DP’s university friend

[Sparrowhawk111]

I’ve been dating my DP for over a year, we are in our late 50s and it’s going very well. He left a marriage that was unhappy for a long time about eighteen months ago. He was very cautious about telling family and friends until he felt that the relationship was going to be long term as it started quite soon after he left. I feel like I’m gradually being accepted which is progress. He has an old university friend who he visits for a weekend a couple of times a year as she lives about three hours away, he said she has been incredibly supportive during the latter years of marriage and divorce. She has been divorced for several years and does not currently have a partner. He decided to tell her about us during his last visit. When he got back he chatted about lots of things, her grown up children, where they had all been for a meal, the place she lives, her retirement plans. I asked what he had said about us and he said told her he is in a serious new relationship and she was happy that he is now happy, all good. Then I asked if he’d shown her any photos or told her how we’d met and he replied no as she’d just changed the subject and not asked anything about me at all. If a friend of mine had a new partner I’d want to know everything about them! Does anyone else think this is strange or am I being over sensitive?

OP,

You can walk away for any reason.

I think listening to your gut is key here.

Sometimes it can be a simple getting Ick for someone because of their choices.

He may not be doing anything at all but you simply get the Icknfor someone who is so emotionally attached to someone who is completely disinterested in you, and him being happy with that.

I can so understand you simply not being arsed with drama of any sort.

I would proceed with caution and suit yourself.

As I’ve got older I’m not interested in meeting new people. It changes the dynamics.

They have a nice friendship, meeting up twice a year. Why would they want to change the routine of all those years?

It’s not necessarily dodgy.

I’ll say I would hope to mix and match seeing friends individually and together. If he doesn’t agree to this then I will probably step away.

You wouldn’t need to step away, I’d be sending you away if you tried to interfere with my long term friendships.

@NYnewstart

I’ll say I would hope to mix and match seeing friends individually and together. If he doesn’t agree to this then I will probably step away.

You wouldn’t need to step away, I’d be sending you away if you tried to interfere with my long term friendships.

Not sure this would be a great loss to OP. He's not a prize to be won. It's as much his loss as it would be hers. And would take away the burden of her having to end it anyway.

Also, you say you don't have much interest in your friends' relationships or meeting new people, but you're on a Relationships board advising internet strangers (aka new people) on their relationships......

@billy1966

OP,

You can walk away for any reason.

I think listening to your gut is key here.

Sometimes it can be a simple getting Ick for someone because of their choices.

He may not be doing anything at all but you simply get the Icknfor someone who is so emotionally attached to someone who is completely disinterested in you, and him being happy with that.

I can so understand you simply not being arsed with drama of any sort.

I would proceed with caution and suit yourself.

Great advice here

@billy1966

OP,

You can walk away for any reason.

I think listening to your gut is key here.

Sometimes it can be a simple getting Ick for someone because of their choices.

He may not be doing anything at all but you simply get the Icknfor someone who is so emotionally attached to someone who is completely disinterested in you, and him being happy with that.

I can so understand you simply not being arsed with drama of any sort.

I would proceed with caution and suit yourself.

Absolutely the OP can choose to walk away at any point, for any reason, but surely the only one creating drama here is the OP? Her boyfriend hasn’t told his old friend anything at all about their relationship, his friend is fine with that, and as the two only see one another twice a year, it’s hardly as if this friendship is eating up lots of her boyfriend’s time and attention.

The friend isn't just someone he sees a few times a week...it's not quite that casual is it if she's godmother to his child and they share such intimate and personal details of his life.

Also, we've just had a pandemic, how does OP know how frequently they saw each other before then? Do people really make casual mates they see twice a year godparents? Share details of their sex life with someone they aren't closer to than anyone else?

