I’ve had enough of my husband’s precious first born syndrome

[seaborgium]

Sorry this post is so long.

DS is still on purees because DH is terrified of choking. At the moment DH works mornings and I work afternoons. I give DS finger foods while DH is at work but I have to be very careful not to get caught. I got caught giving DS batons of courgette once and DH absolutely exploded and went on a two hour yelling rant about how DS is going to choke to death one day.

He still weighs our chubby cheeked 91st centile 10 month old DS about once a week. His constant paranoia about whether he was gaining enough weight was perhaps understandable in the newborn days when he was struggling to latch but seriously? DH once went into a panic because DS gained less weight than expected and went from slightly above the 91st centile to slightly below the 91st centile - he insisted on formula top-ups but luckily the baby refused the bottle.

DH does’t want DS crawling on the floor because ‘the floor is dirty’. So DS only gets to crawl on the floor when DH is at work, the rest of the time he is only allowed to crawl in his playpen. DS spends most of his time in the baby walker because he gets fed up with the playpen very quickly. He is in the grey zone for gross motor on the 10 month ASQ. We actually have quite a clean floor IMO.

When DS is asleep DH often asks “are you sure he’s asleep and not dead?”. He often ends up waking DS in his attempts to verify that he is still alive. When DS first began rolling back to front DH was constantly waking him up by rolling him onto his back. Some nights DS refuses to sleep in his cot and we end up on a mattress on the floor and when that happens DH is up half the night worrying about whether DS is going to suffocate or get rolled on top of.

DH wouldn’t let me buy a sling until DS was three months old. He said that putting a newborn in a sling is dangerous because newborns don’t have enough head control. DS could already hold his head up when he was born.

For the first 6 months or so DH was jittery every time I picked up DS. He was constantly going on about how worried he is that I might drop DS. He set up a bedroom downstairs so that I wouldn’t have to carry him up and down stairs.

For the first few months DH would not let me take DS for a walk without him because he was scared that we would get run over. Then he relaxed the rules a bit and allowed me to take him to the local park so long as I followed a prescribed route.

I'm going to take a wild stab in the dark that you have never struggled with anxiety.

Then you'd be wrong. I have an anxiety disorder. Not that my MH is any concern of yours.

Omg. Protectiveness to the extreme. Your child might be late to develop physically if he's not allowed to crawl around the place.

This will start to harm your child and his development. Don’t let that happen. Your DH must seek urgent treatment for his anxiety and you need to start letting your child have normal experiences throughout the day (not just when DH is at work). It may be that your DH has to move out for a period until he is healthy enough to allow your DC to develop normally.

Blimey, sounds like living in hell. Hope you can get some help, as other posters suggested.
PS He doesnt need to wake baby up to know he's alive. We also check my nephew when he is sleeping, either watch for his chest of face to move or put a hand in front of his mouth/nose.

This is definitely severe anxiety. Combined with the fact that he rants and raves at you rather than having a sensible discussion makes it unacceptable and if he doesn't agree to seek help I wouldn't stay in the relationship. He is going to have a very negative impact on your baby if this continues.

He is also actually wrong about many of those issues: babies have a really strong gag reflex which prevents choking as long as foods are cut appropriately, plus chewing crunchy foods is very important and plays a role in speech development. Wearing babies in slings is wonderful for developing their head control/neck strength and gross motor skills.

Have all these replies been a bit of a shock op? Didn’t you realise that his behaviour is more extreme than you realised?

He sounds very anxious. I was ott anxious about certain things when my babies were little. Any tiny rash and I'd take them to the doctors to make sure it wasn't meningitis. I wouldn't let anyone drive them etc but as they got older I relaxed.

It is good for them not to be in a sterile environment though and at 10 months should be eating just make sure that nothing like grapes or cherry tomatoes unless cut up.

Your husband is catastrophizing every little thing including your son sleeping and thinking he is dead. It sounds like he has a severe anxiety disorder and needs immediate medical attention to deal with his obsessive behaviour. Treatment for your husband is very urgent, and I think he might need to leave for a period until he is better and your baby can develop without his obsessiveness controlling him and hindering his ability to grow and develop. Good luck OP. This sounds very hard.

Wow that’s exhausting to read, much less live.

It’s obviously a stonking mental health issue and he needs to address it before the baby gets any older and more aware.

I'm going to take a wild stab in the dark that you have never struggled with anxiety.

I have, @TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo and I completely agree with @WildPoinsettia. Anxiety is not an excuse for shifty behaviour to others, OP’s DH has an obligation to get himself treated.

Your poor, poor husband. He is obviously really anxious and needs your love and support to get we. Those saying leave him, he's controlling etc - so ignorant.

If a woman had this kind of overwhelming anxiety, the advice would not be to leave her!

Please help him. It's not his fault and he loves his son so much that his anxiety is overtaking rational though. Poor guy.

Also very hard for you - but that's what relationships are for. Love and support.

Does he hit you? You Sound totally controlled by your Husband and also scared to have let him do this for 10 months. I would absolutely not let this carry on .

Your poor, poor husband. He is obviously really anxious and needs your love and support to get we. Those saying leave him, he's controlling etc - so ignorant.

And those discounting this level of control are ignorant of domestic abuse.

He’s developmentally delaying your child. Get a grip of this before it’s seriously damaging!

What would happen if you did any of these things you’re “not allowed” to do? Are you scared of your husband?

This sounds like a horribly toxic and worrying situation.!

I haven't read the full thread, but from what I see OP hasn't commented since the initial post.

