Husband doesn’t love me

[StrawberrySquirrelThief]

Last October we had an argument as I felt DH was being cold and off with me, the outcome of which was that he said he no longer loved me.

There were tears and much discussion when it also transpired he didn’t find me attractive and didn’t want to have sex with me. To say I was devastated is not an understatement. He said he didn’t want to separate and wanted to be there for the DC (11).

My understanding at new year when we’d been talking about us again is that we would try and get happy (the last few years haven’t been easy for anyone probably) & work on our relationship.

Fast forward to now. We’ve been getting along better, I no longer feel the resentment seeping from him, we still kiss, hug, hold hands and he no longer seems to shrink back from touching me - I thought things were improving. Last night I made the mistake of asking how he thought we were. He agreed we were happy but his feelings hadn’t changed and he didn’t think they would.

What the hell do I do now? We’ve said we’ll get counselling and neither of us want to be without the other or the kids. Can we come back from this or do we admit defeat now?

Other than you feeling things had improved since he told you he wasn’t happy and didn’t find you attractive
Did anything actually change?
Ie address the lack of sex
Get to the bottom of his unhappiness and “resentment”?

@Magda72

If you leave now there are many disadvantages. Financially you’ll be worse off and likely struggle. Plus you’ll see less of your children- having to take it in turns with Christmas and birthdays and it will be hard for your children emotionally. You also can’t just go skipping off to do what you like as the children are in school. I'm sorry but this is TERRIBLE advice - stay with a man whom you love but who as actively told you he doesn't love you because of finances & children!!!! It's not the 19th century!!! Go to relationship therapy by all means but as pp's have said relationship therapy is worth nothing if there's an ow who hasn't been admitted to.

It’s not terrible advice. Lots of people make the decision to stay, at least until the children are older, for exactly these reasons. There is a lot more to life than being in a happy marriage. If there isn’t any abuse, and people can remain nice to each other sometimes it can be better to stay. Every situation is different.

@litterbird

You must do what you want to do OP. He has laid his cards down and wants to stay. Your role now will be housekeeper, cook, cleaner and if he is a bit frisky - a bit on the side too. He’s told you where you stand in his life and it’s not a wife it’s a nanny for the kids so he can go about his other business. See. This happen too many times, the script is being played out. Sorry OP, but if you are desperate to stay then you can as long as you know the rules of engagement with him.

Where the HECK has the op even implied that he’s said he wants her as a housekeeper etc?

For all we know - he does all the housework

Talk about looking for shadows

I’m not nanny, housekeeper etc. He does half the childcare - worked part time until last summer. He does more housework than me - I’m the lazy one. He encourages me to go out and do my own thing. He rarely goes out except to his one hobby which is maybe once a week and to work. There is no other woman - he has no chance for an ow.

@ravenmum Well said.

There is a world of difference in these 2 scenarios.

Hi Strawberry, why are you putting up with this.
At least get wise.

How very kind of him to tell you this with no reason or hope of the situation improving. He is essentially being faithful to the ow.

She has put restrictions on his love life and he is obeying her. Maybe she cant' leave her relationship at the moment, maybe she never will or maybe he is setting the scene for leaving you and looking like an absolute martyr on his way out.

I'm sorry for being blunt and there is nothing wrong with wanting to forgive and try again in your marriage but presently you are being lied to and decieved and therefore cannot make decisions with the lack of knowledge you have.

If he says no sex, love or intimacy, then you say no cooking, cleaning or looking after him. Spend more time on you, with your own timetable.

I would be finding out if/who this ow could be, they need a dose of reality, but instead you are lying down and making it easy for them.

I'm really sorry but if you uncover these untruths you may find your husband may miracuously find he wants to be intimate with you again, not that I think you should ever forgive him for those incredibly hurtful words.

I feel that he may have another woman on the side. Your husband says he will go to counselling now but why did he not mention doing this a few months ago?
Perhaps now her circumstances are beginning to change and he might want to tell people he tried to makes his marriage work before you split up.
I know you want to stay married because of your kids. You may not be aware that your kids could notice that things are not good between you. My advice he is that you get all your documents together and get legal advice on what would happen if you were to get a divorce. Staying in a loveless marriage is not good for you or the children. Don't get into a fighting match with him and agree that neither of you say bad things about the other person to the kids.
You need to think of your own and the kids own long term future now.

