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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband doesn’t love me

121 replies

StrawberrySquirrelThief · 19/02/2022 09:25

Last October we had an argument as I felt DH was being cold and off with me, the outcome of which was that he said he no longer loved me.

There were tears and much discussion when it also transpired he didn’t find me attractive and didn’t want to have sex with me. To say I was devastated is not an understatement. He said he didn’t want to separate and wanted to be there for the DC (11).

My understanding at new year when we’d been talking about us again is that we would try and get happy (the last few years haven’t been easy for anyone probably) & work on our relationship.

Fast forward to now. We’ve been getting along better, I no longer feel the resentment seeping from him, we still kiss, hug, hold hands and he no longer seems to shrink back from touching me - I thought things were improving. Last night I made the mistake of asking how he thought we were. He agreed we were happy but his feelings hadn’t changed and he didn’t think they would.

What the hell do I do now? We’ve said we’ll get counselling and neither of us want to be without the other or the kids. Can we come back from this or do we admit defeat now?

OP posts:
Original poster
StrawberrySquirrelThief · 19/02/2022 10:55

Thank you all. Just out but will look properly when I get home.

OP posts:
Bagelsandbrie · 19/02/2022 11:05

I don’t think it matters if there’s another woman or not - and I say that as someone who was left for another woman (an ex my then dh found on Facebook). Mumsnet gets so worked up about there must be another woman but it’s actually a red herring, it doesn’t change the fact your dh doesn’t feel the same but still wants to stay married.

What matters is whether you can live like this. Mumsnet generally says leave the bastard in these circumstances and yes, on paper it would be fantastic if you could run off into the sunset and have an amazing divorcee life and meet someone new who adores you (and in actual fact, that’s what I did - now been happily remarried for 15 years) but equally there’s a lot to be said for financial security, long term friendship and the practicalities of staying married especially when you have relatively young children.

I don’t think he’s going to change how he feels though- I think once it’s gone, it’s gone, and it’s whether you can live with that.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/02/2022 11:20

But they’re really not friends are they. They’re basically two people who are staying together for the supposed sake of their child and to an extent for a lifestyle he wants to maintain. How long are either party here going to be able to keep this up before resentment from either side really does kick in?.

Original poster
StrawberrySquirrelThief · 19/02/2022 11:24

I do think we are friends. We get on as well as we ever did. He is as upset as I am that it’s come to this and does want to try counselling. I’m just heartbroken and struggling to see what’s best for everyone.

OP posts:
Gardeningdream · 19/02/2022 11:28

I’m so sorry op. To hear your husband doesn’t love you, fancy you or want to have sex with you must be devastating, and then to decide and stay and take it for the kids and the lifestyle is going to kill your self esteem.

If that’s why you decide is the least worst option, then go for it, but that’s a hard road you are choosing, especially considering if there isn’t someone now there soon will be.

Sonaftersonafterson · 19/02/2022 11:31

There is usually a reason and to be honest, i think his head had been turned. Happens all the time and the result is the spouse withdrawing, not wanting affection, being cold.

I hope this isn't the case for you xxx

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/02/2022 11:33

Put your own self first and think about what you want here going forward. He really does seem to be dictating terms here. And as for counselling why has he suggested this now rather than a few months ago?. It all seems too little and too late.

WatieKatie · 19/02/2022 11:33

To me it sounds like he has a plan to leave and is sowing the seeds.

I cannot see how your relationship can be sustainable if he neither loves you or finds you attractive. Surely it’s just a matter of when you separate not if?

Sorry OP, it’s a shit position with no magic cure.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/02/2022 11:34

How can you also state that you now get on as well as you ever did?. After all he has said and done here to you.

Original poster
StrawberrySquirrelThief · 19/02/2022 11:37

@AttilaTheMeerkat

How can you also state that you now get on as well as you ever did?. After all he has said and done here to you.
Because we do. I know I should hate him but shit that’s life isn’t it? We don’t always do what’s expected of us.
OP posts:
Magda72 · 19/02/2022 11:41

I thought that too at first but I honestly don’t think there is. I’ve asked him outright and he insists that no there’s no one else and I do believe him.
@StrawberrySquirrelThief your initial post resonates with me as does the above.
In my situation there WAS another woman whom he eventually went to after I asked him to leave as I could no longer live being told I was less than.
To this day (12 years later) my exh has never admitted to this affair yet my suspicions were confirmed by many mutual and non mutual friends (who had seen them together in various locations) & even by his parents and sister. He CANNOT admit it & to this day tells people I broke up the family.
I'm not saying this is what's happening to you but please know someone can be a good dad & an awful cheating husband at the same time.

