Not mentioning you have kids until the first date

[TibetanTerrah]

Is this a thing? I don't have children, and would prefer not to date someone that has them. In fact I've never been in a relationship with a man who has children. I've just come back from a first coffee with someone from OLD and he's waited until now to casually drop in he has kids this is the second time it's happened to me recently.

I'm aware that I'm approaching mid 30s and my dating pool may well have a lot of fathers, but fgs be honest about it.

Has anyone else come across this? I think it's quite a big thing to omit from your profile and not mention at all in conversation.

I have 3DDs and I’ve been single for 6 years, no interest in dating however this has made me think.

If I ever could be arsed with the cess pit that is dating in your mid 30s, I definitely wouldn’t want to date a man with children. Not interested in blending families. I’m also not interested in having more children.

I’m also not interested in having my DDs meet anyone I’d date - which is the main reason why I’m not dating (youngest is only 6), because it’s probably fucking weird that I’d want to keep a relationship entirely separate to my children.

I’m also not sure if I’d mention having children on my profile because let’s face it, a LOT of arseholes out there think single mothers vulnerable and make a perfect target, but I also wouldn’t feel comfortable talking to or going on a date with someone who didn’t know.

Hence why I am very single and will be for a long time

@WatieKatie

I found that OLD was a license to lie. The amount of men I went on a date with who were at least 5 to 10 years + older than their profile was staggering. I started screening first via FaceTime and asking them to confirm their age. I found this significantly cut down on time and wasters.

If it’s a dealbreaker I’d ask the question before agreeing to a first meeting.

There was a thread on here recently where posters were saying it’s totally fine to lie about your age when OLD, I was surprised at how many thought it was ok, and admitted to doing it.

YABU not to put it in your profile tbh - open and honest goes both ways. But if you don't want to do that and you want to know before you committoa date then ask.

I certainly wouldn’t put that I have a child in my profile, but I also wouldn’t go on a date with someone without them knowing that. There’s some fundamental information that the other date needs to know to make an informed decision and I’d argue this is the most pertinent piece of information.

@ComtesseDeSpair

Oh god, it’s crap. Has happened to me a couple of times: “oh, I didn’t tell you before because your profile said you didn’t want children and I didn’t think you’d want to see me if you knew I had them.” Too right, pal, hence why I’m going straight home now I do know.

I can understand a woman not mentioning having children - to avoid being targeted by the sort of man who wants access to children . It happens, we've all read about it, a sensible woman takes steps to protect her children.

I don't imagine men are worried about being targeted in this way.

So IMO, men don't mention they have children in one of two ways - consciously or unconsciously.

The post quoted above is a perfect example of of consciously not mentioning having children. He deliberately withheld that information because his wish for a date outranked her wish to not waste her time. A real 'me, me, me' type of guy. The woman he dates exists only for his convenience and has no inner life of her own. A prince among men!

Unconsciously - it just never occurs to them to mention that have children because frankly it rarely occurs to them that they have children. Their children are that far from being of any importance in their life. Again - a prince among men!

So for me, no matter their personal reason for not mentioning that they have children - I judge them for it, and they fall far short of date-worthy on just that one characteristic.

Im not sure why you think looking after kida is such a bad thing. You should take more chances. He could be the best guy ever

What an odd comment!

Someone who has raised children knows it's not a 'bad thing' but might not necessarily want to do it all over again.

I certainly wouldn't!

My partner and I like the relationship we have with each other's adult children but neither of us want to be involved with raising someone else's children.

It wouldn't matter how great a man was, I don't want to be raising children anymore.

Nope he is a wrongun. Ample opps to tell you, has decided not to.

Funny how men can just casually breeze around life like that "oh didnt I tell you I had kids, I am sure I did" springs to mind. Avoid.

I make sure I switch to WhatsApp before I arrange to meet anyone in real life - 3 reasons -

1. Easier to contact them if you're running late or they are etc
2. To have a nosy at their profile picture - often tells you a lot more about the real them than the photos they have on their profiles - often they have photos of them with their children on the WhatsApp photo - but not on their dating profile (I'm happy to date guys with kids - but not guys who put kids in their dating profile if that makes sense?)
3. I can have a Google of their phone number before the date, especially if I'm meeting them somewhere I haven't been before

I am mid-40s so a-lot of guys have kids, I always directly ask them before we meet as part of getting to know them before working out if I can be arsed to do my hair/makeup and go out

I'm not actually wanting to date guys with kids - but the ones my age who haven't are pretty un-dateable in my experience!