@Bagelsandbrie

It’s shit advice

@StrawberrySquirrelThief

I’m not nanny, housekeeper etc. He does half the childcare - worked part time until last summer. He does more housework than me - I’m the lazy one. He encourages me to go out and do my own thing. He rarely goes out except to his one hobby which is maybe once a week and to work. There is no other woman - he has no chance for an ow.

@litterbird

[quote Toanewstart23]@Bagelsandbrie

It’s shit advice[/quote]
Maybe if you’re 20/30s and have the time, energy and motivation to start all over again. If you’re older there’s a lot more to having a comfortable, happy life. The dh in this situation knows this, that’s why he’s saying he wants to stay. He’s perhaps just more honest than a lot of people who pretend they are still “in love” with their husband / wife. Not everyone who goes off sex has someone on the side either. Mumsnet is so black and white about these things, life really isn’t that simple.

There is a lot more to life than being in a happy marriage. If there isn’t any abuse, and people can remain nice to each other sometimes it can be better to stay. Every situation is different.
Except he's NOT being nice!
Being nice would involve something along the lines of "@StrawberrySquirrelThief I'm really struggling with my feelings at the moment. I'm not sure why or exactly how I feel but our marriage means a lot to me and I'm going to go to therapy to address myself & see what's going on with me & I would very much appreciate it if you could bear with me while I do that & I promise to keep dialogue open between us."
It is NOT nice to say "my feelings for you are gone. My feelings for you are still gone. I don't want to have sex with you & I don't find you attractive & that's unlikely to change. But btw I don't want to leave my home and kids so can you just deal with my having no feelings for you and we'll both trot on. And I'll go to couples counselling so at least it looks like I tried."
Scenario A - he takes responsibility for his feelings and strives to do something while treating op with respect.
Scenario B - he puts it on her & totally disrespects her.

@StrawberrySquirrelThief

I’m not nanny, housekeeper etc. He does half the childcare - worked part time until last summer. He does more housework than me - I’m the lazy one. He encourages me to go out and do my own thing. He rarely goes out except to his one hobby which is maybe once a week and to work. There is no other woman - he has no chance for an ow.

There's always chance if he leaves the house there's a chance !

He has drawn a line on their sex life for a reason.

Men who wish to stay married but have lost attraction tend not to be so blunt, he is keeping his wife at arms length and expecting her to be ok with that by stating he doesn't want to leave.

Search for another woman op.

If you find her and she is married, that needs opening up so all parties can be truthful

If he wants to be truthful with his hurtful ways and actions then let him be exposed to the real truth and the consequenses of that.
I'm afraid he sounds like a selfish man who feels he can manipulate the situation.
I think if you go to couples councelling, the therapist will find the I don't love you or want to be intimate again coupled with I want to stay a little confusing aswell.

@Bagelsandbrie

I’m 40 and had the “motivation” to start over

Very very very happy

I think many couples live together but aren’t together in an intimate way and it suits them fine as they still share childcare, bills etc.

But I don’t know if this is an option for you both as it needs to be mutual but it seems you both want different things - you are hoping to get back into a proper relationship but he doesn’t want that to happen.

I think you need to decide whether you could be just friends or if you want more than that. If you want more but he doesn’t then your only option would be to separate properly.

@Bagelsandbrie

I don’t get it
Did you regret leaving your partner and being a single mum?

@StrawberrySquirrelThief

I’m not ready to give up yet. I know that most of you will think I’m an idiot and yes I probably am. This is someone I have over 20 years of history and two kids with.

I don’t think I’ll come back to this thread. I’ve read it and I’ll keep reading but I can’t make that move yet.

Don't feel pressured into divorce @StrawberrySquirrelThief due to what a few strangers online are saying. It's easy for them to say break up your family and marriage when they'll be completely unaffected by it. People on this site always advocate for divorce.

It's definitely worth going for counselling to work our the underlying reasons why his sexual attraction to you declined. It obviously was there for a long time since you both dated, married and had kids together.

The modern stressful busy life puts so much strain on relationships and it's easy for attraction to wane when parents are trying to do the impossible of working, household running and looking after children with so few hours in the day. Often people neglect their spouses in favour of always putting kids or career in the centre of everything. I'd go for counselling. Things can definitely turn around for the better given time and the right intervention

I am not advocating divorce, I wish for the op to become more aware, she currently has no idea what her relationship is going to look like.

