I’ve had enough of my husband’s precious first born syndrome

[seaborgium]

Sorry this post is so long.

DS is still on purees because DH is terrified of choking. At the moment DH works mornings and I work afternoons. I give DS finger foods while DH is at work but I have to be very careful not to get caught. I got caught giving DS batons of courgette once and DH absolutely exploded and went on a two hour yelling rant about how DS is going to choke to death one day.

He still weighs our chubby cheeked 91st centile 10 month old DS about once a week. His constant paranoia about whether he was gaining enough weight was perhaps understandable in the newborn days when he was struggling to latch but seriously? DH once went into a panic because DS gained less weight than expected and went from slightly above the 91st centile to slightly below the 91st centile - he insisted on formula top-ups but luckily the baby refused the bottle.

DH does’t want DS crawling on the floor because ‘the floor is dirty’. So DS only gets to crawl on the floor when DH is at work, the rest of the time he is only allowed to crawl in his playpen. DS spends most of his time in the baby walker because he gets fed up with the playpen very quickly. He is in the grey zone for gross motor on the 10 month ASQ. We actually have quite a clean floor IMO.

When DS is asleep DH often asks “are you sure he’s asleep and not dead?”. He often ends up waking DS in his attempts to verify that he is still alive. When DS first began rolling back to front DH was constantly waking him up by rolling him onto his back. Some nights DS refuses to sleep in his cot and we end up on a mattress on the floor and when that happens DH is up half the night worrying about whether DS is going to suffocate or get rolled on top of.

DH wouldn’t let me buy a sling until DS was three months old. He said that putting a newborn in a sling is dangerous because newborns don’t have enough head control. DS could already hold his head up when he was born.

For the first 6 months or so DH was jittery every time I picked up DS. He was constantly going on about how worried he is that I might drop DS. He set up a bedroom downstairs so that I wouldn’t have to carry him up and down stairs.

For the first few months DH would not let me take DS for a walk without him because he was scared that we would get run over. Then he relaxed the rules a bit and allowed me to take him to the local park so long as I followed a prescribed route.

OP - they stayed involved because of your DH, not because you have Autism.

Have you told them about all of his demands and controlling behaviours? If not, then you need to. Because this man absolutely should not have custody of your child, and he wouldn’t automatically get it just because have ASD, I’m genuinely concerned about where you’ve got that information from.

You need to stop taking him on as this is encouraging him to carry on being ridiculous

@seaborgium

My relatives all live far away so I’m not sure where I would stay if I were to leave. If I have to pay for accommodation and childcare near my work then the combined cost would be more than my income. I am not confident about claiming benefits. Most of our savings are in DH’s account. So if I were to leave then I would be very much reliant on the Bank Of Mum and Dad.

Has anyone here been in a similar situation and successfully managed to get their partner to take antidepressants? Are SSRIs or bupropion better for anxiety issues like this? He’s been trying to quit smoking for years so I’d like to kill two birds with one stone and get him on bupropion.

It’s difficult to discuss these issues with the health visitor or DH’s mum or anyone else. I am scared of how DH would react if he were to find out that I had grassed him up.

Let me explain why social services were involved. In hospital the safeguarding midwife saw on my medical records that I was diagnosed with autism and language delays when I was four years old. A learning disabilities nurse visited me in hospital and the safeguarding midwife wanted to investigate whether I had the cognitive capacity to look after a baby. Then DH’s behaviour caught their attention and they began to suspect domestic abuse.

they began to suspect domestic abuse.

Well they weren't wrong there are they? You are in a domestic abuse situation. Your husband is abusing you. Can you ask ss and/or your HV for help to get help for your husband or to get away from him?

Then DH’s behaviour caught their attention and they began to suspect domestic abuse.

Yes. So nothing to do with your ASD. As has been said, the only thing that leaves you at risk of losing your child is if you stay with this man and cover for him instead of protecting your child.

It is not an attack to say that - it would be doing you a great disservice to lie and say this is ok and there will be no harmful consequences if you continue your current path. It's not ok and there will be harmful consequences.