AskingforaBaskin · 19/02/2022 11:43

There doesn't necessarily have to be a villain in every breakup.
Unfortunately some do just fall out of love. No crime or incident. The love just goes.

It doesn't mean there is another woman or that he has done anything.
I can also see why he would want to stay. One house, he sees the kids etc. would make sense to me.

It's completely up to you what the next steps are. You have all the information and can go forward in either direction.

violetmonster · 19/02/2022 11:44

@StrawberrySquirrelThief

Oh I know written down it’s shit. I love him. He’s a good man, a good dad, was a perfect husband until about a year ago. I’ve spent 20 years of my life with him. I’m mid 40’s, child of divorced parents and really didn’t want that for my children.
Imagine this scenario as if you're giving advice to your own children. Would you tell them to stay with a partner who has told them they didn't love them? Or would you tell them to get the hell out of there??

What's best for you is what's best for your children. A happy mother who knows her worth

Magda72 · 19/02/2022 11:45

And I should add that even when people were telling me he was seeing someone & even when he has all manner of explanations for credit card payments in strange locations I chose to believe him. It took me a long time to face up to the reality of what was going on & to the fact that he was a very accomplished liar.

ToastieSnowy · 19/02/2022 11:46

He’s got his cake and is eating it. Wife to do the drudge, look after kids and feed him and make him comfortable. He’ll be getting the sex elsewhere and is now justified in his mind as he’s told you he doesn’t love you so therefore you have no come back.

Is this the life you really want? Knowing that one day he could come to you to say he’s in love with someone else and he wants a divorce?

What do you want? Are you happy with being housemates rather than husband & wife?

My advice would be to start making sure you are financially secure while you mull things over. Open your own bank account if you only have joint and think about increasing your pension if there’s a big difference between yours and his.

haikyew · 19/02/2022 11:47

Attraction is lost
You have an arrangement now
I hope he's discreet

Original poster
StrawberrySquirrelThief · 19/02/2022 11:48

But if he wants to try isn’t it worth giving it a second chance?

OP posts:
bluebell34567 · 19/02/2022 11:48

its easy to break down a relationship, its hard to keep it.

hashbrownsandwich · 19/02/2022 11:49

Words and actions are two very different things OP.

Can you both just not admit that the relationship doesn't work and separate?

AnotherSillawithanS · 19/02/2022 11:49

Oh come on op.....

Magda72 · 19/02/2022 11:50

There doesn't necessarily have to be a villain in every breakup.
Unfortunately some do just fall out of love. No crime or incident. The love just goes.
True - but from what I've seen when what you describe happens it's usually a mutual feeling. When one person in a relationship is feeling like this so strongly it is most times an indication that there has been an infidelity (emotional or physical or both) or there is about to be an infidelity.
This might not be the case here but in truth this man is showing all the signs of a real or imagined infidelity & the ensuing guilt.

AskingforaBaskin · 19/02/2022 11:52

And the guilt may be that the marriage he went into hasn't worked how it was planned and he fell out of love with the woman he promised to love forever.

ravenmum · 19/02/2022 11:53

What does he want to try? To live with you as housemates?

Magda72 · 19/02/2022 11:53

But if he wants to try isn’t it worth giving it a second chance?
@StrawberrySquirrelThief - he doesn't want to try. He wants to throw shapes at trying so that when it doesn't work he can still say "look at me I did everything I could for the sake of the kids - I'm wonderful - it's just not my fault @StrawberrySquirrelThief is unlovable anymore".
He's trying to get out of this looking like the good guy.
You're not unlovable btw - this is all on him & for the record he is also showing classic signs if NPD.

ScribblingPixie · 19/02/2022 11:54

If he doesn't love you, then you are not even good friends really, OP. He doesn't look at you and feel love? Then what does he feel? This is going nowhere good.