She hs been given a set of instructions of how he will not be intimate anymore with her. He has also told her he does not love her.

But he wants to remain in situ, with all the advantages of a continuing marriage, financially, children, home and reputation.

Everyone who stays in a marriage regardless of the reasons why others think they should not, have every right to choose their own path, but it seems op wants to bury her head in the sand regarding finding out the reasons of this confession.

If you feel you arn't strong enough to uncover these reasons now then how will you cope with the loss of love in years to come.
Living without care and affection is extremely hard year in year out and will take it's toll on your mental and physical health no matter how wonderful your lifestyle is.

Ge to the bottom of it op.

I was your husband a couple of years ago. There was no affair and lockdown, menopause, homeschooling took it toll. I was attracted to someone which I was completely honest about and we did months of marriage counselling which was painful but I'm glad we did it as it made me realise that our relationship wasn't anything like it had been.

We lived in the same house for a year after we split and now do 50/50 parenting with 2 family meals (both of us with the kids) twice a week and all go out for day trips ect. We are friends- it's possible - and still spend all birthdays and Christmas all 4 of us together. It's a massive hit money wise - I'm having to get a mortgage at 50 just when things were getting comfortable. But staying together just for the kids seemed unfair on both me and him. Good luck.

You asked what do you do now?

Put up with it unless you are willing to make a change

If he feels like this the chances are he will leave anyway once the DC are older

[quote Toanewstart23]@Bagelsandbrie

I don’t get it
Did you regret leaving your partner and being a single mum?[/quote]
No of course not. I was in my 20s, had tons of energy, worked 2 jobs and my dd was very young - in fact she was barely a toddler so had no memory of her dad ever being there and he was quite abusive so it was a fairly easy decision to make in many ways. She is now 19 and at university so this was many years ago!

However, as someone in their mid 40s now with chronic health conditions and a wealth of life experience under my belt including dealing with a disabled child and having lost all close relatives to cancer I would imagine many people like me would find it a tough choice to leave just because their dh turned around and said they didn’t feel the same way. I expect a lot of people would just want a comfortable, quiet life. That is NOT my situation by the way - dh and I have been together 15 years now and very happy, we tell each other we love each other every day and are very close. We are lucky. I understand that. But I’ve been through two very tough break ups in my life - one leaving me financially much worse off and I don’t think I could be bothered to do all that again. It’s a huge upheaval when you have a lot of stuff going on.

And I really disagree with people saying the ops dh isn’t being nice - it’s not nice to be told someone doesn’t love you in the way you want to be loved, but if the op is asking him and he’s saying that it’s being honest - not necessarily nasty. Maybe he shouldn’t have said it at all, given that he seems to want to stay anyway but that’s a whole different thing isn’t it.

*not a nice feeling I mean

A man who is content in his marriage and loves his wife but who feels he has reached a stage of life where he no longer needs sexual intimacy, can just say that. "I'm happy together but I don't feel the need to do that any more." That is not what he said to you. He said he doesn't love you. That is a strongly antagonistic, a marriage-destroying statement to make to your wife. It's humiliating, and intended to be.

I agree with the others that there is likely another woman. Get your finances in order and make sure you are not blindsided and left in a bad position if he leaves.

Could he be depressed? My husband said this when he was. It had nothing to do with me, he didn’t feel anything about anything and was misinterpreting his feelings. Unlike the rest of MN I think relationships are worth working on. If he wants to go to counselling do that. It is possible to fall in love again.

@Bagelsandbrie

You have a chronic health condition
A child with a disability
And grieving for multiple lost relatives

I don’t think the OP has even alluded to being in such a position

Most women in their forties have the “energy and motivation” to be able to start over after a marriage breakdown
I did
And I had a good enough career that I didn’t need to scrimp and work two jobs as i would have had to do if in my twenties

There is no other route other than to separate.
You deserve to be happy and your children have a right to feel safe and secure.

Being immersed in a home filled with passive aggression from him and deep and justifiable hurt from you is not enough.

I'm sorry OP but you deserve so much more.
Be happy, you'll never look back.