DP’s university friend

[Sparrowhawk111]

I’ve been dating my DP for over a year, we are in our late 50s and it’s going very well. He left a marriage that was unhappy for a long time about eighteen months ago. He was very cautious about telling family and friends until he felt that the relationship was going to be long term as it started quite soon after he left. I feel like I’m gradually being accepted which is progress. He has an old university friend who he visits for a weekend a couple of times a year as she lives about three hours away, he said she has been incredibly supportive during the latter years of marriage and divorce. She has been divorced for several years and does not currently have a partner. He decided to tell her about us during his last visit. When he got back he chatted about lots of things, her grown up children, where they had all been for a meal, the place she lives, her retirement plans. I asked what he had said about us and he said told her he is in a serious new relationship and she was happy that he is now happy, all good. Then I asked if he’d shown her any photos or told her how we’d met and he replied no as she’d just changed the subject and not asked anything about me at all. If a friend of mine had a new partner I’d want to know everything about them! Does anyone else think this is strange or am I being over sensitive?

Also OP if she didn't like his ex wife, why did he wait a year to tell her about you? Because she obv had no loyalty to his ex wife and wouldn't have cared how quickly he moved on. And they're far removed enough, she wouldn't have told anyone else in his life. And if as previous posters say, she just isn't interested in his personal life, there was even less reason to hide it. So they were spending weekends together and talking on the phone and you just never came up? That takes some effort to hide an entire relationship.

It seems like he either knows subconsciously she'll be jealous and doesn't want to upset her.

Or is making her reactions up and saying she wouldn't want to meet you to make you jealous.

@RantyAunty

I have to agree with not caring much about partners or other friends.

Someone I see a few times a year, I'm wanting to catch up with them. I'm not interested in meeting or being friends with new partners.

But they used to meet up with their families together....so the friendship always included spouses and children?

@shiningcuckoo

I have a very old friend I see occasionally. Before he got married he had quite a few relationships and after his divorce too. I only met his wife a handful of times and I've never met any of his subsequent partners. I don't mind whether I meet them or not - it's all pretty irrelevant because they don't tend to last. One day he might meet one who does last. It's unlikely I'll meet her. There has never been a hint of romance between us and I'm certainly not pining after him even though I've been single for almost 6 years now. I think I've just learnt that I don't have to be involved in every part of my friends lives and things with my friend are fine just the way we are.

Pretty much this. My very longterm male friend got divorced about five years ago and has been seeing someone new for about a year. I didn’t much like his wife, whom I only met twice over about ten years, but I felt for her, because it seemed to me, seeing him in his home environment, that he was a disaster to be married to — lazy, passive, routine-bound. He’s had a few relationships since their split, but they haven’t lasted, he hasn’t wanted to talk about them, and obviously I haven’t met them. This one seems more serious, but we live a long way apart, and on the rare occasions we meet, we tend to talk about the things we have in common. It’s unlikely I’ll meet her unless they marry and invite me, (and I hope they don’t, as I see things going the same way second time around. He’s a lovely friend, and probably a lovely new boyfriend. but a disastrous husband, once he settles back into gaming and never wanting to leave the house.)

As with the PP, I’ve known this friend for the best part of two decades, during which time I’ve been happily married — I have zero romantic feeling towards him, and have never seen any evidence of any for me from him. He just doesn’t particularly want to talk about his girlfriends — I think out of caution after past experiences — and I’m not that interested in that side of his life.

Honestly? I’m not fifteen and life isn’t a mills and boons novel, I’d not be saying ooh show me pics, how did you meet, so no I don’t find this strange, I find it strange that you think a middle aged women should be behaving in such a manner.

I have lifelong me friend who I talk to daily (text never on the phone meet face to face every 1-3 months. I'd never ask to see a picture of his girlfriend
Also I don't ask about them and fortunately he doesn't push me to spend time with her- she's dull AF. But even if she wasn't I didn't pick her he did. I'm not interested in doing all that like I did with his ex wife. I don't expect him to spend time with my husband either.

For context I've known him since I was two and neither of us have or have ever had any romantic feelings for each other

She may be jealous in ways she can't explain. I'm newly single and reconnected with an old friend. We agreed we'd do some things together as she was also newly single. Then this friend met someone. They lived miles away so most weekends were either one visiting each other. We couldn't meet in week due to work and my children.. so we haven't.I must admit I felt a real mix of feelings. Jealous was probably one of them, sadness. It wasn't even that I was that bothered about meeting up i finally realised (there were reasons we hadn't stayed connected)!
Perhaps she did think he was an option, maybe she was pleased to have a single friend to hang out with as most of the old crowd coupled up and she wasn't. Maybe she's a bit lonely and didn't want to hear about his fun new girlfriend...etc.
Honestly I really wouldn't read too much into it. If she wants to be involved with him as more than friends then she can't help that feeling. If he reciprocated then there is nothing you can do to stop it. The more you are untrusting the more its likely to happen. If he really likes you then if this starts to happen he would pull away from either her or you, and if he doesn't then he's not yours and better to know.
I do think after a long time with someone else it's hard to introduce new partners to any groups. He might even being protective as friends can be judgemental especially if they are also still friends with his ex.

