TW: grooming. If you were a parent to teens in the 90s/00s...

[backtothe90s1]

Anyone is welcome to give me their views on this, but I'm particularly interested in hearing from people who were parents to teens in the 90s or early 2000s or earlier. People today including myself would have a 2020s view of this situation, but I know things were seen differently in the past.

When I was 15 I met a man who groomed me for a year and then started dating me when I was 16. He was 24. He sort of wore me down until I said yes. Sadly I was so desperate for love in any form at 16 I just went along with it.

My parents were aware of this and encouraged the relationship, even encouraging me to stay with him when I wanted to leave him after a few months. He coerced me into sex with him before I was ready amongst other things. I stayed together with him for a few years, and we bought a flat when I was 18. I finally left him aged 19 and my parents let me walk away with £0 equity from the flat (this was the point in time when the house prices started to skyrocket).

I'm now in my late thirties with a young daughter. I would never let her at 16 date a 24 year old, and I'd be very open as to the reasons why. I would also not let my daughter be taken advantage of financially in this way with anyone she got together with at whatever age. As a parent by today's standards I can't imagine acting like how my parents did.

I asked my husband, when you were 24 would you date a 16 year old? And his response was absolutely not and he would take a very dim view and not want to associate with a guy in his twenties who was pursuing a teenager.

I suppose what I am asking - particularly to the more mature in age mumsnetters - is, is this a case of all this would have all been fine by the standards of the 90s, or did my parents let me down badly?

I think I already know the answer but I'm really interested to hear others views.

Thanks

I was a teenager in the 90s. Absolutely no way my parents would have been fine with me dating someone that much older. They generally didnt say no to me about choices like that but they would have definitely spoken to me about their concerns. They were a bit concerned when I was 18 and briefly dated a 23 year old

I know exactly what you mean OP, it was exactly the same for not only me but all my female cousins, it was almost seen like ‘oh aren’t you lucky, they could have anyone but they’re choosing you’

I ended up with a coercive controlling 27 year old at 17...very lucky indeed 🙄

Hmm I was also a teenager in the 90s, & a friend of mine aged 16 dated a 21 year old. We all thought it was a bit odd but nothing like as big a deal as I would find it if my daughter dated someone with that gap at that age.

I think at a societal level older men dating teenagers wasn't seen as such a big deal as it would be now. There was that whole 'wild child' trope for example.

My bil met his ex-wife when she was 14 and he was about 10 years older. He literally hung around outside her school in his work van. This would have been mid 90s. When dh told me about it, he said PIL were fine with it which shocked me a bit.

That said, it's hard to imagine parents not looking out for the interests of their dc.

I was just talking about this actually. When I was at school a girl was dating a guy who left several years before. Back then nobody was bothered. That was about 1998. I think he would get called all sorts these days.
My dad was 37 when I was born and my mum 20. They drifted apart eventually but were married 18 years.

In 2003 ish my friend aged 15 was dating a 24 year old she met in an internet chat room. He originally told her he was 19.

We thought he was a bit old but it didn't occur to us for a second that it was predatory Especially once she turned 16 it seemed totally fine because she was 16

Her mum knew about it and liked him She was a younger mum, only 20 when my friend was born and had a string of bad relationships so maybe she had generally poor boundaries and standards for relationships? No idea but it was so so weird looking back TBH. It was unusual for paremts to allow their teen DC to knowingly have sex but it was done by some parents because "better than in a back alley" but age gap didn't seem to be factored in to the discussion at that time.

Sorry, I know I'm not a mum from that time period. You can actually go back and search the MN archives of the early 00s to see what people were saying back then.

You had Britney Spears and other teenaged singers in school uniform singing sexually charged lyrics on the music channels all the time.

I was a teenager in the early 90s and I remember lots of us heading to nightclubs age 16 with fake ID. There were plenty of chaps in their 20s hanging around us.

I remember one girl in my year dating a chap in his 40s, if not older. She was very slight and didn’t have a good home life. He used to collect her from school in his beige Austin Allegro. We initially assumed that it was her Dad. You’d think the teachers would have raised concerns but they didn’t.

Do you remember that soap Eldorado with the older bald chap and his very young girlfriend?!

Do you still have a relationship with your parents? Is it good? I'm not sure I'd be able to get over this one tbh. I do understand that it can be difficult for parents to stop their children dating people they don't like ( push them into their arms sort of thing!) but it sounds like you weren't exactly desperate to be climbing out of windows to go and meet him in the night.

I'm sorry this happened to you OP. I do think your parents let you down badly

I was a teen in the 90's. In year 10 & 11 (1995-1997) there were definitely girls dating men and talking openly about it. They were usually the cooler cliques so not sure if at the time it was ignored/accepted because they were seen as too mature to date 15/16 year old boys but yes thinking back it's incredible to think of it happening and seemingly being ok.