How does anyone know how much influence this friend has on DP? How much does he take her opinion and advice as the gospel? If she said he didn't think he should move in with OP, would he listen to her? None of these are things OP will know or ever find out because this woman doesn't want to meet her or get to learn about her. All she knows is they've been friends for 35 years, and since her divorce she hasn't introduced him to her new partners (yet discussed their sex lives) and now doesn't want to meet his new partner. All of which seem like potential drama waiting to happen.

And why should OP trust so completely the intentions of a woman she's never met and never will? Her DP may not be romantically involved but how much does he depend on and rely on this woman emotionally - to the extent she can subtly sabotage the relationship. She may not even be in love with him but it can certainly be a control/possession dynamic - she likes him always being available for her. Exactly like a toxic partner.

I was naive enough to think exactly like posters here about the woman friend who tried and almost succeeded in sabotaging my relationship. She'd been married the entire time they were friends and her husband was also close friends with my DP. It took me ages to realise that every time he told her something positive about our relationship, she'd find a way to downplay it or put doubts in his head. It was so subtle, you'd never have guessed. Even the final confessing of feelings after 14 years of friendship, was a control tactic. She'd never leave her DH, she just liked my DP's undivided attention - he was always around for her when her DH wasn't. Meeting me deprioritised her and she hated it. So yes, long term friendships can be as toxic as relationships- it's all still people. All anyone has to go on is instinct and gut.

It sounds like you are looking for drama where there is none. She only found out you existed. You sound like you feel like you are in some competition with her and want her to see how you look and hear about you. Do you want her to be jealous or you think you are better catch than she could ever be? I don't get why you need to her to talk about you. She is your DPs friend.

I never really ask about friends partners other than the couple perfunctory questions. Once I meet the new partner or we hang out I learn more about them but I don't quiz friends about new partners. I would find that very odd. They would also think it odd that I needed to know all the details of their new man. What do I need that information for?

I agree with the PP. You also only have your DPs say on what she did or didn't ask. If my new DP wanted to know whether my friend of the opposite was asking about them I might edit my answer if I thought they were getting jealous.

I think that sounds deeply paranoid, @phizog. Sure, the boyfriend’s old friend MIGHT be a scheming saboteur, but there’s no evidence whatsoever of that, is there? The OP is just cross she didn’t display a flattering level of interest in her. A schemer would ask a lot more questions to grasp the situation — as things are, the OP says her boyfriend was very cautious about telling people about the relationship, so he’s not volunteering information other than the fact he’s happy, and the friend hasn’t asked more. And yes, it does sound as if they saw one another more regularly in the past, perhaps when they had younger children, but that stopped happening — friendships ebb and flow over long periods, and the OP says the friend didn’t like his wife, and as she got divorced herself it stopped being any kind of ‘whole family meet-up’ situation. Now it sounds like a comfortable one-on-one friendship where they see one another a couple of times a year.

Of course the OP should end the relationship if she’s not feeling it, but at the moment literally all that’s happened is that the boyfriend’s friend she’s never met hasn’t been flatteringly interested in her existence, wanted to see a photo or demanded to meet her, and her boyfriend hasn’t spilled his guts about how they met, which the OP doesn’t want.

He was very cautious about telling family and friends until he felt that the relationship was going to be long term as it started quite soon after he left
So he won't have told her that he's been with you for more than a year, will he? Maybe she got the impression he's just started dating and has met someone.

She's kept her nose well out of his business and you're thinking of ending it because you can't stand people interfering? Do you have a tendency to sabotage your relationships?

@PollenIsland

I think that sounds deeply paranoid, *@phizog*. Sure, the boyfriend’s old friend MIGHT be a scheming saboteur, but there’s no evidence whatsoever of that, is there? The OP is just cross she didn’t display a flattering level of interest in her. A schemer would ask a lot more questions to grasp the situation — as things are, the OP says her boyfriend was very cautious about telling people about the relationship, so he’s not volunteering information other than the fact he’s happy, and the friend hasn’t asked more. And yes, it does sound as if they saw one another more regularly in the past, perhaps when they had younger children, but that stopped happening — friendships ebb and flow over long periods, and the OP says the friend didn’t like his wife, and as she got divorced herself it stopped being any kind of ‘whole family meet-up’ situation. Now it sounds like a comfortable one-on-one friendship where they see one another a couple of times a year.

