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Original poster

How important is physical attraction?

125 replies

JustTooSad · 21/02/2022 20:43

I've been chatting to someone I met OLD. We're getting on really well, so far so good.

We've just exchanged pictures and he's completely not my type at all. I appreciate pictures don't always do someone justice but I just don't find him attractive. At all.
I feel awful!

I'd feel so mean rejecting someone on the basis of a photo, where he's clearly tried to show his best side!

So, my question is, how important is physical attraction? Can personality and how well we get on mean this can still go somewhere?

OP posts:
ShagMeRiggins · 23/02/2022 16:55

I genuinely don’t believe you can know if there’s physical chemistry without meeting in person.

Photographs don’t tell the whole story.

And it’s only a coffee. Go for it. You’ll discover whether there’s a spark or not.

Gonnagetgoing · 23/02/2022 17:03

@Musttryharder2021

Definitely depends where you're in life ...if you're mid 30s/late 30s and desperate for a stable, reliable partner to have family with (as time is/has basically run out to keep dating/dumping/being dumped etc) you're more likely to overlook "physical attractiveness" as in it may not be the most crucial attribute to your relationship. I've seen this scenario play out a number of times. Beggars can't be choosers and all that. Nonetheless, they made good couples and got the families they wanted.
@Musttryharder2021 - agreed to some degree at mid to late 30s and desperate for a partner but I know I met some men who I really wasn't attracted to or was... and one man actually sort of rammed the point down my throat (not literally) on our first date that at 34/35 I needed to settle and probably with him because time was running out for me! scream I mean I overlooked "physical attractiveness" in some cases but there were some men who were utter idiots and like to keep women of that age 'hanging around/on', not just me either!

@JustTooSad - based on your latest update I'd say just give it a go with the date and see how it goes. If it goes well, have another date. I will say this, don't agree to another date if he's unpleasant or if things are really off and maybe try the kiss test. If there's no attraction when kissing then it probably won't get any better.

I know this is a MN no no but if the worst thing about him when you meet is e.g. haircut or clothes than can be subtly changed over time with hints from you (not a complete restyle though!).

SheWoreYellow · 23/02/2022 17:07

I think it depends whether you can appreciate that he’s nice looking, but he just isn’t your type, or whether you really don’t think he’s attractive. I don’t see there’s any hope for the second.

ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 23/02/2022 17:52

Physical attraction is very important but this might not be based on looks. I met my DP online and actually didn't like the look of him from photos - you could not wish to come across a less photogenic man! However, in person felt a chemistry I've never come across before and also he smells better than anyone I've ever met.

whatnumber · 23/02/2022 19:08

Physical attraction is very important.
But it can come and go. If someone becomes nasty during a relationship they also become unattractive! If someone can make make you laugh they can become attractive!
I don't think you should go on just a photo.
Just meet him in real life to see.
What have you for to lose?

linchinton · 23/02/2022 19:36

It's important, you have to fancy them to want to shag them in my view.

Most of the guys I've dated I haven't really fancied them from their dating profiles, but meeting up in real life you can see if there is chemistry. I often only fancy guys if they are good kissers, they can be hot as fuck, but if they can't kiss then I walk!

greasyshoes · 23/02/2022 19:46

@gannett

Definitely one of the strangest things I've ever read on MN.

That said I've also read a lot of MN posts that seem to find men's bodies gross and/or hilarious, so you're not wrong that the sentiment exists. I find those posts completely bizarre as well and I feel sorry for their partners.

You say it's one of the strangest things you've read on MN, but then you immediately agree that there's truth in what I've said and that you've seen the same thing?

But it doesn't mean that men are inherently unattractive. I find that kind of thinking deeply misogynist, because that whole "fairer sex" bollocks leads women into a trap whereby physical attractiveness is "our" territory

Well it's true. All men are ugly. I have never seen an attractive man.

I think it's a bit of a stretch to say that saying all men are ugly is misogynist.

Villanelle17 · 23/02/2022 19:47

I think it depends. I've met up with people who aren't my usual type, but who I still found reasonably attractive and found myself really fancying them in person. However, if I didn't find them attractive at all from photos then I don't I would meet them.

ladygindiva · 23/02/2022 20:19

@linchinton

It's important, you have to fancy them to want to shag them in my view.

Most of the guys I've dated I haven't really fancied them from their dating profiles, but meeting up in real life you can see if there is chemistry. I often only fancy guys if they are good kissers, they can be hot as fuck, but if they can't kiss then I walk!

The kissing thing is so true. Went on a date with a BEAUTIFUL man once, the best looking man I've ever seen in real life. The kiss was meh and rubbish and it was all over for me.
BertramLacey · 23/02/2022 20:49

Well it's true. All men are ugly. I have never seen an attractive man.

Hmm. Are you straight? It's fine not to be attracted to men, but it's a bit odd to make such a blanket statement. I find my DP absolutely gorgeous. I love staring at his body.

And don't get me started on a young Brad Pitt, or Elvis Presley, Rufus Sewell, Paul Newman or Henry Cavill. I mean some men, you really do just want to stare at. Well, more than stare, but staring will have to do.

2bazookas · 23/02/2022 21:02

I'd say physical attraction is important but IME has almost nothing to do with looks. Some of the most attractive men I know are not handsome or even good looking. The attraction is in the eyes, the voice, the way he engages with you; the brains , the pleasure of being with him.

Lots of people who are not photogenic at all, are really engaging in the flesh.

Sunnytwobridges · 23/02/2022 21:15

For me it's somewhat important. It doesn't have to be off the charts physical attraction but there has to be SOMETHING that attracts me to them before I actually know them. I have grown to be more attracted to one or two men after I got to know them. But most of the time I'm either already really attracted to them from the jump or the attraction never grows.

