How important is physical attraction?

[JustTooSad]

I've been chatting to someone I met OLD. We're getting on really well, so far so good.

We've just exchanged pictures and he's completely not my type at all. I appreciate pictures don't always do someone justice but I just don't find him attractive. At all.
I feel awful!

I'd feel so mean rejecting someone on the basis of a photo, where he's clearly tried to show his best side!

So, my question is, how important is physical attraction? Can personality and how well we get on mean this can still go somewhere?

Do you mean make the first move on a dating site? That's a different thing.

Do go for a look-see.
DP has an old school friend; definitely not my type, and not conventionally attractive in any sense of the word. But whenever we hang out with him I find myself thinking how absolutely gorgeous he is -kind, funny, unassuming, engaged, responsive. If I'd met him OLD I would most likely have responded like you to a photo of him, but his innate goodness, when in his presence, makes him hot.

@JustTooSad You need to take a visit to the Women's Rights forum because you seem to have inflicted a set of standards on yourself that are unreasonable. Why are you not allowed to pick someone you're sexually attracted to? Why wouldn't you be worthy of that?

[quote EarthSight]@JustTooSad You need to take a visit to the Women's Rights forum because you seem to have inflicted a set of standards on yourself that are unreasonable. Why are you not allowed to pick someone you're sexually attracted to? Why wouldn't you be worthy of that?[/quote]
I just feel quite shallow and superficial judging someone by what they look like when everything else seems to tick all the boxes.

I'm sure if a man posted to say he found a potential date ugly based on 1 photo, he'd get flamed!

But equally, you have to find someone sexually attractive to have sex with them!

You've invested a lot of time and thought into someone you haven't even met yet .

Get on with meeting the bloke and take it from there.

Also, how come you even started contact with him with no photo?

Honestly you are over thinking it and maybe self sabotaging yourself. Go on the date, see if you fancy him. Attraction is not only based an physical appearance, it’s based on pheromones, the way they make you laugh and so many unidentifiable things. I’m not sure if you have friend zoned him already tbh which is quite sad because my dh isn’t someone I would have looked at twice if I saw him in the street but it has worked out fine

@Chamomileteaplease

You've invested a lot of time and thought into someone you haven't even met yet .

Get on with meeting the bloke and take it from there.

Also, how come you even started contact with him with no photo?

That's what I wondered, how they made contact with no initial photos.

I've heard plenty of heterosexual women express disgust at male physiology and male anatomy. So I don't think there's such a thing as a physically attractive man.

Definitely one of the strangest things I've ever read on MN.

That said I've also read a lot of MN posts that seem to find men's bodies gross and/or hilarious, so you're not wrong that the sentiment exists. I find those posts completely bizarre as well and I feel sorry for their partners.

But it doesn't mean that men are inherently unattractive. I find that kind of thinking deeply misogynist, because that whole "fairer sex" bollocks leads women into a trap whereby physical attractiveness is "our" territory - thus we're judged on it and place outsize importance on it. (Conversely, although men will rarely get judged if they don't have model looks or aren't made up to perfection, a lot of them internalise the idea that they're physically unattractive, which is unhealthy to say the least.)

I think its incredibly important tbh. I was with someone I didn't fancy for years and hadn't realised how much it impacted until we split up and I got together with my current BF. The chemistry is unreal and it is just fantastic to look at someone and just never get enough of them.

But I also don't think that you can really tell until you meet someone face to face.

OP if you don't go on the date, you will never know if you clicked in person or not.

I think that would bug me as it would feel like a 'what if' to me.

He seems open enough from what you say about a meet up. If he is really not for you after, then what have you lost really.

It's essential if you want to have a sexual relationship. Bear in mind that some people aren't photogenic so a static snapshot might be misleading. He might be much more appealing in real time! Is it just his face or is there something about his body you find unattractive?

I feel like a bitch and very shallow for allowing what he looks like to have such an impact. But attraction is so important!

It really isn't shallow to want to be sexually attracted to a sexual partner. But I would meet him, IME photos aren't a great indicator of what someone looks like in the flesh. Some people photograph really well whilst others photograph quite badly.

And don't worry about giving him false hope. It's a coffee, not a marriage proposal.

If you don't want him to get his hopes up, stop chatting to him on the phone for hours! It creates a false intimacy, almost as if you're a couple already. That really is leading him up the garden path. Stop playing around, meet up for a coffee and you'll soon know if you are interested in dating. Tell him in advance that you can only meet for an hour. Have a set phrase ready in case it's a no - "has been lovely meeting you but I don't think either of us are feeling it".