I think it seems very obvious OP's husband is suffering from severe, debilitating anxiety. He sounds unwell and that he needs professional help and support. Anxiety this severe is horrific to suffer from. It's an illness as valid as any other.

I'm very surprised at posters suggesting he is being abusive or that OP should leave him as a first option . (Obviously men can and sadly often do use children as a way to control the mother, however that doesn't sound the case here at all unless there is a lot of background we haven't been given.) If it was a father posting about a mother with such anxiety would posters first reactions really be for the father to leave the mother and take her child?

His anxiety is obviously irrational and he needs help to cope with it for the health and wellbeing of both his child and himself. I think getting a referral to mental health services for appropriate help is key here.

Best of luck OP to you and your family. It is such a difficult thing to go through. I am thinking of you all and sending you all best wishes!

He's either anxious or abusive.
I don't understand why it's impacting your DC's motor skills when your Dh works and isn't at home all the time. If he works regular hours then whoever cares for your DC during the day can ensure your DC gets the stimulation they need.
Abusive partners ramp up their abuse when a child arrives because they can use the child as a pretext for being controlling.
Equally, if there are underlying issues from your DH's childhood they can cause anxiety.
Either way, your DH needs to deal with this and you need to start protecting yourself and your child. Stop pandering to his anxiety. If he shouts and rants, leave. If you still have a health visitor, tell them what has been going on. You can also make an appointment with your DH's GP and tell them about your concerns.
None of this is going to get better on its own. You need to act.

It's clearly not domestic abuse! The guy is unwell! He's terrified of his baby choking etc. So much for all the #bekind stuff. Clear case of obsessive and anxious behaviour and people have 0 sympathy and brand him an abuser. Just awful how lacking in understanding people are about mental illness

Your DH sounds ill op, he really needs to speak to his GP. Has his anxiety always been this bad?

@Huevosrotos

It's clearly not domestic abuse! The guy is unwell! He's terrified of his baby choking etc. So much for all the #bekind stuff. Clear case of obsessive and anxious behaviour and people have 0 sympathy and brand him an abuser. Just awful how lacking in understanding people are about mental illness

No-one has branded him an abuser. Posters have said he could be ill. He could be abusive. Regardless of how many exclamation marks you use, you don't know which it is. It may be worth noticing that the OP hasn't mentioned his anxiety impinging on any other aspect of his life. But it is meant to control every aspect of OP and baby's life. If you don't know about domestic abuse, that's fine. But don't pretend you can diagnose someone with a MH issue over the internet.

Those saying that this is purely domestic abuse, what on earth would he be getting from this?

Making a bedroom downstairs so that OP doesn't have to carry the baby down the stairs? There's no benefit to him in that, nor does it somehow cost OP a freedom. It's just terror that she might fall with the baby. Preventing her from feeding the baby anything but puree? Again, there is no gain to him, other than a slight effect on his incredibly strong fear that the baby will choke.

These things are not about control of the OP in the sense that a purely domestic abuse centred action would be. It's pretty clear that he's having dreadful intrusive thoughts about his baby dying, and trying to control the baby's environment, rather than OP (though that might also be the outcome).

It seems very much like a combination of anxiety and OCD to me (and yes I do know what I'm talking about)

It would freak me out living with a partner who said things like "are you sure the baby's not dead?" and "he's going to choke one day". Why tempt fate?

You need to sit down with your DH and explain to him that his version of parenting will eventually cause harm to his son. He will pass his anxieties on to his child and give him a tiny fearful life.

But unfortunately it may not be as easy as leaving him, because if he wanted he could get half of every week to pass on these harmful ways. The best thing you can do is challenge him on it. Point out that it's delaying his development. And frankly the more stuff you do with your son away from his father the better, especially socializing.

That is just so far beyond any normal PFB anxiety that it is way out of sight.

Personally, I am sure I couldn't live with that and just wouldn't accept the level of control he is exerting - making rules about when and by what route you can take DS to the park, not wanting you and DS to go out without him!! FFS.

All of the issues you mention are horrendous and he is actively hindering your baby's development.

Speak to your Health Visitor and GP. Ultimately though, if DH won't recognise that he has a problem and get help then your marriage may not survive and you may have to leave with DS.

This is really really concerning.
He needs mental health help, and you need to set some boundaries and not keep going along with his avoidance.
Hopefully he can get taken on by a community mental health team and they will use exposure therapy to help with this sever anxiety or OCD.

OP doesn't even sound like she finished the first post, let alone bothered to come back.

@saraclara

Those saying that this is purely domestic abuse, what on earth would he be getting from this?

Making a bedroom downstairs so that OP doesn't have to carry the baby down the stairs? There's no benefit to him in that, nor does it somehow cost OP a freedom. It's just terror that she might fall with the baby. Preventing her from feeding the baby anything but puree? Again, there is no gain to him, other than a slight effect on his incredibly strong fear that the baby will choke.

These things are not about control of the OP in the sense that a purely domestic abuse centred action would be. It's pretty clear that he's having dreadful intrusive thoughts about his baby dying, and trying to control the baby's environment, rather than OP (though that might also be the outcome).

It seems very much like a combination of anxiety and OCD to me (and yes I do know what I'm talking about)

Not every thread has to be derailed by posters trying to imply domestic abuse isn't a possibility when the statistics and the patterns are very well documented. Are you certain it isn't abuse? No, then don't undermine the possibility and try to derail OP's thread. If you want to read about what abusers get out of abuse then there are lots of resources available from charities working on VAWG.