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Original poster

TW: grooming. If you were a parent to teens in the 90s/00s...

109 replies

backtothe90s1 · 20/02/2022 16:27

Anyone is welcome to give me their views on this, but I'm particularly interested in hearing from people who were parents to teens in the 90s or early 2000s or earlier. People today including myself would have a 2020s view of this situation, but I know things were seen differently in the past.

When I was 15 I met a man who groomed me for a year and then started dating me when I was 16. He was 24. He sort of wore me down until I said yes. Sadly I was so desperate for love in any form at 16 I just went along with it.

My parents were aware of this and encouraged the relationship, even encouraging me to stay with him when I wanted to leave him after a few months. He coerced me into sex with him before I was ready amongst other things. I stayed together with him for a few years, and we bought a flat when I was 18. I finally left him aged 19 and my parents let me walk away with £0 equity from the flat (this was the point in time when the house prices started to skyrocket).

I'm now in my late thirties with a young daughter. I would never let her at 16 date a 24 year old, and I'd be very open as to the reasons why. I would also not let my daughter be taken advantage of financially in this way with anyone she got together with at whatever age. As a parent by today's standards I can't imagine acting like how my parents did.

I asked my husband, when you were 24 would you date a 16 year old? And his response was absolutely not and he would take a very dim view and not want to associate with a guy in his twenties who was pursuing a teenager.

I suppose what I am asking - particularly to the more mature in age mumsnetters - is, is this a case of all this would have all been fine by the standards of the 90s, or did my parents let me down badly?

I think I already know the answer but I'm really interested to hear others views.

Thanks Smile

OP posts:
Ormally · 21/02/2022 11:12

"there was definitely a culture of barely legal teens being some kind of trophy."

Yes, there absolutely was. I think this is what the significance is of '16' and '17' as denoting the unofficial 'open season'. Looking back to the side of the older beholder, there is definitely a feeling of "they can't stop me from doing this now." Much as my experiences weren't too damaging, I was very out of my depth at times, and knew it. I wouldn't have wanted to turn to my parents in a million years, although if it had been a case of going too far with drinking or something, with a group my own age, then I probably would have been more willing to ask for help.

Feart · 21/02/2022 11:19

I agree that it wasn’t seen as an issue back then. Between 15-18, all of my friends had significantly older boyfriends. My mum actively encouraged it and so did most friend’s mums too. We all thought we were cool being picked up from school in boyfriends cars etc.

FoamyBanana · 21/02/2022 11:23

I had a 3 year relationship with someone that started when I was 16 and he was 23. It was a loving, equal and happy relationship and I don't regret it for a second. I was very mature at 16 and he wasn't creepy or predatory in any way. We split because we inevitably grew apart. He is still my friend 30 years later. I am hugely grateful that my first serious relationship was loving and positive.

I now have teens of my own and wouldnt have a one size fits all approach to whether I'd support an age gap relationship with one of them. One is very mature, considered and sensible, the other not so much. Depends so much on the individuals and dynamic of those involved IMO.

RonCarlos · 21/02/2022 11:28

There were girls 14/15 on my school having a relationship with 23/24 year old men. Most of us thought this was really odd not cool. But attitudes were different. We had PE teachers snogging sixth formers in clubs. I can understand you feeling horrified by this now. Flowers

Chimchiminie · 21/02/2022 11:28

@user375432

Not as bad as your parents, but similar, when I was 16 my boyfriend was 21. He didn't work, took drugs, would pick me up from school and him and his friends (some 23) would even come to youth club with our friends. My parents loved him and encouraged me to move in with him, but the worst thing is when he cheated on me my mum encouraged me to forgive him. My friendship group was mostly 14-18 year olds and then about 5 20-23 year old men who most of the girls slept with. Only one parent hugely objected as far as I recall, her parents reported him to the police for constitutional rape (she was 15, he was 21) and we all thought her parents were way OTT at the time. This is at a time when teenagers were topless in daily newspapers and there was definitely a culture of barely legal teens being some kind of trophy. Many friends dad's were leery. It upsets me a lot looking back.
God do you remember the tabloid countdown to Charlotte church’s 16th? Confused

You did used to get 16-y-olds doing page 3 didn’t you?? Crazy.

hellcatspangle · 21/02/2022 11:29

A girl I was at school with was dating a teacher, she was 17 and he was about 25. It was all supposedly under wraps but all the kids knew, and when she left school they dated openly and went on to get married.

