Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband doesn’t love me

121 replies

StrawberrySquirrelThief · 19/02/2022 09:25

Last October we had an argument as I felt DH was being cold and off with me, the outcome of which was that he said he no longer loved me.

There were tears and much discussion when it also transpired he didn’t find me attractive and didn’t want to have sex with me. To say I was devastated is not an understatement. He said he didn’t want to separate and wanted to be there for the DC (11).

My understanding at new year when we’d been talking about us again is that we would try and get happy (the last few years haven’t been easy for anyone probably) & work on our relationship.

Fast forward to now. We’ve been getting along better, I no longer feel the resentment seeping from him, we still kiss, hug, hold hands and he no longer seems to shrink back from touching me - I thought things were improving. Last night I made the mistake of asking how he thought we were. He agreed we were happy but his feelings hadn’t changed and he didn’t think they would.

What the hell do I do now? We’ve said we’ll get counselling and neither of us want to be without the other or the kids. Can we come back from this or do we admit defeat now?

OP posts:
Magda72 · 19/02/2022 11:55

@AskingforaBaskin have you ever been cheated on in a marriage?
I'm genuinely not asking this in a contentious way.
Most women here who have been cheated on are recognising this behaviour.

Original poster
StrawberrySquirrelThief · 19/02/2022 11:56

I’m not ready to give up yet. I know that most of you will think I’m an idiot and yes I probably am. This is someone I have over 20 years of history and two kids with.

I don’t think I’ll come back to this thread. I’ve read it and I’ll keep reading but I can’t make that move yet.

OP posts:
Hesheweeshe · 19/02/2022 11:57

There may not be another woman at this point but it is likely if he is unhappy in the relationship with you then, as happy you are as a family unit, he will most likely if the opportunity arrive end up straying.

I say it be because i too was in exactly the same situation as you. Had a great family life but our married relationship was all but over because he told me the same, no longer saw me like that.

But I couldn't separate the two in my head because we would have a very happy daily family life, holidays etc. but i became so lonely, and ultimately felt so shit about myself. But i kept convincing myself because we'd go out and socialise, still celebrate anniversaries (wth) that we were happy (just ignoring the fact that we weren't intimate AND the glaring fact he told me he didn't see me that way and it was not going to change).
Fast forward a cple of resentful years, i found out he had a ONS with a colleague who then fell in love with him. For whatever reason still to this day do not know he wouldn't leave me.

Once the OW told me, anonymously, in the hope i would throw him out. He completely changed suddenly i was the love of his life, he loved me fancied me wanted to do whatever it would take for me to forgive him. I can only think my husband really really loves being with his kids

Original poster
StrawberrySquirrelThief · 19/02/2022 11:58

Urgh - last comment. He says he loves and cares for me but isn’t in love with me. And I know you’ll think me naive but there is no one else.

OP posts:
AskingforaBaskin · 19/02/2022 12:00

[quote Magda72]@AskingforaBaskin have you ever been cheated on in a marriage?
I'm genuinely not asking this in a contentious way.
Most women here who have been cheated on are recognising this behaviour.[/quote]
And you don't think that clouds your view? You hear hoof prints and think zebra?
Not every man is a sex crazed adulterer.

WatieKatie · 19/02/2022 12:00

What are you giving him a second chance to do OP? Fall back in love with you? Start finding you attractive again? He’s given no indication in the months since he first broke the heartbreaking news that his stance is going to change.

What do you think his reaction would have been if you’d been the one telling him you no longer loved him etc? I’d be tempted to ask him.

collieresponder88 · 19/02/2022 12:01

@DogsAndGin

What a miserable sod!

We are rather stiff in this country, though. If you were posting in a French version of MN, they’d probably say, stick with him, but get a boyfriend too, to provide you with the love and intimacy you require.

Not every marriage is ‘traditional’, and lots of different arrangements can work. Would you be open to this? Would he? The best of both worlds - dad for your kids, stable household, peaceful domestic life for you both, but also, you get the no-strings romance and fun, elsewhere.

