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Original poster

He talked marriage we got to the point of booking. Turns out he doesn't want marriage. Hurt and confused.

89 replies

Emylou1 · 22/02/2022 11:32

Just to give you background. We have been together about 6 years. We have a house together. And last week he discussed the fact he wanted to get married and soon as possible. No engagement. We started to look into places. He discussed april this year he wanted to do it but with work not possible. So we decided on june booked the time off work. Decide to going aboard just the two of us and my sister and husband. We have all talked about it and sorted venue, accommodation, flights etc. Everything sorted. Spoken to the wedding planner. Then we are at the point of booking he tells me he doesn't want any of this. I've got the wrong end of the stick and all happening too quickly. He didn't want it this way. I have got carried away and he was only listening and agreeing but when it comes down to it he doesn't actually want this. But to keep the time off work and maybe we just do a holiday instead. I'm beyond confused and hurt. My sister and husband are totally confused by his change of mind. He made me sound and feel crazy like I imagined the whole thing. Just to also add some extra background he currently has 3 motor bikes and a few weeks ago told me he was getting a Forth and this point I said I was shocked. I was sure we were on the same page in life and wanted to move forward but buying another bike suggested to me he didn't. He has some small amount debt and his bonus was going to be used to pay off the debt but then suddenly buying this extra bike. We have talked abouts kids and he said the bonus would clear the debt and then we could be in a better place for kids. So then to be buying a new bike it changed it. So he he said dont worry i want to get married and i am sorting a ring. Then a few weeks later he annouced he wants to get married and starts to organise things. Then now. He isnt ready and not sure why i got so carried away or where i got the idea from. He made me sound completely crazy. Im hurt and upset by this. Its like we got to the point of booking and he then had to shut it down because it was actually happeniny. Before we when talked to venues etc it was only a dream as such. I'm 33 and he is 35.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emylou1 · 22/02/2022 11:38

Also to add to this. This isn't the first time in hurt me. During the first lockdown he told me he never loved me didn't love me and wanted me to move out. I moved in with my sister and husband. A few weeks later he needed me back and was sorry and that he has been depressed and wasn't thinking straight. I moved back and it took a long time to trust him again. I'm thinking he should have never had this second chance. He wants me but not commitment. He wants to say he wants marriage when he actually doesn't. He has a boy of 16 and think he had him so young he hasn't actually grown up. When we argue he calls me names and threatens to kick me out again. Always me having to leave.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emylou1 · 22/02/2022 11:41

Even today when he said I was crazy and he never wanted it to go so far. I said he blows hot and cold and I'm hurt and confused. And he makes me feel and look like a crazy woman. He told me if he makes me feel like that I need to leave he is done with me and wants nothing more to do with me. And doesn't understand why u wanted marriage if he made me feel like this. He said he will pack a bag for me to leave.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 22/02/2022 11:42

If I was being very cynical, I'd suggest that he said he wanted to get married to get you off his case about the bike, thinking that you would say no its too quick, I want a wedding here, I want to plan a big ceremony etc etc. You unintentionally called his bluff when you said "Yep let's get to it."

I don't think this man has any intention of exchanging his carefree, commitment-free, multiple bike-owning lifestyle for marriage and kids with you.

He's wasted 6 of your most fertile years - if I was in your position and wanted children, I'd be binning him off and getting some eggs frozen so you don't feel pressured to rush into anything new.

Even if kids aren't a deal breaker for you, it sounds like your financial attitudes are not aligned. That really needs ironing out.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 22/02/2022 11:43

He really doesn't seem to give a shit about you does he? He doesn't sound like he even likes you.

Taking him up on his offer to pack for you sounds like a good idea to me.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 22/02/2022 11:44

Fucking hell, only your first post was showing when I started typing my reply. Op, he's a cunt. Get yourself out of there, go to your sister if you can, let her support you.
Then in a week or so contact a solicitor to deal with splitting the house (assuming you own together.)

Original poster
Emylou1 · 22/02/2022 11:46

I agree now. I bought up something and he wanted to keep me quiet. What confuses me the most is asking me to look into everything.he looked and venues and flights with me. Professing to want it. He said this morning he was confused as to why I thought he didn't want and engagement. But thats what he told me. He told me he didn't want that, no point.

OP posts:
NatriumChloride · 22/02/2022 11:48

Get rid of him. He doesn’t want to marry you. He’s an irresponsible spender and emotionally abusive to you, kicking you out of your home on a whim.

12548ehe9fnfobms · 22/02/2022 11:49

Do not stay with someone who routinely threatens the roof over your head in response to an argument.

Arguments & disagreements happen in relationships, it never needs to escalate to that level.

He's shown you who he is, believe him. Set your standards higher. Move on.

