I’ve had enough of my husband’s precious first born syndrome

[seaborgium]

Sorry this post is so long.

DS is still on purees because DH is terrified of choking. At the moment DH works mornings and I work afternoons. I give DS finger foods while DH is at work but I have to be very careful not to get caught. I got caught giving DS batons of courgette once and DH absolutely exploded and went on a two hour yelling rant about how DS is going to choke to death one day.

He still weighs our chubby cheeked 91st centile 10 month old DS about once a week. His constant paranoia about whether he was gaining enough weight was perhaps understandable in the newborn days when he was struggling to latch but seriously? DH once went into a panic because DS gained less weight than expected and went from slightly above the 91st centile to slightly below the 91st centile - he insisted on formula top-ups but luckily the baby refused the bottle.

DH does’t want DS crawling on the floor because ‘the floor is dirty’. So DS only gets to crawl on the floor when DH is at work, the rest of the time he is only allowed to crawl in his playpen. DS spends most of his time in the baby walker because he gets fed up with the playpen very quickly. He is in the grey zone for gross motor on the 10 month ASQ. We actually have quite a clean floor IMO.

When DS is asleep DH often asks “are you sure he’s asleep and not dead?”. He often ends up waking DS in his attempts to verify that he is still alive. When DS first began rolling back to front DH was constantly waking him up by rolling him onto his back. Some nights DS refuses to sleep in his cot and we end up on a mattress on the floor and when that happens DH is up half the night worrying about whether DS is going to suffocate or get rolled on top of.

DH wouldn’t let me buy a sling until DS was three months old. He said that putting a newborn in a sling is dangerous because newborns don’t have enough head control. DS could already hold his head up when he was born.

For the first 6 months or so DH was jittery every time I picked up DS. He was constantly going on about how worried he is that I might drop DS. He set up a bedroom downstairs so that I wouldn’t have to carry him up and down stairs.

For the first few months DH would not let me take DS for a walk without him because he was scared that we would get run over. Then he relaxed the rules a bit and allowed me to take him to the local park so long as I followed a prescribed route.

I think being mentally ill and being abusive are NOT mutually exclusive. Nobody is saying they don't sympathise with this man but your child's safety and wellbeing come first. People (mothers and fathers) constantly play the mental health card to justify child abuse and complain when social services get involved etc. The truth is that a child's brain is going to develop almost entirely based on the experiences it receives from its main caregivers in the first few years and this is completely regardless of why it received those experiences. Unfortunately once you have a child it does and should mean that this child is a priority.

As others have said, this isn’t pfb syndrome, it’s full blown anxiety. If your partner doesn’t seek help, his anxiety will negatively impact your son and blight his childhood. His anxiety will be the reason your child will be prevented from doing things important to his emotional and physical development. His anxiety will be the constant cloud you will parent your child under. His anxiety will the foundation for how your child interacts with the world.

This is serious and your partner needs professional help but it’s his choice if he engages or not, just as it is your choice to raise your child in an environment that is detrimental to your child’s healthy development.

The balls in your court.

I agree with the comments other than to see a GP. I mean he can do, but what is the GP going to do. There is very little mental health support available via the NHS. He could go on a waiting list .. for a very long time.

He needs counselling. I recognise some of these responses in myself which is related to PTSD & childhood anxiety disorder.

Does he have a employee assistance programme at work? he needs some specialist counselling - if you can afford it. My counselling is means tested (you pay according to your salary).

I can’t leave. I have ASD so if I leave DH then it’s likely that I would lose custody of DS. We have already had involvement from social services, which further stoked DH’s anxiety. Now DH is worried that DS might get injured and social services might find the bruise suspicious and take him away etc. etc. etc. If I don’t obey his rules then he gets very angry, threatens divorce and tells me that I’m irresponsible and I’m playing russian roulette with the baby’s life etc.

Persuading him to see a GP and try antidepressants is going to be very difficult. I am now wondering if he has some kind of anxiety disorder. He worries about money, he worries about whether the house is going to burn down, he buys a motorbike lock for his bicycle that costs almost as much as the bicycle itself…

Why would you lose custody of DS?

So in order to prevent his child being taken into care he is abusing the child and impairing his child's development?

I have ASD so if I leave DH then it’s likely that I would lose custody of DS

Why? Who told you that? That would be highly unusual.

What increases your likelihood of losing your son is to stand by while your husband abuses him.

If you withhold the stimulation a baby needs to make developmental progress during the key time it needs to happen in, his brain will never develop certain abilities.

That is catastrophic.

Why would having asd mean that you would lose custody? Why have SS been involved previously?

No. ASD that does not impact your ability to live independently and partner means you are no more or less qualified to parent than any other individual.

Your asd alone does not mean you will lose custody. Is there more to it than that?

Why was social services involved? That changes things and may be why your DH is very anxious to the extreme.