I don't necessarily think his a miserable sod for being honest with his wife. He no longer fancies her and doesn't want sex but he wants the home and family life It's up to her if this is something that will work for her Maybe he has got someone else who knows it's for her to decide how she wants to move forward with this situation
collieresponder88 · 19/02/2022 12:03

@StrawberrySquirrelThief

Urgh - last comment. He says he loves and cares for me but isn’t in love with me. And I know you’ll think me naive but there is no one else.
Sorry this must be really heartbreaking for you but have you checked his phone because as others have said this really does sound like the script and I would be very surprised if there wasn't another woman in the background ! Do some digging
Magda72 · 19/02/2022 12:05

@StrawberrySquirrelThief the biggest shock I've ever had was realising that my Mr. Nice husband (whom everyone thought was madly in love with me & was the ultimate family man) was capable of doing what he did (this ow turned out not to have been the first).
I'm not saying this to upset you - ultimately it's your marriage & you have to do what you feel is right. But, retrospectively I realised that I wasted a lot of time trying to make things right when all my exh wanted was for me to get rid of him so he could look blameless.
On a positive note - despite everything - we are decent co parents & have 3 very well adjusted kids (25, 19 & 16) who have very good relationships with both of us.
Divorce was actually really good for me & while it has of course impacted the kids they have survived it very well & are thriving.
Sometimes staying in a loveless marriage for the sake or the dc is really not the best thing to do.

hereforthechat · 19/02/2022 12:06

Sorry I would be another one to agree that there is possibly someone else (or he wants there to be). In my sad experience, even if a man doesn't "fancy" a woman anymore... he still wants to have sex with her so probably wouldn't own up to not fancying said woman. If he is choosing to forfeit sex with you my cynical opinion is he is having sex with someone else. Just my opinion of course.

Magda72 · 19/02/2022 12:09

@AskingforaBaskin if you read my last post I think it's pretty obvious that I don't think that way - at all.
My exh & I get on fine & I have no bitterness towards him or men in general.
My judgment is not clouded. I'm merely saying (as are others) that from experience this behaviour sounds very typical of a man who is trying to leave a marriage without incriminating himself or an OW.
Obviously op does not think this as is her prerogative.

lopape · 19/02/2022 12:10

@DogsAndGin

What a miserable sod!

We are rather stiff in this country, though. If you were posting in a French version of MN, they’d probably say, stick with him, but get a boyfriend too, to provide you with the love and intimacy you require.

Not every marriage is ‘traditional’, and lots of different arrangements can work. Would you be open to this? Would he? The best of both worlds - dad for your kids, stable household, peaceful domestic life for you both, but also, you get the no-strings romance and fun, elsewhere.

That's exactly what I wanted to say! Get a bf if he doesn't love you anymore 🤷‍♀️
Magda72 · 19/02/2022 12:10

If he is choosing to forfeit sex with you my cynical opinion is he is having sex with someone else. Just my opinion of course.
Again agreed - & was exactly my experience.

T2teasydney · 19/02/2022 12:14

I was in your situation last year, however I was in your husband position. I never told DH I didn’t love him but from my behaviour it was quite obvious, even my DDs noticed it. From me it was a combination of lockdown, menopause and being in my 40’s and being unhappy with myself.
DH completely emotional pulled away from me, and said ‘well if you don’t love me there is not point in trying’ it gave me a real shock and made me realise what I had and how much I really love him. We are the best we been in years and I have realised how ungrateful I have been for a long time.
I wasn’t having an affair (in my head with Chris Hemsworth!!) but if I was you I would want definitely proof phones etc just to make sure.
Then go for counselling, but also protect yourself. Stop trying so hard with him and start living an independent life, more time with just you and kids. Good luck!

ravenmum · 19/02/2022 12:14

Mumsnet gets so worked up about there must be another woman but it’s actually a red herring, it doesn’t change the fact your dh doesn’t feel the same but still wants to stay married
I think it does make a difference.

Just fallen out of love - he is less likely to resent her existence as it isn't the thing getting in the way of his true love with OW, so he is not as likely to be nasty to her. Might still have safe sex with her. Still acts considerately towards her and honestly trying to make the best of it if he stays, as he wants her to be OK. Spends the usual amount of time at home. If they do find that it isn't working, they are just bickering etc. then at least they can make something like a mutual decision.

