I’ve had enough of my husband’s precious first born syndrome

[seaborgium]

Sorry this post is so long.

DS is still on purees because DH is terrified of choking. At the moment DH works mornings and I work afternoons. I give DS finger foods while DH is at work but I have to be very careful not to get caught. I got caught giving DS batons of courgette once and DH absolutely exploded and went on a two hour yelling rant about how DS is going to choke to death one day.

He still weighs our chubby cheeked 91st centile 10 month old DS about once a week. His constant paranoia about whether he was gaining enough weight was perhaps understandable in the newborn days when he was struggling to latch but seriously? DH once went into a panic because DS gained less weight than expected and went from slightly above the 91st centile to slightly below the 91st centile - he insisted on formula top-ups but luckily the baby refused the bottle.

DH does’t want DS crawling on the floor because ‘the floor is dirty’. So DS only gets to crawl on the floor when DH is at work, the rest of the time he is only allowed to crawl in his playpen. DS spends most of his time in the baby walker because he gets fed up with the playpen very quickly. He is in the grey zone for gross motor on the 10 month ASQ. We actually have quite a clean floor IMO.

When DS is asleep DH often asks “are you sure he’s asleep and not dead?”. He often ends up waking DS in his attempts to verify that he is still alive. When DS first began rolling back to front DH was constantly waking him up by rolling him onto his back. Some nights DS refuses to sleep in his cot and we end up on a mattress on the floor and when that happens DH is up half the night worrying about whether DS is going to suffocate or get rolled on top of.

DH wouldn’t let me buy a sling until DS was three months old. He said that putting a newborn in a sling is dangerous because newborns don’t have enough head control. DS could already hold his head up when he was born.

For the first 6 months or so DH was jittery every time I picked up DS. He was constantly going on about how worried he is that I might drop DS. He set up a bedroom downstairs so that I wouldn’t have to carry him up and down stairs.

For the first few months DH would not let me take DS for a walk without him because he was scared that we would get run over. Then he relaxed the rules a bit and allowed me to take him to the local park so long as I followed a prescribed route.

@SolidGoldBrassiere

I think the lack of empathy demonstrated by a large number of posters for someone who clearly has a MH problem is astounding.

No wonder people - and particularly men - are still scared to admit to struggling with their MH if they are written off as 'controlling' and 'abusive'.

He should at least seek help before the OP decides to leave him and start again with a young baby.

He is being controlling and abusive though.

Oh god love him. This is full on anxiety. He needs to see the GP pronto. You need to get the health visitor round to explain to him that he’s fucking up your son’s development - he needs to be eating solid food, he needs to be crawling on the floor.

If you’ve been going along with it all this time it’s going to be a big change, so I’d have a chat with the HV early next week. Say your concerned, about his MH and the stifling of the baby’s development - she’ll say you’re right to be, and then you can go to DH and say the HV is concerned. There will likely be shouting, sulking and denial, but this is serious and needs to be dealt with.

This is abuse of you and your son
You oh is having a breakdown or is knowingly abusive
He needs help asap

Actually - I just read your last 3 paras which I didn’t the first time. This is really really concerning OP because he is controlling your behaviour and parenting to an abusive degree.

Talk to the HV, but also can you prime your parents or a friend so you can come and stay? If not, ring women’s aid. It may be that he can get back on track with medical help, but you may very well need to move out for a while.

This situation is only going to get more abusive.

‘ “are you sure he’s asleep and not dead?”.’

Right, that’s it.
That is beyond reasonable & rational concern.

Speak asap to your GP about this.
Your OP is in need of help, & his dysfunction is affecting you & your child.

Please do not hesitate or delay.

DH does’t want DS crawling on the floor because ‘the floor is dirty’. I work for a children`s Foundation specialising in services for learning difficulties. Children that have poor handwriting skills have often missed out on the crawling stage where this builds up their arm strength.

I have joint issue that means I drop things a lots, and suffered foot drop post birth so kept falling over dh helped me put her in a sling, set up the pram so i could go for walks, never once questioned it. He had the is she sleeping or dead, as did but wouldn't question if I said I checked, likewise if he checked I accepted the answer. Either, he has very severe anxiety or abusive, I think ppl are right, speak to health visitor first, relay whay she says or ask him to go to the appointment and how he reacts should be telling

Mental health issue with severe anxiety. Don’t pander to this as it feeds it. He’s only going to get worse so he either takes it seriously and gets medical assistance or you need to leave. This will hamper your son’s development and will also affect your son’s mental health growing up. It’s definite ultimatum time I’m afraid.

You realise your child is also going to grow up extremely anxious if he continues like this?

Phew so glad DH didn't consider me batshit, controlling or abusive when I was the same when DS was little. Thankfully he was kind and understanding and I got help and a diagnosis of severe anxiety and OCD. I often worried that DS was dead when he was asleep and was terrified of losing him. It's been hard but with my partners love and support I was able to let go of some of that anxiety but it will always be with me just at a level that we are able to cope with.

@KilljoysDutch

Phew so glad DH didn't consider me batshit, controlling or abusive when I was the same when DS was little. Thankfully he was kind and understanding and I got help and a diagnosis of severe anxiety and OCD. I often worried that DS was dead when he was asleep and was terrified of losing him. It's been hard but with my partners love and support I was able to let go of some of that anxiety but it will always be with me just at a level that we are able to cope with.

