DP’s university friend

[Sparrowhawk111]

I’ve been dating my DP for over a year, we are in our late 50s and it’s going very well. He left a marriage that was unhappy for a long time about eighteen months ago. He was very cautious about telling family and friends until he felt that the relationship was going to be long term as it started quite soon after he left. I feel like I’m gradually being accepted which is progress. He has an old university friend who he visits for a weekend a couple of times a year as she lives about three hours away, he said she has been incredibly supportive during the latter years of marriage and divorce. She has been divorced for several years and does not currently have a partner. He decided to tell her about us during his last visit. When he got back he chatted about lots of things, her grown up children, where they had all been for a meal, the place she lives, her retirement plans. I asked what he had said about us and he said told her he is in a serious new relationship and she was happy that he is now happy, all good. Then I asked if he’d shown her any photos or told her how we’d met and he replied no as she’d just changed the subject and not asked anything about me at all. If a friend of mine had a new partner I’d want to know everything about them! Does anyone else think this is strange or am I being over sensitive?

@Migrainesbythedozen in the circumstances described by OP? An old uni mate of 35 years?

Absolutely. But then I'm not the controlling jealous type which you clearly have tendencies towards. You make it sound like they were bunked up in a hotel room together with room service - that of course is a different ball game

@Catkitcat, DH regularly spends weekends with an old friend of his I've never actually met -- she's a travel writer based in Barcelona, and he used to be in Andorra for work a few times a year, and would stop off to stay with her, or he'll sometimes meet up with her elsewhere if their paths crossed. As far as I know she's longterm single, but if they wanted to, certainly they could shag like bunnies. Just as I could have shagged the male friend I've gone to NY with a couple of times for a long weekend, but didn't.

Well apparently DP’s friend had suggested their next meeting should be a long weekend away together and wants to book something. I have told him that I am not comfortable with this as this is a new development in their friendship and he needs to think about how I feel before making a decision. If he decides to go then I will end our relationship. Several posters on this thread saying how they are perfectly fine with something like this and I am being silly or a drama queen. Essentially we all have our own boundaries and I am sticking to mine.

@Sparrowhawk111

Well apparently DP’s friend had suggested their next meeting should be a long weekend away together and wants to book something. I have told him that I am not comfortable with this as this is a new development in their friendship and he needs to think about how I feel before making a decision. If he decides to go then I will end our relationship. Several posters on this thread saying how they are perfectly fine with something like this and I am being silly or a drama queen. Essentially we all have our own boundaries and I am sticking to mine.

You know that she is feeling a little desperate now, and she will aim to seduce him on this long weekend. Women's intuition. I know it, you know it. And clearly she didn't think to ask you along did she? She has no regard for his relationship, she still sees him as a single man. Any other woman would say that their partner is welcome. If she's in her 50s she knows the etiquette. She is not a naive inexperienced woman in her 20s, right? She knows what she's doing. The lack of her mentioning says it all. She knows what she is doing. No woman asks a taken man to go away together on a long weekend. And she seems eager to lock it in, to book something. All the hairs are standing up on my neck. We both know what that means and what she wants. It's no longer in doubt now. It's now very clear.

And if he goes, definitely, he needs to know he cannot come back home. I'd say either I am coming too on this weekend, and make sure your part is definitely booked, or he says no to her that it's inappropriate.

In fact, as a taken man his side of the reply should go like this; "that's a good idea, I've been meaning to take Sparrowhawk to (where ever she suggests) for awhile now, I'll check and see and we can all book the weekend"/"that would be great, you and Sparrowhawk can get to know each other, I know she has asked about you and would love to meet you."
Now, I think you know that her reply to that will be something like "um, I was hoping it could be just us two."/I was hoping it could be just us two as there is something very important and confidential I want to discuss with you (me: or rather do to you)."

In which case, he should be a decent enough man to say, "I'm sorry but that's not appropriate, I am in a relationship now, and I won't do that to Sparrowhawk, that would be hurtful and disrespectful to her, she's my partner."
Now if he won't respond like this, he is not committed to you, he is not a decent man, he is not respectful of you and your boundaries, and he wants to act like he is a 'single man'. If he wants to act like that, let him be a single man then, and call it quits. And thank yourself lucky you've only been with him a bit over a year and have no kids to him so will have a clean split.

