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Original poster

DP’s university friend

114 replies

Sparrowhawk111 · 18/02/2022 20:48

I’ve been dating my DP for over a year, we are in our late 50s and it’s going very well. He left a marriage that was unhappy for a long time about eighteen months ago. He was very cautious about telling family and friends until he felt that the relationship was going to be long term as it started quite soon after he left. I feel like I’m gradually being accepted which is progress. He has an old university friend who he visits for a weekend a couple of times a year as she lives about three hours away, he said she has been incredibly supportive during the latter years of marriage and divorce. She has been divorced for several years and does not currently have a partner. He decided to tell her about us during his last visit. When he got back he chatted about lots of things, her grown up children, where they had all been for a meal, the place she lives, her retirement plans. I asked what he had said about us and he said told her he is in a serious new relationship and she was happy that he is now happy, all good. Then I asked if he’d shown her any photos or told her how we’d met and he replied no as she’d just changed the subject and not asked anything about me at all. If a friend of mine had a new partner I’d want to know everything about them! Does anyone else think this is strange or am I being over sensitive?

OP posts:
NotaCoolMum · 18/02/2022 21:05

No I’d feel the same. If they’re that close you’d think she’d want to know about you?! Also don’t quite get why he felt the need to not tell her about you for so long?

iwishu · 18/02/2022 21:11

She's probably a FB and doesn't want to know that much about you

PermanentTemporary · 18/02/2022 21:16

I'm afraid as I get older I'm genuinely less interested in other people's new partners. I will talk to them and get to know them if we meet, but if I'm with an old friend I just want to hear about them and revel in being together.

BOOTS52 · 18/02/2022 21:17

It seems like she may be put out that he has someone else in his life that will be taking up his time but equally she should have been one of the first people that he told and if that was me would be showing photos and showing you off. Hope he is not the type that enjoys having two women giving him attention. Have they got any past history or has anything ever happened between them at all. He should be bringing you to meet her as she seems to take up a lot of his time. How would he feel if you had a very close male friend and were spending weekends with him. Not saying people have to give up friends but he should include you so you can gauge the situation yourself. Just take things slowly and keep your independence and other friends and hobbies so if it does not work out you still have your life.

phizog · 18/02/2022 21:19

This happened to me. He had a close woman friend and when he told her about me she asked no questions and showed no interest. Had no interest in meeting me and when we finally did meet, she barely spoke to me. Like she wanted to pretend I didn't exist. Turns out she had had feelings for him throughout, it all came spilling out one night and they aren't in touch anymore. He never reciprocated her feelings so it was a huge shock to him too. But it took a real toll on our relationship as her weirdness lasted more than a year and I wish I had spotted it sooner. Instead I wanted to be a cool gf so never said anything. Though I knew from that first time when he told her of me and she changed the subject, it was going to be a mess.

Trust your instinct on this.

waterrat · 18/02/2022 21:21

Maybe she just feels a bit jealous thst he had found someone and she hasn't. I think without more information you shouldn't waste time worrying about it. Why does it matter if they only see each other rarely.

TheBigPeach · 18/02/2022 21:22

Is it possible that she had hoped things might turn romantic between them and is disappointed??

Honeyroar · 18/02/2022 21:27

@TheBigPeach

Is it possible that she had hoped things might turn romantic between them and is disappointed??
This would be my guess too.
Original poster
Sparrowhawk111 · 18/02/2022 21:45

Interesting answers, I don’t want him to change the routine of his friendship with her after 35 years. I did suggest that we at least meet at some point as well as his usual visits and he said he didn’t think she would want to do that as she sees herself as his friend. I think that when they were younger they met up as families and she is godparent to one of his sons but I’ve got the impression she hadn’t met up with them as a family for many years as she didn’t like his wife. The truth is I really can’t be bothered with a big drama if she does have feelings for him.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 18/02/2022 21:54

I read these posts thinking he’s a bit strange too. Why would she have to ask about you? Wouldn’t he just tell her? And he doesn’t seem keen on mixing his world with her and his world you, although he suggests it is her that wouldn’t. I think it’s all a bit weird.

phizog · 18/02/2022 21:57

@Sparrowhawk111

Interesting answers, I don’t want him to change the routine of his friendship with her after 35 years. I did suggest that we at least meet at some point as well as his usual visits and he said he didn’t think she would want to do that as she sees herself as his friend. I think that when they were younger they met up as families and she is godparent to one of his sons but I’ve got the impression she hadn’t met up with them as a family for many years as she didn’t like his wife. The truth is I really can’t be bothered with a big drama if she does have feelings for him.
Oh this sounds so much much like what I went through. She refused to meet me, I was never invited if they met up. And they met up every week. Same reason - she didn't think she needed to meet me. Obv had no problem meeting other friends' partners. It caused so many arguments between us because he didn't think it was a big deal. I finally put my foot down and insisted so he took me to a group thing with other people, and she ignored me, only spoke to him. I then found out she hadn't liked his ex either. A few months later they met up (without me obv) and she drunkenly confessed she'd loved him for 10 years.... looking back, she tried really hard to sabotage us.

If she refuses to meet you, you're already in the drama I'm afraid. If she didn't even like his ex wife, that's not a good sign. Be honest with him that a friendship that needs him to be exclude his partner isn't respectful to you. See what he says. But don't pretend you're ok with something you're not. It will just get worse.

Original poster
Sparrowhawk111 · 18/02/2022 22:32

Well he probably won’t visit again until the autumn, maybe I should just wait and see what happens next time. They speak about once a month on the phone. I really don’t do drama.