Of course the OP should end the relationship if she’s not feeling it, but at the moment literally all that’s happened is that the boyfriend’s friend she’s never met hasn’t been flatteringly interested in her existence, wanted to see a photo or demanded to meet her, and her boyfriend hasn’t spilled his guts about how they met, which the OP doesn’t want.

But she's thinking of ending it ONLY IF he and his friend show a reluctance to meet her. Atm she's being wary. Which is completely fair.

Has it occurred to you that OP has been in a bubble with a man for a year and is only now seeing what the rest of his 'real life' with friends and family is like. Do you not think it's deeply unfair and inconsiderate to ask your partner to just trust who you say you are without meeting friends or family or seeing your real life for so long? Of course OP agreed to it, but now to be told there's still going to some odd secrecy for a while longer with a particular friend is an amber flag at the least.

I keep making the point - until you meet someone's friends and family, you do not know who they are. You exist in a little vacuum. And if he has a woman in his life who OP is only now realising the extent of their closeness, and how she will always be excluded - she's right to be wary. Honestly, she doesn't even know if this woman knows about her!

It's not paranoia when you have literally no evidence to confirm either way any details about this friend or their dynamic. When until recently she hadn't even met his other friends and family. It is only now she's getting to see what are the other important dynamics in his life - and what she's seen has made her wary. Being expected to be ok with a man going off on weekends and being so close to a woman who she won't meet is bonkers!

Imagine that he goes to meet this friend and is never seen again. There's a police investigation and they ask her as his partner of years where he was last seen. And her saying, 'with his closest friend but I don't know exactly where she lives or what she's like other than hearsay. She's the godmother to his child too i can't tell you anything about their relationship as I've never met her.' Its a dark example but shows the importance of knowing all the main actors in the life of the person you're sharing a bed and home and finances with.

To be honest, I suspect she hoped for more but the feelings aren't reciprocated. He may not even have realised because to him she's just a friend.

I've been in this situation, I was the platonic friend and found out he was playing the long game hoping for more.

Do you not think it's deeply unfair and inconsiderate to ask your partner to just trust who you say you are without meeting friends or family or seeing your real life for so long?

But the OP says he is telling his friends and family gradually, after (perhaps understandable) initial caution because he started the relationship so quickly after the end of his marriage -- the OP says she's beginning to feel accepted, and is presumably meeting said friends and family, or meeting them is on the cards for the future.

Why focus so much on this one friend and her apparent lack of obvious interest in a relationship she has only just heard about?

If anything, I think the OP's beef is with her boyfriend's caution and decision not to gush about her, show her a photo, tell her how they met -- though she later says she absolutely doesn't want him to tell his friend any intimate details about their relationship, so he's acting according to her wishes.

It's hard to imagine the OP getting this exercised about the same lack of interest from a male friend her boyfriend sees twice a year, and I find the leaps from 'she didn't ask to see a photo or express a desire to meet me' to 'she must be harbouring a long-concealed secret desire to shag him' a bit mad. Sure, maybe she is scheming to get him into her bed, but if so, she's really playing the long game, isn't she?

@gogohm

To be honest, I suspect she hoped for more but the feelings aren't reciprocated. He may not even have realised because to him she's just a friend.

I've been in this situation, I was the platonic friend and found out he was playing the long game hoping for more.

A long game that lasted 35 years and outlasted two marriages?

You can walk away, sure. But I have friends that go back longer than university, whose spouses and partners I have zero interest in knowing much about or meeting. Doesn't mean I am pining for or what to shag my friends.

It just means that

Rogue last line there, sorry.