I have friends from university (30 years) and haven't seen their husbands since my own wedding which was nearly 20 years. We don't ever meet as couples. They're nice enough but we don't have anything in common. They have never been part of my life. Its different if people are friends as couples to start with. I have couple friends too.

@Adeleskirts

Honestly? I’m not fifteen and life isn’t a mills and boons novel, I’d not be saying ooh show me pics, how did you meet, so no I don’t find this strange, I find it strange that you think a middle aged women should be behaving in such a manner.

Actually that’s exactly how my friends reacted and they are middle aged women.

@RantyAunty

I have to agree with not caring much about partners or other friends.

Someone I see a few times a year, I'm wanting to catch up with them. I'm not interested in meeting or being friends with new partners.

Yes tbh I think this is most likely explanation, they have plenty of things to be catching up on.

@waterrat

Maybe she just feels a bit jealous thst he had found someone and she hasn't. I think without more information you shouldn't waste time worrying about it. Why does it matter if they only see each other rarely.

I think this may be true too, she’s been trying to fix up a weekend for a while. I wonder if she at the least expected they would start doing more things together and now is disappointed.

@NotaCoolMum

No I’d feel the same. If they’re that close you’d think she’d want to know about you?! Also don’t quite get why he felt the need to not tell her about you for so long?

We decided not to tell anyone at all for a long time until we felt like it might become a longer term thing. A mutual decision.

I'm going to assume middle aged women never ever take photos then? And don't ask about holidays or house renovations or jobs, never want to see photos of pets or children or even just their friends. They never scroll social media. I find it bizarre that suddenly at middle age people lose interest in developments in their friend's lives? If there's a lot to catch up on, surely a new partner is a pretty big one and falls under that category? They've only had a whole weekend together, what took up so much time that the person he sees most was just a foot note.

If people can still express an interest in holiday photos or wedding photos or basically any photos - they can also express an interest in knowing more about an important new person in the friend's life. I'm always bemused as to why the disinterest only ever extends to a partner - not work, hobbies, other family and friends, children- these too are all things the friend has chosen, like a partner.

Nearing 60 and relationships are just different.
The friends I've had for 40 years, it will be general about spouses/children/grandchildren.

Then we get to the gossip. We talk about people we went to school with, music, funny times, and at this age, sadly who has passed.

It's like a blast from the past and when us old farts are together dishing, I believe we both see the glimpses of our 17 year old or whatever age carefree selves.

I find it strange people aren’t interested in their friend’s lives though, whatever the age. What do you talk about when you meet up then? If my friend had come out of a long relationship and finally met someone they liked enough to be with for 12 months of course I’d be interested and happy for them. Same way we’d talk about a new job or house. It’s what’s going on in their life.. I don’t see how that’s just for youngsters! My sister in law has just started dating someone new and we talk about it a fair bit.

But why should she show all the interest in the new girlfriend and demand pictures rather than him just give her the details needed? If he is not particularly chatty about it, who should she have to lead that chat. Dating is probably not something they discuss. (As opposed to say discussing a thing you did together like a holiday).

You only heard how interested she was from your boyfriend anyway. He's hardly going to say 'yeah she was super excited and demanded photos and that we all get together soon'. I've never heard a man say something like that. Be more likely to say ' yeah she asked about you'... and keep it down low. Maybe he chatted nonstop about you and she was and drumming her fingers (is there anything more boring than an old friend who's come to visit droning on about their wonderful new boy/girlfriend?!?)

Sometimes it depends on the psychology of the individual

So in their entire 35 year friendship, she hasn't EVER warmed to the women in his life....

You might be onto something there if he'd had loads of girlfriends and she met and didn't warm to any of them.
You're talking about TWO women here, one that she met and one that she hasn't!

It doesn't take Sherlock Holmes to figure out that she clearly only wants him alone and to the exclusion of other women.

WOW, open and shut case then!
It's a theory, nothing else

That isn't friendship, because friendship doesn't pretend a large part of someone's life doesn't exist. She talks about her children doesn't she, what's the issue with talking about someone's partner. If she had a partner, would she similarly be excluding him or expecting to have weekends together just with her friend.

The OP was mentioned, she said she was happy for him, she didn't stick her fingers in her ears and say lalalalala I can't hear you. We don't know how the conversation actually went down!!
If she had a partner then maybe she would only briefly mention him too, you don't know anything about her a person.

I honestly don’t think you have anything to worry about. He told her about you and after 30 years of friendship if it was going to spill into something else it would have! Nothing to see here. Xx

I agree with you OP that if an old friend of mine told me they had a new partner, I'd be likely to ask for details. If I had feelings for the friend myself, I would be less enthused about finding out all about her and only ask a minimal amount out of politeness. So I can see it suggests something.

