not sure why you think looking after kida is such a bad thing. You should take more chances. He could be the best guy ever"

Ugh 🙄

HobnobsChoice · 23/02/2022 17:00

@Lyonic errrr because she's done her parenting of young kids and is looking forward to no ties. The man might be great but he comes ad a package with his kids so it's a deal breaker which means he isn't going to be the best guy ever for her. Women aren't obligated to meet every man they match with even if they aren't compatible.

TheDuchessOfMN · 23/02/2022 17:08

@Lyonic because she doesn’t want to become someone’s free childminder? Confused

gogohm · 23/02/2022 17:13

Mine were in my profile, that there were adults and I wasn't interested in anyone with children under 18. The site I used allowed you to specify. Dp was in the same position when we met

M0rT · 23/02/2022 17:21

I've never online dated but this reminds me of when I was single at 30 and realised I had to specifically ask men who were chatting me up if they were single. I'd always assumed if they were chatting me up in front of friends than they must be. I was wrong.
There were a surprising number who had long term partners/wives and thought if they didn't mention them it was fine to chat me up, try to kiss me and ask for my number.
It was important to me to that I not get involved with men who were lying pricks so I started asking, I think your going to have to do the same. No need to put it in your profile but if messaging is leading up to meeting I'd ask directly.
I get not putting your children's information online but to be messaging you and basically lying about living in the 3 bed house alone is off-putting.

Undecidedandtorn · 23/02/2022 17:29

My kids always come up in conversation fairly early on - even a casual "what are you up to this week" would see me mention something I was doing with them or a conversation about holidays would have them mentioned. Seems odd that wouldn't happen but I guess best to ask if it's a deal breaker

ukborn · 23/02/2022 17:43

It should be on their profile surely. I don't know how much info you get as I haven't done online dating, but I did meet my husband through a dating agency, and we all had profiles with quite detailed descriptions.

Iheartmysmart · 23/02/2022 17:46

@Lyonic Hmmm why on earth would I want to look after kids that aren’t mine. I raised DS who is now nearly 20 and off to Uni soon. I’ve done my bit. And any man who is blatantly looking for a skivvy isn’t going to be the best guy in the world. Maybe raise your standards.

ClariceQuiff · 23/02/2022 17:47

It would annoy me to waste time on a date with someone who had children. Assuming I was looking for a serious relationship, I wouldn't want someone with children. I don't dislike children, I just wouldn't want them as a permanent fixture in my life and (understandably) the first priority for my life-partner.

FinallyHere · 23/02/2022 17:50

I teased him about him possibly having a secret excessive teddy bear collection and he STILL didn't mention children.

Maybe just ask outright ?

Beating round the bush doesn't seem to work very well. I think in your position I'd ask outright as part of the process of setting up the first days.

maybe I'm coming at this from the mum rather than dad pov, but why is it up to me to ask? Shouldn't it be enough of who you are to have on your profile or at least mention before you meet?

I think it makes sense for the person to whom it matters, to ask the actual question. Just simpler that way and xx less likely to wring

FinallyHere · 23/02/2022 17:55

Take Two

process of setting up the first dates

Just simpler that way and less likely to go wrong

I can easily imagine some people being arrogant enough to imagine once they had hooked you, you would change your mind about excluding men with DC.

Pyewhacket · 23/02/2022 18:00

I wouldn’t bin somebody off just coz they have kids. That

WatieKatie · 23/02/2022 18:05

I found that OLD was a license to lie. The amount of men I went on a date with who were at least 5 to 10 years + older than their profile was staggering. I started screening first via FaceTime and asking them to confirm their age. I found this significantly cut down on time and wasters.

If it’s a dealbreaker I’d ask the question before agreeing to a first meeting.

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