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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband doesn’t love me

121 replies

StrawberrySquirrelThief · 19/02/2022 09:25

Last October we had an argument as I felt DH was being cold and off with me, the outcome of which was that he said he no longer loved me.

There were tears and much discussion when it also transpired he didn’t find me attractive and didn’t want to have sex with me. To say I was devastated is not an understatement. He said he didn’t want to separate and wanted to be there for the DC (11).

My understanding at new year when we’d been talking about us again is that we would try and get happy (the last few years haven’t been easy for anyone probably) & work on our relationship.

Fast forward to now. We’ve been getting along better, I no longer feel the resentment seeping from him, we still kiss, hug, hold hands and he no longer seems to shrink back from touching me - I thought things were improving. Last night I made the mistake of asking how he thought we were. He agreed we were happy but his feelings hadn’t changed and he didn’t think they would.

What the hell do I do now? We’ve said we’ll get counselling and neither of us want to be without the other or the kids. Can we come back from this or do we admit defeat now?

OP posts:
CrystalCoco · 19/02/2022 09:33

Wow. I can't believe he said all that and yet neither of you want to separate?

Of course I understand the 'staying together for the sake of the children' but is this really feasible?

You deserve so much more:

he doesn't love you
he doesn't find you attractive
he doesn't want to have sex with you
and, he doesn't see this changing in the future

Of course it's your choice if you want to live like this, whichever path you choose will be hard, but only one path has a light at the end of the tunnel.

Original poster
StrawberrySquirrelThief · 19/02/2022 09:41

Oh I know written down it’s shit. I love him. He’s a good man, a good dad, was a perfect husband until about a year ago. I’ve spent 20 years of my life with him. I’m mid 40’s, child of divorced parents and really didn’t want that for my children.

OP posts:
Original poster
StrawberrySquirrelThief · 19/02/2022 09:43

I suppose ultimately I’m scared. We’ve just got to a point where we don’t have to worry too much about money. We have a nice house. Kids about to go to secondary school. And I don’t want to start again Sad

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 19/02/2022 09:43

Might another woman be involved? I hear the beginnings of The Script.

HollowTalk · 19/02/2022 09:44

I suspect another woman as well. And if he doesn't want to leave, then I would suspect she is married. It sounds as though he's trying to make you feel bad in order to justify his own behaviour.

Original poster
StrawberrySquirrelThief · 19/02/2022 09:45

I thought that too at first but I honestly don’t think there is. I’ve asked him outright and he insists that no there’s no one else and I do believe him.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/02/2022 09:48

I am wondering here if your Hs cold attitude was actually due to him having his head turned by another woman.

Do not stay in a loveless marriage for the sake of the child. He is still being selfish here to demand that of both you and his child too. What would your child learn about relationships, that a loveless marriage could become their norm too?. Staying for the child also teaches them that your relationship was based on a lie. It’s really no legacy to leave your child.

Divorce is not failure op, living like this is.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/02/2022 09:53

He can also be a good dad to his child if you separate if he chooses to.

Better to be apart and happier than to be together and miserable as you are now. I also think he is trying to make you feel bad to justify his own actions.

StopStartStop · 19/02/2022 09:59

There's a woman, she's partnered with children and doesn't want to leave her dh yet.

Use this time productively, to lawyer up and sort out life for you and your dc.

I know you are scared - I was too. But your chouce is 'prep now or be caught out later'.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/02/2022 10:01

I’ve asked him outright and he insists that no there’s no one else and I do believe him.

I'm sorry, op, but they ALL absolutely insist there's not another woman. It's textbook. I think your husband is trying to make you be the one to end the marriage, that way he's not the bad guy.

ACNHlife · 19/02/2022 10:01

He can't have his cake and eat it.

He needs to invest in the relationship and make it work or leave. Regardless of how much of a shit storm it makes for the kids. It is not fair that he is asking you to remain prisoner in a loveless relationship. You deserve better.

OliveOyl321 · 19/02/2022 10:05

I really feel for you @StrawberrySquirrelThief
By what you’ve said you’re not just staying for the kids but for yourself too. It must seem like such an upheaval to split up with all that comes with that (living arrangements, finances, childcare) when you’re on such good terms otherwise.
I guess you need to decide what you want out of your marriage - will you be content with a friendship with no physical love or as time goes on will you resent that he won’t give you more?? Is your OH likely to find someone else and be willing to make the split?
You’re still young and you deserve to feel special and wanted.