What's the story with SS?
How much sleep is your DH getting?

Did he tell you that you would lose custody because you have ASD? That is completely untrue.

Sorry. Wrong thread.

Your husband sounds very ill but through the illness he is abusing you. This is not OK because he is ill.

Do you think your DH will manipulate the situation/make things up so that you dont get custody?

You need to write down every single incident as it happens, and as many as you can remember for the past and hide it somewhere he won't find (on your phone or physically). Write down what he says word for word. Write down if he's shouting or threatening. No emotion, just record facts.

Things like:
12/2/2022
I gave DS a bit of toast. H came back and shouted at me for 15 minutes, called me "Xyz". I can't explained that it was fine he shouted "shut up, it will kill the baby". This was all in DS's hearing.

If you do decide to divorce then you show this to your lawyer. It's amazing how much things become normalised and how much you forget. They won't give custody to someone who treats you and DS like this if they can help it.

Having said that he sounds ill. Obviously you can always leave a relationship whenever you like, but if relationship is otherwise good and he agrees to get help, you might not want to leave. Keep writing it down anyway even if you plan to stay, you never know.

Sorry typo - " I calmly explained" that should say, not I can't explained!

@toomuchlaundry

Why would you lose custody of DS?

OP have you read all the advice you have been given at all?

Many people have ASD, I do. That's not a reason for social services to take your child, or even for involvement on its own.

Hard to guess without the full story, but maybe your partner's extreme anxiety got you flagged up with them? If you were both going to appointments coming across as overly anxious I can see how medical professionals might have thought you'd benefit from some extra help. Did you ask them why they got in contact?

I feel for you. It has to be very tough living with such a domineering person, whatever the basis for the behaviour. It sounds like you're doing everything you can for your baby. Baby steps are probably the right thing for now. Do what you can. Encourage your husband to seek help. Perhaps test the water with your parents or anyone you trust, find out privately whether they would they support you if you left.

We have already had involvement from social services

Why was this, OP?

ASD, in itself, is 100% not a child welfare issue.

Escalating health anxiety OCD, leading to controlling behaviour, on the other hand…

He needs help

For 1- a messy/dirty child is a happy child
My kids are always in mud etc And been typical kids !!
Why can't he crawl and learn and move around the home he lives in? they won't learn otherwise !!
Also as for not on anything but purée at 10months??? I weaned mine from 6 months from milk to purée food an I introduced finger food really quickly as it's great for teething (carrot Barton's, cucumber etc) was always my own cooking mashed up and gradually I mashed it less and less.
Kids are all different but it's as though he's holding your child back. No matter how clean your floor is. Their baby grows get dirty either way !!

I would talk to your own health visitor and or doctor and describe what you’ve described here and see what they say
He sounds very controlling whether it is from anxiety or not your dr can help you deal with it
Please do it soon as your little one will pick up this pretty soon

Really feel for you OP.

You having to obey his rules so that he doesn’t get angry isn’t healthy. Yes he does sound like he has severe anxiety to me.

Do you have family you can stay with? I personally would go live at my parents with the baby and tell him I am not coming back until he gets professional help. I totally get that it’s not easy to leave though and you might not have anyone to stay with or anywhere to go. Maybe someone on here knows a number you can call for help in these types of situations?.

I wouldn’t listen to his threats about your baby being taken away because of your Asd. It’s really common these days and I’m sure loads of parents have it,

If you feel you can’t leave, are there any other steps you can take to make things easier for you both eg:

• can any other family members look after your child while DH watches. Maybe if DH sees his own parents letting your child crawl and eat finger food he’ll realise it’s ok.
• can you get someone neutral like a family member or even a close friend to talk to DH. So that he can see it isn’t just you that thinks his behaviour is out of control.
• would DH let someone else (grandparent) watch your baby while he goes out. Maybe time each week to relax will help his mental health.
• can you show him videos of babies eating finger foods (I was nervous about this too in the early stages and there are good ones on YouTube) so he sees that it’s normal.
• you can buy a special mattress with an alarm apparently that monitors babies breathing. That could help you all get some sleep.

Really hope things get better for you.

For 1- a messy/dirty child is a happy child

Like all generalisations this is batshit. Our grandaughter hates being dirty or messy. Absolutely detests it, while her brother couldn’t care less. Who’d have thought all children aren’t the same?

This is a really tough situation OP, and you have all my sympathy - and everyone else's too I expect.

But you need to realise how seriously ill your husband is and that is behaviour is abusive - 'if I don't obey his rules' is such an alarming sentence to read. Things are only going to get worse for you and your child.

He needs help now. And you and the baby need support. I am no expert, but I cannot see how you are going to lose custody of the baby because you have ASD (many many people do) or because you've had SS involvement (many many people do). Removing a child from a parent is an absolute last resort, and nothing you've said indicates anything like that.

If you can't take action for your sake, take it for your son's.