TW: grooming. If you were a parent to teens in the 90s/00s...

[backtothe90s1]

Anyone is welcome to give me their views on this, but I'm particularly interested in hearing from people who were parents to teens in the 90s or early 2000s or earlier. People today including myself would have a 2020s view of this situation, but I know things were seen differently in the past.

When I was 15 I met a man who groomed me for a year and then started dating me when I was 16. He was 24. He sort of wore me down until I said yes. Sadly I was so desperate for love in any form at 16 I just went along with it.

My parents were aware of this and encouraged the relationship, even encouraging me to stay with him when I wanted to leave him after a few months. He coerced me into sex with him before I was ready amongst other things. I stayed together with him for a few years, and we bought a flat when I was 18. I finally left him aged 19 and my parents let me walk away with £0 equity from the flat (this was the point in time when the house prices started to skyrocket).

I'm now in my late thirties with a young daughter. I would never let her at 16 date a 24 year old, and I'd be very open as to the reasons why. I would also not let my daughter be taken advantage of financially in this way with anyone she got together with at whatever age. As a parent by today's standards I can't imagine acting like how my parents did.

I asked my husband, when you were 24 would you date a 16 year old? And his response was absolutely not and he would take a very dim view and not want to associate with a guy in his twenties who was pursuing a teenager.

I suppose what I am asking - particularly to the more mature in age mumsnetters - is, is this a case of all this would have all been fine by the standards of the 90s, or did my parents let me down badly?

I think I already know the answer but I'm really interested to hear others views.

Thanks

I was at 6th form in 1991 with a girl who was engaged to a 38 year old

We all thought it was pretty gross

When I was 17/just turned 18 in the 90s, I started dating my English teacher from the sixth form I just left. He was 27. Totally inappropriate. My parents were fine with it. My mum even went to a parent's evening and came back and told me she thought he 'liked' me.

God that's sickening behaviour from him and your mum!

Also some posters mention this happening to the "cool" girls. I was probably considered cool but in truth I was emotionally and physically neglected, left to fend for myself too often and subsequently wise beyond my years. I certainly didn't feel cool.

@violetmonster

When I was 17/just turned 18 in the 90s, I started dating my English teacher from the sixth form I just left. He was 27. Totally inappropriate. My parents were fine with it. My mum even went to a parent's evening and came back and told me she thought he 'liked' me.

God that's sickening behaviour from him and your mum!

I was always credited as being mature for my age and often felt like the parent to my mum rather than the other way around. The relationship lasted a while but was off and on because he felt guilty. It damaged my self esteem but I don't think I really realised this until later in life. I've had a pattern of emotionally unavailable men and accepting the scraps of attention they'd shine on me. Still working on it now. I struggle to feel good enough for anyone who will be consistent and really want me. Which is why I ended up in an abusive marriage. It's hard realising that these things are ingrained by those that love us.

Sorry that's long.

Yes @Gigia that rings true for me too.

I think lots of parents were frankly borderline negligent

Yes, I agree. I think back in the 80s and 90s parenting as a whole was very different to today. Kids were left to their own devices a lot more, we'd head out to play in the morning and be told to be back by dinner, parents had no idea where we'd actually be all day. I was left alone for hours at primary age because my parents both worked, lots of friends were similar. By 15/16 many teens were heading downtown at night because there wasn't the age regulations there are today. These days kids have every hour of the day mapped out by parents, with clubs, playdates, after school sports. And from age around 11 onwards they're contactable 24/7 on a mobile. We also are more aware of grooming and predators. Parenting now is almost the complete opposite of 20 or 30 years ago.

I was a teen in the 80's.I met my husband in 1988, when I was 17 and he was 24.
We've been married for nearly thirty years now.
My parents were fairly strict but they had no problem with it, looking back it does seem a fairly big age gap but many of my friends were in similar relationships.
I remember in 1986, one of the 16 year old girls used to stay behind on the school bus to kiss the driver. He was probably mid to late twenties.
It seems totally wrong now but some things just appeared acceptable then.

People who met their 20-something husbands as teenagers - how did you feel about it when you got to the age they were when you got together?

Like at 23/4 did you look at 16/17 year olds and make the comparison?