Re your guy/dilemma:

I think he's lied to you basically, not a great start and a deal-breaker for me. Guys who lie about their height - I've had that a couple of times, no age lies and so far no children deniers- in fact most guys are wonderfully proud of their lovely children (green flag for me) although I've never actually got to the actual meeting of children bit

I always declared my baggage. Just easier to get it all out the way before meeting, I think. Made it clear on profile that I had kids too for those who filter this out. Just don’t see the point of not mentioning.

I don't mention my kids on my profile. I work in Child Protection and it's the #1 rule for dating profiles that women shouldn't mention they have kids - it's just a magnet for men looking for vulnerable women & kids.

And I tend to match and meet for a date within a day or two, I don't do small talk. If I'm attracted to someone, if they live reasonably near, if they seem normal from their profile, then I want to meet asap and see if there's an attraction face to face. So some dates I've been on I've not mentioned I have kids before the date, those I have chatted to more, I have. I don't feel I have ever lied by omission. If I get a "what are you up to this weekend", I'd say I had my kids etc. But yeah I've definitely had first dates where men didn't know about my kids. And if I didn't feel a vibe on meeting them, and knew I wouldn't see them again, I wouldn't mention my kids during the date either - just enjoyed elaborate lies about fake holidays I'd had/how I'm an Olympic skier in my spare time etc etc then blocked them and never saw them again

If its not in their profile and it's not in your profile that your not interested in kids then you need to ask tin the first few messages,
I would say "I'm not married or have children" and then ask them how about you?!

Unfortunately some people get really offended when you tell them your not interested in dating them because they have got children, especially if you don't have them, I have tried explaining that I have a child free lifestyle and alot of free time to give to a relationship and I'm not interested on going on days out with children, or holidays with children or long term living with someone else had their children, but it's just met with abuse and being called selfish because I won't put up with all the dramas/hassle/problems not to mention all the restrictions of what you can do and where you can go because of their kids, not the lifestyle I want in a potential relationship unfortunately, but just falls ton deaf ears most of the time

[quote TibetanTerrah]@TheDuchessOfMN maybe I'm coming at this from the mum rather than dad pov, but why is it up to me to ask? Shouldn't it be enough of who you are to have on your profile or at least mention before you meet?

I kinda care more about whether you have kids or not (and whether you're a good dad) more than the long walks on the beach, gsoh spiel.[/quote]
why is it up to me to ask?
I'd say because it is you that has the issue!

I absolutely put it in my profile. Why would you omit such a vital part of your story?

What. A. Dick.

My ex saw me on a dating app and swiped right on me. . Before I blocked him and then decided to bin the dating apps for good, I took a look at his profile. On bumble. His setting is has children and wants more. He doesn’t want more. He can’t afford more. What he wants is to get into younger womens pants who want children and essentially date them for a short period of time before binning them off. Vile.

Tbh I think most men lie on dating apps, including something as fundamental as children. So put it on your profile and ask them outright.

@LightfoldEngines

I have 3DDs and I’ve been single for 6 years, no interest in dating however this has made me think.

If I ever could be arsed with the cess pit that is dating in your mid 30s, I definitely wouldn’t want to date a man with children. Not interested in blending families. I’m also not interested in having more children.

I’m also not interested in having my DDs meet anyone I’d date - which is the main reason why I’m not dating (youngest is only 6), because it’s probably fucking weird that I’d want to keep a relationship entirely separate to my children.

I’m also not sure if I’d mention having children on my profile because let’s face it, a LOT of arseholes out there think single mothers vulnerable and make a perfect target, but I also wouldn’t feel comfortable talking to or going on a date with someone who didn’t know.

Hence why I am very single and will be for a long time

My ex is with a woman, he can’t stand her kids and they can’t stand him. My son hates her!He has told me it’s going to be long term 😂 There are so many messed up kids these days because there parents put being in a relationship first. I’m really not a fan of blended family’s my kids are at tricky ages a teenager and a toddler son and I just think bringing a fella in to the mix wouldn’t be good for them.