You can use entitledto to look at benefits eligibility. There is also info on Citizens Advice.

It is easier to start a claim now than it used to be.

Nobody can help you if you lie about what's going on. If you tell them you're scared of your husband and scared of his reaction to your disclosure they can take the right steps to look at what support or protection you might need.

Women's Aid is another avenue of support.

@FennecShandDoesEverything

Stop indulging his anxiety. Tell him you will no longer be a prisoner of his illness and neither will your baby, and he needs to see his GP or else the two of you have a serious problem.

Yep this!

Your DH has very bad anxiety,
Possibly OCD. He really needs to get some help via his GP. This impact on you and your child is not going to be great. He needs to make a choice here, the right one would be to get help.

Can you talk to your GP about it? It is impacting you and your child hugely.

Then DH’s behaviour caught their attention and they began to suspect domestic abuse.

So why would YOU lose custody of your child if you left? This makes no sense.

What was his behaviour in the hospital that raised concern? And was this behaviour there before you had a baby with him?

So there is already help there, willing and ready too come to your aid.

They're not wrong. This is abuse. Of you and of your child. It's even worse now you've admitted you don't have access to joint savings because he puts the money into his accounts.

Call your social worker back. Ask for help. Call women's aid. Ask for help.

You will not be losing your child, especially if you make the call asking for help because you're showing them that you are very capable of looking after this child.

Benefits are not scary. You'll get a top up on your income, you'll get help with childcare costs and you would get child maintenance.

Time away from him doesnt need to be permanent if he takes his mental health seriously and get help. Real help which he follows through on and which makes a real, tangible difference to his behaviour.

I know it is hard. But it isnt just you now. There is a child. A child who is falling being developmentally because it's father wont allow development opportunities. This will get worse with age. You say he gets angry and threatens you with things when you push back. Children push back, they talk back, they argue. His behaviour will soon start directly onto your child.

You need to do this. You need to step up and do this for your child.

And there won’t be any need for Bank of Mum and Dad, the UC forms are very simple to fill out. SS can also aid with all of this.

Oh lovely, this thread is really hard to read. SS services won’t take your baby from you, it sounds like they were more concerned about your H than you (rightly it seems). You have been so brave speaking to his mum - well done. I still think you need some more support because as others have said this hasn’t addressed the issue.
My anxiety was once so bad through PTSD that I sat on a wall for an hour crying on the way to the supermarket because I was too scared to keep walking and too scared to turn back. I can’t even remember what exactly I was scared of in that moment, because really the specific ‘fears’ are not the issue - the anxiety has an energy all of its own and will just latch on to whatever is closest. Crawling, food, falling down the stairs, if you deal with one worry (by buying a rug) the anxiety just latches onto something else. That’s why he needs medication and therapy, and if he doesn’t and you are afraid of his reactions then yes this situation becomes abusive. It will only get worse as your son gets older - toddlers are terrifying and always putting themselves in danger!!
Is there a health practitioner you trust - your health visitor, or your own gp maybe? You have been so brave so far reaching out here and coming back to this thread when it must be difficult to read, now you little one needs to just to bring in a bit more help to get your DH the support he needs, and if he won’t accept it then they will support you to do whatever is right for you and your DS, but I very, very much doubt your DS will be taken from you.

You won't lose your baby because you have ASD.
It is a form of abuse.

@seaborgium

My relatives all live far away so I’m not sure where I would stay if I were to leave. If I have to pay for accommodation and childcare near my work then the combined cost would be more than my income. I am not confident about claiming benefits. Most of our savings are in DH’s account. So if I were to leave then I would be very much reliant on the Bank Of Mum and Dad.

Has anyone here been in a similar situation and successfully managed to get their partner to take antidepressants? Are SSRIs or bupropion better for anxiety issues like this? He’s been trying to quit smoking for years so I’d like to kill two birds with one stone and get him on bupropion.

It’s difficult to discuss these issues with the health visitor or DH’s mum or anyone else. I am scared of how DH would react if he were to find out that I had grassed him up.