I got together with my ex when I was 16 and he was 27. I was at least his third relationship with a teenager. My mum wasnt happy, but there wasnt any significant resistance to it. It took me 20 years and two children to realise who he was. I'm out now, and so glad. No way would I sit back quietly if either my son or daughter, both late teens, were being pursued at that age by someone so much older. It's not just the age difference per see, someone of 16/17/18 is so vulnerable and naive, and that is exactly the draw for some of these people. The controlability. I remember quite a few girls seeing older men at the time (but more like very early twenties than late twenties), I'm sure it was more acceptable then. Glad people are getting a bit less tolerant of it now.

There was almost a weird “lucky you” thing coming from adults towards teenagers who had gotten into relationships with older people. I had “so at least he is looking for a relationship rather than just “one thing” no comprehension of the imbalance of power dynamic between an adult and a teenager! Ugh makes me shudder as an adult looking back, just cos someone plans to use you regularly as opposed to a one off doesn’t mean they are not using you and doesn’t mean it won’t fuck with your mental health!!!

@violetmonster

Do you still have a relationship with your parents? Is it good? I'm not sure I'd be able to get over this one tbh. I do understand that it can be difficult for parents to stop their children dating people they don't like ( push them into their arms sort of thing!) but it sounds like you weren't exactly desperate to be climbing out of windows to go and meet him in the night.

I'm sorry this happened to you OP. I do think your parents let you down badly

My neglectful and abusive upbringing with dysfunctional parents definitely lead to me getting into an abusive relationship in my late teens, which it took me years to extract myself from. My parents didn't care and I have almost no relationship with them now. I was coerced into sex in my mid teens by my first boyfriend, who was in his 20s, simply because I had no idea even how to say no to anyone about anything. Saying no just wasn't allowed in my family. My parents would disagree about this I'm sure, saying everything was my choice, but when there are negative consequences from them for making any choice other than the one they want you to make, then you learn to do whatever others want. I don't forgive my parents for that, they ruined my childhood and indirectly my 20s too.

I think this has more to do with people’s families and their expectations, rather than the year.

I was a teenager in the 80s and my parents would have been outraged if I was going out with anyone more than a couple of years older than me.

It's something I can't get my head round & I'm in conflict. No way would I have let my 15 year old daughter date a man aged 21-22. When I was 22 there's no way I'd have looked at a 15 year old either.
My own parents would also never have let me date a 22 year old when I was 15.
However, this is my conflict. They met in the late 50's, she was 15 he was almost 22! Both sets of my grandparents were against it but came round in the end. He thought my mum was older than she was when they first clapped eyes on each other but of course found out quickley she was only 15. She didn't try to pull the wool over his eyes. They were both religious (not overly) back then & didn't believe in sex before marriage & he was very respectful to her; but it must have been love at first sight as he still wanted to be with her. He was in the armed forces, so they spent quite a lot of time apart in the beginning. They married a few months after she turned 18 and had 58 happy years of marriage before he died. Their age gap didn't mean anything to me as a child or teenager. He certainly wasn't a creepy predator at all, but a normal loving dh, df, dgf & dggf. They were so much stricter with me though! Maybe things were even more different back in the late 50's

I was a teen in the 00s. There were several girls in my year who slept with elder men and I didn’t find that odd but one of my good friends dated a man in his late 20s/early 30s for a while and the rest of us in the group all thought it was really wrong.

What was worse was that she met him through her parents, who were themselves very lovely, usually sensible, professional people. I remember being quite upset by it all and very worried about her but my other friend regularly had one night stands with men in their 30s/40s and for some reason I found that perfectly acceptable

And yes, your parents let you down.

I was a young adult in the 90s and while travelling met a young man, a UK post grad student abroad whose girlfriend (our paths never crossed) was a teen he'd started dating at around 16. I think she was 17 at this point.
When he asked my opinion I did stick my neck out and said I didn't think it was a suitable age gap. I am pretty socially conservative despite a non conforming exterior. He said well in his opinion she was very mature as the well travelled daughter of an academic🤨so wasn't like a normal mid teen mentally.
I was / am an unsophisticated type so let it drop at that point. My instinct was that this was bs, but I didn't feel qualified to argue the point iyswim!
Apparently her parents were accepting of him.🤷
At 17 I asked my son if hypothetically he'd go out with a 15 year old. He looked appalled that I'd even suggested it!

I think the example of the 15 year old and 22 year old in the 50s is a different scenario. Dating for marriage was the situation and the parents didn't allow the marriage until 18. AFAIK they could have denied permission up to 21 years: maybe that seemed unfair if they'd stuck by each other for three years already.

In the mid 90s my friend then 15 was allowed to be in a relationship with a 32 year old family friend. Weird af.