Donkeyinamanger · 19/02/2022 10:06

You really do deserve better. Do you really want to stay in a marriage where you are grateful that your DH doesn't recoil when you touch him. Divorce has to be better than that.

supercali77 · 19/02/2022 10:10

You deserve better. It all sounds like another woman and yes they'll insist it isn't. Even if it isn't....When you get into your old age and look back, a comfortable house with a man who doesn't love you the way you deserve to be loved will seem a hollow victory I think. Be brave x

username1293948 · 19/02/2022 10:14

You can do better OP. Why on earth would you stay with someone who has openly admitted they don’t love you, find you unattractive and don’t want to have sex with you?! If you stay trying to make things work with him instead of moving on and learning to be happy without him you are going to get even more hurt. He is inevitably going to meet someone else.

DogsAndGin · 19/02/2022 10:15

What a miserable sod!

We are rather stiff in this country, though. If you were posting in a French version of MN, they’d probably say, stick with him, but get a boyfriend too, to provide you with the love and intimacy you require.

Not every marriage is ‘traditional’, and lots of different arrangements can work. Would you be open to this? Would he? The best of both worlds - dad for your kids, stable household, peaceful domestic life for you both, but also, you get the no-strings romance and fun, elsewhere.

GeneLovesJezebel · 19/02/2022 10:16

Why on earth are you staying with him ? He doesn’t love you, move on.

username1293948 · 19/02/2022 10:17

@DogsAndGin

What a miserable sod!

We are rather stiff in this country, though. If you were posting in a French version of MN, they’d probably say, stick with him, but get a boyfriend too, to provide you with the love and intimacy you require.

Not every marriage is ‘traditional’, and lots of different arrangements can work. Would you be open to this? Would he? The best of both worlds - dad for your kids, stable household, peaceful domestic life for you both, but also, you get the no-strings romance and fun, elsewhere.

Shit advice! What respect would she have left for herself if she stayed with a man who doesn’t love her?
Sunseasun · 19/02/2022 10:20

@DogsAndGin good on paper maybe

WouldBeGood · 19/02/2022 10:21

Another one saying I’d put money on there bring another woman. I’ve been there, posted in similar terms to you seven years ago and got the same advice. Eventually I took it, after finding out there was indeed someone else. The whole thing was just awful, so I feel for you.

I would advise starting to detach at the very least, sort out your money and make sure you have your own life. Find out what you’d be entitled to on divorce. Don’t just sit and wait for the next part of this to unfold. 💐

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/02/2022 10:29

I am really sorry OP.

You get a divorce is what you do. You deserve a man who wants you. Your husband is saying he wants you.. as a Housekeeper and Nanny, and then laying a guilt trip on you that your kids won’t be happy if you separate. There might well be another woman, and if there isn’t, there will be.

Gather your joint financial info. Go see a solicitor about how the money will be divided. Hatch a plan. And then - and only then - tell him you are separating.

Don’t put up with his bullshit. You deserve better. You kids will be fine.

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/02/2022 10:31

@DogsAndGin

What a miserable sod!

We are rather stiff in this country, though. If you were posting in a French version of MN, they’d probably say, stick with him, but get a boyfriend too, to provide you with the love and intimacy you require.

Not every marriage is ‘traditional’, and lots of different arrangements can work. Would you be open to this? Would he? The best of both worlds - dad for your kids, stable household, peaceful domestic life for you both, but also, you get the no-strings romance and fun, elsewhere.

Are you pissed?!

On what planet does an arrangement like this work out to be peaceful? (Certainly not in real life France.)

LemonTT · 19/02/2022 10:43

I think you have a lot of soul searching to do.

“For the sake of the children” is a stick that is often used to beat parent’s especially mothers to keep them in their place. Don’t leave the marriage, get a job or have a social life of your own. But is is also used as an excuse by people not to do these things.

Millions of single parents are able to offer a loving stable life for their children following separation. They can have jobs, new partners and their own interests.

It doesn’t sound like their is a great deal of animosity between you and him. Don’t let it grow and don’t go looking for it. Accept he doesn’t love you the way you want to be loved and that is something you cannot change and neither can he.

trackerby · 19/02/2022 10:45

He's doing a real job on you OP.

The most obvious answer is usually the correct one I'm sorry to say.

Zillamop · 19/02/2022 10:49

If he is saying he wants to work things out, and you agree, then start counselling together ASAP. The counsellor should be impartial and help you clarify what your future should be, either way.

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