Lovemusic33 · 21/02/2022 11:35

OP, my situation was very similar to yours, I was a few days from my 15th birthday when I was groomed by a 24 year old, my parents did very little to stop it and welcomed him into the family home, he went on to abuse me and rape me.

I’m now a mum to 2 teen girls and can’t imagine this happening to my DD’s, at the time I thought it was completely normal but now I resent my parents for allowing it to happen, not a chance in hell I would allow a 24 year old man near my 15 year old daughter.

I’m sorry this has happened to others 😞

Chimchiminie · 21/02/2022 11:38

@FoamyBanana

I had a 3 year relationship with someone that started when I was 16 and he was 23. It was a loving, equal and happy relationship and I don't regret it for a second. I was very mature at 16 and he wasn't creepy or predatory in any way. We split because we inevitably grew apart. He is still my friend 30 years later. I am hugely grateful that my first serious relationship was loving and positive.

I now have teens of my own and wouldnt have a one size fits all approach to whether I'd support an age gap relationship with one of them. One is very mature, considered and sensible, the other not so much. Depends so much on the individuals and dynamic of those involved IMO.

I had a similar experience @FoamyBanana, meeting my then 21-year-old boyfriend at 16 and it being a totally equal relationship (if anything at times I might have been the more assertive of the two of us). He was and is a nice guy and we’re still friends now and have often supported each other at various times over the years. Happy memories and no regrets.
Badhairday101 · 21/02/2022 11:52

I was 15 with a 21 year old boyfriend, we stayed together for 3 years. I was out clubbing every weekend from 14/15 and tbh it just seemed normal. Lots of girls in year 11 had older boyfriends. It’s ridiculous to think of now.

I have a 15 year old and no way would he be up to the same things I was.
I don’t blame my parents as I wouldn’t have listened anyway. They didn’t seem bothered, there was a lot going on as they had just divorced among other difficulties in their lives. I just kind of had a free rain as they were caught up with themselves. I do think it was more accepted then but it’s certainly not the way I’d raise my children now. I don’t feel badly towards my parents, I think they did the best they knew how at the time.

WeAreTheHeroes · 21/02/2022 11:58

They let you down badly. But you know that and it sounds as though you felt unloved at home. I remember my mum telling me about someone at school (she was a teacher and no names were mentioned) who had an older boyfriend who hung around school on his bike and that this was wrong as he was an adult and the girl was 15. I was younger at the time. The guy on the bike was either jobless or involved in drugs in some way given how much time we saw him around.

whatwasIgoingtosay · 21/02/2022 12:05

Your parents let you down (from a 'more mature in age mumsnetter'). Flowers

cherrytopcake · 21/02/2022 12:18

They let you down sorry. Even back then, that wasn't normal. My sister dated a guy for two years who was 30 and she was 18... it was also around that time. All very weird. My parents did allow it unfortunately but when he became more and more controlling then helped her leave him.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 21/02/2022 12:20

As a teenager in the late 90s, I dated a series of men in their mid 30s. They were all very unsuitable but were rich and spent a fortune on me. At the time having had a volatile childhood, I liked the attention (and the gifts). With the benefit of hindsight, I was just as much a status symbol as their cars, clothes and holidays. In fact I feel grubby thinking about it. I remember being taken to get my hair cut in a very fancy salon by one of them. The only words addressed to me by the staff were "would you like a glass of champagne". Yes my hair looked good afterwards but no one asked for my opinion at any point of the process.

My parents didn't offer an opinion at the time.

Itwasntmeright · 21/02/2022 12:21

I was groomed by a much much older man when I was 15, in full view of my parents. He was a private music teacher so in a position of authority over me. My mum was fine with it and thought it was great, i’m not sure she saw it for what it was at all. My dad was not happy and warned him off before things became serious. I spoke to my mom about it in the last couple of years because it was bothering me and she just shrugged it off, said she doesn’t really remember. I tried to explain to her what had happened and how it made me feel, to see if I could get anything else out of her, but she just got defensive, she didn’t know and she doesn’t remember and she shut me down. I can’t speak to my dad about it because he has advanced dementia.

My mother has always been the type to run away from difficult things, she’s absolutely hung me out to dry several times in my life so I wasn’t altogether surprised at her response. Still, it did further damage my already poor relationship with her.

BlackandJello · 21/02/2022 12:26

Sorry this happened to you OP.

I, unfortunately have a similar story where at 15 I was groomed by a 22 year old man. I was very impressionable, desperate for love and eager to impress so basically did whatever he wanted. Even when I REALLY didn't want to.

My parents were absolutely fine with it.