@Sparrowhawk111

Well apparently DP’s friend had suggested their next meeting should be a long weekend away together and wants to book something. I have told him that I am not comfortable with this as this is a new development in their friendship and he needs to think about how I feel before making a decision. If he decides to go then I will end our relationship. Several posters on this thread saying how they are perfectly fine with something like this and I am being silly or a drama queen. Essentially we all have our own boundaries and I am sticking to mine.

She’s going to make her move there I presume, declare her love for him. I wouldn’t be happy about it either and if he says he’s going anyway, you have your answer on this relationship.

I think you're jumping to conclusions too. Don't look for problems and stir up issues in your mind with a dear friend of his you haven't met yet. He may not have said a lot as men don't gossip about all sorts of details they way women do and she took the lead from him. Maybe you're not the most fascinating thing going on in her life and maybe she's a little worried its a bit soon for him to jump into a serious relationship. And maybe it is if you're getting all worried about his oldest friends.

@Bouledeneige Did you read OP's latest post? Clearly she wasn't jumping to conclusions. Friend now wants to go away with OP's partner - alone, for a long weekend.

@Sparrowhawk111

Well apparently DP’s friend had suggested their next meeting should be a long weekend away together and wants to book something. I have told him that I am not comfortable with this as this is a new development in their friendship and he needs to think about how I feel before making a decision. If he decides to go then I will end our relationship. Several posters on this thread saying how they are perfectly fine with something like this and I am being silly or a drama queen. Essentially we all have our own boundaries and I am sticking to mine.

Obviously you are entitled to have your boundaries, but as someone who has a longterm male friend I have gone away with in the past, it’s inconceivable to me that I would allow a new boyfriend to try to dictate the terms on which I continue an important friendship of 35 years. I don’t think you will need to end things, OP, because your bf may do so first. Haven’t you got your own important friendships you wouldn’t compromise on by your late 50s? I would have said that experience would have taught all three of you that while relationships come and go and children grow up and lead independent lives, a good friendship is incredibly valuable and shouldn’t be ‘retired’ because a new partner is insecure.

@Sfumato You don't think there is something wrong with a single woman asking a man in a relationship to go away, just the two of them, on a long weekend? Really? No one can be this naive..... It's just not possible.

[quote Migrainesbythedozen]@Sfumato You don't think there is something wrong with a single woman asking a man in a relationship to go away, just the two of them, on a long weekend? Really? No one can be this naive..... It's just not possible.[/quote]
Obviously I only know what the OP has said (from a place of deep suspicion) about her situation, but I’ve been happily married for forever, am in my late 40s and have a male friend since my own student days whom I used to go on weekends away with (he has been married, divorced, single and is now seeing someone I haven’t yet met). It has never occurred to me to see him in a sexual light (urgh, the idea!) and that is either entirely mutual or he’s playing the world’s longest long game, because we’ve periodically gone on trips together since the 1990s until the start of Covid. Did we have the opportunity to sleep together? Literally dozens of times. Has it ever been on the cards? God, no. He’s like my brother.

So in summer we are going to a festival near where she lives. DP has suggested that he will speak to her and arrange for us all to meet and have lunch either when we are on the way down or back. There may be a family event we would both be at so he wants us to meet first. He’s a bit embarrassed about the long weekend suggestion, he says over last few months she’s mentioned various things they could do together as they were both single and he’s felt bad about not telling her about us as we’ve stuck to our agreement to be careful about letting others know. I’m not sure if she’s mentioned the long weekend since he let her know about us. I’m reading between the lines but I think he might think he should not have gone along with he conversations as now she will be disappointed she hasn’t got an activity and holiday companion.

OP,
Be resolute in your boundaries.
Of course you should.

You are in your 50's and I can perfectly understand that you have zero interest in trying to be cool, when you don't wish to.

Your boundaries are for you alone to be content with.
I commend you for it.

I do think it was a bit off of him to not give her a discreet heads up when she was suggesting various trips.
It certainly would have been kinder.

Either way, you suit yourself.

@Sfumato meanwhile on Mumsnet today there are two threads ‘Should I go for it with my friend’ and ‘Should I tell my friend I love him’ about this very thing, women wanting to declare their romantic feelings to an old friend.

@billy1966 - unfortunately a small chance DPs friend would have said something to XW or his DCs so he couldn’t say anything. He thought he was being very non committal but he didn’t actually say no and now realises he should have been clearer. Yes I will suit myself when making a decision though at the moment it seems he is beginning to realise that she was expecting at the very least to spend more time with him and he doesn’t want that.