Toffeepieandcream · 23/02/2022 21:41

Please go and have coffee with him and report back. I'm much too invested in this already! Also, I agree with previous posters...it can depend on what stage of your life you're at. I'm now 50 and more fussy than ever about physical appearance. Not because I'm I'm supermodel but because I don't feel any pressure to be with a man so I've got to really feel massive benefits would be gained by being with him ;-)

greasyshoes · 23/02/2022 23:12

And don't get me started on a young Brad Pitt, or Elvis Presley, Rufus Sewell, Paul Newman or Henry Cavill. I mean some men, you really do just want to stare at. Well, more than stare, but staring will have to do.

Yeah, but men who look like that are a tiny minority. 1 in a 1000, at most. The rest are ugly. Whereas with women, the majority of women are beautiful.

Shuffleuplove · 23/02/2022 23:25

Oh OP you can’t possibly know if there is chemistry until you’ve met him AND kissed him.
My chap (I’m an OLD grad) is good looking IMO but it was really only when he kissed me that I thought “oh ok! Now I’m focussed!” We had a huge snog on our first date and it was something about how he smelled and tasted that I could never have predicted at all. I got in the car to come home and thought “if I don’t shag that man I will surely die.” I was as surprised as anyone!

KellsBells77 · 23/02/2022 23:35

@greasyshoes

And don't get me started on a young Brad Pitt, or Elvis Presley, Rufus Sewell, Paul Newman or Henry Cavill. I mean some men, you really do just want to stare at. Well, more than stare, but staring will have to do.

Yeah, but men who look like that are a tiny minority. 1 in a 1000, at most. The rest are ugly. Whereas with women, the majority of women are beautiful.

You lesbian @greasyshoes ??. I’ve hung out with my gay (male) cousin and his gay friends and your view is very simliar to what they say about women. I didn’t take offence as they are gay, so naturally enough.

Probably the most famous quote on this is by Stephen Fry when asked about when did he know he was gay: “I suppose it all began when I came out of the womb. I looked up at my mother and thought to myself, 'That's the last time I'm going up one of those”

There’s also videos on YT with gay men viewing the vagina for the first time and are understandably squeamish (tho they are much more polite than the stuff about the female form that I’ve witnessed).

greasyshoes · 23/02/2022 23:40

@KellsBells77

No, heterosexual man.

I don't know about gay men, but women seem to agree with me on men's appearance. Certainly, women on dating apps find most men unattractive.

KellsBells77 · 23/02/2022 23:53

A hetero male commenting on male attractiveness. Confused

garnetcluster · 23/02/2022 23:54

@greasyshoes Re. OLD I've heard the men complaining (including friends) that the truly beautiful people (any age) are in a minority and obviously not short of offers, so out of reach for the average person.

My female friends have said similar to the above re. men, and like threads here describe the majority of the men as potatoes. I think women make more effort?

pawpaws2022 · 23/02/2022 23:57

@Shuffleuplove

Oh OP you can’t possibly know if there is chemistry until you’ve met him AND kissed him. My chap (I’m an OLD grad) is good looking IMO but it was really only when he kissed me that I thought “oh ok! Now I’m focussed!” We had a huge snog on our first date and it was something about how he smelled and tasted that I could never have predicted at all. I got in the car to come home and thought “if I don’t shag that man I will surely die.” I was as surprised as anyone!
That ^^ I knew someone who was objectively fairly decent looking but not my type. I kissed him and it was like "oh. Shit. I'm in trouble now" Grin Attraction up to 10/10
Maze76 · 24/02/2022 00:53

The point of dating is to discover whether there is attraction, if you get on etc… so I can’t see what the issue is?
You may not find him physically attractive, but like others have said, there may be an attraction that takes you by surprise. Also , he may not find you physically attractive in person. It’s a gamble, but you won’t know unless
you go on the date.

Peachy7 · 24/02/2022 07:21

OP - you must have liked his picture enough to reply to his initial message?
I remember seeing pics of a guy online, really was not my type, ended up meeting him socially and there was a huge spark and loads of sexual attraction, liked lots of others have said you can't really judge from a picture.
Give it a go.

ravenmum · 24/02/2022 07:34

[quote garnetcluster]@greasyshoes Re. OLD I've heard the men complaining (including friends) that the truly beautiful people (any age) are in a minority and obviously not short of offers, so out of reach for the average person.

My female friends have said similar to the above re. men, and like threads here describe the majority of the men as potatoes. I think women make more effort? [/quote]
Did you sign up to MN specifically to share this opinion, or have you namechanged?
As you know, "beautiful", "attractive" and "making an effort" are three different things. And if women did not find men attractive, OP wouldn't be asking this question.

SarahBellam · 24/02/2022 08:11

I'd go for a coffee. Its really hard to tell anything from a photo and it's not a good indicator of whether you will fancy him or not. In my OLD days, I met a few hunks but I had zero chemistry with them, but when I met my DP, who isn't conventionally handsome, it was like an electric current ripping through me. The attraction comes from how they move, how they express themselves, how they treat others, how confident they are...It's been 7 years since I met my DP and I think he's gorgeous. I haven't even looked at anyone else since the day we met.

garnetcluster · 24/02/2022 09:31

@ravenmum "Did you sign up to MN specifically to share this opinion, or have you namechanged?"

I've posted several times on this thread already, and my reply was to greasyshoes. As to whether I've name-changed, I'm not sure why you're interested enough to have searched, as it's both irrelevant and none of your business.