Dixiechickonhols · 21/02/2022 12:40

It was a different era. School leaving age was 16. 16 year olds leaving school to work was common - I went to a good school and only a handful went on to A levels at college. I was at a girls school and men late teens, early 20s in cars lining up to pick girls up was the norm.

BananaPlants · 24/02/2022 00:25

I was 18 in 1998 and was in a relationship with a 31 year old. My parents seemed to think nothing of it Hmm With hindsight, he only dated women under 20 and some of them were younger than I was.

DorsVenabili · 24/02/2022 00:42

I don't think it was that normal.
I had a uni friend who had dated a sports coach from when she was 13- 18 (so mid eighties) - who was i think about 8 years older - and I remember thinking it was very odd and questioning her (to be fair when i met him it didn't seem as odd- he was a very naive twenty something).
My sister also went out with someone 10 years older than her (also a coach relationship) - my mum really didn't like it- she trod a line between not actively discouraging/encouraging it as she didn't want to alienate her.
Other than that though I don't really recognise the older men picking up school girls at school scenario

Footnote · 24/02/2022 02:52

My mother would have encouraged something like this as she would have seen it as a good marriage prospect.

CanIPleaseHaveOne · 24/02/2022 03:48

@WaltzingToWalsingham

I was a teen in the 90s and, although my parents certainly wouldn't have allowed me to date a significantly older man, it did seem to be a thing with the cool girls at school. This was the era of Bill Wyman and Mandy Smith (he was 47 and she was 13 years old). It seems almost impossible to understand now, but I think some parents thought an older boyfriend would be a steadying influence on a daughter who was a bit wild, and keep her out of trouble.
But everyone was aghast at Bill Wyman.

OP in my opinion your parents let you down.

I had it repeated ad nauseam to me by the female elders in the family to beware of any older man trying to be your friend or wanting to hang out with you.

fallfallfall · 24/02/2022 04:26

i was in many ways very alert to grooming and kept an eagle eye on my dd to keep her relationships similar age/stage. but did "push" her into a relationship and undoubtably a sexual relationship. she was in my eye wild and out of control and i saw the young fellow as a watchful eye on her (he was however the same age).
she was a really mixed up young girl (and to some degree still is and maybe due to family dynamics but this isn't the purpose of the post) somehow i thought this was a good plan to keep her safe.
i know i wasn't alone in this view of boyfriends providing safety.

AncrenneWisse · 24/02/2022 06:27

Your parents let you down badly. What happened to you was just as unacceptable in the 90s (and earlier) as it is now. They should have known better.

RonCarlos · 24/02/2022 09:02

Mandy Smith and Bill Wyman was early 80s not 90s, and as a PP says, it was not considered normal.

There were a few 'cool' girls in year 11 who had older boyfriends who picked them up in cars, but any man over 20 dating a 15/16 year old was considered creepy by my friends.

There was a teacher/student romance at my school, I think she was a sixth former, and the odd PE teacher snog in cheesy clubs Hmm but with LADO and improved safeguarding policies, that is something where attitudes have definitely and rightly changed.

Happy36 · 24/02/2022 09:16

When I was 16 I dated a 24 year old. He was a neighbour of my good friend and we met at that friend's house party (the friend had 2 older brothers so there were people there of a mixture of ages.) My mum was OK with it. My female friends also seemed OK with it, but all of my male friends shouted paedo at his car whenever he came to pick me up (from school
...yuck.) He was a doctor, looking back I find that a bit extra yuck too. He was very nice and never made me feel uncomfortable but looking back I find it very weird.

At the same time, a girl a year older than me was openly dating a male teacher who must've been 27 if not 30. Her parents lived abroad and she lived in the school boarding house (the teacher didn't), which I find extra disturbing.

Sunnyday321 · 24/02/2022 09:30

When I was at school 15/16 a girl in school was secretly dating a trainee teacher working at our school 😏 .
We were ( back then ) in awe of her . Yes it's grim , and not acceptable now , but it's from them and not how you'd hope is ok now.
I've also just had a flashback to when I had one of my first jobs . The place I worked with had delivery drivers ( I'd be about 17 ish by then ) One of the drivers a man in his probable mid 30s was also a tattooist who had his own shop . He wasn't particularly good looking ( think Hells Angel type ) but because he was quite well known in my area , I was quite in awe of him also . I flirted with him , and one day he drove he home and he kissed me , looking back it was only a kiss , but I reckon I would have allowed it go to further. Times back then we're very different .
I would be shocked if my daughter had got herself into that situation .