OP posts:
tygh787 · 18/02/2022 23:25

Doesnt it just depend on their friendship. I absolutely have a few male friends who have recently got a new partner and havent really talked much about them. I would love to know more but they are not usually ones to divulge much about their relationships so I havent prodded them much about it. I am happily married so it's not that I have any romantic feelings for them, just that they tend to be fairly factual when it comes to their relationships and I respect that. Now if it was a female friend, I'd expect to hear all about their other half.

haikyew · 19/02/2022 02:59

Likely she wants more
And making a point not to
Ask about OP

SD1978 · 19/02/2022 04:20

I'd be happy with that level of detail from a male friend/ acquaintance I see every few months. I can't say I'd sit there and go 'ooh'! How did you meet, where was your first date, can I see a picture' he told her. She congratulated him, they moved on and talked about other things. I'd find it more weird gushing over some woman I'd never met like a teenager with him.

Momijin · 19/02/2022 04:33

Whether she's uninterested in you or she fancies him, it doesn't really matter. They've been friends for many years and if he was interested then he would have approached her and not started a relationship with you. I wouldn't let it worry you op.

shiningcuckoo · 19/02/2022 04:49

I have a very old friend I see occasionally. Before he got married he had quite a few relationships and after his divorce too. I only met his wife a handful of times and I've never met any of his subsequent partners. I don't mind whether I meet them or not - it's all pretty irrelevant because they don't tend to last. One day he might meet one who does last. It's unlikely I'll meet her. There has never been a hint of romance between us and I'm certainly not pining after him even though I've been single for almost 6 years now. I think I've just learnt that I don't have to be involved in every part of my friends lives and things with my friend are fine just the way we are.

Marmelace · 19/02/2022 05:09

If the friend was a man, would you be as bothered about the uniterest.

Marmelace · 19/02/2022 05:10

Uninterest?

user1481840227 · 19/02/2022 05:32

I asked what he had said about us and he said told her he is in a serious new relationship and she was happy that he is now happy, all good. Then I asked if he’d shown her any photos or told her how we’d met and he replied no as she’d just changed the subject and not asked anything about me at all. If a friend of mine had a new partner I’d want to know everything about them! Does anyone else think this is strange or am I being over sensitive?

Not necessarily.
Perhaps with female friends she would be more likely to ask to see a picture of the new man and have a more 'girly' chat about it, but with a male friend she's not too interested in the details as they are not used to having those kind of chats!

If she refuses to meet you, you're already in the drama I'm afraid.
Again, that's not necessarily true.

If I was that woman and my friend said his new partner wanted to meet me then straight away I would think ffs she must think I fancy him...Am I really bothered going for a meet up where our interactions are going to be watched and assessed? especially if I was in my late 50s!
Perhaps she would see the OP as the drama and not want to get involved.

I would however be perfectly ok with the weekend visits stopping though!

Seema1234 · 19/02/2022 05:55

I think you're jumping to conclusions. You asked him if his friend has asked about you and wanted to see photos. If a partner asked me that about a friend of the opposite sex I would think there was some rivalry or jealousy stewing and might try and dampen that down by shutting the conversation down . I wonder if that's what he did? I find it odd that you asked him that. I assume you wouldn't have done had the friend been a man? It sounds like you're insecure about their friendship or trying to whip up a drama.

phizog · 19/02/2022 06:07

@user1481840227

I asked what he had said about us and he said told her he is in a serious new relationship and she was happy that he is now happy, all good. Then I asked if he’d shown her any photos or told her how we’d met and he replied no as she’d just changed the subject and not asked anything about me at all. If a friend of mine had a new partner I’d want to know everything about them! Does anyone else think this is strange or am I being over sensitive?

Not necessarily.
Perhaps with female friends she would be more likely to ask to see a picture of the new man and have a more 'girly' chat about it, but with a male friend she's not too interested in the details as they are not used to having those kind of chats!

If she refuses to meet you, you're already in the drama I'm afraid.
Again, that's not necessarily true.

If I was that woman and my friend said his new partner wanted to meet me then straight away I would think ffs she must think I fancy him...Am I really bothered going for a meet up where our interactions are going to be watched and assessed? especially if I was in my late 50s!
Perhaps she would see the OP as the drama and not want to get involved.

I would however be perfectly ok with the weekend visits stopping though!

They've been together for over a year.... that's really not too 'early to meet' the partner of a friend of 35 years who spends weekends with you.

Especially since she used to meet up as families with him and his ex wife and her husband. So their friendship has previously involved partners and families. What's the issue now?

She also hasn't liked the ex wife according to OP.

So in their entire 35 year friendship, she hasn't EVER warmed to the women in his life....

It doesn't take Sherlock Holmes to figure out that she clearly only wants him alone and to the exclusion of other women. That isn't friendship, because friendship doesn't pretend a large part of someone's life doesn't exist. She talks about her children doesn't she, what's the issue with talking about someone's partner. If she had a partner, would she similarly be excluding him or expecting to have weekends together just with her friend.

BadNomad · 19/02/2022 06:11

Maybe she just doesn't think it's worth getting excited about yet. This relationship started very soon after his last one ended but she's only hearing about it now. She could be thinking how serious can it be.

Frannibananni · 19/02/2022 06:15

You don’t interest her. It’s not that she’s into him just that she hasn’t met you yet. Partners come and go. This is the first time he’s mentioned you.

RantyAunty · 19/02/2022 06:17

I have to agree with not caring much about partners or other friends.

Someone I see a few times a year, I'm wanting to catch up with them. I'm not interested in meeting or being friends with new partners.

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