PoshPyjamas · 22/02/2022 11:50

Well if you have any self respect there's no coming back from this.

Abouttoblow · 22/02/2022 11:50

This is my first LTB but you really should. He brought up marriage to shut you up about the bike and was thinking you'd want an engagement and wedding and then was shocked when you agreed to just do it.

You deserve better.

Original poster
Emylou1 · 22/02/2022 11:51

I left a previous abusive marriage. Where he was an emotional bully and I feel like he has so many traits and yet I find it so hard to see past things.

OP posts:
Dillydollydingdong · 22/02/2022 11:52

Not quite sure why he thinks you should leave? Surely, if the house is jointly owned and HE wants to finish the relationship, HE should be the one to go? Tell him you'll help HIM to pack his things?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/02/2022 11:52

Love your own self for a change. Rebuild your life without this man in it. I would also suggest you have counselling as well to fully understand why you've kept going back to him and why you chose him in the first place.

Do not remain with this man under any circumstances now; leave him to his beloved motorbikes. He's already hurt you more than once as well; why at all go back for yet more of the same?. Words are cheap; its actions that count here and he is Mr Hot and Cold.

What are you getting out of this?. Sounds like he's only wanted to keep you around merely because you're convenient to him as you likely do all of the housework and look after his son. He is not interested in marriage or having children with you.

formalineadeline · 22/02/2022 11:52

He sounds abusive.

End it. Permanently. Don't stay in contact. Don't take him back. Over. Gone.

Then do the Freedom Programme course because this is not normal relationship behaviour.

formalineadeline · 22/02/2022 11:53

@Emylou1

I left a previous abusive marriage. Where he was an emotional bully and I feel like he has so many traits and yet I find it so hard to see past things.
He probably targeted you because of the vulnerability that caused.

Time to break the cycle.

Original poster
Emylou1 · 22/02/2022 11:54

@Dillydollydingdong

Not quite sure why he thinks you should leave? Surely, if the house is jointly owned and HE wants to finish the relationship, HE should be the one to go? Tell him you'll help HIM to pack his things?
He always thinks I should leave when we argue. He is very forceful and I wouldn't stand a chance to say I was staying. So I would have to go. No choice. He is a very strong character and what he says goes. Not my choice in anything
OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/02/2022 11:55

Sadly you've basically gone from one abusive marriage into yet another abusive relationship; a not uncommon scenario. Your boundaries, already skewed by previous abuse, have been further got at by this abusive individual now.

I would suggest you read the Freedom Programme here as this can be done online.

ClawedButler · 22/02/2022 11:57

He's gaslighting you, making you think you're crazy and must have misunderstood what was actually happening.

He's shown you what his priorities are: bikes, and himself.

Every relationship has its ups and downs, but "downs" to the point where you are deeply hurt, confused and threatened with eviction is not normal.

He seems to think that marrying him is some sort of glittering prize, and living with him is a wonderland of joy no sane woman could possibly turn down.

I'd accept his offer to pack your bags for you. Leave this manboy to play with his toys and strut about congratulating himself on being such a prince among men, and get the hell out of there.

Abouttoblow · 22/02/2022 11:57

If you jointly own the house he can't "make" you leave.

layladomino · 22/02/2022 12:05

He can't make you leave. You have as many rights as him.

He is a bully and he relies on you being frightened and thinking you have to do as he says. Well you don't.

Seek some legal advice. Talk to your sister and seek her support. Don't cover up for him or make excuses for him. He's treated you dreadfully. He gaslights. He manipulates. He messes with your head. He messes you around. He doesn't care about your feelings. He bullies you.

You will be so much better off without him.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 22/02/2022 12:07

@Abouttoblow

If you jointly own the house he can't "make" you leave.
Legally no, but I think given what PPs said about him - ie he's a nasty abusive bully - I think for her own safety (both physical and emotional) she's better off leaving for now and handling things via a solicitor.
Bunty55 · 22/02/2022 12:09

Why would you want to marry someone when you are already arguing and falling out like this ? Crazy.

Original poster
Emylou1 · 22/02/2022 12:11

@Abouttoblow

If you jointly own the house he can't "make" you leave.
He did during covid. He made sure I left. Took my key and said I couldn't come back. Only when he said I could come back was I allowed. I put more money into the house than he did because he didn't have anything and borrowed from his dad to fund his bit of the house
OP posts:
formalineadeline · 22/02/2022 12:14

Ok, so let's move this discussion to how you exit the relationship in the present. Dissecting the past won't help you get out of this situation.

What do you need to be able to leave him?

renovating · 22/02/2022 12:18

You need legal advice. Do you have proof of what you contributed to the house. Is it in joint names?
He sounds absolutely awful and you need to leave him asap.