Let me explain why social services were involved. In hospital the safeguarding midwife saw on my medical records that I was diagnosed with autism and language delays when I was four years old. A learning disabilities nurse visited me in hospital and the safeguarding midwife wanted to investigate whether I had the cognitive capacity to look after a baby. Then DH’s behaviour caught their attention and they began to suspect domestic abuse.

So he's the problem, not you.

@seaborgium

My relatives all live far away so I’m not sure where I would stay if I were to leave. If I have to pay for accommodation and childcare near my work then the combined cost would be more than my income. I am not confident about claiming benefits. Most of our savings are in DH’s account. So if I were to leave then I would be very much reliant on the Bank Of Mum and Dad.

Has anyone here been in a similar situation and successfully managed to get their partner to take antidepressants? Are SSRIs or bupropion better for anxiety issues like this? He’s been trying to quit smoking for years so I’d like to kill two birds with one stone and get him on bupropion.

It’s difficult to discuss these issues with the health visitor or DH’s mum or anyone else. I am scared of how DH would react if he were to find out that I had grassed him up.

Let me explain why social services were involved. In hospital the safeguarding midwife saw on my medical records that I was diagnosed with autism and language delays when I was four years old. A learning disabilities nurse visited me in hospital and the safeguarding midwife wanted to investigate whether I had the cognitive capacity to look after a baby. Then DH’s behaviour caught their attention and they began to suspect domestic abuse.

OP as a healthcare professional I can promise you that there's no magic pill that will 'fix' this. There may be a place for anxiety medication but the problem seems to overwhelmingly be that he has really unhelpful thought processes and this is deeply embedded in personality and not fully fixable by medication. Any kind of meaningful change is not going to happen overnight and is going to likely require intensive therapy such as CBT and an awful lot of commitment on his behalf. There's only so much you can do to help him and only so much you should have to do. Whatever the reasons behind his actions the comment I've quoted is screaming of someone who's in an abusive and controlling relationship. I'd strongly recommend you contact women's aid or similar charities who will give you practical and emotional support should you want to leave. Nobody can tell you what to do but please put your child first xx

If you don't have access to your own money then he is also financially abusing you.

Please call Womens aid for advice.

Yes OP I got DH onto meds. We came to a crunch when he lost his shit in the first lockdown and the police came. That was the trigger for him to get his anxiety under control
I begged him to see gp before baby was born as I knew he’d find it too hard and he didn’t.
6 months of insane behaviour ensued
Similar to you- thinking the baby’s dead when sleeping
-going mental if I don’t shut the steriliser lid properly

• obsessive cleaning, to the point where I was totally abandoned with baby and he was scrubbing the kitchen
• suspicion of any new baby gadgets and refusal to use them
• refusal to look after baby ( couldn’t cope with it )
• HV and nursery nurse intervened and helped out so much
• having to call MY DM to reason with him

( I had a thread months ago about his behaviour, once DM took the baby as I was literally dying of lack of sleep and this was explained to DH and he started to hoover once she’d gone) Tried to explain to DMIL , but she wasn’t really having it. But she knows i threw him out twice

I KNOW you’re at your weakest and most vulnerable right now, but you need to get this sorted. DH wasn’t too pleased about bring made to see gp st first. He is currently resisting an ADHD referral but I’ll get there. I’m not living my life like this, and neither should you and DC x

@billy1966

If you don't have access to your own money then he is also financially abusing you.

Please call Womens aid for advice.

This!

I strongly advise you to get proper advice. Sounds like the previous SS involvement was because of him, not you.

If SS had concerns about him being abusive so early on that indicates his behaviour now is more abusive than due to anxiety.

That you don't have access to family money also points towards him being abusive.

Women's Aid can give you good advice and help you and DS leave and go to a place of safety, together.

• and I also nearly had the HV refer me to social work but for DH as I was worried what on Earth was going to happen next if he didn’t address himself. ( I left him for the first time alone with the baby and he let him get injured )

Having read your update this is a much bigger issue than your H mental health and I say that as someone who had really serious perinatal mh problems.

This is sounding like abuse. SS will not be interested in taking a baby away from its perfectly competent and loving mum but may support you to get away from this man who is negatively impacting both your lives.