Other woman - can be cold and nasty due to the resentment and also as he "needs" her to be a horrible person to excuse his behaviour. If he does have sex with her, it is not safe sex. It may be unpleasant sex, as he does not want to enjoy it. He might sabotage the relationship by underhand means as he really wants out, but is not brave enough to end it openly. Spends more time away from home, comes home late, she is left behind wondering where he is; he ignores her calls. As time passes, there are more and more signs of what is going on, it becomes harder to ignore, he continues to deny it, awful gaslighting ensues. Eventually she may find out about it, have a nasty shock, feel not just rejected but also mocked and swindled.
People who have gone through that over an extensive period of time often wish they had ended it sooner.

WouldBeGood · 19/02/2022 12:17

@ravenmum exactly. Perfectly described.

In addition, counselling with a view to getting the relationship back is pointless if there’s an OW

allinadaystwerk · 19/02/2022 12:21

You deserve better and I don't mean a different man.. I mean a better existence than that.. how rude and callous to tell you that and expect you to shut up and put up! He has little regard for you, trust me

Magda72 · 19/02/2022 12:22

@ravenmum whatever op's situation that is an excellent post.

doodleygirl · 19/02/2022 12:23

Fast forward 15 years, kids are off living their lives and you are left with someone who doesn’t want to be with you. That will be such a miserable existence.

CPL593H · 19/02/2022 12:24

I think these so called "arrangements" of having other partners are predicated on stacks of money and free time and both parties being entirely happy to live like that. Not realistic for most, certainly not where one person still has strong feelings.

He has told you that he no longer loves or desires you and doesn't find you attractive. Even if there is no one else involved at the moment, it is a matter of time until there will be.

I am sorry OP, it is awful for you but I honestly think a clean break now, while you can still communicate decently, would be better for you than waiting for him to force the issue down the line. This status quo is not sustainable long term.

THisbackwithavengeance · 19/02/2022 12:27

I don't believe him either. I also suspect an OW who is not ready to leave her H. Call me cynical but very few men would deny themselves sex with a willing, long term partner unless they were feeling guilty about "cheating" on someone with whom they had formed an emotional attachment.

But whatever his reasons, I think you can agree to co-parent and live together but not actually be in a relationship. I know a couple in RL who do this and make it work.

But I assume this now means that you will have carte blanche to go out and find yourself a "friend"?

Unless of course he expecting you to stay celibate and without any emotional connection for the rest of your life?

TolkiensFallow · 19/02/2022 12:28

I don’t think you’re an idiot OP.

Try relationships therapy. They will either help you to stay together or help you to separate.

If you leave now there are many disadvantages. Financially you’ll be worse off and likely struggle. Plus you’ll see less of your children- having to take it in turns with Christmas and birthdays and it will be hard for your children emotionally. You also can’t just go skipping off to do what you like as the children are in school.

If you are friends and good housemates it may be worth staying together until the children finish school and making a long term plan that doesn’t involve him. You can think about finances etc during this time.

Magda72 · 19/02/2022 12:33

If you leave now there are many disadvantages. Financially you’ll be worse off and likely struggle. Plus you’ll see less of your children- having to take it in turns with Christmas and birthdays and it will be hard for your children emotionally. You also can’t just go skipping off to do what you like as the children are in school.
I'm sorry but this is TERRIBLE advice - stay with a man whom you love but who as actively told you he doesn't love you because of finances & children!!!! It's not the 19th century!!!
Go to relationship therapy by all means but as pp's have said relationship therapy is worth nothing if there's an ow who hasn't been admitted to.

dottydodah · 19/02/2022 12:34

I think he is seeing OW Im afraid .He is playing fast and loose with you.Why does he make all the decisions ? How do you feel about a life like this? In your 40s .You have many years ahead of you .You deserve more OP

litterbird · 19/02/2022 12:46

You must do what you want to do OP. He has laid his cards down and wants to stay. Your role now will be housekeeper, cook, cleaner and if he is a bit frisky - a bit on the side too. He’s told you where you stand in his life and it’s not a wife it’s a nanny for the kids so he can go about his other business. See. This happen too many times, the script is being played out. Sorry OP, but if you are desperate to stay then you can as long as you know the rules of engagement with him.