@grapewine

You can walk away, sure. But I have friends that go back longer than university, whose spouses and partners I have zero interest in knowing much about or meeting. Doesn't mean I am pining for or what to shag my friends.

It just means that

Absolutely this.

I have a very dear university friend (and I was at university in the early 1990s, so it's a longterm friendship) who is bi and a fabulous human being but has consistently dreadful taste in partners, so I always see him one-on-one and only take the most token of interest in his boyfriend/fiancé and eventual husband/post-divorce relationships.

I have another lovely divorced longtime friend who goes for the same type of lively, managerial woman over and over again because his parents' marriage worked on that model (passive man, woman calling shots), and the relationships always go disastrously wrong after the initial thrill fades and girlfriends realise he expects them to 'manage' him and 'keep him up to speed' while he sort of bumbles along. I felt desperately sorry for his wife, and his current relationship shows signs of heading the same way. His girlfriend of a year sounds interesting, but I really don't want to invest in her, because the pattern is pretty established. He's a great friend, but a dreadful husband/longterm boyfriend.

In neither case do I want to shag anyone involved.

I only meet up with my uni friends a couple of times a year. I’ve known them about 35 years too. It’s such a long standing friendship that every time we meet up it’s as if we only saw each other a few days ago. It’s so comfortable and we have so much shared history. We meet up so infrequently that time is precious. I don’t want the dynamics changing by adding more people into our meet ups.

@billy1966

OP,

You can walk away for any reason.

I think listening to your gut is key here.

Sometimes it can be a simple getting Ick for someone because of their choices.

He may not be doing anything at all but you simply get the Icknfor someone who is so emotionally attached to someone who is completely disinterested in you, and him being happy with that.

I can so understand you simply not being arsed with drama of any sort.

I would proceed with caution and suit yourself.

There have been lots of interesting and helpful posts on this thread, but this absolutely sums up how I feel about the whole situation.

Must all old friendships simply HAVE to include 'the relationship?'

Maybe he wants a friendship just for him. Maybe she's not interested in his new girlfriend. Who knows

Just let him have his very long standing friendship which is basically not your concern.

If it turns out he's been shagging her for 35 years then yes - it's your business. Until that comes to light - just try and understand that being in a relationship with someone doesn't mean you need access to all their separate friendships

@CharlotteTuesday Of course friendships can be kept separate, however we aren't talking about a bloke he drinks at the pub with. She's a woman so it's a bit different than two men being friends.

[quote Migrainesbythedozen]@CharlotteTuesday Of course friendships can be kept separate, however we aren't talking about a bloke he drinks at the pub with. She's a woman so it's a bit different than two men being friends.[/quote]
Yes it’s not just meeting friends occasionally at the pub but plenty of people are telling the OP she is being silly or creating drama. I would love to know how many of them would be completely happy if their DH or DP wanted to go away for a weekend every six months to stay with a single woman.

@Migrainesbythedozen tell me why it's different? Are you actually saying that men are such Tom cats that they can't possibly be trusted to have drinks and food with SHOCK HORROR members of the opposite sex? Only permissible when it's another bloke?

Give over. Jealousy and possessiveness isn't a good look on anyone. With the absence of a man having a history of extra curricular shagging, people are free to meet up with who they choose. I wouldn't dream of running anything like this past my (very lovely) husband. Absolutely none of his business who I'm friends with

[quote CharlotteTuesday]@Migrainesbythedozen tell me why it's different? Are you actually saying that men are such Tom cats that they can't possibly be trusted to have drinks and food with SHOCK HORROR members of the opposite sex? Only permissible when it's another bloke?

Give over. Jealousy and possessiveness isn't a good look on anyone. With the absence of a man having a history of extra curricular shagging, people are free to meet up with who they choose. I wouldn't dream of running anything like this past my (very lovely) husband. Absolutely none of his business who I'm friends with [/quote]
@CharlotteTuesday So you would be completely happy if your DH wanted to go away for a weekend every six months to stay with a single woman. ??

Give over!