Did you ever yell at him for two hours?

Hi there, OP,

We're so sorry to hear you're having such a difficult time with all this. It sounds really hard to cope with.

We thought we'd just pop in with a link to our mental health webguide. There are a few numbers on there your husband could contact if he can be persuaded, and some you could even contact for a bit of support and some advice, too. Otherwise, your GP or health visitor should be able to give you advice about how to handle this and help you find a way forward.

All the best. MNHQ

It's irrelevent whether he has a MH issue or is just a control freak. The fact is he's seriously restricting your baby's development and if you allow him to continue he will cause more and more behavioural and emotional issues in your baby the older he gets. Insist that he gets help or gives his head a wobble or you and baby leave please! Your child's health and wellbeing come first. He's a grownass adult his problems are his own x

DH needs therapy otherwise all this a xiety will transfer to your DS and he will grow up with huge issues. If he won't go voluntarily, you will have to contact his GP and force the issue. You duty is to your wee boy.

That's not PFB that's uncontrolled anxiety that will impact on your child's development if it's not sorted out.

Purée fed babies are actually more likely to choke than those weaned on solids. Babies aren’t designed to eat purees, it was an invention to make money.

This link will provide really good, peer reviewed information and videos demonstrating normal gagging. Studies show consumption of purees past nine months lead to problems later on which include picky eating and speech problems. Hopefully peer reviewed factual information will help alleviate any anxiety. solidstarts.com/starting-solids/safety/gagging/

It's not PFB. It's anxiety. Please get him to see a doctor. I still check my children at night now to make sure they're alive and breathing, and they're 14, 13 and 6. If the older two are out with their friends, I don't only think "oh, I hope they're having a lovely time"- I also worry that they're going to get stabbed, beaten up, kidnapped, have acid thrown at them, get hit by a car, be caught in a terrorist attack, etc. If I'm not extra busy and occupied in the day when they're at school, I worry about accidents and incidents that may befall them there. The sound of an ambulance in the vicinity of my children's schools make me worry it's for them.

I strongly believe that I still struggle with this because my postnatal anxiety was waved away by everyone who noticed it. I was a fussy mother, an annoying perfectionist, not someone desperately in need of help.

Definitely hindering his child’s development and wellbeing. Whether it’s driven by anxiety or not - his behaviour is unacceptable. Sounds like anxiety, but if he’s behaved this way prior to your DC being born…? This is just such a worrying pattern.

I had anxiety with my first who was born with lots of medical issues ( not minor issues e.g. I had to do CPR on her at 7 week while waiting for the ambulance..). Nearly lost her twice in the first 6 months. I wasn't as bad as you describe your husband to be but I was pretty bad and recognize myself in your description. I worried about everything ALL the time. On top of this I had pretty bad PND. I got help, and was able to pull myself together but not before my mother confronted me in a pretty strong but compassionate way. She could see I was depressed, extremely sleep deprived (due to DC's medical issues and the care needed being 24/7) and I was losing my grip. I tried desperately to control DC's environment as I couldn't bear losing her. I thought if I did this or that, then everything would be OK.

I get his behavior is exasperating, even intolerable and totally unreasonable. I feel for you as you've had a baby and you're having to contend with this as well. He needs help and if he won't get it I'm afraid you really have to ask him to move out until he does. This type of anxiety is very bad for children, they can and do pick up on it even as very little babies.

This is severe health anxiety by proxy, he needs help.

It sounds like anxiety from what you say OP. Agree with everyone here saying he needs to visit the GP and get a referral to IAPT for an assessment (for CBT; the best evidence-based approach in the case of anxiety). He can also self-refer to IAPT. However the waiting times are often long and the amount of sessions offered often not enough. The alternative is to look at cbtregisteruk.com/ for a BABCP accredited CBT therapist who will be able to assess the nature of his anxiety (preoccupation with health, intrusive thoughts with internal or external compulsions, panic - just examples, all with slightly different approaches for treatment) or refer on if there is a problem outside their scope. It’s really important they’re accredited by BABCP. The GP may discuss with him the possibility of some medication just to take the edge off things so he can make better headway with therapy. I really hope he can get the help he clearly needs and get this sorted asap as it must be so hard for you.

This sounds absolutely ridiculous and he is hindering your sons development as a result of irrational fears. He needs to see a doctor because when will this end? When he's 1,2,3 poor soul will never get to do anything because of the if, buts and maybes.

Bloody hell.

He sounds like the sort of person who would, if you try to leave them, abduct the baby because he doesn't believe you're capable of keeping it alive without his control.

And I dread to think how he's going to react if the kid falls over and gets a graze - enraged with you/accusing you of all sorts.

I'd tread very carefully with this. Very carefully.

Hi OP, not sure you need someone else to say this but your husband is very unwell and you need to do whatever you can to force him to get help as this is already having a huge negative impact on your DS and this will only get worse. I say this as someone with PTSD who is prone to severe anxiety, I do everything in my power to keep myself well to prevent this affecting my DS. You must not enable this any longer.

He needs help - if he refuses I’d contact social services for advice and leave him. It’s not healthy and he will be impacting the child’s development.