The overwhelming majority of men are really ugly, so if physical attraction was important, then very few men would have any kind of relationship at all
eh? 😂

I'm split on this tbh I believe that physical attraction is 100% important BUT that doesn't have to mean you find them physically attractive in pictures or even visually. Sometimes the physical attraction actually comes from chemistry in my opinion I've been in situations where someone is physically at first like omg wow but there is just 0 chemistry so 0 action on the other hand I've been with people that wouldn't atypical be 'my type' or that I wouldn't usually say I'm attracted to then the chemistry is just there and phwaaor

Which parts of him do you not find attractive? Face, pallor, physique, hair, clothes? Because sometimes people pick photos of themselves thinking they look good and objectively, they really aren't the most attractive photos of them at all.

I take wedding photos and the bride and groom often LOVE the most random of shots, that never in a million years would I say are the best. I worked out a lot of the time it was the shots that made their insecurities feel better - so it made their teeth look straighter, or covered up a birth mark, made their eyes look less slitty or their nose different or their arms/legs/stomach look slimmer or they looked to have more hair etc. We tend to zoom in on our insecurities, and choose photos based on that whereas others view us more objectively. Maybe he has done that?

My DHs profile picture online was of him dressed up at work like an idiot for a Xmas party. I didn’t really have a clue what he looked like. 🤣 so glad I met him, he is delicious

Massively, especially at the start

Massively for me 😬😅

It really depends on you as a person. It's important to me, but I also know a friend who seems genuinely very happy with her partner, but wasn't attracted to him at all when they met. She's said the more they've gotten to know each other, that the attraction has grown.

My husband isn't my physical type, but I have always been attracted to him.

For me its very important. OLD can be great because you can see good looking men but have no spark IRL. Don't make the mistake I did once which was dating a man who I really wasn't attracted to but then it turned out the sex was good (for one reason) but of course it was short lived!

The last man I dated before my boyfriend, he wasn't conventionally my type either in personality or looks but we actually got on quite well and were attracted to each other.

Current boyfriend - well met him 11 years ago - fancied him then dated a few months but we were both immature. Reconnected last year and the attraction is still there but we've both matured. Plus we both want the same things.

You can also do the '3 date rule' which is where you meet for 3 dates - if after 1 it's a disaster then leave it, but if dates 2 and 3 it gets better then carry on. You usually know by date 3 if it's worth putting in the effort on both sides.

@OrlandointheWilderness

I think its incredibly important tbh. I was with someone I didn't fancy for years and hadn't realised how much it impacted until we split up and I got together with my current BF. The chemistry is unreal and it is just fantastic to look at someone and just never get enough of them. But I also don't think that you can really tell until you meet someone face to face.

@OrlandointheWilderness - this is so true re with someone you don't fancy - or you just settle.

I worked with 2 women who were friends in their early to mid 30's - 1 had been married but young and was divorced (more like friends). She had an affair (yes I know) but after that ended lived by herself and met her now DH through a friend (he is 7 years younger) - he's good looking but I think a bit shy but you could tell the chemistry and attractiveness and it obviously grew. Her colleague and friend was living with a man who I think she'd 'settled' with. They broke up and she met a man at work who was separated from his DW. They went out and you could see from the start again chemistry - both of them head over heels. It was around the time in 30s when the biological clock starts ticking like mad so that accounted for a lot of it but they're both still together a few years on, with kids. So yes, I think chemistry or being attracted to someone does count. But it can grow too.

@Chamomileteaplease

You've invested a lot of time and thought into someone you haven't even met yet .

Get on with meeting the bloke and take it from there.

Also, how come you even started contact with him with no photo?

Not really, we've spoken on the phone twice and exchanged a few messages. I wouldn't call that overly invested

It's my first foray into OLD so have never really considered entering into a relationship with someone who's personality appeals but then physically doesn't. It's normally the other way round.

I'm actually really shy so didn't want my face over a dating site, you can have a picture of anything you want. He messaged me first and we hit it off, and here we are.

Definitely depends where you're in life ...if you're mid 30s/late 30s and desperate for a stable, reliable partner to have family with (as time is/has basically run out to keep dating/dumping/being dumped etc) you're more likely to overlook "physical attractiveness" as in it may not be the most crucial attribute to your relationship. I've seen this scenario play out a number of times. Beggars can't be choosers and all that. Nonetheless, they made good couples and got the families they wanted.

Not really, we've spoken on the phone twice and exchanged a few messages. I wouldn't call that overly invested

I don't think it's the amount you're messaging him - I think it's the worrying about leading him on and whether or not there's any attraction that makes it sounds like it's a big deal to you. But from your update maybe that's just because OLD is new to you, so it's more about OLD and less about him specifically.

Just meet him for coffee. And remember, you don't owe anyone a relationship, not him and not anyone else either. You can go on several dates and then decide someone isn't right for you. It doesn't create an obligation.