[quote TibetanTerrah]@RainyWales I do feel it's a little bit like that tbh. I was laughing about how very very tiny my flat is, and he said in a faux-bragging jokey way, 'is now a good time to tell you I live in a 3 bed house alone, and I want to conver the loft for extra space'. I teased him about him possibly having a secret excessive teddy bear collection and he STILL didn't mention children.

Not to dripfeed but my own dad basically ignored my existence for over 20 years so I'm aware this may be touching a nerve. I'm also a 'full disclosure, honest to a fault' kind of person so deception about something so big unsettles me a bit.[/quote]
Interesting that you call yourself a “full disclosure, honest to a fault” kind of person but didn’t mention in either your profile or the conversation that you don’t want children/don’t want to date someone with children.

I’ve been in a similar position myself online dating and asked the question during conversations to avoid meeting up and discovering that they had children.
If it a dealbreaker for you (which is absolutely fine!), it’s up to you to ask the question.
From the guy’s perspective, he may have assumed that you weren’t bothered about whether he had children as you didn’t ask. 🤷🏻‍♀️

The guy who talked about about the house size and shared dog (but not shared children!?) does seem like he was hiding it though!

Interesting that you call yourself a “full disclosure, honest to a fault” kind of person but didn’t mention in either your profile or the conversation that you don’t want children/don’t want to date someone with children.

Fair enough, but I think I've got to the point where I've realised I have to accept that most men this age will have kids. The thing that's jarred me is having the choice to make my own decision taken away from me. I also hate liars.

He seems keen for another date. I think its probably OK and something I can live with, but longer term I would wonder what else he hides. Thats probably unfair of me, maybe my own baggage.

@TibetanTerrah

Interesting that you call yourself a “full disclosure, honest to a fault” kind of person but didn’t mention in either your profile or the conversation that you don’t want children/don’t want to date someone with children.

Fair enough, but I think I've got to the point where I've realised I have to accept that most men this age will have kids. The thing that's jarred me is having the choice to make my own decision taken away from me. I also hate liars.

He seems keen for another date. I think its probably OK and something I can live with, but longer term I would wonder what else he hides. Thats probably unfair of me, maybe my own baggage.

I completely understand that. I’ve been in the same position myself (online dating in my early 30s) and it really does seem that most men do have children. Him not being upfront about it could be him intentionally hiding it or it could be that he assumed it wasn’t relevant/you also had children too.

Online dating is an absolute minefield!! I definitely understand that him not being upfront has waved a red flag for you. Only you know whether you want to see him again. There’s no right or wrong answer.
Maybe just next time ask the question in advance to be sure!

@TheDuchessOfMN

Lying by omission…

You should make it clearer in your profile that you’re only interested in seeing men who don’t have kids. There’s nothing wrong with that 🤷‍♀️

And if they ignore that bit, you should just ask directly when you’re messaging. Saves you wasting your time

It's only lying by omission if he doesn't regularly have them overnight.

So either he has outright lied to you by saying he lives alone

OR he genuinely lives alone as he has minimal contact with his 3 DC

Whichever it is, either of them would be a big enough red flag for me to not go on a 2nd date

Personally. I'm a single mum and I make a point of mentioning this in the first few messages. More because i can't be arsed wasting my time on someone who would rather date someone without kids

As someone who has children and is with someone who is not the biological father I think it's absurd to keep something like this from a date. There's no point. It's not some dirty secret and it is something that the person has a right to know. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to date someone who has children. To keep it until the first date I find sneaky and as if they're ashamed of it or know, rightly, that it could put someone off. So you are wasting their time. I would be up front about this personally and expect others to also. You're right to be put off by it being kept a secret.

I would expect this to be mentioned in their profile.

It is an important part of the equation and not something they should keep quiet until the first date.

I agree it should either be in a profile or mentioned within a few messages.

It's also not always a negative. I prefer to date men with children so I actually see it as a plus.
I wouldn't say having no kids is a dealbreaker but there would need to be something about them that really stands out for me to consider a man with no children of his own

You ask outright about anything that is a no to you - married, children, smoking, whatever. You do your homework.

"He seems keen for another date. I think its probably OK and something I can live with, but longer term I would wonder what else he hides. Thats probably unfair of me, maybe my own baggage."

Not unfair at all. He withholds what most people would consider pretty basic information about himself, presumably because he feels that's somehow to his advantage. So of course he would bury anything that he felt would get in the way of getting what he wants. That's just logical.