But 1. So what, as he has had years to decide if he would like a relationship with her?

And 2. Not everyone is as interested in their friends lives as maybe you and I are. I spoke with a really old friend on zoom recently. A couple of times the connection went off briefly after she had asked me about some aspects of my life. When it came back she said she hadn't heard all I said but not to bother repeating myself! (Yes, she's blunt!)

Also I wouldn't expect to necessarily introduce a new partner to long term friends I usually saw on a one to one basis. So perhaps she has little to no expectation of ever meeting you?

@user1481840227

So in their entire 35 year friendship, she hasn't EVER warmed to the women in his life....

You might be onto something there if he'd had loads of girlfriends and she met and didn't warm to any of them.
You're talking about TWO women here, one that she met and one that she hasn't!

It doesn't take Sherlock Holmes to figure out that she clearly only wants him alone and to the exclusion of other women.

WOW, open and shut case then!
It's a theory, nothing else

That isn't friendship, because friendship doesn't pretend a large part of someone's life doesn't exist. She talks about her children doesn't she, what's the issue with talking about someone's partner. If she had a partner, would she similarly be excluding him or expecting to have weekends together just with her friend.

The OP was mentioned, she said she was happy for him, she didn't stick her fingers in her ears and say lalalalala I can't hear you. We don't know how the conversation actually went down!!
If she had a partner then maybe she would only briefly mention him too, you don't know anything about her a person.

That's two women that the OP knows about. Assuming he's been married a while, and now has a long term partner (not everyone has masses of gfs) - that's 100% of the women in at least the last 20 years she hasn't warmed to. And is now refusing to meet the OP anyway (unless he's lied about it). You don't have to be enthusiastic or excited or even that bothered but it's weird to not even want to meet or be curious about an important person in your friend's life. The friendship isn't a bubble stuck in time where they're both single and no one else exists. I would question any friendship where someone needs to downplay and exclude their partner to keep a friend happy. I

The only thing OP knows for certain is that she is not going to be introduced to this friend anytime soon. As her DP has told her. Given it's a friendship where they spend weekends together, I would find it very odd for my DP to spend it with a single woman who has said she doesn't want to meet me.

@phizog
We only know about 2. Using 100% in this context to try to make your point seems stronger is just ridiculous.

There must have been some kind of warmness between the ex wife and this woman at one point as the friend is godmother to one of the children, either that or the OPs partner didn't care about the wishes of his wife!

The OP knows for certain she won't be introduced to the friend, but for all anyone knows it could be the DP who wants to keep them apart!

[quote user1481840227]@phizog
We only know about 2. Using 100% in this context to try to make your point seems stronger is just ridiculous.

There must have been some kind of warmness between the ex wife and this woman at one point as the friend is godmother to one of the children, either that or the OPs partner didn't care about the wishes of his wife!

The OP knows for certain she won't be introduced to the friend, but for all anyone knows it could be the DP who wants to keep them apart![/quote]
If someone has only ever had 2 relationships- and a friend hasn't liked the first one and doesn't even want to meet the second (if we believe OP's partner), I'd want to know why. Disliking someone's wife is a pretty big deal - there has to be a reason. And then not wanting to meet the new partner for a seriously tenuous reason is also odd.

I do agree however that it could be the OP's partner fudging this to keep them apart. Which is why I have said he could have lied about all of it. She's only just meeting all his friends and family, they've been in a little bubble, so she will only now see all the dynamics at play.

But the point still remains that irrespective of who's dictating this, the OP is in a relationship where her DP will be spending weekends with a woman she will never meet. I personally would find it difficult to stomach. Just because he's not 'chosen' his friend doesn't mean there can't be meddling or sabotage. Op has no idea how much influence this woman really has on her DP. Women have come and gone but they're still friends. So obviously her word counts for a lot. It's best if OP just keeps her wits about her. Obviously something about their interaction raised her spidey senses, and until she meets this woman and can see their dynamic for herself, it's best to stay wary.

When I was in my 20s, I'd have been all "oooh...what's she like? Tell me all about her!"
In my 60s, I have to say I wouldn't be all that fussed if it was a very very old friend that I only saw once every six months. I'd want to focus on our catch-up. I'd be pleased for them, but not really that interested that I'd ask lots of questions.

To be honest, I don't know many men who'd give much in the way of answers anyway.

@phizog ‘her partner will be spending weekends with a woman she will never meet, I personally would find this difficult to stomach’
@phizog ‘I would find it very odd for my DP to spend weekends with a single woman who has said she doesn’t want to meet me’

I think you have really hit the nail on the head. I really don’t want to interfere with their friendship and I also don’t particularly want to start up a new friendship with her. However I find her behaviour disrespectful towards me.