He talked marriage we got to the point of booking. Turns out he doesn't want marriage. Hurt and confused.

[Emylou1]

Just to give you background. We have been together about 6 years. We have a house together. And last week he discussed the fact he wanted to get married and soon as possible. No engagement. We started to look into places. He discussed april this year he wanted to do it but with work not possible. So we decided on june booked the time off work. Decide to going aboard just the two of us and my sister and husband. We have all talked about it and sorted venue, accommodation, flights etc. Everything sorted. Spoken to the wedding planner. Then we are at the point of booking he tells me he doesn't want any of this. I've got the wrong end of the stick and all happening too quickly. He didn't want it this way. I have got carried away and he was only listening and agreeing but when it comes down to it he doesn't actually want this. But to keep the time off work and maybe we just do a holiday instead. I'm beyond confused and hurt. My sister and husband are totally confused by his change of mind. He made me sound and feel crazy like I imagined the whole thing. Just to also add some extra background he currently has 3 motor bikes and a few weeks ago told me he was getting a Forth and this point I said I was shocked. I was sure we were on the same page in life and wanted to move forward but buying another bike suggested to me he didn't. He has some small amount debt and his bonus was going to be used to pay off the debt but then suddenly buying this extra bike. We have talked abouts kids and he said the bonus would clear the debt and then we could be in a better place for kids. So then to be buying a new bike it changed it. So he he said dont worry i want to get married and i am sorting a ring. Then a few weeks later he annouced he wants to get married and starts to organise things. Then now. He isnt ready and not sure why i got so carried away or where i got the idea from. He made me sound completely crazy. Im hurt and upset by this. Its like we got to the point of booking and he then had to shut it down because it was actually happeniny. Before we when talked to venues etc it was only a dream as such. I'm 33 and he is 35.

Don't waste your life or in honesty your fertility. Don't move out just put the house on the market and move on x

@Bunty55

Why would you want to marry someone when you are already arguing and falling out like this ? Crazy.

Because at the time you only see the good. Not until you step back and review everything do you see it.

Have you ever experienced abuse to understand how it works. They will be all over you and it works. You 'forget' what happened for long enough to 'forgive'

As an isolated single incident this might be something to talk nd work through. But this is not an isolated incident. He doesn't want a future with you. He has actually said that in words. End the relationship. Sort out practicalities and then never talk to him again. Marriage is not gonna save this relationship. You'll be much happier without him

@formalineadeline

Ok, so let's move this discussion to how you exit the relationship in the present. Dissecting the past won't help you get out of this situation.

What do you need to be able to leave him?

The strength to do it. The support.

He wanted to distract you and wanted a holiday. He wouldn't be going that's for sure. He'll keep you in a permanent head fuck just because he can. Always on the back foot.

He has a boy of 16 and think he had him so young he hasn't actually grown up.
Stop making excuses for him.
Becoming a parent doesn't arrest development.
What commitment has he shown toward his boy? Does he pay his way, see him regularly, support him emotionally?

He made me sound completely crazy.
Nasty & gaslighting. But you know you are not, because your sister & her husband know what really happened. I imagine they are shocked & dumbfounded. He has behaved terribly - this is not you.

During the first lockdown he told me he never loved me didn't love me and wanted me to move out. I moved in with my sister and husband. A few weeks later he needed me back and was sorry and that he has been depressed and wasn't thinking straight.
He is not mature enough to sustain a relationship, let alone a marriage.

When we argue he calls me names and threatens to kick me out again
You cannot continue to expose yourself to this.
If you marry him (if you could even get him to commit!) this behaviour won't change. He will continue to control you by ensuring you do as you are told or else he will leave. A marriage certificate won't change his behaviour - just make the leaving more difficult.

Your relationship dynamic is totally skewed. he holds all the power & frequently chooses to remind you of this with his threats to throw you out. There is only one fix for this - make your practical arrangements, & then tell him it's over. And then never look back. This man is not good enough for you.

He did during covid. He made sure I left. Took my key and said I couldn't come back. Only when he said I could come back was I allowed. I put more money into the house than he did because he didn't have anything and borrowed from his dad to fund his bit of the house

FFS OP.
He's only with you for convenience. And you have accepted so little for so long you are no longer thinking straight.
Get an appointment with a good property lawyer ASAP.
You need to absolutely prioritise getting that house sold & getting the equity out as well as the additional funds you contributed.
Did you use a lawyer to ringfence the larger portion of money (deposit?) you put down?

Once you have done that - you need to do The Freedom Programme.
You have tolerated far too much from this man, & you need help & support to be able to recognise the red flags & never get used like this again.

On here we can tell you over and over what you need to do but unless you're prepared to do it it's pointless.
Unfortunately you have jumped from the frying pan straight into the fire.
I know from experience what an abusive relationship can do to you and how hard it is to get out of one but listen when I say that is your only option here.
You need to

1. Believe and accept this is abuse
2. Dig deep for strength, do not allow him to manipulate you
3. Get out
4. Get a solicitor regarding the house and only communicate with him via legal channels about your house. Get every penny you deserve from that property do not allow him to walk over you control you and lure you back in. Which he will do easily if you let him. It will be the hardest thing you've done but it is completely achievable as long as you do not give him an inch.
5. Stay single until you heal. I would definitely recommend you get some therapy to help you work through these relationships and the effects they would have had on you. Until then You will be canon fodder for an abuser. You really need to do some intensive work around boundaries and self worth and how to recognise and react accordingly to warning signs before you enter into any other relationships or you will repeat the same choices.
6. Be kind to yourself, give yourself time you will come out the other side of this so much stronger and self sufficient in every way.