I don’t think this is a generational thing. I think it’s an issue of parents with no boundaries thing.

I had a similar sort of situation. I was 15 and dating a 21 year old. We met at a party (for about 10 minutes) and then exchanged numbers and started to chat on the phone. He was a bartender who lived about 5 hours from me (went to uni about an hour from me which is how we met). He was currently going through a trial for accessory to attempted murder (his friend tried to kill someone and he came to collect him to evade the police). I told my mum all of this. About a month after we met (having never met again face to face), he asked if I wanted to come home with him from uni for Easter holidays.

My mum, knowing he was 21 and a bartender and currently suspected of attempted murder 🙄 drove me an hour to his uni and tipped me out in a supermarket car park. He drove me the 4 hours back to his house and I stayed with him those 2 weeks. We dated for 3 years. He drank heavily and his friends (in their 20s and 30s regularly did coke). I used to just go off and live with him every school holiday. No one really cared or wondered if I was okay. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Actually I mostly came out unscathed because I’m a tough cookie, but the damage done could have been horrific. I’m in my 40s now so this was mid 90s. I’ve come to discover that my mum has a lot of issues and no healthy boundaries at all. We are NC sadly because she married a guy who sexually abused his daughters.

But no absolutely no way in hell I’d let my dc do the things I did. Not because anything especially awful happened as a result (but it could have), but because as an adult it’s made me realise I wasn’t as treasured as I thought I was for someone to stick up for me and put some healthy boundaries in place.

I had a 24 year old boyfriend when I had just turned 16. My parents actively encouraged the relationship and were angry when I dumped after a year or so.

I was a teenager in the 90s Your parents were utterly stupid, irresponsible and completely let you down in my view.

I was a teen in the late 80s early 90s. It was common for girls 14,15,16 too go out with men in their 20s, especially if they had cars. I think back to some of the situations I got myself into, it males me feel quite sick. I couldn't tell my parents as

A) I would have been told it was my own fault for acting like a 'strumpet',
B) I would be grounded.

My parents were very strict, but I remember them letting me go off to a gig two counties away with an older guy as he had 'good prospects'. I remember fighting him off the whole weekend. We dubbed him Slimy Simie, but looking back we was sexualy assaulting me

I was a teenager in the 80s and no way would this have been OK. I remember someone in my year when we were about 16 that went out with someone mid 20's and all the parents were shocked and couldn't believe her parents allowed it. You were seriously let down by your parents as were so many others on this thread.

I was 18 in 2000. Started dating a 25 yo, nobody batted an eyelid. I was still at school, he had a job. We met in a club. It lasted 2 years.

In 2002 I was 20 and started going out with a 28 yo. Lasted 4.5 years.

No red flags in either case, my parents quite liked both guys. Neither relationship worked in the long term but not because of the age gap.

My dad is 11 years my mum's senior, which will probably explain things. She married a 31 year old at 19

Agree with several other posters that it wasn’t so much the time that it happened but the fact your parents had poor boundaries.
It’s the same in my case, my mother has, putting it very gently, appalling boundaries and her standards for men are.. not exactly high.
When I was 15, I dated a 21 year old, felt very cool because he had a truck and a house and all that, and this was only in 2009 (albeit that’s still 13 years ago now!). We dated on and off… he was a bit of a stop-gap for me between other proper relationships (I admit now I didn’t treat him well really as he was besotted!) right up until I met my now-husband in 2016. Once we were 18/24, 20/26 etc the age gap didn’t matter but I was 15 when it had started 🤦🏼‍♀️ He wasn’t/isn’t a bad bloke, but my mum sometimes laments the fact it didn’t work out between us and still doesn’t see any issue with when it started

Someone up thread mentioned power imbalance I agree think this has a lot to do with it. It was accepted for men to have power over women. Parents of teens in the 90s would have been born 60s and 70s when these attitudes were still prevalent. I am 49 and have seen such changes in my life time. FWIW I think you parents did let you down, so did mine.

It's interesting though that several people have mentioned a feeling/sense that it was "lucky" if an older man was interested in a young girl, and this was perhaps linked to a perception that dating was for marriage; an older man was perceived to be more settled and marriage worthy rather than a young man who might still want to sow his wild oats.

That to me is a generational difference, even if not every person of that generation felt that way. It seems perhaps a hangover from an earlier time like the 1950s - potentially a dated view itself in the 90s, so just linked to an earlier generation.