@seaborgium

My relatives all live far away so I’m not sure where I would stay if I were to leave. If I have to pay for accommodation and childcare near my work then the combined cost would be more than my income. I am not confident about claiming benefits. Most of our savings are in DH’s account. So if I were to leave then I would be very much reliant on the Bank Of Mum and Dad.

Has anyone here been in a similar situation and successfully managed to get their partner to take antidepressants? Are SSRIs or bupropion better for anxiety issues like this? He’s been trying to quit smoking for years so I’d like to kill two birds with one stone and get him on bupropion.

It’s difficult to discuss these issues with the health visitor or DH’s mum or anyone else. I am scared of how DH would react if he were to find out that I had grassed him up.

Let me explain why social services were involved. In hospital the safeguarding midwife saw on my medical records that I was diagnosed with autism and language delays when I was four years old. A learning disabilities nurse visited me in hospital and the safeguarding midwife wanted to investigate whether I had the cognitive capacity to look after a baby. Then DH’s behaviour caught their attention and they began to suspect domestic abuse.

If you speak to Women's Aid he won't find out you've told anyone about the situation unless you tell him. Women's Aid aren't going to tell him. Thry can give you advice in what's normal behaviour and what isn't. They can help you with planning how and when to leave, buy they won't make you leave if you don't want to. They can help you access suitable housing. They can help you with benefits claims. You don't have to go through this alone.

@seaborgium

I can’t leave. I have ASD so if I leave DH then it’s likely that I would lose custody of DS. We have already had involvement from social services, which further stoked DH’s anxiety. Now DH is worried that DS might get injured and social services might find the bruise suspicious and take him away etc. etc. etc. If I don’t obey his rules then he gets very angry, threatens divorce and tells me that I’m irresponsible and I’m playing russian roulette with the baby’s life etc.

Persuading him to see a GP and try antidepressants is going to be very difficult. I am now wondering if he has some kind of anxiety disorder. He worries about money, he worries about whether the house is going to burn down, he buys a motorbike lock for his bicycle that costs almost as much as the bicycle itself…

That first paragraph. Those are the lies he tells you to make you frightened enough to submit to his control.

It's actually thee opposite. You'll be more likely to lose your son if you stay with him. Being autistic doesn't mean you lose your child to social services. From your posts on this forum it's obvious you do know how to physically look after a child. You also need to look after his emotional welfare by not allowing him to be raised in an abusive environment.

When the nurse etc wanted to see you in hospital, something triggered that. Do you think they have time to read all the way through everybody's notes back to childhood? I don't. Maybe they read yours because they saw something "off" in you and wanted to know more about you. At first they had concern your autism affected you badly enough tha it might prevent you looking after a child. Then they changed their mind and suspected that what they were seeing in you was the effects of domestic abuse. That's not a reason to remove your child from you. It's a reason to offer you support to remove yourself and your child from your husband.

You need to start letting people know how bad things are. You could click the button that shows all your posts on this thread, then copy and paste them into an email, if you can't find the words to explain.

Has anyone here been in a similar situation and successfully managed to get their partner to take antidepressants? Are SSRIs or bupropion better for anxiety issues like this? He’s been trying to quit smoking for years so I’d like to kill two birds with one stone and get him on bupropion.

You are not his doctor
It would be for him to discuss
You cannot dictate what he takes
But you need to be honest with your gp
About what is happening
And how you feel
Scared of his anger
To getvyou support

One room, kept obsessively clean with new rugs on the floor, is going to get nowhere near solving the problem. Your child needs to crawl anywhere he likes. He needs to be eating solid food. He needs to be going out and about with you.

It needs to be spelled out to your DH that his restrictions are harming, not protecting his child. The baby's immune system isn't being primed, leading him to be more vulnerable to allergies and to leukaemia. His gross motor skills are already behind and will become more so.
He's not eating solid food, chewing or biting - which will prevent his jaw developing properly, and lead him to be more prone to choking in the future, not less. Also his speech could be affected.

Is he going to let him toddle around in the garden this summer? Or is the grass going to be too germ-ridden?