Good luck.

Have you ever experienced abuse to understand how it works. They will be all over you and it works. You 'forget' what happened for long enough to 'forgive'

Yes.
Which is how I recognise your need to engage with this training -
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

I'm so sorry, OP.

Start talking to your friends and family. Say that you've recognised that the relationship is abusive and you are going to leave. Ask for their support.

Call Women's Aid to get support and talk through your options.

Do the freedom program or get individual counseling (I did it through Relate). Focus specifically on gaining the tools to avoid getting sucked into this kind of relationship again.

Speak to a solicitor about your rights regarding housing and what steps you need to take.

Remind yourself constantly that he's a bullshitter.

Good luck and best wishes!

He is not a keeper OP. He’s a lying, manipulative, selfish bastard.

Phone a solicitor, get an appointment to find out your rights. If he threatens to kick you out again call the police. He CANNOT kick you out of your own house. What a c@nt.

There is only one sensible thing to do. Dump him.

I'm sorry OP, but he's given you his answer, he doesn't want to commit.

So you are in another abusive relationship with a nasty bully.

You need to contact Women's aid for advice and support.

You need to gather all paperwork concerning the house and put it somewhere safe.

You need to ask for advice to force the sale of the house.

You need to contact 101 and ask to speak about domestic abuse.

He forced you to leave your home.

Please help yourself.

Ask your family to help you to protect yourself.

He is an abusive, gaslighting man.

Get away from him.

Oh sorry, just seen the updates on the thread. He's abusive, save yourself my love.

Op first go to the Police, his behaviour is a criminal offence coercive behaviour. Then get the property valued, if you cannot buy him out go to see a Solicitor and organize a court order to make him sell the property (because it sounds like he would not agree to sell). He is awful a bully a liar and treats you like a piece of rubbish and you allow it. Stop allowing it take control you deserve so much better. Please come back and tell us you have put the wheels in motion. Good luck

Do yourself a favour and leave him to his motorbikes. You can't allow him to keep on hurting you, like this.

This sounds absolutely awful. Please leave asap.

Cut your losses

He's stringing you along and if you want dc naturally you haven't the time to waste on a commitment phobic gaslighter!

Is your home rented or bought? I think "we have a house together" means bought in which case he cannot kick you out and please make damn sure he doesn't do you out of your share of that asset

I left a previous abusive marriage

How long was there between that relationship and this? Did you get any therapy on that do the freedom programme?

Please say you ring fenced the money you paid on the house and have it all in writing?

I've heard good things about these people re sorting housing legalities while extricating from an abusive relationship

www.ncdv.org.uk

@Emylou1
This man has zero interest in settling down.
Don’t marry him, Divorce is expensive!
If you both own house, arrange for it to be fairly split .

He’ll never be the man you want him to be.
He’s a waster.

He did during covid. He made sure I left. Took my key and said I couldn't come back. Only when he said I could come back was I allowed. I put more money into the house than he did because he didn't have anything and borrowed from his dad to fund his bit of the house

Do you think there is an equal power balance in this relationship?

He did during covid. He made sure I left. Took my key and said I couldn't come back. Only when he said I could come back was I allowed. I put more money into the house than he did because he didn't have anything and borrowed from his dad to fund his bit of the house

This is worrying. You co-own the house so he has no legal right to throw you out of it, take your keys or change the locks. Your words "was I allowed" are particularly sad as you seem to accept this situation, which isn't right. He has no right to take your key or "allow" you anything. You have full rights to your own property and he has no right to tell you what to do or to stop you living in a house you own. You are within your rights to call the police if this happens again which might be a good idea as his treatment of you is then on record.
You could also call 101 and log it if he threatens you. If he tells you to leave, you can tell him that if he wants out, then he has to go as it is your house.

I'd also recommend getting a spare key cut and leaving it with your sister. Please get copies or take the originals of the household utilities bills, council tax etc. and store these elsewhere as well. Also pack up your personal financial documents and keep these away from the house.

Having said that, as a PP has put, you may be better off (and better for your wellbeing) to simply move out and handle everything via a solicitor. Please fix an appointment asap with one for advice and see if your sister and her DH or a friend would be able to help you with transport and packing (take everything that is yours) and find a day when he is out of the house to go. Do not communicate any of this with him. Tell your friends and family - you may be surprised how supportive they will be. It would be best if you don't engage with him at all; block him completely so he cannot try to win you back by whining and when he realises that he has lost control. Do not feel sorry for him, he is in full control of his behaviour. Please do not waste any more of your life on this nasty man.

PPs have suggested the freedom programme, therapy and contacting Women's Aid - all of these are a good idea to help you on the road to recovery.

He is very forceful and I wouldn't stand a chance to say I was staying. So I would have to go. No choice. He is a very strong character and what he says goes

This is not a man you should be marrying in any circumstances. He's a domineering bully.

You can decide the relationship is over, but you don't immediately have to leave.

Is the house rented or owned?

If it's owned, then you need to sort out the practicalities of selling.

Try not to show any emotion with him, just approach it like it's not working and you both need to separate.

In that separation period, do not do things as a couple. Do not do stuff that you would normally do for him. Just maintain a civil manner with him until loose end are tied up.

If he is the type that could get violent, then ignore the above and move out.

No offence but it was also a mistake to plan with a man who did what he did covid. He was showing showing who he is.

*showing you