I had a 22 year old boyfriend when I was 15 in 1996. My parents were not keen but didn't really try and stop me. I was in nightclubs drinking and they knew. I definitely would not allow my daughter to do any of this under any circumstances.

I went out with a 20yo when I was 16, with my parents blessing. He was a friend of a relative and pursued me. His DPs thought I was 14 (!) but did not object. With hindsight it was very unhealthy. He was coercive, sulky, extremely jealous and controlling. At the time it was seen as normal and we were together 7 years. I moved away with him, worked while he studied, and was pretty miserable for a lot of it.

If a 20yo targets my DD when she is 16, I will not be happy.

I was a teenager in 90s and 00s. No way in hell would my parents have been okay with any of this. They let you down.

My sister was dating a sleazy, pervy alcoholic aged 17. He would have been 33 or 34, already had a failed marriage and a son from a one night stand.

I don’t remember anything being said.

I was a teen in the 80s, and had boyfriends much older- although it wasn't assumed you'd have sex in those days. At least, not in a hurry. So while I was dating guys five to ten years older than me, I wasn't having sex with them.
And no, parents didn't object.

Life was very different back then. I remember when I was at school in the early 90s, 14/15 year olds were often dating 18/19 year old boys who would pick them up from school in their cars. Nobody batted an eye lid. But back then you could get served in a pub at 14.

I remember those sort of stories as a teenager in the early 00s and my parents always thought it was wrong, but they were smart and protective of us kids in general.

When I was 16 I went out with a 21yo and although I wasn’t with in very long, I was absolutely besotted with him! I guess it fizzled out with the age thing (I was still at school!) but it’s all happy memories.

Then when I was 17 I met DH who was 21 and we are still together 25 years later.

Lots of different factors go into this so I’m not saying it’s right or wrong, but I certainly don’t think those age gaps are odd and I wouldn’t think anything of it with my DD either.

Yeah I was 15 he was 23. Don't think of it as weird tho but I wouldn't let my daughter do it.

But then I met my (still) DH when I was 18 and he was 28. Were still together now tho at 40/50 and it worked out well.

2004 When I was 15 my first boyfriend was 21. He worked in the corner shop where my school bus dropped me off. He flirted with me from when I was 13, we went on our first “date” when I was on an inset day from school. He took me to a pub and asked me what I wanted to drink and I asked for a Diet Coke, he said I could have an alcoholic drink but I didn’t want one… Because that’s how Naive and well behaved I was. Anyway told my Mum, she was fine with it. I’m from a nice but dysfunctional family. He had sex with me when I was 15. I lived with him on and off until I was 19, he cheated on me repeatedly, lied, stole, took drugs. Not once did my parents think our relationship was wrong, they obviously didn’t know the really bad stuff but it was clear he was no Angel. When I’ve spoken to my Mum about it and asked her why she thought it was okay she said “he was young for his age?”
In the past few years I’ve really started feeling quite sick about it. He’s married now with two daughters and I wonder if he ever thinks about what he did.

I was a teen in the 90s and out drinking and clubbing from 16, ID just wasn't a thing in most places. I always went for boys a few years older, some with own houses and cars. They just seemed more interesting and mature than the penniless students. My parents didn't bat an eyelid. My friend met her husband at 16, he was 25. Her parents weren't impressed but they came round eventually, they're married with kids now. I have a 15 year old, she has no interest in a boyfriend right now and I'm more than happy with that.

I was 15 in 1995 dating a controlling 21 year old, my parents did nothing to stop it.

I was a teen in the 90s and, although my parents certainly wouldn't have allowed me to date a significantly older man, it did seem to be a thing with the cool girls at school. This was the era of Bill Wyman and Mandy Smith (he was 47 and she was 13 years old). It seems almost impossible to understand now, but I think some parents thought an older boyfriend would be a steadying influence on a daughter who was a bit wild, and keep her out of trouble.

When I was 17/just turned 18 in the 90s, I started dating my English teacher from the sixth form I just left. He was 27. Totally inappropriate. My parents were fine with it. My mum even went to a parent's evening and came back and told me she thought he 'liked' me.

Girls at school from the fifth year were going clubbing and sleeping with adult men. My friend was a year younger than me at sixth form so I d be 16 and her 15. She was having sex with men of 28-30. I think lots of parents were frankly borderline negligent. Mine included.

When I was 17, I briefly dated a 27 year old and my parents were really against the relationship. At the time I thought they were controlling and “telling me what to do” now I’m older I realise they helped me to dodge a bullet!